desperate heartbroken and lost

June 10, 2014

hey everyone, this is going to be a very long winded post but have nobody to turn to so im hoping you guys and girls can give me a hand and push me in the right direction. i havent told anybody other than my best friend about any of this, he helped me through the initial break up, and is the only person i can truely talk to about anything, however he is useless when it comes to giving advice, so im almost begging you guys to help me.

recently me and my girlfriend have split (her decision) and ended our 3 year on and off relationship. she says she feels nothing for me anymore but i still love her more than i ever have.

we have had our fair share of issues and neither of us are anywhere close to perfect. 2 years ago when we were still pretty new and happy to be with eachother all the time she cheated on me with my manager. he was texting and ringing her for weeks and being overly playful at work (we all worked together). i trusted her and thought nothing more of it until she told me two nights after it happened. i was heartbroken because i loved her and didnt expect this at all.

it all gets a bit complicated here. when i found out i ended the relationship, however around this time she fell pregnant, she wasnt sure who the father was but kept telling me i was. obviously i had my doubts and refused to believe her. i have never stopped loving her and even when seperated i was desperate to get back with her, but i was really struggling to deal with the infidelity and the possibility of becoming a father. i wanted to be with her but my head and my friends were telling me to stay clear. i decided to listen to my friends and family as they have all been through this before and i would never be able to decide on my own. a month passed and i was out having fun with friends, i wasnt able to do anything with any other females as i was still madly in love with my then ex. during the split she slept with my manager again, although she lied to me about it and said it was only ever the one time i knew about. she later revealed just 6 months ago that she did sleep with him when we split.

i had blocked her number and removed her from all social networking sites so she had no way of contacting me. but one night she came to work to meet me as she was sacked for various reasons. this night we sat down. i didnt say anything, i just listened to her. she was crying, begging for me back, telling me she loved me. it hurt to listen to it because i felt the same, i still loved her, but i couldnt bring myself to talk to her.

a couple of days passed and i asked her to meet me, we spoke and ''worked things out''. i told her it was going to take me a while to forgive her and go bacck to normal. however we tried again, i got to see the baby growing inside her, i went to the scans, and develeoped a bond with it. i loved them both. everything was going well until the time of birth, she refused to let me in to watch the birth as she feared i would wind her up about her fear of needles, i assured her i would be 100% supportive and there for her. she decided to take her friend in instead which hurt me greatly. at the time of the babies birth i was sat down in the cafeteria with my mum having a coffee. i got the message saying she was born and i ran upstairs, and there she was. my daughter, all doubts i had dissappeared. she was the spitting image of me and i loved her.

having the baby relaxed me alot and made me want to settle down as a family . after a while we both moved in together. i loved it, seeing them both everyday was perfect. everything was fine for a year or so but after a while things began to turn sour. the baby took its toll and we were both frustrated, tired, frazzled and the arguments started. she was convinced i was cheating on her, i have and would never cheat on anybody, due to my parents divorcing because of an affair i strongly disagree with cheating. during the split i hadnt touched another woman, i still loved her and i wasnt prepared to do anything with anyone until i was sure we wouldnt be together again. it was then that i realised i had never forgiven her for what she did. it would be brought up in arguments, things would remind me of it, and i couldnt deal with it. i started to distance myself from her, i would be blunt, i would go out witth friends instead of seeing her, and i would work late just to avoid her. i loved her but i was very very bitter about it. we argued some more annd we split again, this time it was my decision.

during this split i grew close to another woman, she was beautiful, funny, and we helped eachother through our difficult times, she was a friend. we had been seperated for another 2 months. i was trying to move on with this new woman but i couldnt, i still wanted the mother of my child and i wanted to be a family. we kissed and cuddled, but that was it, i liked her alot, but i didnt love her, nobody has ever come close to giving me the feelings my ex at the time did. so i decided to break things off with the new girl, although we were never official i made it clear that i would like to try again with my ex. she was fine with it and we remained just friends.

