biddybud Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 Hi guys, I've been reading so many posts from all these lovely people putting so much helpful information on LS. I felt the need to write about my own story, which is pretty much, girl (28) goes to party, meets amazing guy, (32), (a year today no less), begin dating, fall in love, decide to move in (yes this be extremely quickly, however it was the right thing for the time), share a great few months together, introduced to his family, introduced to mine, discuss marriage and future, boy then comes under a lot of pressure at work because of a promotion withdraws hugely. I'll stop speaking in girl/guy format. So In the beginning of April my (now ex) Bf is under a huge amount of stress at work, stops speaking about work with me. I asked what I could do to support him at this time, to which he replies "we're in trouble", this came as a shock as I genuinely believed that work was his stressor, not the relationship, however he requested that I "give him space", I did this on 3 occasions, from a 3 days to a week. Unfortunately I had to come back, due to studying for a Masters degree so needed to be at the flat we shared at times. After 3 weeks of him withdrawing and becoming awful to live with, i.e. not talking to me, treating me with contempt, I had the conversation with him, asking what it was that he needed and how I could support him further. He stated "I need to reclaim this flat as my own" and said he wanted me to move out. He then stated that he needs "time and space" (which made me giggle just a tad because it reminded me of Dr, Who). I asked if there was anything further I could do to support him, or if he could think of anything which would help, to which he replied no. I left two days after, packing up my things. Due to not having anywhere to stay in the city we were based in, I had to move 3 hours away to stay with my parents I was still unsure if this was a break or break up. He only got in contact asking when I would be moving the rest of my "stuff" out of the flat. After a week of trying to not contact him, I caved and rang to ask what was going on and if this was a break up. After 40 minutes he said that we "are on a break, but with no contact", I asked how long he needed and gave the time frame of September as I understand his work commitments will be ongoing and stressful for sometime. He agreed to this. That night he text, however only wished to discuss things of a sexual nature. I tried to shut this down, however caved on a few occasions. Which I regret as I feel used and am old enough to know better. Cutting to the end, for a month he maintained that this was a break not a breakup. I saw him about a week and a half ago to grab some stuff form the flat I needed for an assignment, however he insisted upon being there. We spoke and cuddled and I cried. Reflecting back he did not show any remorse or even empathy for what had occurred during April and May. The next day however emailed me saying that it was a break up and I "shouldn't wait" for him. He no longer wanted a relationship and wanted to be alone. I asked if there was anyone else involved, which he denied. I think I believe him in this case. The whole of May felt like a roller coaster..... now i just feel heartbroken and so very confused as at no point did he discuss why he needed space or why this was happening. Whenever the subject was broached he replied "I don't know why I'm doing this, but I know I have too". He did admit however that he was extremely stressed at work and that colleagues had become concerned over him. I picked up the rest of my stuff on Tuesday however a friend was able to help me take this and pack it up with me, She contacted him requesting that he left a key so the removal could be done while he was at work and requested that he did not contact me, especially due to trying to finish my dissertation. He agreed to this. That was probably the hardest day, going into our old home and taking my final pieces of furniture and other items away. I noted that all evidence of our relationship had disappeared, i.e. photo's of days out and pictures on a digital photo holder removed. It was difficult to see that I could be that forgettable. Sidenote- During this I had two important assignments for my degree and was trying to finish my dissertation also, dissertation is still ongoing. I have stayed in no contact for 9 days, feel quite proud of that. The relationship was the best I have been in, I have had 3 serious relationships previously. I am very confused as to why somebody would became so detached and actually quite cruel towards someone that they had previously loved. No cheating was involved, no lies were told, I was open and honest at all times. It feels like he has changed into another person, one whom I don't recognize. I feel like a complete mug as I'm drowning in grief over this and by all accounts this is not phasing him, it appears as if I meant nothing to him. Which is the most hurtful thing of all. So I guess I'm just wondering if anybody has experienced an invasion of the body snatchers type situation? And have they ever received an apology for being treated so cruelly? Sorry for the length of this, couldn't seem to stop typing! 1
seminoles84 Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 Likely another person involved..sucks but almost always seems to be the case.
