Reconciliation Update

[Compulsive Musician]

Hey everyone.

 

CD specifically mentioned she'd posted to Loveshack, so I thought I'd check in (I generally try to leave the space for CD to do her thing).

 

It's always interesting to see all the different directions people come from.

 

Some of you seem surprisingly invested in CD and I's reconciliation.

 

Things are going fine overall. No but, really.

 

I posted a status on fB, CD was uncomfortable with it and came to crowd-source some perspective.

 

The post was actually a link to a rather recent study about penis size, specifically regarding womens' preferences (and, ironically, how size wasn't as heavily regarded as some other data).

 

It was captioned with something to the effect of "There was a guy I went to school with that was hung like a gerbil in December and was almost consumed with insecurity about it"

 

The conversation that followed was entirely hilarious and unrelated, and was well received as far as things go for fB banter.

 

The end.

 

 

I had a series of unrelated triggers occur yesterday, and didn't sleep for **** last night. So yea, I was in a kind of moody place. I was feeling snarky, Douche is blocked, and I haven't interacted with anyone who would give two cents about the post in.. a year? Two? (newsfeed ghost at that point). I got a good chuckle out of it, and I felt better afterwards.

 

Overall, I feel like I've done a pretty bang-up job keeping myself in step. To date, I have never any of the crazy **** that's flowed through my head.

Douche walks the earth unscathed, and gauging from previous encounters, probably with a pretty clear conscience. Jerk.

 

Coming from a guy who had some anger issues growing up (me), it's kind of a personal 'scaling of Everest'.

 

Actually, to be totally honest, I feel like I should be awarded a goddamn medal. I've continually surprised myself with my ability to stick to my moral compass, not matter how wild my motives have been (even back when OM sent me a couple snarky texts.. ah.. like a frothing hulk, I was).

 

 

I took a stupidly small passive-aggressive social risk.

 

Petty? meh. Yes, if it was genuinely intended to do damage. But it was executed more as a passing inside joke, a small self medication.

 

Douche is a spineless turtle. The level of crazy I'd have to pull out for his retaliation is socially mind-boggling.

 

Outside of the current.. um.. sensitivities? Overall things are good.

 

Life has just kind of moved on. I can successfully say I've been out of my depressive funk for months now. Life's pretty busy. I've been working out, career's progressing rather nicely. CD and I are playful and talkative as ever.

 

I still find myself in dark spots from time to time, but life is generally more compelling than misery these days.

 

I wouldn't say I've forgiven CD, for what it's worth. I don't know it's something I can achieve, ya know? Committed to making a better future together? Yes. Forgiven? It's simply asking too much for now.

 

One thing is for sure. These last two years have been transformative for me as a person. I was emotionally co-dependent, out of shape, and insecure. Conflict avoidant! Actually kind of a huge revelation with that one. My awareness to the depths of communication has changed.

 

Nowadays, I'm only weeks away from counting ALL my abs (for the first time in years), my confidence is solid, and I negotiate like a bear these days (rather than a monk).

 

Affairs suck, but the growth we chose to pursue afterwards has proven to be pretty awesome.

[Realist3]

Thems a lot of words trying to prove you can't be the bigger man. You won! Act like it.

[tornapart2002]

If you are working toward some sort of forgiveness, I think it's all anyone can ask for. Sounds like you are taking it all one day at a time and doing your best.

 

Both of you just keep communicating and keeping an open path for that communication. I think you both have the same goal and that is to save this relationship that you both care deeply about.

 

Keep up the good work. It's a journey!

[atreides]

((CM))

 

ha, good to see you posting, Funny thing is I asked CD where you were when she posted about your FB drama. Good to see you back up.

 

I am a bit of a gym rat myself, so glad to see you getting better and keeping in busy. I understand about your status on forgiveness and that is up to you and no one else when you and if ready.

 

I see no issue with your FB post other than using FB period... lol

 

all the best and cheers to growth after an A

[Clay]

Its good you are surviving. Isn't that really what reconciling is? Who really has rules on how to handle being betrayed. Its funny most WS's here like to give a list of all the do's and don't in there reasoning for cheating. You should be able to heal how you feel you need to. I personally don't think the Facebook thing was a big deal at all. Its like you said it could have been much worse.

