Serious ex dated best friend too soon after, still a mess and it's been a whole year

[eastcheap]

There is so much to say, and it's pretty impossible to convey it over the internet to strangers. To put it simply, I was with a guy for a while. 3 years, a lot of history. We meant a lot to each other. I want to believe we were deeply in love with each other. Because I know that I was deeply in love with him. It was a puppy love thing, it was a human connection thing, it matured into something and for 3 years it grew, and withered, and then it was gone. It was a dysfunctional relationship, but the thing is, there was a brain connection, and it felt spooky good when it was good, or when I was laying there in the mornings with him, or sitting with just him on his farm.

 

We broke up, complicated reasons, maybe 5 months later I went over and slept at his house and he cried, and I cried, we fooled around, said we loved each other still, and it was ****ty.

 

A month after that my best friend, the girl who had witnessed almost everything, the girl who I had confided SO much in, the girl I had been living with for the past year told me that they were together. Both of them have just basically said I'm immature for being heartbroken. But that's what it was. A total and utter heartbreak.

Yeah, some people have it worse, but I can say, that HURT. Like, really, deeply, hurt me.

It was, honestly, the most ****ing devastating experience of my emotional life thus far, and sometimes I'm lying in bed and the hollowness of how lonely and confused his decision made me overwhelms me and I can only sob to myself. That relationship AND subsequent break up took something out of me and I was barely coping. I was having self destructive sex that she egged on in the spirit of singledom. I was drinking. I was stupid. And I confided everything in her. I remember one day I told her I loved him- I missed him- I'm hating being single, he's estranged, and the two of them were actually already dating at this point. It was like the last slap in the face and it honestly left me winded.

And then he got a job on my street and moved down the road and I've left the city.

But that was a YEAR ago, so WHY am I not over it?? Even now. I honestly just want to not care about either of them! And all the things they do together that he never did with me, and all of the ****ty things they've said about my strength of character since, and my understanding of my relationship with him is just so painful. I can't even hold onto the good memories because they feel like lies, he pulled a total 180 on me.

 

How do I get over this? How does someone get closure? How can I just move past anger and spite to indifference? I can't spend any more energy on this. That is why the relationship ended, because it was toxic. To us both.

 

I just want to move on forever

[SpiritualAlchemy]

Ughs, with friends like that, who needs enemies? Your friend betrayed your trust, I'd be madder at her because she would've seen how it affected you close-up. Men come and go, but best friends are meant to be forever. If my bestie did that to me, she'd be history! Not to rule out the culpability of your ex, either. They each knew what the other meant to you.

 

I'm not surprised you are still hurting a year later. That's a double whammy right there - two losses, and no matter how crappy their behavior is, how much of a betrayal it is, it's still going to hurt for a long time. To protect yourself, I hope you've gone full NC, and deleted them from your life?

 

Life is all about you now, darling. You've got to be your biggest cheerleader, support, life coach, and best friend now. You've admitted the relationship was toxic - its your ex-best friends problem now!

 

You're going to have some trust issues now, but not all folk are like these two. You'll meet loyal and loving people who would never even THINK of doing this to you. With the removal of both of those people, you've opened your life for others to be with you - new adventures, new soul mates to bring joy to your life! Believe it!

 

Nobody is irreplaceable.

 

Let time work its magic on you, take whatever lessons you need from this, because every experience, even the bad, teaches us something. And actively work towards healing, helping, and spoiling yourself. Spend time with others, especially those who love you, and do things that make you happy. Seek therapy if you must, read/watch uplifting literature or movies, get close to nature, start a new hobby - seek happiness.

 

You're going to be okay, promise!

[Mary Oak]

Eastcheap...I totally feel for you.

 

I had a very similiar thing happen to me. My ex broke up with me. I confided EVERYTHING in my "best" friend, and now they are together. It is god awful. We were together over seven years and while everything wasn't perfect, it was a working relationship. I loved her very much, and still do. It has been two years.

 

My advice is this. No contact with either of them. I don't have any positive feelings about my xfriend. The thought of her makes me sick. My exgf, on the other hand, I am still not over. But, what has helped me move on as much as I have it, having nothing to do with either of them.

 

It is kinda hard, because the ex and I work together, and I will see pics of her new gf in her office, or flowers on her desk, etc. It is horrible, but continuing to communicate is worse.

 

I will tell you I did all the things you aren't supposed to do. I begged and pleaded. I tried no contact SOOOO many times, just to go back to square one. Today I am on 28 days again.