we spoke and agreed to both really make a go of it. i didnt tell her about the other girl, as we werent together and at the time i didnt see it as an issue, in hindsight i regret not telling her and the reason will become obvious in a little while.

so we tried again.after a few months she became very lazy after she found herself a new job. i would come home from a 12 hour shift every day to a filthy flat, living room was a state, kitchen was disgusting, and there were dirty nappies everywhere and she would be sat on her phone in her pyjamas on the sofa and i would then tidy the flat at 1 in the morning after work. this went on for weeks and despite me asking her to pull her finger out, she didnt. she worked 9 - 5, 4 days a week in a phone shop. i appreciate she would be stood up alot but it is hardly thee most strenuous job in the world.

one night we were out having lunch with my little sister, i was opening my world cup stickers (because im cool) and my little sister out of nowhere blurted out ''whatever happened with emily? why did you break up?''. i felt like shooting myself in the face. naturally the mother started asking questions, she knew of her but she didnt know we had kissed. that was until my little sister let that slip too. i now realise i should have been straight up, but at the time it really didnt seem important to me. i told her that we kissed, but nothing more happened, which was true. however she doesnt let things go and is adamament i slept with her. this little event took us back a thousand steps and things went down hill from there.

she had started spending more and more time on her phone, which i knew was because she was texting other guys. now, this is where the past came back up. i was obviously paranoid because she was doing exactly what she did when she cheated. so i would ask her questions, of which she would give me false answers. for example she would say she was texting a friend named laura, when infact she was talking to a guy named ryan that she had grown close to at work. she told me she thought he was hot, and that he liked her. so alarm bells started ringing, i then found out she was texting another 6 guys . only 2 she worked with. at this point i didnt know what to think. so i found myself constantly asking questions and getting more and more wound up that she would sit there and ignore me to message them.

i always told her i had no issues with her talking to guys, but i would like to know who they were and i asked her not to lie to me about it or hide anything, i wanted the relationship to work which requires honesty and being upfront.

so, she was crawling out of bed everyday around mid day. she would then have a fag, and then sit on the sofa on her phone all day. she would pay me little to no attention, which bothered me greatly as i knew she was messaging other guys and lying. she wouldnt tidy the flat and she was paying our daughter very little attention.

this went on for about 2 months she was growing closer to the guys and further away from me. i was upset, heartbroken and i didnt know what to think. i started throwing accusations at her, she was finishing work later and later everynight, she was going out and getting drunk, staying out all night without telling me where she was staying. obviously i assumed the worst. so id get more and more angry, id throw some more accusations at her which drove her further into their arms. after this she ended it again. again i was left devastated because i loved her.

this is most recent as of the last 2 months. she says she wants to be a family but its not going to happen overnight. she says she cant force herself to feel something that isnt there. ive asked her if she loves me, and she says she cares for me because im her daughters father. obviously thats not what i asked and i know she doesnt love me. so we are taking things slowly, im trying to give her space but im finding it difficult. she admitted the other night that she went to one of the guys houses after work. she finished work at half 7 and went to his without telling me. i rung to find out where she was and her reply was ''nowhere''. so i asked who she was with ''noone''. at this point i knew she was with ''him'' the guy that she was really close to. the guy that worked next door. i left it a while and messaged her asking when she would be back, as it was now half 11. she admitted she was at his house. but she said nothing did and nothing would ever happen with them. she strolled in at half 12 after getting a taxi with a stupif grin on her face. i flipped. accused her of cheating again, and lying and decieving, she laughed it off and said its none of your business, we arent even together anyway.

i was upset, i didnt know wether to believe her or not. ive asked her if she wants to be a family, she says yes but will do nothing to help and i have nothing to work with. i asked her to promise me she wouldnt do anything with any guys util she knew for sure we were over. she said she wont say she will but she wont say she wont. as it stands in my mind im waiting for her to find someone new. i just feel like shes stringing me along and its hurting me more and more everyday because i love her so much.