 

Good luck to the both of you.

 

Clay

[Realist3]

After reading here for a good length of time I have come to realize that there is a certain mentality for some people that embraces 'victimhood'. "I was cheated on. It was a form of abuse. I'm so helpless with my emotions that I lash out. I trigger all the time." Grow up. There are many things people face in life all across the world that are far worse than being cheated on. FAR WORSE! I could name 10 right off the top of my head. Maybe it is because I am well traveled and seen true heartache, true devastation to the human condition. To these people it would be a good day if that is all they had to care about, compared to what they are dealing with in their daily lives. Yet, in the civilized world we like to dwell on the petty, sometimes for years!

 

In another thread about cheaters there was mention of entitlement. I don't begrudge BS's for having that sense of entitlement, but get a grip on it.

 

There was another mention of 'wasting years'. You are in that same sense wasting years on DWELLING on something that is over and done. I hate to say this, but it is a form of narcissism. "I'm so damn good that no one would ever cheat on me." Get over yourself already. Your significant other found someone else that met their needs better than you could; whether temporarily or long term. That is all it is. Stop playing the victim.

[Sub]

After reading here for a good length of time I have come to realize that there is a certain mentality for some people that embraces 'victimhood'. "I was cheated on. It was a form of abuse. I'm so helpless with my emotions that I lash out. I trigger all the time." Grow up. There are many things people face in life all across the world that are far worse than being cheated on. FAR WORSE! I could name 10 right off the top of my head. Maybe it is because I am well traveled and seen true heartache, true devastation to the human condition. To these people it would be a good day if that is all they had to care about, compared to what they are dealing with in their daily lives. Yet, in the civilized world we like to dwell on the petty, sometimes for years!

 

Some of this may be true, but then what's the point of being on a message board about infidelity if we're just going to follow the "there are things far worse than being cheated on. get over it."? Honestly. You're over 2,000 posts deep into conversation about infidelity and relationships. Kind of ironic to boil it all down to "move on, your pain pails in comparison to ___________."

[gettingstronger]

Great to hear from you and that you're doing well. Ignore the allegedly well traveled naysayers tripe that's meant to knock you. You are open and honest and that's what counts. Take care.

[Realist3]

Some of this may be true, but then what's the point of being on a message board about infidelity if we're just going to follow the "there are things far worse than being cheated on. get over it."? Honestly. You're over 2,000 posts deep into conversation about infidelity and relationships. Kind of ironic to boil it all down to "move on, your pain pails in comparison to ___________."

 

There is certainly merit to open discussion/venting about the pain involved with being cheated on. I'm not discounting that at all.

 

What I was speaking to is the culture of embracing and cultivating a victimhood mentality. It is fomented here on this board by like-minded 'victims'. It is like wallowing in a pity pool.

 

I don't know how ironic it is, but you have BS's here that have been posting for years who are gone and done with the reltionship in question, with far more posts than I have spreading their love of misery to others.

[Realist3]

My message is specific to CM. CD, wants to reconcile. He is wasting time over his burned ego on something which is now meaningless. But, by his actions he keeps making it meaningful.

[Sub]

There is certainly merit to open discussion/venting about the pain involved with being cheated on. I'm not discounting that at all.

 

What I was speaking to is the culture of embracing and cultivating a victimhood mentality. It is fomented here on this board by like-minded 'victims'. It is like wallowing in a pity pool.

 

I don't know how ironic it is, but you have BS's here that have been posting for years who are gone and done with the reltionship in question, with far more posts than I have spreading their love of misery to others.

 

Maybe I misunderstood your post. I assumed you were referring to the OP, but I could be wrong. I don't see how much of what he said would fall under this umbrella. It appears he's talking more of moving on and being in a good place than anything else.

 

That said, yes, "victimhood" exists, and it exists in every corner. But it's not exclusive to BS's or WS's or AP's.

