TheWalkingDead Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 I'll call it what it is....because of being sexually abused by my grandpa when I was little, I don't do well with betrayal. My WS cheated on me, "only" in cybersex and emotional affairs a long time ago. I found out 18 months ago. Some IC (she was a scam artist like nearly ALL counselors and ran up the Bill on me by dragging things out), lots of discussion, weeping, and everything else later, I'm still triggering between 20 and 30 times per day, can't sleep, have no appetite, enjoy NOTHING, and ask myself "why?" about every couple minutes. My self-esteem is completely gone, along with my trust of ANYONE. I view myself as completely worthless, ugly, out of shape (even though by the numbers I'm in good shape), and completely unlovable. I see NO hope in any future happiness or recovery. I now see the world as predatory. I got really, really close to blowing my brains out ( after drinking all day every day for a few weeks) but decided against it. I still think of it a couple times per week. Oh....if you are thinking, "quit whining, it was only cybersex" you can bite me. P.S. If I read one more post from a WS about how they feel bad or are unhappy and trying to decide what to do, I'm going to vomit. Here's a tip....STOP TREATING YOUR SPOUSE LIKE A DAMN COW TO BE SLAUGHTERED WHENEVER YOU FEEL LIKE EATING!!!!! 4
PachucaSunrise Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 I'll call it what it is....because of being sexually abused by my grandpa when I was little, I don't do well with betrayal. My WS cheated on me, "only" in cybersex and emotional affairs a long time ago. I found out 18 months ago. Some IC (she was a scam artist like nearly ALL counselors and ran up the Bill on me by dragging things out), lots of discussion, weeping, and everything else later, I'm still triggering between 20 and 30 times per day, can't sleep, have no appetite, enjoy NOTHING, and ask myself "why?" about every couple minutes. My self-esteem is completely gone, along with my trust of ANYONE. I view myself as completely worthless, ugly, out of shape (even though by the numbers I'm in good shape), and completely unlovable. I see NO hope in any future happiness or recovery. I now see the world as predatory. I got really, really close to blowing my brains out ( after drinking all day every day for a few weeks) but decided against it. I still think of it a couple times per week. Oh....if you are thinking, "quit whining, it was only cybersex" you can bite me. P.S. If I read one more post from a WS about how they feel bad or are unhappy and trying to decide what to do, I'm going to vomit. Here's a tip....STOP TREATING YOUR SPOUSE LIKE A DAMN COW TO BE SLAUGHTERED WHENEVER YOU FEEL LIKE EATING!!!!! I really feel for you, OP, but I don't think anyone is going to bash you for whining. Cheating is cheating, PERIOD. And it hurts, regardless of what kind of betrayal it is. So, vent! Get it all out. That's what this place is for! I haven't been in a situation like yours before, but that doesn't mean I'm not a good listener. But if you're most comfortable talking with someone who HAS been in a situation similar to yours, there are a TON of truly helpful and caring people on here who will be replying to your post once the later morning rolls around - I'm very confident about this. Until then, I hope you're hanging in there okay?? If not, I'm not going to bed anytime soon - I'm serious. Not gonna lie - your post is very concerning. It really sounds as though your anger is eating away at you and that you are severely depressed. What can we do for you? You say that counseling has not been helpful to you... What have you done in the meantime? Are you working? Are you still with your SO? What are you doing with your time? Do you have any close family or friends? I hope you don't think this is silly, but I HAVE to post this, as you are continuing to contemplate "blowing your brains out" a couple times a week. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/475952-suicide-hotlines Please use this if necessary. Your self-esteem may be in the gutter, but you're showing us that you still do have some sort of hope, as you came here for support. That's a terrific first step, and I'm sure it wasn't easy. So, give yourself some credit for that at the very least. If you want the support, we are here for you. I can guarantee you that. 7
Author TheWalkingDead Posted June 10, 2014 Author Posted June 10, 2014 Pachuca, Thanks for responding to my venting. What can people do for me? Nothing....that's the horror of it. No close friends or family....I had a couple before dday, but now I recognize they are predators at worst and competitors at best. Not much anger these days...just sad, sadder, saddest. I still work, but my work is just another trigger. I also write a good bit of dark music. As far as actually blowing my brains out goes, never fear....I don't have the guts to do it.