is there anything i can do to maybe win her heart, ive tried so much already, ive changed the way i dress, i massage her, im giving her space, i dont throw accusations. i still tell her i love her, because i really genuinely do. after everything if i still feel this way, surely its worth trying to save? what can i do ? i dont want to lose her but i dont want to be walked over. please can somebody help? do you think she likes somebody else, am i being used for childcare, is there any hope? im sorry if this doesnt make much sense but right now my mind is all over the place. i love this girl but i feel she doesnt love me and wants somebody else.

please help

June 10, 2014

hey everyone, this is going to be a very long winded post but have nobody to turn to so im hoping you guys and girls can give me a hand and push me in the right direction. i havent told anybody other than my best friend about any of this, he helped me through the initial break up, and is the only person i can truely talk to about anything, however he is useless when it comes to giving advice, so im almost begging you guys to help me.

recently me and my girlfriend have split (her decision) and ended our 3 year on and off relationship. she says she feels nothing for me anymore but i still love her more than i ever have.

we have had our fair share of issues and neither of us are anywhere close to perfect. 2 years ago when we were still pretty new and happy to be with eachother all the time she cheated on me with my manager. he was texting and ringing her for weeks and being overly playful at work (we all worked together). i trusted her and thought nothing more of it until she told me two nights after it happened. i was heartbroken because i loved her and didnt expect this at all.

it all gets a bit complicated here. when i found out i ended the relationship, however around this time she fell pregnant, she wasnt sure who the father was but kept telling me i was. obviously i had my doubts and refused to believe her. i have never stopped loving her and even when seperated i was desperate to get back with her, but i was really struggling to deal with the infidelity and the possibility of becoming a father. i wanted to be with her but my head and my friends were telling me to stay clear. i decided to listen to my friends and family as they have all been through this before and i would never be able to decide on my own. a month passed and i was out having fun with friends, i wasnt able to do anything with any other females as i was still madly in love with my then ex. during the split she slept with my manager again, although she lied to me about it and said it was only ever the one time i knew about. she later revealed just 6 months ago that she did sleep with him when we split.

i had blocked her number and removed her from all social networking sites so she had no way of contacting me. but one night she came to work to meet me as she was sacked for various reasons. this night we sat down. i didnt say anything, i just listened to her. she was crying, begging for me back, telling me she loved me. it hurt to listen to it because i felt the same, i still loved her, but i couldnt bring myself to talk to her.

a couple of days passed and i asked her to meet me, we spoke and ''worked things out''. i told her it was going to take me a while to forgive her and go bacck to normal. however we tried again, i got to see the baby growing inside her, i went to the scans, and develeoped a bond with it. i loved them both. everything was going well until the time of birth, she refused to let me in to watch the birth as she feared i would wind her up about her fear of needles, i assured her i would be 100% supportive and there for her. she decided to take her friend in instead which hurt me greatly. at the time of the babies birth i was sat down in the cafeteria with my mum having a coffee. i got the message saying she was born and i ran upstairs, and there she was. my daughter, all doubts i had dissappeared. she was the spitting image of me and i loved her.

having the baby relaxed me alot and made me want to settle down as a family . after a while we both moved in together. i loved it, seeing them both everyday was perfect. everything was fine for a year or so but after a while things began to turn sour. the baby took its toll and we were both frustrated, tired, frazzled and the arguments started. she was convinced i was cheating on her, i have and would never cheat on anybody, due to my parents divorcing because of an affair i strongly disagree with cheating. during the split i hadnt touched another woman, i still loved her and i wasnt prepared to do anything with anyone until i was sure we wouldnt be together again. it was then that i realised i had never forgiven her for what she did. it would be brought up in arguments, things would remind me of it, and i couldnt deal with it. i started to distance myself from her, i would be blunt, i would go out witth friends instead of seeing her, and i would work late just to avoid her. i loved her but i was very very bitter about it. we argued some more annd we split again, this time it was my decision.

during this split i grew close to another woman, she was beautiful, funny, and we helped eachother through our difficult times, she was a friend. we had been seperated for another 2 months. i was trying to move on with this new woman but i couldnt, i still wanted the mother of my child and i wanted to be a family. we kissed and cuddled, but that was it, i liked her alot, but i didnt love her, nobody has ever come close to giving me the feelings my ex at the time did. so i decided to break things off with the new girl, although we were never official i made it clear that i would like to try again with my ex. she was fine with it and we remained just friends.