Author biddybud Posted June 7, 2014 Author Posted June 7, 2014 I went through a week of torture about that, if there is another person involved, I wish that he would just Man up and tell me. I'd have a lot more respect if I could get an honest answer.... UGH 3
smuggy95 Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 Contempt is the final of the 4 horsemen of a breakup. If someone shows you contempt, and you've done nothing wrong, it's because they are reflecting their own guilt/self-hatred on to you. I think he most likely has met someone else... 4
Author biddybud Posted June 7, 2014 Author Posted June 7, 2014 guessing there is absolutely NO point in asking if there is someone else involved again right..... just push me back to the start right? He was emphatic in his response when I questioned that, hence why I believed him.
umirano Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 The work excuse sounds extremely lame to me. I don't buy it. Why is the GF, or her being around the problem, when he took on a professional challenge that is too much to handle? Maybe he realized he put too much on his spoon and is now ashamed to admit that, is ashamed in front of you, in your life probably everything went smoothly at the same time. Decides can't stand seeing your face around anymore (bc of the internal guilt and shame) and successfully gets you to move away. Then, I guess it's possible, he meets someone else, I'm not sure about this one, but it's not completely unthinkable. Good luck... 1
Elle1975 Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 (edited) Work.. the oldest excuse in the world. If you feel he did a 180 on you, there's probably someone else indeed. However, don't dwell on it. And don't ask him again, as it's over. He wouldn't volunteer the information anyway, and you'd come up as the psychotic ex. NC is the nest option, indeed, smart thing to do. Oh, and to answer your question, I did get an apology once, almost 10 years later. He also called himself a friend in his message. I accepted the apology, and went on saying I had no interest in being friends. Edited June 7, 2014 by Elle1975 5
somecamel Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 Hate to say it but I'll go with the general consensus, there's someone else. It sucks and isn't fair but there is nothing you can do about it, just make sure you don't end up being the doormat when he comes crawling back after it's gone sour. 1
Author biddybud Posted June 7, 2014 Author Posted June 7, 2014 moving forward is very difficult. I understand that I should be angry with him, which would be a brilliant emotion to power through the dissertation, but just an overwhelming feeling of sadness and loss is consuming me. And now, with the likelihood of there being someone else, just feeling very unworthy and actually pretty useless. I hate breakups
stillafool Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 Yes there's someone else he wanted to get to know. I don't care how busy a man is he will always want to take time to have sex. He tried to spare your feelings by lying and saying "it's work". Wish I had a dollar for everytime someone uses that lame excuse. Hopefully soon you will get to the anger stage to help you move on from him. Don't contact him anymore. 2
Elle1975 Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 moving forward is very difficult. I understand that I should be angry with him, which would be a brilliant emotion to power through the dissertation, but just an overwhelming feeling of sadness and loss is consuming me. And now, with the likelihood of there being someone else, just feeling very unworthy and actually pretty useless. I hate breakups You'll be angry. Don't you worry about that. Mmh I like anger, it's such great fueling energy. Not revenge though. Let's leave that one under the tree. 2
Author biddybud Posted June 8, 2014 Author Posted June 8, 2014 Mornings are hard, hits again. Feel heartbroken all over again, can't help but think does he even realize what he's done? why has he done this? is he feeling any remorse? does he miss me? Will today be the day that he begs for me back? You know all those healthy type of things But onwards and upwards (perhaps feeling more sideways at times!)
CarrieT Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 can't help but think does he even realize what he's done? Probably not - otherwise he would be honest with you about why he's done it. why has he done this? Does it matter? He has done it with such callous disregard for your feelings as to make it easier for you to be able to move on. Why would you want a life with someone who is so rude and uncaring as to cast you away like that? is he feeling any remorse? Maybe. But what does that remorse do for you now that you are alone? Will today be the day that he begs for me back? Let's hope he does not. As asked before - why would you want to build a future with a man who could cause you so much pain? Find a future with someone who will exalt you, nurture you, and care for you. This person is so self-centered as to cast away someone who cares for him with no explanation. Go through the five stages of grief: 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance You will be going through these various stages at different times. If he does initiate contact, you might find yourself in a stance of Bargaining. That would be bad. Get through and maintain the Anger so that you can get to Acceptance. 3
Author biddybud Posted June 9, 2014 Author Posted June 9, 2014 Thank you for all your replys, it's much appreciated. Carrie T, I totally get what you are saying and on some level I know, whether it be deep down, that it am worth so much more... Just wish I could switch the feelings off, like he has done. I'm kinda not allowed to work through all the emotions just yet, as I have this bloody dissertation to do, it's not working as the distraction I hoped, but I'm managing it. Hand in date next Monday so I have a deadline to work towards, then I can fall apart! I guess getting an apology for this is what I want more than anything and to learn if I made mistakes so I can work on these and improve myself for when I meet someone new, months and months from now! Or for him to grovel for me so I have the satisfaction of saying no to him, as cruel as that sounds- would do my ego some good instead of feeling like rubbish he has just thrown out without a care, showing that the relationship meant nothing. Aghhhh.