[dichotomy]

After reading here for a good length of time I have come to realize that there is a certain mentality for some people that embraces 'victimhood'. "I was cheated on. It was a form of abuse. I'm so helpless with my emotions that I lash out. I trigger all the time." Grow up. There are many things people face in life all across the world that are far worse than being cheated on. FAR WORSE! I could name 10 right off the top of my head. Maybe it is because I am well traveled and seen true heartache, true devastation to the human condition. To these people it would be a good day if that is all they had to care about, compared to what they are dealing with in their daily lives. Yet, in the civilized world we like to dwell on the petty, sometimes for years!

 

In another thread about cheaters there was mention of entitlement. I don't begrudge BS's for having that sense of entitlement, but get a grip on it.

 

There was another mention of 'wasting years'. You are in that same sense wasting years on DWELLING on something that is over and done. I hate to say this, but it is a form of narcissism. "I'm so damn good that no one would ever cheat on me." Get over yourself already. Your significant other found someone else that met their needs better than you could; whether temporarily or long term. That is all it is. Stop playing the victim.

 

 

Certainly the horror that exist in many parts of the world, it can't compare. It is good to focus on the "life could be worse" when your facing lifes hardships. So I get that.

 

Along those lines - there are far worse things than cancer in the world as well. I have seen people depressed over cancer, and others were they dance and sing before their parts are removed.

 

But I see a certain logic to your reasoning..... other than to say something's in life can hurt a particular person more than they would others.

[dichotomy]

.

 

Overall, I feel like I've done a pretty bang-up job keeping myself in step. To date, I have never any of the crazy **** that's flowed through my head.

 

Coming from a guy who had some anger issues growing up (me), it's kind of a personal 'scaling of Everest'.

 

Actually, to be totally honest, I feel like I should be awarded a goddamn medal. I've continually surprised myself with my ability to stick to my moral compass, not matter how wild my motives have been (even back when OM sent me a couple snarky texts.. ah.. like a frothing hulk, I was).

 

Life has just kind of moved on. I can successfully say I've been out of my depressive funk for months now. Life's pretty busy. I've been working out, career's progressing rather nicely. CD and I are playful and talkative as ever.

 

One thing is for sure. These last two years have been transformative for me as a person. I was emotionally co-dependent, out of shape, and insecure. Conflict avoidant! Actually kind of a huge revelation with that one. My awareness to the depths of communication has changed.

 

Nowadays, I'm only weeks away from counting ALL my abs (for the first time in years), my confidence is solid, and I negotiate like a bear these days (rather than a monk).

 

Affairs suck, but the growth we chose to pursue afterwards has proven to be pretty awesome.

 

 

You did get the medal - the reward.

 

An as far as revenge on OM/Ex Best Friend.... living well....living better than before...is the best revenge.

 

Maslatof !

[HereNorThere]

It's really good to hear you are doing better, but it still sounds like you have a ways to go. I have hopes that if you continue to improve yourself, you will finally have the courage to create a new life with someone who deserves you.

 

Your wife may not be a bad person, but it's obvious that she is an obsessive person who isn't ever going to let the affair go. You're right, the other guy did get off scott free, but he didn't get much. As hard as it is to face right now, CD is obviously no prize. Once you get past your idealistic memories, you'll see and if you don't, go back and read all of the she wrote about all the sex acts she did with your best friend but won't do for you. She's not even my wife and reading her posts still keeps me up at night shaking.

 

I would be careful making comments about that penis, btw. Remember, she chose that penis over you, your wedding vows, your sacred friendships, family, mental and physical health. I'd say that penis has had a pretty BIG effect on you life.

 

Forging new relationships is always going to be harder than falling into old ones, but that doesn't make it less worth it. Good luck on everything you do and deactivate your Facebook, man.

Edited June 11, 2014 by HereNorThere
Typo

[drifter777]

...

 

I wouldn't say I've forgiven CD, for what it's worth. I don't know it's something I can achieve, ya know? Committed to making a better future together? Yes. Forgiven? It's simply asking too much for now.