we spoke and agreed to both really make a go of it. i didnt tell her about the other girl, as we werent together and at the time i didnt see it as an issue, in hindsight i regret not telling her and the reason will become obvious in a little while.

so we tried again.after a few months she became very lazy after she found herself a new job. i would come home from a 12 hour shift every day to a filthy flat, living room was a state, kitchen was disgusting, and there were dirty nappies everywhere and she would be sat on her phone in her pyjamas on the sofa and i would then tidy the flat at 1 in the morning after work. this went on for weeks and despite me asking her to pull her finger out, she didnt. she worked 9 - 5, 4 days a week in a phone shop. i appreciate she would be stood up alot but it is hardly thee most strenuous job in the world.

one night we were out having lunch with my little sister, i was opening my world cup stickers (because im cool) and my little sister out of nowhere blurted out ''whatever happened with emily? why did you break up?''. i felt like shooting myself in the face. naturally the mother started asking questions, she knew of her but she didnt know we had kissed. that was until my little sister let that slip too. i now realise i should have been straight up, but at the time it really didnt seem important to me. i told her that we kissed, but nothing more happened, which was true. however she doesnt let things go and is adamament i slept with her. this little event took us back a thousand steps and things went down hill from there.

she had started spending more and more time on her phone, which i knew was because she was texting other guys. now, this is where the past came back up. i was obviously paranoid because she was doing exactly what she did when she cheated. so i would ask her questions, of which she would give me false answers. for example she would say she was texting a friend named laura, when infact she was talking to a guy named ryan that she had grown close to at work. she told me she thought he was hot, and that he liked her. so alarm bells started ringing, i then found out she was texting another 6 guys . only 2 she worked with. at this point i didnt know what to think. so i found myself constantly asking questions and getting more and more wound up that she would sit there and ignore me to message them.

i always told her i had no issues with her talking to guys, but i would like to know who they were and i asked her not to lie to me about it or hide anything, i wanted the relationship to work which requires honesty and being upfront.

so, she was crawling out of bed everyday around mid day. she would then have a fag, and then sit on the sofa on her phone all day. she would pay me little to no attention, which bothered me greatly as i knew she was messaging other guys and lying. she wouldnt tidy the flat and she was paying our daughter very little attention.

this went on for about 2 months she was growing closer to the guys and further away from me. i was upset, heartbroken and i didnt know what to think. i started throwing accusations at her, she was finishing work later and later everynight, she was going out and getting drunk, staying out all night without telling me where she was staying. obviously i assumed the worst. so id get more and more angry, id throw some more accusations at her which drove her further into their arms. after this she ended it again. again i was left devastated because i loved her.

this is most recent as of the last 2 months. she says she wants to be a family but its not going to happen overnight. she says she cant force herself to feel something that isnt there. ive asked her if she loves me, and she says she cares for me because im her daughters father. obviously thats not what i asked and i know she doesnt love me. so we are taking things slowly, im trying to give her space but im finding it difficult. she admitted the other night that she went to one of the guys houses after work. she finished work at half 7 and went to his without telling me. i rung to find out where she was and her reply was ''nowhere''. so i asked who she was with ''noone''. at this point i knew she was with ''him'' the guy that she was really close to. the guy that worked next door. i left it a while and messaged her asking when she would be back, as it was now half 11. she admitted she was at his house. but she said nothing did and nothing would ever happen with them. she strolled in at half 12 after getting a taxi with a stupif grin on her face. i flipped. accused her of cheating again, and lying and decieving, she laughed it off and said its none of your business, we arent even together anyway.

i was upset, i didnt know wether to believe her or not. ive asked her if she wants to be a family, she says yes but will do nothing to help and i have nothing to work with. i asked her to promise me she wouldnt do anything with any guys util she knew for sure we were over. she said she wont say she will but she wont say she wont. as it stands in my mind im waiting for her to find someone new. i just feel like shes stringing me along and its hurting me more and more everyday because i love her so much.

