Even after forty years [update]

[Orange floor]

Yep forty years of aches. Try to be short. We were courting for eighteen months I asked her to marry me she said yes we get engaged - to me that was committed and I still a virgin yep I know I knew nothing. She 5 years younger said she was inexperienced why would I care from now on we were one. Year before we we'd I had twelve week stay in hospital and GF moved her job to one in next town a good bus ride away. She seemed to enjoy it. After convalescing I was all ok and as I used to do in her old job I said I would bus to her work and meet her twice per week so we would go back to her place -she lived with her sis in law. She said there was no need because it was a long journey and having just come out of hospital. Anyway I made my way to her work and arrived just as the staff were coming down the stairs, I notice some shuffling as my GF tried to move past everyone and catch me rushing me away from the shop, "oh you shouldn't have come" (no mobiles in those days) anyway I continued to go twice a week. Quite often I would arrive a few minutes late and she would have gone and I would get the bus back to try and catch up with her and end up going all the way back to her sis in laws alone. One time I got there before her. You know nothing twigged in me I was so bloody naive and trusting why not this was the girl of my dreams.

 

After a few months of this it was winter and of course the travelling took longer but one Friday when they worked a little later I arrived and had to wait outside under cover and was not seen by my GF and as I made to step out I noticed she rushed off in the opposite direction with a older guy and got into a car and drove off. One of her colleagues came out seen me and said " oh you missed her she left early today" hmm not so early I thought. But I got bus back and got home GF said oh I got offered a lift Alison comes this way ........ I almost said but you got ..... Then I thought it could still be Alison's car so I said nothing. The following week a similar thing happened but this time I caught a cab back and went via the bus stop were if we missed each other we would wait for twenty minutes to see if I returned. Of course the cab got there real quick and no sign of the GF so I sat on the wall next to the shop round the corner. Then I noticed the car that my Gf got into parked in the stores car park opposite were I was sat -there was still people in it and they were not being overly discreet but then I had an incentive to get closer. There was a guy about fifteen years my senior in the passenger seat with a female sat astride him, yep my GF who I was engaged to. Did I rush over and pull her out NO! Did I wish I had? Oh yes but ........

 

This went on for another 15 minutes and by then the return bus would be arriving so I shot round to the bus stop and she sauntered over .

 

That night was quite amazing: she at first denied anything was going on, then tears then the reasons why " I was neglecting her" well having most of your stomach removed, spending twelve weeks in hospital, then convalescing you sort of might neglect a few things and have others on your mind - like staying alive- ok she owned up to heavy petting nothing else, how long, six to eight weeks well maybe twelve so sometimes when I was in hospital, well other guy brought her to the hospital - was I pissed off ? Oh yes. Two independent things really dented the GF record of events, while on one bus journey one of her colleagues who seen me on the bus enquiries were I was going I said to meet my GF -oh you back together then - oops! And her sis in law who calmly said " I knew you were not her first but I felt sure you would be her last, she has been really stupid"

 

Did I forgive her YES did we marry YES

 

Now not much had ever been spoken about this for donkey's years but I did experience a marriage which was pretty sexless when I compare it to some I know if we have had sex more than 200 times in that forty years I would be a liar. I never really complained. I had been successful in my career and we did well and in spite of its rarity we managed five kids (please do not say the obvious) visually they are like clones of me. We own a mansion of a size property, we drive nice cars, we have exotic holidays the kids were all privately educated, they all went to uni and now have left home and we have four grand kids : all sounds great does it not.

 

Six years ago MW as she is now decided she wanted to go to uni and study, she was successful and I supported her during this and at the end of it she got a first class degree, leaving me as the only non graduate in the house but I was delighted she had achieved really good results credit to her oldest in her section.

 

During her time at uni my career really ended I was almost unemployable and that sucks because of age and what people thought I would cost so I admit to becoming a little less patient with everyone and possibly a bit snappy. MW got herself a great job and grew and progressed through positions and earned great money, still does. She has grown in independence and confidence and that is great.