Forgiveness is so different for everyone. The thing is, you are acting like you have forgiven her. Of course you haven't forgotten and you still trigger when you think about or picture what she did, but I think this is the norm. I believe forgiveness is a verb - something you have to do all over again every time you remember her betrayal. It sounds like you are doing that so maybe this is as good as it can possibly get - at least for you. I'm sorry to tell you this but you are never going to be ok with your memories of her cheating.

[BetrayedH]

You know, I kept out of CDs thread because I really don't have much advice for her. A side of me really wanted to tell her to let it go. I suppose that's my BS side being able to relate to unresolved anger. I still have plenty of it. I don't know if I would still be as angry as you this far into reconciliation; I didn't make it that far. Sometimes I think my unresolved anger is because my wife quit trying long ago and continues to be a thorn in my side (since we still have to coparent). But at the same time, I wonder if I'd still be angry if we were still reconciling. It's hard to judge.

 

I think what bothered me the most about this scenario is your apparent lack of concern over how this would affect your wife. Just the posting of such a thing seems to completely disregard how it would impact your wife and then even your reply here fails to mention the posting's impact on her at all. That seems telling since your wife started a thread because she was dismayed by the post. Do you care?

 

I'm not trying to take sides here. I honestly don't know what it takes to heal. But I can't help agreeing with the theme (if not all of the content) of Realist's post. You seem stuck in a victim mentality and seem perfectly content to punish CD or the OM at your leisure. I suppose you have that right, especially if CD will choose to tolerate it, but how does this fit in with the goal of reconciling? Does it matter what she thinks or how she feels? Or does she just have to "deal with it" if she wants to reconcile? How long will it be ok for you to be the source of her public humiliation while expecting her to remain your wife?

 

I don't mean to sound judgmental (I may be failing at that). They just seem pertinent questions. Your FB vent/joke may have been stress relieving for you but what about your wife and marriage?

[HereNorThere]

It's really good to hear you are doing better, but it still sounds like you have a ways to go. I have hopes that if you continue to improve yourself, you will finally have the courage to create a new life with someone who deserves you.

 

Your wife may not be a bad person, but it's obvious that she is an obsessive person who isn't ever going to let the affair go. You're right, the other guy did get off scott free, but he didn't get much. As hard as it is to face right now, CD is obviously no prize. Once you get past your idealistic memories, you'll see and if you don't, go back and read all of the she wrote about all the sex acts she did with your best friend but won't do for you. She's not even my wife and reading her posts still keeps me up at night shaking.

 

I would be careful making comments about that penis, btw. Remember, she chose that penis over you, your wedding vows, your sacred friendships, family, mental and physical health. I'd say that penis has had a pretty BIG effect on you life.

 

Forging new relationships is always going to be harder than falling into old ones, but that doesn't make it less worth it. Good luck on everything you do and deactivate your Facebook, man.

 

If you can't trust your wife to not have sex with your best friend, you certainly will not be able to trust her with your children, your finances or decisions involving your life or death. Her post are less about reconciliation and more about her finding a way to relieve her guilt after publicly humiliating and shaming your family.

[Speakingofwhich]

CM, I hope you're journaling through this experience. Your post about this was fun to read (apologies at being amused at your expense!) You are an excellent writer, as I'm sure you know.

 

Have you and CD considered compiling your thoughts about this experience into a book?

 

How about "Mr. and Mrs. Compulsive Recreate Their Marriage After Infidelity?"

 

I'm not joking. Bet you could together write a good book! And I do mean to include "Mr. and Mrs. Compulsive" in the title, instead of your real names. It has a nice ring to it, excuse the pun!

 

From your perspective the incident has a bit of a different feel to it to me than it did when I read CD's account. Especially since OM is not on your friend list. Would think no one else knows whom it was about and they prob think it was a random male comment, jmo.

 

I will add this, though, you seem to be extremely confident by staying with CD and also by being on this board together with her. I can imagine that's very attractive to CD. It would be to me as a WW. The comment on FB just didn't seem to fit the person you seem to be from what I've read. But, given that you're human like the rest of us it's understandable that you'll have times when you're not quite perfect.