Zahara Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 I guess getting an apology for this is what I want more than anything and to learn if I made mistakes so I can work on these and improve myself for when I meet someone new, months and months from now! Or for him to grovel for me so I have the satisfaction of saying no to him, as cruel as that sounds- would do my ego some good instead of feeling like rubbish he has just thrown out without a care, showing that the relationship meant nothing. The most common thing dumpees do is to blame themselves. Most likely there was nothing you did wrong. And why would you expect an apology from someone that saw no wrong in treating you unkindly, saw no wrong in dragging you along for more than a month, saw no wrong in having no consideration for your feelings -- because someone that had empathy and care for you would have let you go rather than use you to help them transition to the final decision to break-up. If there is one thing you need to do is rid yourself of that expectation. Throwing away the relationship isn't a reflection on you. It doesn't devalue or diminish your worth. You are still who you are. No one can make you feel like rubbish, unless you believe it to be true. The only one that's lacking substance, and is the rubbish in this is your ex. 5
Author biddybud Posted June 12, 2014 Author Posted June 12, 2014 Still maintaining no contact.... hurrah! Not feeling tons better, but getting there slowly, which is also good. Today one of our mutual friends got in contact in regards to her birthday and a big get together she's arranging. Bit of background, I met her independently of the Ex Bf, the ex knows her through her fella. Anyways, mutual friend discusses with me how I would feel if the ex was invited, however said that she wishes for me to be there. the mutual friend also stated that she would try and ensure he would not be there, as she would much prefer if I came to celebrate her birthday with her. She felt conflicted as she would be inviting all of his friends and felt obligated to send him an invite, under the premise that at a later point he would be contacted and advised that he would not be welcomed. After taking some time to think about it I decided it would be best if I didn't go, for fear of being hijacked by him being there (in case he just rocked up), plus all his mates will be there and I don't feel it is fair for him to not be invited because of me. I explained this to her and she was very understanding. I know i'm in no way ready to even contemplate seeing him again and understand that this would be a huge set back for me. I'm too important to do that. After the decision was made and I contacted the mutual friend I suddenly realised that i am STILL ensuring that I can look out for him.... I have made sacrifices and continue too and this is so maddening and upsetting when he broke my heart. And He won't ever know this.... sometimes I hate being a good person (ha!) It seems like even though I moved out, gave him space, ended up being heartbroken when he decided I wasn't what he wanted and stupidly fought for him that I'm still being punished..... this sounds like a pity party, but i'm just so annoyed and upset..... Sigh.. End of rant. Thanks :-)
Zahara Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 You aren't being punished. It's emotionally intelligent of you to place these boundaries to protect yourself. I can't tell you how many threads come up about going to an event where the ex is going to be with each and every poster coming up with reasons as to why they should go. Then boo-hooing about the aftermath. Self-preservation is very important at this stage. And you are doing the right thing. It's only a birthday party. You can celebrate and do something special together to commemorate her day! It isn't always going to be the case where you have to sacrifice. A few sacrifices for now that will benefit you in the long run. A year from now, you'll be in such a better place that going to another function where he's going to be at won't even rattle you anymore. And who knows, you might have some delicious eye candy on your arm to even notice his existence! 2
Author biddybud Posted June 12, 2014 Author Posted June 12, 2014 Zahara you are just fabulous... thank you so very much for your posts on here. You are right, it's only a birthday, however yet again I am the person who turns around and says "it's fine, invite him. I don't want an atmosphere ruining anybody's day"... would he contemplate doing that... no bloody way. I have no idea why anybody would want to put themselves of their heart/ emotions/ soul, through the agony of being in surroundings where the person who destroyed them. I shudder just thinking about it. At the risk of sounding like a small child, this is not fair..... ha!
