ThatsJustHowIRoll Posted June 8, 2014 Share Posted June 8, 2014 The fact that OP cannot remember what happened indicates she was in a state of drunkenness where she was not fit to give consent. Now you can blame where she was, what she wore, who she was with, how drunk she was, all you like...but it amounts to the same thing: victim blaming. She cannot temember giving consent...ergo she was not in the state to give it. Instead of preaching about everything she did wrong and making her feel even more horrible than she already does, take some time to discuss men that think its ok to have sex with a woman who is clearly drunk and not in control of their situation. I hope I raise my sons to know the difference and do whats morally right rather than take advantage of another human being in such an egregious way. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted June 8, 2014 Share Posted June 8, 2014 The fact that OP cannot remember what happened indicates she was in a state of drunkenness where she was not fit to give consent. Now you can blame where she was, what she wore, who she was with, how drunk she was, all you like...but it amounts to the same thing: victim blaming. She cannot temember giving consent...ergo she was not in the state to give it. Instead of preaching about everything she did wrong and making her feel even more horrible than she already does, take some time to discuss men that think its ok to have sex with a woman who is clearly drunk and not in control of their situation. I hope I raise my sons to know the difference and do whats morally right rather than take advantage of another human being in such an egregious way. Bravo to this! It just disgusts me to think that people actually have the audacity to make victim-blaming statements to a person in this situation. The ONLY thing that matters is this statement: "She cannot remember giving consent...ergo she was not in the state to give it." That's it. I agree with janedoe's earlier post about how some people on forums like this are maybe way too used to dissecting, analyzing, and criticizing everything from the standards of what the person should do if they did everything perfectly, instead of acting like human beings. Not that it matters, but taking the story at face value, this does NOT sound like an alcoholic blackout. She had indicated she has drank before and that it did not seem an excessive amount of alcohol compared to what she experienced in the past. Most people who have blackouts that involve doing things like going to another location and sleeping with someone remember at least some glimpses of the experience. This sounds much more like a drugged out, passed out state. OP, I hope you are okay and that you can come let us know how you are doing. Link to post Share on other sites
violet1 Posted June 8, 2014 Share Posted June 8, 2014 OP, I hope you're okay and will update us soon. Please take care! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted June 8, 2014 Share Posted June 8, 2014 I wonder sometimes if we have become so…warped from forum perspectives that we no longer see things from a rational perspective. We spend so much time ruminating and focused on all the variations and permutations of betrayal and reliving our own pain over and over…we see everything as a nail because we’ve all become hammers. This is one of the most insightful (and, I believe, accurate) statements that I have read in a very long time. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
revelations Posted June 9, 2014 Share Posted June 9, 2014 Where I live men and women can be charged with rape when intoxicated but it is very hard to prove and men rarely come forward for rape as it is. Besides the fact that a very large group of men cannot get it up when intoxicated to that level. I hope the OP finds out the truth but this may be something that will always be a dark spot. If her husband loves her and is a good man he will be there for her and not blow his family apart over a drunken mistake. That is all on him now. I find the end of your post rather insensitive towards this woman. Raped or not she doesn't need to hear how evil women are. She sounds broken and afraid. I don't think that was helpful. The fact is that no one knows if OP was actually drugged and raped or just drank to much and blacked out. My attack was not direct at OP, my attack was directed at sexist laws that exist where I live. I do not like it when that law is not applied evenly between people for any reason. What is more disturbing to me is when people try and justify this by playing the victim card. The simple fact is that when I see stuff like this I will call it out. If people here have a problem with than, then they need to figure out why they feel so self-entitled. You are not better or worse than me based on your skin color, gender or sexual preference. So why should you have laws that protect you and not me? I stay away from women because these laws can be used against me at any time. For me it is not worth risking being labeled a criminal because a woman changes her mind the next day. To me it is simple, the risk of being with a woman both financially and legally are far too great compared to the small rewards you gain from being with a woman. Just so this is clear, this is a complaint about current laws were I live at. If the laws were reversed I am sure men would take advantage of them just like women do now. However you can justify sexist laws any way you like, your the one who has to live with yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Posted June 9, 2014 Share Posted June 9, 2014 (edited) Since the OP hasn't logged in we'll close this thread till she comes back. Thread starter, alert on my post if you would like to have this thread re-opened, thanks Edit: Thread re-opened per request from thread starter for update. Edited June 10, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Thread re-opened Link to post Share on other sites
Author how could I Posted June 10, 2014 Author Share Posted June 10, 2014 i wanted to come back and thank everyone who encouraged me to go to the hospital and for all the judgmental people on this thread and the other one that caught my eye to say... i never use that word but you will know what it is. i was drugged and raped by a married man with children (maybe him?). after a few shots my friend started kissing her boyfriend. The rest of us wanted to move on with our evening and told her she could stay (she was our DD) and we would call a cab. but one of the men who was there said his wife wanted him to come home because they had a sick kid. i want to clarify something here even though i don't need to but going to her boyfriend's house was not wrong and unless you have something against shots and drinking that was not wrong either. i have on occasion been drunk. much less since i got married and became a mother but this strange idea i read here that i was somehow in the wrong in this really upsets me. this was one of those accidents that only knowing the future would have stopped. i