PachucaSunrise Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Pachuca, Thanks for responding to my venting. You are welcome! What can people do for me? Nothing....that's the horror of it. Did venting give you any relief? If it did, definitely keep at it, and this is the perfect place to do it. Maybe we can't really "do anything" for you, but you certainly can do something for yourself. And you just did tonight. No close friends or family....I had a couple before dday, but now I recognize they are predators at worst and competitors at best. Not much anger these days...just sad, sadder, saddest. You're tugging at my heart strings here, man! This is no way to live! Do you want things to get better? Do you have hope for yourself? I still work, but my work is just another trigger. I also write a good bit of dark music. Even though it's a trigger and probably very difficult - YOU ARE HOLDING DOWN A JOB. Some people can't even do that (without triggers), so pat yourself on the back for that one - if not from you - from me! And it's a great sign that you're still writing music. Sounds like it's a good outlet for you to express yourself, yeah? I haven't tried it yet, but I've heard many positive things about journaling. Being that you came here to vent, maybe actually writing out your feelings will do you some good? Or maybe your music kinda mixes in with journaling? At any rate, definitely keep at it. As far as actually blowing my brains out goes, never fear....I don't have the guts to do it. Okay, good. But you're still obviously very depressed. You don't seem too fond of counselors/therapists, BUT... In my case, anyway, I was able to see a therapist based on my income. And at the time, it was dirt cheap - FREE! Took a little while to find someone who I felt comfortable and connected with, but once I found them, they were a HUGE help. And believe it or not, she was a NUN! I S$it you not! I am not religious in the least bit, but oddly enough, out of all the counselors I went through, she was the best! I cursed in front of her and everything, haha!! So, needless to say, that was a HUGE eye-opening experience for me. You just never know... One last thing... You said you had a D-day. I'm taking it as though you're not with your SO anymore? 2
gettingstronger Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Everything you are thinking and feeling is pretty normal-the degree to which you are thinking them and the fact its paralyzing to you is cause for concern-I can remember feeling hopeless, feeling like the world was out to get me, etc... How long ago was dday? What specifically are you doing each day to feel a little better? No one on here has the magic answer for you, but we can share our experiences and give you an outlet to rant and/or discuss- 2
Trustnoone Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Walking dead I've been in your shoes for the last 13 months. I trigger each day when I arrive for work and all damn day. My WW had an affair with her co-worker. They would meet across the street from work and drive together to their spot. Across from my work is a large forest preserve. WW and I work for the same company but different buildings.i would see an speak with her affair partner at least once a week unbeknownst to me. I wonder what went through his mind while talking to me. I didn't feel like a man for a year. I simply existed but had no emotions of happiness. I was depressed and dying was a pleasant thought for me. All my pain would end. WW and I are in MC and we have been blessed with a great therapist. Therapist calls me out quite often and issues homework I benefit from greatly. Life is beginning to turn around. I can't say if we make it but we are giving it everything we have. Accepting the affair has proven to be difficult especially with all of the affairs little nuances you don't see coming. If you are suicidal I plead with you to seek assistance from anywhere. Seeking assistance for me personally was extremely difficult. I felt weak in that I couldn't be strong enough to move forward through this. Seeking assistance has proven to be one of my better choices in this turmoil. What you are going through is definitely not worth losing your life over. I feel your pain and now I'm on the path to recovery. I didn't think this was possible two months ago. Good luck to you as you find your way from the darkest moment of your life. 5
Author TheWalkingDead Posted June 10, 2014 Author Posted June 10, 2014 Pachuca and Trustnoone, Trustnoone just got to that name before me! True that letting no one in is no way to live, but being stabbed in the back, betrayed by alleged "love", and alleged friends and family while it is going down ("lighten up....you are bringing down the party", "your problems are no bigger than anyone else's", "that's not that bad") is a worse way to live, so I will go it alone. I will survive solely because I am scared of death....it's been far too long alone and hopeless already, and I have no plans for recovering who I was. I had my one shot, I got burned....the cards I was dealt sucked and life is not a draw game so I can trade nothing in. I was damaged so badly so young that I should have known not to get mixed up with trying to be happy or find love. And, frankly, trustnoone has the right name, and I trust no one, so I'm not going there to whether we're still together trying to work through it or any other details of the story. Venting helped some, but now that people are asking questions I'm having buyer's remorse at sharing anything and can't figure out how to delete my first post....hey....all this and dumb as a bag of hammers too!
