First breakup, and I cannot trust my judgment

[Allosdiver]

Hello LS forums;

 

Just during last week me and my girlfriend definitely broke up.

To be honest, we did officially break up about a month ago, for reasons besides me (she and my parents couldn't deal with each other), but we constantly doubted our decision and didn't really believe in it.

 

Last week though, something suddenly changed - she went out, flirted with a guy, kissed with him, and then decided she didn't need me.

Cue the next day, and she tells me this. In the confusion (I didn't know her feelings totally changed) I begged for hours on end, and did clingy business afterwards as well. she then initiated a couple of days of NC because I was scaring her.

 

I did now apologize, explain myself, and it looks like we're now building a friendship. She even explained what the problems were that made her feelings for me 'disappear' - as far as she claims.

She now behaves and acts in every way as if I'm dead to her as boyfriend material.

 

However, I am not content with becoming friends. I don't want to have to witness what she thinks is better than me, I don't want to have to endure her comments on any girls I might come up with.

 

Right now I have two distinct opinions steering me;

On the one hand, I want her back. without a doubt she is more than a good match with me, and although I did make a lot of errors - just like her - I know we would have a bright and happy future together if we'd just give each other a chance to grow up.

 

On the other hand, I really do not approve of her cold shoulder behaviour to me, leading to a bit of rancune and hate.

 

Whatsoever, we're now in a sort of comfy situation where we chat every now and then (which feels very natural, one and a half years of being used to each other and all), but whenever I can't control my sadness and pop up something clingy (not even necessarily hard clingyness, but when I look at it I realise the mistake), she gets cold and tells me to give up on her.

 

I am not too sure if NC would cut it though. during our relationship we didn't see each other more than 4 or 5 times a month at max, raising to 6-8 during holidays - it feels to me like she could forget me if NC would commence.

 

Please assist me, I have absolutely no clue what the right thing to do, and I really need some third party help. This was never how I wanted things to end, and I don't want to lose her forever

Thanks in advance..

 

P.S. I do have to note that she broke this NC - I held silence for 2 days, but then she got concerned if I had blocked her, and then continued to ask how I was feeling.

Edited June 9, 2014 by Allosdiver

[carrie_o]

I say move on. She doesn't want you as a boyfriend right now. If she ever changes her mind, she will find you. You can't convince her to love you no matter what you try.

[Allosdiver]

Some days further in now, and I'm finally myself again - I can think straight, and I decided to put in a real no-contact.

This way, either she'll leave my life for good. This is good, because if I stayed friends with her I'd only pain myself, and she'd only abuse the fact that I still deeply cared for her by demanding my attention without paying any respect back to me.

Or, in an almost surreal situation, she'd come to think that the contact she had with me was also part of the relationship, and that it is a part she did always treasure and will miss despite her current state of mind.

 

Whatsoever, I'm going to move on, and if she does want me after all, she's gonna have to come to me. I'm not going to wait and be abused while doing it; thanks for that advice, carrie

[Allosdiver]

Stuff got weird.

 

I dealt with it through the nc, I became strong again, from being pathetically desperate. However, she was trying to contact me, and in the process seemed to have some conflicted thoughts of her own. (randomly sending a link to a lovesong without any explanation, and later claiming she doesn't know herself why she did, for example)

 

Whatsoever, through my not reacting she started to think I hate her. I thought that if there were to be any chance of her missing me and wanting to try once more, I couldn't let that happen. So I broke the NC, I send a gigantic letter explaining why I NC'd and that I did not hate her. Her reaction was a conflicted as the rest, although she did state she couldn't stand me (albeit she 'could never hate me')

 

This breaking of NC from my side did shatter my resolve. I now hunger for contacting her, and for some reason (not sure if it's rational) I feel like I have a chance.

What do I do.. I'm pretty sure if I go allout nc for another half month I'll be too late, and I've kept silent for a couple days already. Is there anything neutral I can do or say that could make her give me information about her feelings?

[RachelJansen]

How old are you guys? I think you should straight up communicate/lay your cards on the table and ask her where you stand.

 

However, accept that you might not get the answer you expect. Then, go NC.

 

It sounds like she does not want to be in a relationship with you anymore, but misses the attention you gave her so she comes back for ego boosts.

[Allosdiver]

We're both 19. And you're probably right, I'm just willing to accept every single breadcrump as a beacon of hope.

I'm just really regretful over the stupid things I did (or actually did not) do, and I know I could become who I should be for her, if she'd give me another chance.

 

Obviously that won't be like it was. If she were to give me a chance.

 

I'm planning on putting my regret and promises of improving into some sort of a goodbye, and to then go NC.. If there is any serious chance she'd want me back she'd prevent me from disappearing, and otherwise I know where I stand, and I'll just have to go through with letting go.

[RachelJansen]

We're both 19. And you're probably right, I'm just willing to accept every single breadcrump as a beacon of hope.

I'm just really regretful over the stupid things I did (or actually did not) do, and I know I could become who I should be for her, if she'd give me another chance.

 

Obviously that won't be like it was. If she were to give me a chance.

 

I'm planning on putting my regret and promises of improving into some sort of a goodbye, and to then go NC.. If there is any serious chance she'd want me back she'd prevent me from disappearing, and otherwise I know where I stand, and I'll just have to go through with letting go.

 

You say you know you could become who you should be for her if she gave you another chance.

 

Love does not work like that.

 

You should work on becoming who you should be for you. Never for someone else.

 

I think you've said enough goodbyes to her already -- no need for more.

 

You should go NC right away. For yourself. Try it for at least 30 days. Aim to heal yourself first. Then, if you are still thinking of her, get in touch and see where she is.

[Allosdiver]

You say you know you could become who you should be for her if she gave you another chance.

 

Love does not work like that.

 

You should work on becoming who you should be for you. Never for someone else.

 

I think you've said enough goodbyes to her already -- no need for more.

 

You should go NC right away. For yourself. Try it for at least 30 days. Aim to heal yourself first. Then, if you are still thinking of her, get in touch and see where she is.

 

Honestly I phrased that wrongly. Point of the matter is, I was lazy, unattentive, and was suffering of a double depression, and I let it all go and get the better of me - the person I was at the beginning of all this, the person I see as the person I am, wouldn't have let this happen, and this shock made me see it.

 

Is there harm in saying that last goodbye? I feel like it would greatly help me, and (albeit this is probably lizard brain talk) like it might set her mind on a bit of a different track where it concerns me.

[ThorntonMelon]

Is there harm in saying that last goodbye? I feel like it would greatly help me, and (albeit this is probably lizard brain talk) like it might set her mind on a bit of a different track where it concerns me.

 

It will make you feel worse and it will certainly set her mind on a different track - it will make it worse.

[Allosdiver]

I posted the apology, since it's only been a short time since I broke down I didn't lose much healing progress, and it really feels like it helped me to put my regrets there, to tell her one last time I love her (I don't care that she doesn't love me back anymore, for reasons further on. I just had to say it one last time.)

 

However, what thornton said was in my mind while I did it. I said it, truly, as a goodbye. I said whatever part of the person I loved that still remains goodbye, knowing that I was more than likely burning my bridges. It served to force me to move on, while also getting the regret out of the system.

 

I'd like to thank you guys for reading and perhaps even emphasizing with me as this unfolded. 'might be I'll update a bit more during the healing process or in the <1% chance she's having a turn of heart, but for now the only thing I can do is wait and sit out the pain, to get my mind of of it.

Really, I don't know any of you and yet you guys care enough about people in general to help a total stranger through perhaps his lowest point in terms of dignity. You're all wonderful. Thanks.