did nothing wrong. And now Ii am a mess and i want to blame myself but my husband won't let me. I rarely get out since i had the kids and even he saw nothing wrong with me going to the boyfriend's house beforehand because I did text him as i always do. not to update him or ask permission but to talk to him and tell him I was finally going to meet the boyfriend we had heard so much about. I live in a small city and even though i didn't know these people i know people who know them. that happens in a population of 36,000. maybe everyone of us have been lulled into a false sense of protection but going to someone's, who is well known, house is not considered some evil crime that so many people jumped all over. but I am getting worked up and only wanted to let the non judgmental people know what happened. we got to karaoke and i told my friends i wasn't feeling well and was going to call a cab. the man who had given a rolled down his window and asked what was wrong. i told him i was going home because my head hurt and i didn't feel well. he offered to give me a ride. my friends have apologized so much for letting me get in that vehicle but they said up until that point i had not acted any different than usually and this guy who had given us a ride had been the perfect gentleman. they texted me 20 minutes later to ask if i had made it home safely and i replied with a yes but i was going to bed. i don't know what happened after that. the police are on it and as i don't remember anything they are going by me being drugged and dna. i do not much and i feel far to attacked here to share what i learn or do know. my husband is behind me 100% and has been the wonderful man i love so much. i am seeing a therapist today and i know it will be a hard journey ahead. my husband told me that even without being drugged he would not have been angry at me. he told me this before we got my test results. he knows me well enough to know this behavior was so far from who i am and he could tell that i was not lying about anything. the thing is and as this is a forum for people who have cheated or been cheated on and should know that is hindsight is 20/20. and you can reduce your chance of something bad happening to you but if it does it isn't always your fault. bad things happen even when you don't make any mistakes. if i hadn't been drugged and told this story with a better ending very few people in the real world would hardly have blinked an eye at it. that is what i have to remind myself in order to heal. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGypsy Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm really glad you have a good, strong , supportive husband who knows you well enough to know you were taken advantage of. It was obvious to me from your first post that you had not cheated on your husband. It saddens me that there are people in this world that take advantage of others in this Way. We here on this forum can play armchair quarterback all we want, bottom line.. Not your fault. You were a victim. I'm glad you came back to let us know what happened. Again, I'm truly sorry for what has happened to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 (edited) Did the toxicology screen show what drug he used? They did say that you were drugged right? I don't know, something seems a little....off on this story and I can't put my finger on it. Edited June 10, 2014 by Chi townD 2 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 Good that your H is supporting you. Have him go with you next time. Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 Did the toxicology screen show what drug he used? They did say that you were drugged right? I don't know, something seems a little....off on this story and I can't put my finger on it. She said shewas drugged. It isn't a rape victim's job to prove it to strangers. I am appalled. OP, I am so sorry. I would like to think this would teach people to have more compassion....but I am not holding my breath. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
atreides Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 Very sorry, I know the road to recovery will be long and hard. All the best Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 I am glad you are married to a man of character and compassion. Lean on each other. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
thummper Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 Lots of luck for your future. I am soooo sorry that this happened to you. You and your H seem to be handling it the way a committed married couple should. God bless you and stay positive. YOU didn't do anything wrong. I'm always amazed at the number of POS that share the same gender with me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 I am really proud of you for taking action to find out what happened and I hope the police press charges against him. I'm hoping it keeps him from finding more victims in the future. You may have saved others from hurt and pain. I'm sorry this has happened and I hope you and your husband can heal from this trauma. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 She said shewas drugged. It isn't a rape victim's job to prove it to strangers. I am appalled. OP, I am so sorry. I would like to think this would teach people to have more compassion....but I am not holding my breath. I'm appalled to think that I have to stay away from any woman for fear I might be accused of rape if she has a glass of wine as you elucidate towards. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 I'm appalled to think that I have to stay away from any woman for fear I might be accused of rape if she has a glass of wine as you elucidate towards. Chi - this really isn't about you. The date rape drug is very real and happens more frequently than you would think. She was smart to get toxicology tests done. I hope they find the perpetrator. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 I'm appalled to think that I have to stay away from any woman for fear I might be accused of rape if she has a glass of wine as you elucidate towards. She stated clearly that tests showed she had been drugged. End of story. The wine remark is a strawman. "Something in this story sounds off" along with expecting a stranger to prove she was raped by naming the chemical makes your position clear. Just because you are a hammer doesn't mean everyone is a nail. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Trustnoone Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 How could I I am so sorry this has happened to you. This happens every week where I work. It is disgusting that people can do this to others. It is also disgusting that people blame the victim for almost anything. She was looking for it, look how she's dressed. All that is crap to me. You are a human being who was wronged in such a terrible way. What you have to endure at the hospital is also traumatic. There is no way to complete that kit without further embarrassment. I hope you prosecute this scum, this will be a very hurtful process also. You will be subjected to questioning designed to attack you. It is very good to hear your husband has stood by you. A real man will stand by and support you during this most difficult time. You will need him. He will need a good friend to lean in also as he watches the horrors you go through. Obviously warn your friends to always stay together as much as possible. I insist if my wife goes out that she call and not text. This gives a person a chance to hear your voice and they may notice something is wrong. If you can't answer then they know something is wrong. I'm assuming your attacker sent the text that said you were home and going to bed. So sorry this has happened to you. Stay strong and good luck. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 (edited) This is just blame shifting on the gender. This is a completely unacceptable discourse. Er, no it's not. Why is a married woman off at some dudes house getting wasted, having shots, etc.? That's not blame shifting. That's..wondering why a married woman is behaving in a way that befits a single one. Has zero to do with gender really. If a married man was doing this it would make just as little sense. Though there is still a major difference between blame shifting and merely questioning behavior. You havent even read the OP properly to know the night didnt END AT SOME DUDE'S HOUSE. I wasn't trying to imply her night literally ended there, rather she went out for a girls night out and ended up stopping at a dudes house for shots. How is that a girls night out, when you wind up at your friends boyfriends house getting wasted? But alas, that isn't the point here. Now, the OP replied and has said she was indeed drugged, which is fine. Well, not fine obviously, but it shows there wasn't cheating. Edited June 10, 2014 by Spectre Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 Chi - this really isn't about you. The date rape drug is very real and happens more frequently than you would think. She was smart to get toxicology tests done. I hope they find the perpetrator. But, that's the thing! We don't know what happened after she got into that car! And neither does she apparently! Someone could have slipped her the mickey at the party, but she left with a headache before the aggressor could put the moves on her or taken advantage of her before the drugs took affect. She may have gotten into the car with this other guy and SHE might have been the aggressor towards him under the influence of drugs and alcohol! Chances are he might have had a couple of drinks onboard himself. So, IF she was aggressive towards him, couldn't that be viewed as HIM being the one raped? So, in essence, this guy could have participated with what he thought is consensual sex and ends up going to prison for it. Or is this scenario implausible. Now, I will agree with you. Date rape drugs do happen. And I'm disgusted by even the thought of it. BUT, I hope that you would be even as opened minded that there are some men that are wrongly accused of raping someone by some women trying to save there current relationships. Case in point, 2007, woman in San Antonio,TX. Man comes home early from a card game and caught his wife with another man on top of her. She cried rape and her husband grabs his gun and shoots the guy dead. Turns out that she wasn't being rape. She was having an affair and she invited her lover to the home. Now, not the same scenario that's happening here. But, honestly, the police are going to have to look into this one. Link to post Share on other sites
excusememister Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 We don't know what happened after she got into that car! . But we do know what happened before she got into the car: my friends have apologized so much for letting me get in that vehicle but they said up until that point i had not acted any different than usually and this guy who had given us a ride had been the perfect gentlemen. Maybe this creep slipped something to OP after she got into the car?? Also sounds like he sent the text to her girlfriends. they texted me 20 minutes later to ask if i had made it home safely and i replied with a yes but i was going to bed. Hopefully they'l catch the perp. OP, I hope all goes well for you 1 Link to post Share on other sites
velvette Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 How Could I I'm sorry this happened to you. I hope you will ignore all the ignorant people blaming you for a crime that only the criminal rapist is to blame for. Good for you for going to the hospital and police. I hope that if you can you will be as public as you can among your friends regarding what has happened. Its highly unlikely this is the first time this man has raped someone. Odds are good there are women out there that have similar experiences with him that were either too confused or not strong enough to come forward as you did. I also hope you will find a counselor experienced in dealing with the aftermath of rape to help you through this difficult time. Take care. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
juicygirl Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 (edited) OP, soo sad and sorry this happened to you. You are very blessed to have a husband who is standing by you and supporting you through this horrific time. I hope they find this man and he is jailed before he can do this again. I'm sorry that some people here are trying to justify this rape by blaming the victim. Even if she is married is she not allow to go out with her friends? She had her husband's consent.She stated she have a few drinks, she didn't say she got wasted and even if she did that still doesn't excuse what happened. OP said she had a headache and was going home, she'd hardly go from having a headache to once the car doors were closed becoming an instant sex fiend jumping on the driver. She doesn't have to go through all the details with random stranger on the internet. She's been humiliated enough, having to go to her husband and friends,having to tell the story over and over again to hospital staff and police ,not to mention invasive examinations and testing. OP don't listen to the negative comments. Please take care xoxo Edited June 10, 2014 by juicygirl Editing 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted June 10, 2014 Share Posted June 10, 2014 Who the hell said I'm blaming her! Okay, whatever...We'll just go with the ethos that all men are guilty until proven innocent. Usually how it works in court anyway. But, can someone answer me this? Why would a true rapist bring their victims to their home where the could easily be identified instead of a seedy rent by the hour motel and left her there after he was done? Look, OP I'm sorry this happened to you. I hope you find closure and support, but I have to bow out before I'm accused of advocating to the rights of rapists (hell, I already have been! guilty until innocent) instead of a guy with questions. Take care. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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