Edited June 11, 2014 by Speakingofwhich

[Ultramarine]

One thing is for sure. These last two years have been transformative for me as a person. I was emotionally co-dependent, out of shape, and insecure. Conflict avoidant! Actually kind of a huge revelation with that one. My awareness to the depths of communication has changed.

 

Nowadays, I'm only weeks away from counting ALL my abs (for the first time in years), my confidence is solid, and I negotiate like a bear these days (rather than a monk).

 

Affairs suck, but the growth we chose to pursue afterwards has proven to be pretty awesome.

 

Congrats on all of this. I have realized very similar things about myself just recently and I'm working on it. Especially the conflict avoidance...I am wondering now if that's some kind of a shared feature of BSs...

[alwayshere]

If you can't trust your wife to not have sex with your best friend, you certainly will not be able to trust her with your children, your finances or decisions involving your life or death. Her post are less about reconciliation and more about her finding a way to relieve her guilt after publicly humiliating and shaming your family.

 

Apparently you, with 2 posts, have not read all of her threads.

[thummper]

it's really good to hear you are doing better, but it still sounds like you have a ways to go. I have hopes that if you continue to improve yourself, you will finally have the courage to create a new life with someone who deserves you.

 

Your wife may not be a bad person, but it's obvious that she is an obsessive person who isn't ever going to let the affair go. You're right, the other guy did get off scott free, but he didn't get much. As hard as it is to face right now, cd is obviously no prize. Once you get past your idealistic memories, you'll see and if you don't, go back and read all of the she wrote about all the sex acts she did with your best friend but won't do for you. She's not even my wife and reading her posts still keeps me up at night shaking.

 

i would be careful making comments about that penis, btw. Remember, she chose that penis over you, your wedding vows, your sacred friendships, family, mental and physical health. I'd say that penis has had a pretty big effect on you life.

 

forging new relationships is always going to be harder than falling into old ones, but that doesn't make it less worth it. Good luck on everything you do and deactivate your facebook, man.

 

ouch!!!!!!!!!

[Realist3]

Some of this may be true, but then what's the point of being on a message board about infidelity if we're just going to follow the "there are things far worse than being cheated on. get over it."? Honestly. You're over 2,000 posts deep into conversation about infidelity and relationships. Kind of ironic to boil it all down to "move on, your pain pails in comparison to ___________."

 

 

The bottom line is you have to move on. You can either move on with them, or without them. But life does go on. My question is does this moment define you? It is like a bridge that crumbles underneath your feet. You plunge down into the depths. Do you stay mired in the waters below cursing the bridge that broke, or do you find a way to the top and continue on your path towards a better tomorrow?

[violet1]

If you can't trust your wife to not have sex with your best friend, you certainly will not be able to trust her with your children, your finances or decisions involving your life or death. Her post are less about reconciliation and more about her finding a way to relieve her guilt after publicly humiliating and shaming your family.

Oh man! What a harsh post. I mainly followed CD's posts. IMO, she's grown a lot. Awhile back she wrote a post about how CM wore his ring again on a date night and I thought it was very touching. I think their story is very helpful to other couples who are trying to reconcile.

 

CM, I understand your anger towards the ex best friend. You shared a long history of friendship with him. There's no doubt in my mind that you have massive triggers from time to time. I could be wrong, but I worry that trying to one up the guy through FB or whatever could hurt your M more than it will him. I think it's wonderful that you and CD have shared your story here at LS. I hope that both of you will continue to do so. I sincerely wish you guys peace and happiness.

[atreides]

I like that CD posted about it, because she was not sure how to take it herself which means they are still working on something that has connection to healing from the affair but also has the tragedy of also being tied to a long standing best friend.

 

 

CM & CD all the best

[BeholdtheMan]

. . .

 

You seem very fixated on Douche. Douche owed you much less than Cheating Wife, she who took the wedding vows. If you have more resentment toward Douche than you do toward Cheating Wife, I think something is wrong with that way of thinking

 

Ideally, you'll let go of your resentment toward Cheating Wife. If you have done that, great...I just don't see why you're still wasting emotions on Douche