is there anything i can do to maybe win her heart, ive tried so much already, ive changed the way i dress, i massage her, im giving her space, i dont throw accusations. i still tell her i love her, because i really genuinely do. after everything if i still feel this way, surely its worth trying to save? what can i do ? i dont want to lose her but i dont want to be walked over. please can somebody help? do you think she likes somebody else, am i being used for childcare, is there any hope? im sorry if this doesnt make much sense but right now my mind is all over the place. i love this girl but i feel she doesnt love me and wants somebody else.

please help

You are doing too much and she is taking advantage of you. You honestly sound like a very very kind person, I hate to see you pining over someone who frankly, sounds like trash. She cheated on you, and I'll assume she used no condom when she did that. I could not forgive THAT ever.

You did absolutely nothing wrong, it's none of her business what you did while you were broken up, but cheaters LOVE to find anything they can to justify continuing their horrible behavior.

So many guys on here seem cool with their girl talking/texting to all these guys. I don't get that??? They aren't friends. Why would a guy want to be my friend, so we can go get our nails done, do lunch with fruity drinks, then go buy something pink? If she had to hide where she was then it's not just a friend, when you don't act EXACTLY the way you would with a same sex friend, then they are not just a friend. Something is up with that guy obviously.

I would tell her to get off her lazy ass and clean her crap up and I would stop with the massages, let the other guy rub her damn back, I would also stop sleeping with her if you still are, or at the very least protect yourself. You should be accusing her. If someone cheats and is truly remorseful, they will do anything to earn your trust back, including complete transparency. This think just smirked at you while you were hurting.

"She won't say she will she won't say she won't"? Well, if she can't make up her mind, make it for her. Don't be another one of her dozens of options. Be an example of a strong person for your daughter and find out your rights as far as custody. Do it now don't wait. I can't believe she can't clean or get off the phone to play with her child.

I'm sorry if I sounded harsh or angry, it's just people who have no morals who stomp selfishly on peoples hearts DO make me very very angry.

June 10, 2014

Jesus; that hurt just reading that OP.. I can't even imagine how you must feel.

I have nothing else to add except I hope that you find happiness.. All the best..

June 10, 2014

Dude, she now knows that she can walk all over you and you won't do anything about it. Dude, when she went to that guys house, she slept with him. Why do I know this? Because she convinced herself that it was none of your business and you weren't together anyway.

She's playing you dude.

June 10, 2014

She is using you big-time, and you're a fool for letting her get away with it. You're blinded by love, but don't forget: love needs to come both ways in order to work.

She is using you as a back-up plan. You're letting her play with you until you man up and tell her you're break-up permanently. You do not want to spend your life with someone who cheated on you (maybe even twice now). It's just not building material you got here man...

She will hurt you and keep doing so untill you will pull the plug, the sooner the better. Think of your daughter, shes also a victim of her behavior, are you going to let her grow up with a cheating, drunk-ass mom ?

As jbelle6 said, your too good for her. Please end it now and save yourself a lot of hurt cause this is only going to go downhill from here...

Edited June 10, 2014 by NC-Thomas

June 10, 2014

Another thing to consider, is that she convinced you that the baby is yours. Yet, come the day of the birth, you weren't allowed in. She let her friend in. I speculate that she had a feeling that the baby was going to come out as not being yours.

It would be hard to explain to you why the baby came out being black with you standing right there! Sound far fetched? It's happened before! As a matter of fact, it happened with my friends sister. His bother-in-law came out of the birthing suite and look white as a ghost. He announced that mom and baby were fine and he walked out of the hospital. Turns out it wasn't his. They're divorced now.