Spark1111 Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 get to IC....but PLEASE find a good one trained in childhood abuse. Of course you have trust issues. Who wouldn't? And don't let yourself or others downplay the pain caused by cybersex. Pain is pain and betrayal is betrayal. Align yourself with a solid support group and that MOSTLY includes those who have experienced it also. No more drinking. Alcohol is a depressant. It's never the answer. We all feel ugly and worthless after infidelity. Even the drop-dead gorgeous Christe Brinkley who discovered her xH having Cybersex and doing the 18-year old babysitter. I mean...REALLY? Start exercising....HARD. It releases natural, feel good endorphins. Find someone to talk to. And please keep posting here. 6
BetrayedH Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Sorry, bud. For what it's worth, a lot of people here "get it." At 18 months and this level of non-recovery, I'd recommend you divorce. Some people simply cannot handle staying married after infidelity, even if they 'want' to. The whole damn thing was torture for me, too. In some cases, the reality is that our WW is the worst trigger of them all. She's a trigger when she's there and she's more of a trigger when she's not there. You gotta break this cycle. One thing I can tell you for sure is that there's life after divorce, especially for an employed, decent-looking guy. But you gotta get out of this "hopeless" mindset. Start making changes and things will...change. 6
compulsivedancer Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 WalkingDead, I'm sorry your family and friends weren't supportive and made light of your feelings. It feels like betrayal, and in some ways it is. But oftentimes these are well-meaning people who simply don't understand the depths of emotion caused by an affair. Until you've been there, or really witnessed it, it's impossible to understand. In many ways it was like grieving a death for H. I would encourage you to not think of them as untrustworthy even though they've let you down, unless they've truly show themselves to be people you cannot trust. You need to find a support system, especially if you can find someone or some people who understand what you are going through. This place is a good start, but can't take the place of real people in your life. 1
beach Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 A skilled trauma counselor could help you work through that pain to the OTHER (happier) side. I hope you will seek help so that you stop handing all your power to others and their bad behavior. It's difficult, but worth it. I hope you will heal. Alcohol is bound to magnify the pain (if temporarily mask it - it's a temporary illusion). Better to face what is real and discard what hurts so you can move forward. 1
dichotomy Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 You bring up many topics most of which I understand very well. If you had a not so good therapist - find another - and another - till you get the right one. I have had many - and all had their differences and some where good for something's but not others 1) Self esteem - you can fix this. I had to overcome more than most after my wife(s) cheated on me. You have to believe in you, and not let others define you - all I can say is this took me a LONG time to work on. But it is the bedrock of all else. 2) Trust - I struggled with this after my first marriage. "I am going to find a good Christian woman that I can trust to marry the second time, not an atheist like last time". Nope - still lied and cheated ......what I accepted is you can trust that ALL people are flawed and can hurt you. This is not in cynical or negative way or giving up- but basically an acceptance of human nature and life. I like to give an example of getting a pet - you figure you want a nice loyal dog who will not bite or **** on you. So you say - no pit bulls - going to get a nice golden retriever - then one day your golden retainer gets hurt or sick - and he bites you and ****s on the carpet. All dogs can bite - what you going to do they are still nice pets. All people can and probably will hurt you in some way - what you going to do? Trying having kids if you want to get see how someone you love can hurt you with the worst kind of words or actions. The point is once you accept it, you can move past it - just try again to find the best breed of dog - or woman - you can to minimize it - but understand it could happen - and your going to be you and stay you no matter what another person says or does. 2
Trustnoone Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Walking dead You need to go to your nearest emergency room. You need to speak with an ER crisis worker NOW. I WAS in your shoes. I've walked that path alone for 13 months and it is never too late. I myself sought help at my darkest hour. I'm alive because of that. Since my WW and I work for the same company we drive together. Did you drive YOUR wife to her OM?? I DID! Do you know what that feels like? Go get help, please, there is so much more to life. I hope you keep posting and venting also. Answer what you want to and don't respond to questions that are too painful. Notice I joined last year, still haven't posted my story. I tried to learn from here best I could and I finally got my WW to confess. Please don't give up, get help. Best of luck to you. 2
Ultramarine Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 TheWalkingDead, You are very obviously depressed and need help. Please don't wait to get it...if you don't want counceling, you may still benefit from antidepressants. They don't solve anything long term but at least take the edge off and level out your mood so you can think better. I second getting yourself into the gym if you can make yourself do it...It helps me keep my brain chemicals in check. And the very act of taking care of yourself for yourself will make you feel a tiny bit better. As for the fact that it was cybersex...it may make your WS feel better about herself but it doesn't matter. It hurts just as much as if it happened on your living room couch. When I found out that my husband was sexting a girl almost 3 years ago, I felt like i got hit by a train...and three years later, I am still angry about it and sad. This all-filling sadness you are talking about...I know it so well. 1
seren Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Once I realised that I was lumping everything together and trying to make sense of ALL the crap at the same time, I made smaller piles to deal with at a time. Some stuff takes longer to work through than others, getting it all mixed up is not a good thing. One step at a time xx 2
Author TheWalkingDead Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 Look, eveybody....I already said I'm sorry I brought it up. Can we let it go now and let this post sink to the bottom with me? I'd appreciate it greatly. Thanks in advance.
beach Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Look, eveybody....I already said I'm sorry I brought it up. Can we let it go now and let this post sink to the bottom with me? I'd appreciate it greatly. Thanks in advance. This is exactly why your still not healthy. It's healthy to talk about things - especially things that aren't right. Stuffing the feelings down/inside would make anyone want to explode eventually. If you're not happy about it - get those feelings out. Keeping things bottled up would make anyone an angry mess. Are you at all willing to get professional guidance? I hope you will.