 

During the last year MW has become pretty demanding not in the sexual area but in the home maintenance areas which because of her job everything has passed to me garden, Washing, cooking, ironing, plumbing, decorating etc etc and of course I fall behind with some of it. But she likes to tell guests and friends how I am great at the "girly stuff round the house" it's like having my own wife? She did over step it once when she called me the "nearly man" and a "has been". We went on holiday recently with some friends and as I do not swim, everyone else did I was made to take the photos of everyone frolicking in the water and when I fell over in the water it was the most laughter of the holiday as she shouted "told you to get to swimming lessons" I cannot list everything that has gone on over the years - it would be too much I even get assessed as odd because I do not drink, never smoked and do not dance and hate parties (mainly the ones with pretentious friends)

 

Lately though I have become obsessed with looking back instead of forward and it is depressing me no end, not just back on my marriage, my courting, my work but also back into my very deprived childhood and it is really troubling me that I got through all those trials with tenacity and a wish for a quiet life and then this week MW says," I know you never loved me! And I know you never wanted to marry me, it's been over forty years of misery"

 

I tried to understand we're this had come from out of the air and suddenly at a time when I have been so introspective she continued that " you are miserable and snappy and I cannot understand why you put me through this marriage"

 

Nether of us could easily walk away there is just a whole heap of complications with businesses (yes I continue to run my own business no one ever seem to notice that), properties here and overseas, if I died or MW died it would be easier it's that complex.

 

But the first question is "we're has this come from?"

 

An affair? Almost 100% no she is 60 but goes out looking stunning when she takes the trouble.

 

Confused, concerned and still got the ironing to finish

Edited June 10, 2014 by Orange floor
Spelling and phrasing

[beach]

It does seem like signs if her cheating. Given that her lack of character is capable if it - she may be cheating.

 

Even so, she acts disrespectful of you - and you must have trained her to treat you poorly by accepting unacceptable behavior over the years.

 

60ish isn't finished in life - get busy living!

 

200 times for sex in 40 years? Wow - I'm speechless.

 

Are you sure there's good reason to stay married? You don't trust her - without trust there's no foundation for a healthy marriage.

 

Trust is earned - she didn't earn your trust - yet you rewarded her bad behavior and married her anyway.

 

The way you have participated ALLOWS her to treat you poorly. Stop allowing it.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

Think you are feeling like your life has passed you by and wondering what you have missed out on... it is NEVER too late... you want to lay on your deathbed full of regrets or are you going to take a stand and go and enjoy what time you have left? x

[pteromom]

Nether of us could easily walk away there is just a whole heap of complications with businesses (yes I continue to run my own business no one ever seem to notice that), properties here and overseas, if I died or MW died it would be easier it's that complex.

 

Considering the length of your marriage, would it be possible to stay married in name only, and free each other otherwise?

 

You could get your own place (sounds like you guys have lots of $$$ at least), and have a life you enjoy.

 

If that isn't possible, then my next suggestion is just to stand up and be who you want to be. You don't want to be doing housework? HIRE SOMEONE to come do it. You don't want to go to pretentious parties? Don't. Do what you want to do and don't allow your wife to control you. She doesn't own you.

 

You may not have the marriage you dreamed of, but you don't have to be her patsy either.

[Orange floor]

My wife had just returned from a week away with "her friend" to her brothers place in Italy. We sat down for a debrief of the holiday and I chipped in with what a poor week I had been having. From earlier post you might see I have issues about moving forward. From the left of centre comes MW "do you want to leave?" ergh! "No the purpose of telling you how I have been was for communication and understanding and hopefully some empathy". Now from earlier you will know that we no longer indulge in sexual activity and MW then goes on to say "is there someone else?" I tried to explain that for there to be someone else as she put it there would have to be someone here to be replaced" This appeared not to be the reply she was expecting however true it might be.

 

MW has a highly paid stressful job so i do everything in the home to ensure she can devote all her time to her clients. So there is no sex, no meals cooked [she has special dietary recipes sent in], i do cleaning, paperwork, washing, ironing etc - so to all intents and purposes she is devoid of home involvement but she asked those questions. We have separate sleeping arrangements.