 

It sounds like you have a good handle on the No Contact way. I wish I had some secret for you. But there is none. You have to learn you are worth more than this pain. Do not let it control you. Know you will get over it. If he was meant to be in your life still, he would be.

[iouaname]

what a terrible situation, I'm so sorry for what you went through and what you are going through I know that a big part of it is dwelling on the things that were said about you and letting it break down your self-esteem, but I think it's important to look at the character of the people making those judgments =/ They don't have much room to speak.

 

Don't be upset that you're not over it a year later. It's been almost a year and a half since my breakup and I'm not over it, either. Don't be too hard on yourself

[lop98]

What these two did to you was horrible and I'm so sorry for all the pain... I was betrayed too once and I can absolutely relate to the emptiness and shock and all the emotions that followed it that you have been going through... I can tell you that sometimes, if I lay in my bed in silence and start to think, I can find the memory in my brain and I can still feel these emotions as fresh as day one, as if it had just happened... but I don't do that anymore, the only thing that got me out of it (the pain but mostly the shock and sadness) was to rebuild my emotional life, to allow myself to feel love again and appreciate the qualities of another man... I stopped thinking about these two because I became too busy with my life. You already relocated, now you just need to be on a constant battle with the traumatizing experience... always out, always busy, don't allow yourself to spend too much time going through the memory... because chances are, it will always be there. In fact, I'm sure painful moments like these are impossible to just forget and come to terms with... you just accept them and leave them in the past, but they probably still hurt 5, 20 years down the road, you just learn how to train yourself to stop revisiting them and focus on your present.

 

Regarding them, please please don't think they're happy now living the life, trust me on this: they're not, and their relationships was built on betrayal, don't sit and wait around to see it fall apart, but believe me, it will, and you better be off to bigger and better by that time, because fate or good energy or whatever force you believe in showed you graphically the trash you had in your life and put it out of your reach, it hurts but in the long run you can only be thankful.

 

Stay strong, girl. <3

[wind willow]

You deserve a hug. Not just because these people betrayed you, but because they compound the betrayal by trying to shift the blame onto you. A decent human with a conscience would at least feel a small amount of remorse and apology for hurting a person they had been close to. By labeling you immature, it helps them deflect the guilt and feel justified in acting like terrible people. And it shows their own immaturity.

 

A good friend of mine had the same thing happen to him. I think it took him years to get over it. So there's nothing immature about you still hurting from such a huge betrayal.

 

Get away from them as much as you can. If you have any way of contacting them or seeing what they're up to, get rid of it. If there are places where you still see either of them, find different places to go.

 

You are so much better than them and better off without those toxic people in your life.

Edited June 12, 2014 by wind willow

[eastcheap]

Thank you so much. I was having a bad night and I threw this out into the internet land just kind of not thinking anyone would read it, and I really appreciate the responses. I had actually initially written this huge open letter "to him and her" but without expecting them to see it... he posted here once a long time ago when we were first starting out again (he showed me the thread) and I don't think ever comes on here anymore.

I had actually logged on for the first time in years to re-read the little post because I thought it would make me happy to remember a happy time but it made me feel so much more terrible. So I backspaced my open letter and just typed and I really appreciate all of your answers.

 

It has not been a good time, I haven't been okay, and I feel stupid because I feel like I should be doing so much better than I am. They started dating, which really was just the foundation for a deep, deep depression. I wish I could say it didn't bother me that much but I would be lying to myself. It still hurts (like I've said.) Following their dating, so much other ****ty stuff happened. A friend committed suicide, I dropped out of school, I had a pet run away, I was engaging in risky, stupid behaviour/"I'm single!" sex and as a result was stalked and cornered and coerced into stuff with someone from a depression group I had been going to to cope... so, assaulted, I guess, is the correct term here. And I haven't even BEGUN to deal with that can of worms.

 

I basically am just totally ashamed and hate how my life has been going, and I miss my two best friends sometimes. I still have these awful moments where I think about "what would he think of me, doing these things."

 

Anyway. I've moved away, and yeah, doing the NC thing. It sucks because we were each other's first loves, and he was also one of my most valuable friends. Their presence and now current absence in my life still feels like a gaping hole. It hurts because I'm pretty sure they don't ever think about me anymore. Whereas I spend a lot of time thinking about it still

 

 

Thank you for your kind words, they really do mean a lot.

Edited June 12, 2014 by eastcheap