He's suddenly ignoring me?!

[coralsmith]

my ex and I went out for 4 months. He ended it suddenly 3 months ago. I was pretty upset about it, but I hate ending things on a bad note and I like him as a person and respected/understood his reasons for ending it. I still miss being with him, but the split was good for me for a lot of reasons and I am moving on gradually.

 

My ex boyfriend is not one to share his feelings - In a lot of ways, he was too immature and simply unready to deal with the type of sharing that comes with being in a relationship. That was why it was such a shock when he ended it - he hadn't let me know he'd been having doubts.

 

While we were together, I was often very confused about his feelings for me (I think he was too). He'd tell me I meant a lot to him, he'd want to come round a lot, but on the other hand he told me he loved me drunk then took it back, and said he felt under pressure from spending too much time with me, even though he usually initiated it.

 

It's ironic that after our breakup, I only realise that he does actually care. I've come to this conclusion from the following;

- he still text me. At first they were more conversational (especially if he was drunk). They were friendly and I steered them away from anything heavy like "I miss yous". They gradually got less conversational, but he still maintained that degree of contact. I know that, in past situations, if he has no interest in a girl, he will simply not text her back (this should be borne in mind for a later point!)

- He comes and sees me when I ask. This has happened twice - I asked him to come round and collect some of his things. Another time I asked him to take a study break and come see me, as he'd be graduating and I said it would be nice to see him before he graduated and moved. Both times, we have kissed and been affectionate, no sex.

- His attitude to sex has changed. before we were dating, he slept around a lot. He frequently mentioned how much he enjoyed our sex life, how disinterested he was in other girls, how different it was for him when there were emotions involved and that it was different from other girls. I'll not go into details, but from I can deduce, its the first time he's actually been involved with how it was for his partner, and actually cared about my enjoyment, as opposed to it all being about him. He seemed surprised quite a lot about the aforementioned things.

- He hasn't slept around since we broke up. Probably for the above reason. I know this because he made a point of telling me. He also got drunk and mentioned that being with me had "ruined" things in that he wasn't interested in casual sex. Again, I think this has surprised him and he didn't anticipate feeling that way.

 

Last weekend, things came to a head when we were both at a bar with our respective friendship groups.

 

It's a large place, but I noticed, and a friend of mine pointed out, that he kept going past/hovering around our booth. I was baffled because this isn't the type of behaviour he normally displays - he is a very restrained person.

 

I bumped into him later in the adjoining club and found out the reason for his unusual behaviour - He was very drunk and had taken drugs (uncharacteristic for him).

 

I was concerned for him because he looked god awful and seemed out of it. I asked him if he was with his friends and told him I was worried and thought he should go home. He was hovering around me a lot of the night so when we were leaving, I was tempted to ask him to share a taxi home with me, but thought better of it.

 

Instead I text his friend, asking him to make sure my ex got home ok.

 

The next morning he text me to say he was ok. I said I'd been worried and told him I'd text his friend.

 

(Now to complicated matters, this friend had asked me on a date, before realising who I was. I had declined and told him I had been in a relationship with a friend of his so wouldn't feel comfortable doing that).

 

My ex started saying it was none of his business who his friend was sleeping with, aka insinuating him and I were sleeping together. Again, this is very unusual for him to show any signs of jealousy.

 

I explained to him what had happened during the night, and that I was even embarrassed for texting his friend because it was none of my business how he got home.

 

He hasn't acknowledged those texts, which have upset me. I was simply concerned for him, and a lesser woman would have jumped at the chance to get back at him by dating his friend, so I'm hurt he would accuse me of doing that.

 

I sent him a final text saying I didn't understand why he was ignoring me, that I would have preferred to have gone down a friendlier route(not be friends, but at least on friendly terms). I said if he wanted me to stop texting and to ignore him when we bumped into each other, I was prepared to do that, I just wanted to know where I stood.

 

I found it hurtful, and currently I think the reason he's done it is because he's hurting, still isn't over the relationship and believes cutting me out completely will help.

 

Another part of me thinks i'm telling myself this to comfort myself, and that he simply doesn't care and can't be bothered dealing with an ex who still worries about whether he gets home safe.

 

Can I have some opinions please?

 

I know it's long winded, but I wanted to paint as full a picture as possible!

[OwMyEyeball]

There's that tired saying that "Women don't know what they want" when really the statement should read "Most people don't know what they want" which can be expanded further into "All people experience fluctuating moods and desires, which over a wide enough time frame creates inconsistencies in their behaviours to any outside observer"

 

You can analyze this situation for the rest of your life and find yourself no closer to any comforting truth. You could confront him on it and find yourself with even more questions than answers.

 

My opinion on his behaviour: Irrelevant. Whatever I or anyone else states will be very likely to be rationalized in concordance to what wants to be believed. Cherry picking.

 

Do yourself a service and follow his lead. Ignore him and carry forward with your life.