Author TheWalkingDead Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 Yes, I've heard that venting helps. I can't spare the money for help, and even if I could, I've found only one group to be more predatory than the people allegedly close to me....so called therapists who almost all drag things out to run up the bill. Now, seriously....I shouldn't have brought it up, I thank you all for being strangers but still more concerned for me than anyone actually in my life is, and I am SERIOUSLY out at this point....you all can dissect me, if you like.... hell...you can butcher and grill me if you like, but I'm out. Good luck to you, and thanks again for dropping this NOW.
BetrayedH Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Yes, I've heard that venting helps. I can't spare the money for help, and even if I could, I've found only one group to be more predatory than the people allegedly close to me....so called therapists who almost all drag things out to run up the bill. Now, seriously....I shouldn't have brought it up, I thank you all for being strangers but still more concerned for me than anyone actually in my life is, and I am SERIOUSLY out at this point....you all can dissect me, if you like.... hell...you can butcher and grill me if you like, but I'm out. Good luck to you, and thanks again for dropping this NOW. This place did more for me than any therapy. And it doesn't have any of those threats of manipulation; it's tough for us to run up the bill. Your choice, of course, but frankly, what do you have to lose by talking with people here? I don't think people want to dissect you but perhaps SOMETHING that someone here says will be of some help. Personally, I found it helpful to get a wide array of viewpoints/advice (for free) and then I chose what I thought fit best for me. As is the norm around here, take what works for you and leave the rest.
beach Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Yep, this place is FREE - and many folks here have been abused in many ways, shapes and forms. And many here have addressed their issues head on in order to work THROUGH the anger and resentment. Shutting off help isn't bound to help you grow and understand how to alleviate your pain. In fact, you're likely to prolong the pain. Like energy attracts - so the best you can expect to attract next is an angry, bitter woman. I hope you will open up and understand we will help you through the pain if you can find it in yourself to let out your feelings. Why not start by writing things out here? Write a letter to your wife how you feel about her cheating on you. Write a letter here to your gramps about how his abuse made you feel. Say here what you would like to have said to him as a younger child. Try it - I hope you will.
Trustnoone Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Walking dead May I ask why you posted? What I'm saying is you post your story and then it seems you're upset someone took the time to answer. Some stranger (me included) took the time to respond and you become upset. I'll go out in limb here and say you took the time to seek help or just vent by posting. I haven't posted my story as the pain is still to raw for me. But I vent by responding on others threads. If my story helps someone I think that's good, if it doesn't they move in. Point is I have chosen this route to vent as I understand I will get tough and helpful responses. I have triggered reading some posts and responded out of anger, I immediately posted an apology as my post was not helpful and wrong. So post your vents on here and maybe you get advice that could work for you. Not all therapists and counsellors are good so if you don't like one go to another. If you cannot afford one check your local government for resources. Help is most likely all around you if you choose to utilize it. 2
PachucaSunrise Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 This place did more for me than any therapy. I agree with you, 100%. I'm very grateful for it. Your choice, of course, but frankly, what do you have to lose by talking with people here? I don't think people want to dissect you but perhaps SOMETHING that someone here says will be of some help. Personally, I found it helpful to get a wide array of viewpoints/advice (for free) and then I chose what I thought fit best for me. As is the norm around here, take what works for you and leave the rest. Again, I am in agreement with you, 100%, but we can only help those who want to be helped. He's clearly not at that point yet - that's only going to happen when and if he's ready - it's all up to him. So, as much as we'd like to lend a helping hand, all we can do right now is wish him well. But I must say - this thread really displays some true compassion, and I'm glad to be a part of it! Good luck to you, WD! We're here, should you need a listening ear. 1
Author TheWalkingDead Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 TrustNoOne, I was having an horrific night. To add to my usual bit of severe depression, PTSD, and all the rest of the gifts of being a member of this species on this planet, I added insomnia to the mix. Problem is, I can't get away from myself when I'm awake. That was a really, really bad night. Now I'm back to merely dreadful and I'm sorry I posted in a desperate moment. Honestly....I looked for where to delete it and couldn't find it (that's pretty jacked up for a place that is supposed to help build trust....), and then tried to edit it to just delete all the text and it wouldn't let me edit it (also jacked up). I'm gonna go see my doctor, Captain Morgan now.
Trustnoone Posted June 11, 2014 Posted June 11, 2014 Walking dead I'm sure you know drinking will not help you. What I'm trying to show you is that by posting a part of is you asking for help. If you don't want to listen to me that's fine, but listen to that part of you that wants help. I've been there its extremely hard to ask for help, yet I did get help and doing far better. Was it easy? No. Anything you want that has value comes with a price. My therapist? Anything she says is not taken by me as correct, we have battled and will continue to do so. So not everybody on this thread is right. Take what you can from others that have been in your shoes and get help. Go to your nearest emergency room, or call a help line, but go get help.
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