June 11, 2014

thankyou all for the replies, it has helped me realise what i feared. if its obvious to all of you then i guess it should be obvious to me

everything is all so confusing. i stayed over at hers lastnight on the sofa because im looking after my daughter today. i met her from the bus stop and we walked back to the flat. we were messing around in the way we used to when we walked together, it was nice to have her talking to me. she did ask me some weird questions, she mentioned that one day the pushchair could be a double, and asked if i wanted another baby, i told her i did, because i would like a litttle boy, but there was no chance until she proved herself to me and we sorted everything out. and to be honest im not sure i trust her to raise 1 let alone 2. she asked if it would hurt me if she had a baby with another guy, which instantly put a downer on things, i couldnt understand why she would ask that, but then she has always been a bit weird and asked stupid things like that. i told her of course because i love her and i didnt want to see any other guy with the woman i loved. the conversation was changed quickly on my part and we soon arrived home.

she sat there with her phone right infront of me texting, but she wasnt messaging guys, infact she didnt even recieve a message from any all night.

we sat down and cuddled and watched an episode of awkward. its a programme we both watched together when we would stay at her mothers, which strangely enough is pretty much exactly about my situation minus the baby. again it was nice to have her attention. we both fell asleep on the sofa and it felt like it used to. just me and her, little lady had been asleep since we both got home and everything was just great.

she had to leave early as she has training in bristol and she had to get an early train, on the way out she gave me 2 kisses, normally she wouldnt bother and just say bye. why the sudden change? its now 8 oclock and little lady is awake, shes sitting across the room ''drawing'' on the back of her book. after making her breakfast i discovered there was no food in the house. and i mean none. so as usual ill be doing the food shopping just to make sure she gets fed. ive brought it up with her and she says ''shes been busy''. theres no excuse for not feeding your daughter right? none whatsoever. im already skint as ive taken 3 weeks off work unpaid because i took my daughter to my dads house for 2 weeks while she tidied her flat because quite frankly it was unsafe. ive taken pictures of the flat, and im looking into getting custody, but from what ive read, shes in the driving seat. i want to join the army or the navy, but i cant do that while i know she would be solely responsible for my daughter. it seems like my life is on hold at the moment and theres nothing i can do unless i can sort things out with her, but she isnt willing to talk to me, we are going through mediation at the moment, shes had her appointment and im waiting for them to write to me confirming mine.

so, lastnight was weird. what kind of game is she trying to play, ''we arent together'' but she will sit and cuddle me without messaging other guys? im really confused. i think i need to follow everyones advice and end it. i have been blind, and ive been trying to win her back, despite the fact ive done nothing wrong.

i genuinely dont know how to deal with a break up, im only 21 and i havent "played the field" so to speak. ive never been short of offers and am told regularly that im a good looking guy and i should find someone that deserves me. but she is my first adult relationship, i always wanted to wait for the girl i wanted to spend the rest of my life with. very old fashioned but i have nothing but respect for women, and ive never been interested in one night stands.

all of my friends are in relationships, which means i cant necessarily rely on them if im feeling lonely, or down and just need someone to talk to. normally id go for a ride to clear my head and relax, but with the luck im having my bike has been reversed into and is now not working and even if it was i have no fuel money anyway.

i was doing well the first time round when i was trying to get over her, but the second i saw her again, i fell in love with her all over again. how can i stop this happening? i know if i didnt have to see her id be able to do it, but with a daughter that i look after regularly im going to see her atleast 3 times a week unless i can gain full custody. so how can i ''forget about her'' and try and move on?

how do i go about finding someone new, im a very shy person, and i dont really get the chance to go out much anymore with the hours i work, if i was to go to town then id be surrounded by the type of girl that i dont want. i dont want somebody that drinks every week and is looking for a one night stand. will somebody just come along eventually?

its been such a relief that i have somebody to talk to about all this and have people to answer the questions i have, so i cannot thank you all enough !

June 11, 2014

I did not read everyone's responses but I want to say that there is nothing you can do to guarantee to win her heart. There is plenty you can do to drive her further away (i.e., accusations, hounding her every move, fits of jealousy, etc.). My honest question to you is this - do you want to invest all your love into a person who refuses to love you back? Love is not a feeling but it is exclusive. Do you want a wife (or girlfriend for that matter) who won't even promise you that she isn't going to see other guys? What do you think you should do?

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