sportygirl Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Hi, Okay - desperately trying to get over the ex, and have realized half of the issue I'm having is that I want to almost gain some respect back from myself and him... after we broke up last year (yes last year!!), we maintained contact. This was pretty crushing for me as he'd flit between normal and flirty conversation which left me all over the place. I tried to think of him as just a flirty friend and tried dating etc. etc., but never quite moved on. A lot of this time was spent on texts though - not face to face. Fast forward about 10 months after the breakup, and we go on a holiday with mutual friends... and I'm such a nervously anxious person the whole holiday as I try to be 'normal' and 'over him' in every conversation and action. The problem was that all this stressing about trying to be normal made me super anxious to the point that about half way through I pretty much spent the rest of the time in tears!! He knows this as well despite my attempts to hide it. He also knows that its because I have feelings for him. I'm trying the NC approach, but the issue I'm having is that I'm really crushed and embarrassed about being so emotional.... he fell in love with a bubbly, happy girl and I know he feels responsible... and also I expect feels very, very much like he has to keep his distance now. Trouble is I really want him to see my bubbly side, and to know that I'm embarrassed about the whole thing so as we can clear the air. I feel as though until I do I'm always going to feel absolutely crushed by how daft I came across... its been a good 4 months since that holiday and I just want to make things right... not so that we'll get together, but so as I can get some self respect back. Any ideas? It really is playing on my mind so much - just feel so humiliated, and constantly replaying it... what I said, did, or didn't say or do... a made a total fool of myself. Thanks in advance.
Simon Phoenix Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Hi, Okay - desperately trying to get over the ex, and have realized half of the issue I'm having is that I want to almost gain some respect back from myself and him... after we broke up last year (yes last year!!), we maintained contact. This was pretty crushing for me as he'd flit between normal and flirty conversation which left me all over the place. I tried to think of him as just a flirty friend and tried dating etc. etc., but never quite moved on. A lot of this time was spent on texts though - not face to face. Fast forward about 10 months after the breakup, and we go on a holiday with mutual friends... and I'm such a nervously anxious person the whole holiday as I try to be 'normal' and 'over him' in every conversation and action. The problem was that all this stressing about trying to be normal made me super anxious to the point that about half way through I pretty much spent the rest of the time in tears!! He knows this as well despite my attempts to hide it. He also knows that its because I have feelings for him. I'm trying the NC approach, but the issue I'm having is that I'm really crushed and embarrassed about being so emotional.... he fell in love with a bubbly, happy girl and I know he feels responsible... and also I expect feels very, very much like he has to keep his distance now. Trouble is I really want him to see my bubbly side, and to know that I'm embarrassed about the whole thing so as we can clear the air. I feel as though until I do I'm always going to feel absolutely crushed by how daft I came across... its been a good 4 months since that holiday and I just want to make things right... not so that we'll get together, but so as I can get some self respect back. Any ideas? It really is playing on my mind so much - just feel so humiliated, and constantly replaying it... what I said, did, or didn't say or do... a made a total fool of myself. Thanks in advance. Dude, you really need to just go NC. This whole "showing your bubbly side" is another plot to try to manipulate his feelings for you. The more you try to project a certain attitude, the more you'll fail. If you just left well enough alone and let everything settle, you'd be a lot more effective. But you've done all this plotting and scheming for a year and look where it's gotten you -- nowhere. You need to just lay down your cards and let things happen naturally. Stop trying to control everything -- that's why you are in this pickle to start with. Honestly, you'll be bubbly again. But to do that, you have to LET GO. That's the only way you'll get your self-respect back. 2
Author sportygirl Posted June 10, 2014 Author Posted June 10, 2014 I just want his respect, not just mine. Feel as though I need to redeem myself after coming across as so emotional. If this is it I just want to finish up on happy noto, and not one where he feels he has to run in thr other direction for fear I'll cry. He is a good man and was a great friend bemote he decided to try dating.
learning_slowly Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 As said before, we all look for excuses to keep a relationship going. You're doing that. The relationship is dead. You should look for real friends who will care for you. I'm amazed you could go on holiday with an ex. I have accepted my relationship is dead, however I could not deal with being so close to her for more than a few minutes.
Simon Phoenix Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 I just want his respect, not just mine. Feel as though I need to redeem myself after coming across as so emotional. If this is it I just want to finish up on happy noto, and not one where he feels he has to run in thr other direction for fear I'll cry. He is a good man and was a great friend bemote he decided to try dating. You doing nothing would go a lot further in regaining his respect than going through with this dog-and-pony show that you are considering. You can't control how someone perceives you or feels about you. You've tried for a year to do this and you've failed miserably. Honestly, you need to let go and stop trying to control and manipulate everything. You are grasping at straws to try to curry the favor of this man. He realizes that. The only way you can change that is to stop the cycle and stop trying to make him feel a certain way about you. I would think that after a year you'd be tired of this game. 1
Author sportygirl Posted June 10, 2014 Author Posted June 10, 2014 The harsh but true words Simon Phoenix are exactly what I need to hear. Thank you. As an aside... he's just decided to message to say hello! Just when I decide enough is enough. I guess this is my opportunity to put words into action and try this NC approach.
XTiffanyX Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 I feel that NC is the only way here. Otherwise your going to keep getting caught in the cycle of contacting him , getting rejected and feeling embarassed afterwards. It's not going to do you any good in the long run.
OwMyEyeball Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Keep in mind that the entire 'no contact' rule is not about reconciliation. You've strung yourself along with false hope and games for the past year and put yourself through a roller coaster. You need to start grieving your loss instead of holding onto this hope that you can win him over through subtle manipulation and control. Tell yourself "It's over" and LIVE IT. Then go through the whirlwind of very strong emotions as your mind makes very painful, yet very necessary adjustments, to what you must begin to accept as a loss. It hurts. A lot. But the sooner you allow yourself to grieve, break all contact and put yourself first, the sooner that pain will dissipate and you can begin finding your own happiness. Don't become another lovelorn victim who claims it's their powerful love that is keeping them from moving on, even years down the road. You can't control your feelings. But you certainly do have full influence over your thoughts and behaviour. There's plenty of advice already on here and around the web - most of it pretty much the saying the exact same thing - on how to shape those effectively. You're strong enough to get through it. Best wishes.
Reels Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Relationship is dead, whether they broke or you did. Yes there is embarrassment, but all you can do is.. You can do something that benefit you. Thinking about "embarrassment" is not going to benefit you or anyone else.
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