 

I am struggling with timing of these questions and there source

[jackslife]

Two choices really. Continue as you are doing chores etc. being treated disrespectfully, etc.

Or (as your children are all grown up), price up the assets, split them, downsize and be single. You're not old by todays standards, you've got your children and grandchildren and you can start life anew.

You are looking bitterly at the past 40 years, do you want to hit 70 and look back bitterly at the last 50 years?

[Owl]

Her asking you if there's someone else is a big, big red flag.

 

It's a common theme...the one doing the cheating asking that question.

 

I think you should spend a bit of time figuring out who else was on this vacation with her.

[Appreciate]

You write in a very monotonous tone. I sense the love you have for your wife, but where was the passion? Did she treat it more like a chore or a marital duty for all those years?

 

Sounds like she is cheating. Probably has in the past.

 

Start digging and snooping.

 

I have the feeling she's no longer in love with you, doesn't see you as manly.

[aliveagain]

Do you really want to spend your golden years like this? Negotiate a split of assets and go find happiness, you've wasted enough time on her. I agree, she has someone else on the side and may have for most of your marriage. What you have is an arrangement not a marriage, you life won't change that much being on your own, you might get laid more(sorry had to through that in). You deserve happiness at some point in your life, take back control of your own life because she will continue treating you the way you allow her to.

[oldshirt]

She has lost respect and admiration for you and women cannot desire men they don't respect and admire.

 

You are no longer the leader and head of your household, you are in the position of the maid/butler. Women desire the Lord of the Manor, not the maid/butler.

 

She is still going strong and is still engaged and motivated in her career. She likely does not have any ill-will or animosity towards you, just no attraction or sexual desire.

 

Your options are to divorce her and use half of the marital assets to move on with your life and find happiness and fulfilment elsewhere. As it sounds like she is the current primary breadwinner, you may be entitled to some kind of spousal support also.

 

Or you can try to get your masculinity and dignity back and become ambitious and courageous and successful again and that may reignite some of her desire for you.

 

And if it doesn't reignite her fire, it might someone else's.

 

Your writing style makes it sound like you have given up on your own life and are just coasting through life and trying to serve her. No woman finds that sexy.

 

I would also advise doing some serious investigation to see if she has a lover on the side. Her level of disrespect implies she does

[Owl]

Yep...clearly we're confusing humans and bonobos here. Bonobo - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

 

OP...if your wife is human...then I'd suggest that you treat her as such. And yourself. Decide what will work, or not work, in your own situation.

 

If she's a bonobo...well, you've got the advice you needed.

[drifter777]

I understand the pain of remembering that your wife cheated decades ago and the regret you can feel for swallowing all that pain and staying with her anyway. I also know that when you are 60+ it is much harder to try to start your life over because of many family and financial reasons. I still trigger and feel anger and sadness because of my wife's cheating and I wish I could go back and divorce her, but that ship has sailed. We get along now about as well as any married couple and have a good life together. BUT - if she treated me as disrespectfully as your wife treats you I would leave her and live the best life I can live. Without her.

 

Think about just how mean, sadistic, ugly, and narcissistic your wife actually is - and then decide if you can live with her.

[jackslife]

Well...clearly we're not the same species. Are you sure you're not confusing humans and bonobos?

 

On the DNA front we also share 60% of ours with bananas - not sure if this helps at all.

[waterwoman]

And 16% with lettuce.

[SammySammy]

She has lost respect and admiration for you and women cannot desire men they don't respect and admire.

 

I don't think she ever respected him. She lied to him and cheated on him when he was in the hospital. How low can you go?

 

Then he married her anyway. How could she respect a guy that knew she did what she did and married her anyway? Thus, the lack of sex during the marriage and the verbal disrespect and humiliation now.

 

We teach people how to treat us by what we allow, disallow or ignore. Tolerating and accepting disrespect has consequences. Sometimes we have to choose what's more important - salvaging a broken relationship, material possessions or our own dignity and self-respect.