HumiliatedGrapes Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 I do have another post about my relationship on here, so I won't go in to the whole back story. But basically, I can't keep to NC out of fear. It may sound stupid or weird but I'm terrified that something bad will happen to him.. I know it won't, he didn't care that much about me to crumble without me or anything, in fact he emotionally cheated a few times so Im sure he'll be ok. But he doesn't have any friends were he lives and his family are quite distant. I did block him from everything not long ago, but I felt so guilty and worried that I quickly unblocked him.. now he won't stop emailing me, he keeps telling me how much he loves me and wants to be with me. I don't want to be with him, I love him but I would never go back to him which I've told him several times whilst asking him to leave me alone. The thing is, he has had problems with alcohol and seizures in the past, and not long ago a family friend's ex boyfriend died from a seizure after going into rehab.. so obviously I am terrified that the same thing is going to happen to him and I can't ignore his emails for that reason. I know everything he is saying to me is completely manipulative, but I just can't ignore him. Its causing me a lot of stress and I keep having panic attacks from all of this. How can I get him to stop messaging me? I want him to leave me alone more than anything, but I also want to know that hes not in danger. I hope this makes some sort of sense.. its 3am here so I apologise if this is really incoherent.
Trimmer Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 (edited) ...so obviously I am terrified that the same thing is going to happen to him and I can't ignore his emails for that reason. This may sound cold, but if your relationship is over, why do you have any responsibility for this? Once your relationship is over, he is a grown adult who is responsible for his own health and safety just like anyone else. Especially if he has alcohol problems. What, do you think you've inherited responsibility for his safety just because he needs someone? It may be hard for you to do, but I suggest you challenge your assumption that you are responsible for him in this way. You cannot know that he won't be in danger. He may get into a traffic accident, he may choose to drink himself stupid, his residence may catch on fire. We're all in danger. The thing is, you are not responsible for him any more. It seems like the issue is not that "he'll be in danger so you have to be there for him", but is it more that this is an excuse - perhaps subconscious - for you not to let go? Edited June 11, 2014 by Trimmer 1
Simon Phoenix Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 I agree with Trimmer -- he's an adult, it's not your job to be his mom. He needs to learn how to be a functional adult and you being around to baby him doesn't do that. And I definitely think that you have ulterior motives here as well.
Author HumiliatedGrapes Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 And I definitely think that you have ulterior motives here as well. I think that's a little unfair, I can honestly say I don't have any ulterior motives what so ever. I come from an abusive family, I know how it is.. and he tells me he's been abused to, according to him that's why he drinks so whenever he gets in touch with me asking me to help him or telling me he's lonely I feel for him.. I don't want to get back together with him or even talk to him anymore, I want to be left alone.. and that's the reason I posted this because its really breaking me down mentally and emotionally. I know I'm not responsible for him.. I guess I just have to keep telling myself that. The only reason we started talking again is because he got drunk and called me in a panic telling me he thinks he lost his job as he couldn't get in to work on time. He has a little boy too and I feel for him more than anything... maybe I want to fix my ex or help him so his son doesn't get let down anymore.
Author HumiliatedGrapes Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 You cannot know that he won't be in danger. He may get into a traffic accident, he may choose to drink himself stupid, his residence may catch on fire. We're all in danger. The thing is, you are not responsible for him any more. You're right... thank you. I know it sounds like Im not letting go but I honestly want to and I'll admit that I have terrible anxiety issues and I've always had a fear of loved ones dying, so I'll have to get over that. I just wish there was something I could say to him , just one last time that might make him leave me alone on his own accord. If I have to block him and keep strong then I will.. but I would rather him do it so that I don't feel so horrible and guilty, he has a real good talent for being the victim.
Zahara Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 (edited) You're right... thank you. I know it sounds like Im not letting go but I honestly want to and I'll admit that I have terrible anxiety issues and I've always had a fear of loved ones dying, so I'll have to get over that. I just wish there was something I could say to him , just one last time that might make him leave me alone on his own accord. If I have to block him and keep strong then I will.. but I would rather him do it so that I don't feel so horrible and guilty, he has a real good talent for being the victim. You're a co-dependent. You will disregard your own emotional and mental health at the expense of valuing another persons needs and wants -- even when the person has hurt you. A lack in self-esteem and the inability to value yourself. With that comes the fear of abandonment. Letting go causes severe anxiety and fear. Simon is right. There are motives that you may not realize as you are reacting from deep ingrained issues and insecurities within yourself -- stemming from abuse in your family. Read up on co-dependency and the fear of abandonment. It will help you understand why you do the things you do and allow you to at least understand that your thoughts while irrational, can be fixed. It will help you see that your fears stem from YOU, and only you. Your thought process isn't the truth, it isn't real and it isn't rational. You have your own life to live. Don't sacrifice yours for the sake of his, especially when he didn't want you in it. It's obvious that he can survive without you. He did before you met him and he'll do it again. Edited June 11, 2014 by Zahara 5
hidden_ua Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 jst fkng leave him, trust me. breaking no contact will only do you harm. experienced guy talking here.
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