Zahara Posted June 12, 2014 Posted June 12, 2014 Zahara you are just fabulous... thank you so very much for your posts on here. You are right, it's only a birthday, however yet again I am the person who turns around and says "it's fine, invite him. I don't want an atmosphere ruining anybody's day"... would he contemplate doing that... no bloody way. I have no idea why anybody would want to put themselves of their heart/ emotions/ soul, through the agony of being in surroundings where the person who destroyed them. I shudder just thinking about it. At the risk of sounding like a small child, this is not fair..... ha! You are welcome! Yes you are that person that has to step back and refrain from going but that is in no way a negative. Let's turn that into a positive. You're well aware of your limitations, well aware of what you need to do to preserve your healing and keep it going, well aware of taking the right steps to avoid the risk of hurting. Your boundaries are strong. Huge steps towards your focus and determination in your healing and moving on. I'm telling you, not a lot of people on here can do that. This isn't a competition of who wins. It's a journey. Your journey. And you will do what it takes to get to the other side. Let him win a few events, but you know what, there's so much triumph and reward you're going to feel when you are emotionally free from this guy. You'll look back and you won't even remember this little petty win he had. There's a bigger picture! Well, most posters will go because most times they want to prove a point that they're fine, living life, looking great -- when it actual fact they're pertrified and hurting inside. It's a useless point to make at the expense of their emotional wellbeing. Some want to do it to provoke a reaction or cast a reminder of their existence. In the end, it's still focusing on the ex, versus looking inward and doing what's best for themselves -- which is what you are doing. Yes, it isn't fair! But you'll see how worth it all of this is going to be in the long run! 1
Author biddybud Posted June 14, 2014 Author Posted June 14, 2014 I'm not too sure about the forum etiquette, but seeing as this is the same situation, I thought I would just write on here again. Today is hard, I'm having lots of thoughts in regards to the ex.... mostly that I miss him and would like nothing more than to be in his arms. There's not anything that's particularly triggered this, but having to stay in doors and finish my dissertation isn't helping with the whole "distraction" technique. I also am feeling quite low in regards to how I feel about myself. Questioning why wasn't I good enough... I mean for someone to be so awful it shows that there was no love there from his side. Maybe i'm just kidding myself that he felt anything at all. I can't have been good enough for him. Really sucks and hurts like hell. Throwing myself one hell of a pity party right now!
CarrieT Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 Many of us totally know what you are going through - and the hardest part for you to realize is that it was NEVER about not "being good enough," it is about the fact that you were not the right one - and, at some point, you will meet someone that will make you feel special and important. Until that time, you will continue to question your worth and I'm sorry we can't make you realize that you ARE worthy even though he is not the guy for you - because someone worthy of you wouldn't treat you the way he has... 1
Love_Sharer Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 I would say either, he met someone else or he is the guy who is afraid of commitment. Once you guys met each other's family, he probably started to feel the marriage pressure and got scared. If it is meant to be, you guys will work it out. Best of luck, hang in there!
jbelle6 Posted June 15, 2014 Posted June 15, 2014 I know what you are saying biddy. Mornings were hardest for sure, I'm at around 5 1/2 weeks now no contact and feel pretty good though! I too was trying to figure out what I did wrong at first, then I thought back and there were little changes in his behavior that I noticed but ignored, I was genuinely good to him as you were with your ex, but feelings are feelings I guess. I hate to add to the rest but he really does have the classic behavior of meeting someone else. Cheaters get so ANGRY for some reason, alleviates their guilt to blame us I suppose. I wonder if it is someone at his work? I wouldn't ask though, they never tell the truth and he'd probably tell you they got together after your split even if that's a lie. It will get better, promise!
Author biddybud Posted June 15, 2014 Author Posted June 15, 2014 Thank you all for your replies. It seems to be the general consensus that he cheated... Which brings on a whole new batch of self loathing! But you guys are able to see it without bias and ultimately it shouldn't matter why he ended things, because he did. It's coming up to nearly 3 weeks no contact, which I should see as an achievement, however instead I see it as him feeling relieved that I'm not bothering him. I feel like I'm sing back into a black hole at times... I just want him to feel some kind of pain, which will only bring me bad karma back. I don't want to feel like this... Need to get myself together.
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