Sriracha Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Hi Everyone, This is my first post, so <insert cliché apology about it being a long one> My boyfriend is 10 years younger than me. He’s 23, I’m 33. We’ve been dating for over a year and a half. I am divorced and I have two kids (ages 5 & 7). Naturally, when we first started seeing each other his family was pretty freaked out. Honestly, I was freaked out when we started dating and having just gotten out of a divorce, I didn’t really think this relationship had future potential. But I was proven wrong and we’ll be together 2 years this October and we’re very happy together. We’ve taken things really slow because of my daughters. At any rate, I’ve met his family a few times and they’ve met my girls once, and it’s just very obvious that my BF’s father and his older brother just dislike me/disapprove of me. His mom? I’m not sure. She’s very sweet, but she’s nice to everyone, so I’m having a hard time seeing any authenticity in her niceness. Last summer, she was actually pretty vocal about inviting my girls and I to come up for 4th of July and other summer activities, but my BF and I didn’t think the timing was right to introduce my girls to his family yet because he had just been barely introduced to my girls… I waited about 6 months to introduce him to the kids and then probably 8 months before the 4 of us started doing some activities- and even then they were spaced out. So anyways, we didn’t want to overwhelm them with meeting his family on top of that. By Thanksgiving, my family was spread out and nobody was hosting, so I had no family around/no plans. My boyfriend, as a surprise, asked his mom if the girls and I could join them for Thanksgiving. It was a sweet gesture… he even wrote me a silly little invitation inviting us to join them and I understand he was trying to be nice, but it freaked me out. I felt like it was a pity invite and was very nervous about going. We went and his dad and brother basically ignored me and the girls the whole time. It was a very awkward day trying to make sure my girls were well behaved and just making a good impression to someone who I had now only met like 4 times. His dad insulted the salad I made and IDK, I just tried to ride it out and not take things too seriously. My boyfriend was really sweet hanging out with me and his mom.. he even brought up how picky his dad was about food and asked his mom to share some stories of other times where he insulted her cooking.. I know he was trying to make me feel better and it was greatly appreciated. We spent Christmas 2013 apart.. my sister was in town and he went to visit his family a couple hours away. I joined him for an after xmas weekend at his parent’s lake house with his brother, his brother’s girlfriend, and it was a horrible weekend. Aside from his mother, they were not friendly at all to me and it made me very uncomfortable. Even my BF sensed it and halfway through the weekend, he abruptly said we needed to go out for a bit just to get out of the “awkward environment”. We have talked about it and he did say that his brother and father do seem to have an issue with me, but he assured me that his mom likes me. However, it still makes me feel unsettled. Anyways, I haven’t seen his family since XMAS. Last Tuesday I saw his mom at a concert we all had tickets to. It was his mom and her friends and she invited us to meet up with them sine they had box seats. That was fine.. like I said, she’s always a nice person to everyone. However, now this summer, his family has mentioned times they want to see him and have omitted inviting me and the girls and I’m hurt by it. They invite his brother and his girlfriend along, so yeah I feel like I am purposefully being left out. They want him to spend 4th of July weekend with them and we had already been making plans for doing something with my girls that weekend. My BF has no problem telling them he already has plans, so that’s not the problem. The problem is that now I feel rejected and the thought of future potential invites from them (if it happens) doesn’t sound exciting. Frankly, I am nervous about ever spending time with them because of how I they feel about me. It feels fake. As of right now, there is no invitation from his family and I don’t expect one, but there’s a slight chance that his mom, being as nice as she is, might invite us along once she finds out he doesn’t want to come up that weekend because he’ll be with me, and honestly, I don’t know how to respond. I don’t want another pity invite. I understand why his family might be apprehensive, but I can’t change my circumstances and I feel like because of my circumstances, they’re not even bothering trying to give me a chance. I just feel like they judged me and well, I’m not sure what to do about it. Should I just not worry about invites and focus on spending time with my BF and just stay out of his family events? Or do I just ignore the dislikes and go if I’m invited knowing how awkward it might be?
FitChick Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Just avoid the brother and dad and invite the mother to do things with you, the girls and boyfriend away from their home. Don't be mean or nasty because they will use that as ammunition against you. They may never like you. You have to get used to it. Happens to plenty of people with their in-laws. My mother's mother-in-law always hated her until the day she died. At least we lived hundreds of miles away. You can think about moving if you decide to marry.
Author Sriracha Posted June 9, 2014 Author Posted June 9, 2014 I guess I could just avoid them, but wouldn't that mean I basically have to avoid all family events then? I guess I should caveat that with, If I ever get invited to another family event... I don't want to be the anti-social girlfriend. I've already got enough working against me. The whole thing just makes me feel so uncomfortable.
FitChick Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 If you are not invited to family events you are not supposed to go. If anyone asks why you weren't there, just say you were not invited. They will look bad, not you. 1
Author Sriracha Posted June 9, 2014 Author Posted June 9, 2014 I appreciate what you're saying Fitchick, and you're right.. there isn't anything for me to do about the stuff I'm not invited to, however,knowing my boyfriend and his mom, I don't foresee his family making him choose between him and me on a holiday and will thus, out of politeness, invite me along. That is where I'm not sure what I should do, because then I would be the anti social girlfriend because I honestly wouldn't want to go knowing how they feel about me and knowing how awkward it can get. I guess I'll cross that bridge when it truly comes, but it still concerns me.
Nisren Posted August 3, 2014 Posted August 3, 2014 Dear Sriracha, I understand your feelings. I am in a similar position. I am 31 and he is 24. I was never married and dont have children. His family is nice to me but I was surprised about my mothers reaction. She showed her back when they met for the first time just because he looks young. I look younger as well but anyway I guess she was in a shock when they saw each other. We are together for only 6 months but I never met a better person than he is. He is just amazing and so matured. I do not feel the age difference actually sometimes I feel he is the one who is more responsible and open to have a family... I just wonder how are you and how things moved further? I guess in this situation when you feel your partner is your world we have to just go our way because this is our life and not theirs!!!! If they dont want to accept it we have no other chance just to go on this way without them? 1
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