DontBreakEven Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 I have met someone that I click with, a lot. The first person since my break up 5 months ago. Only problem is, she is 250 miles away. She is from my town, but says she can't ever imagine moving back. I went to visit her and we had an amazing time, but afterwards we both felt upset because how is this going to work? She backed off quite a bit, but I told her that it's not completely out of the question that I could move someday. But of course I would never move unless I'm sure. Not to mention, I have an amazing job where I'm at and make a ton of money with the potential to make a ton more. She works a government job that could be transferred anywhere. I feel like the only way to even get anywhere at all with her is to at least say that I'm not 100% opposed to moving should I fall in love. But I guess I do think it's a little unfair that it would be all on me. I don't know. I really really like this girl but I guess there are some screaming red flags. I just wish something could work out for once. Dating sucks!
Frank2thepoint Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 250 miles is not a very long distance. Since you are employed and financially sound, you can fly to her periodically and enjoy time with her. Eventually one or both of you will have to move if you two want to be together. So at minimum, one person has to make a sacrifice. The relationship is completely doable if both of you agree to invest into it. You should have a serious discussion about this with her. 1
Author DontBreakEven Posted June 6, 2014 Author Posted June 6, 2014 Thanks for the response Frank. Basically what happened is, I talked to her for about 3 weeks and then I drove to see her the first time. I spent 2 days up there with her, and we just had an amazing time. When I got back, I felt like the conversation was different .. less flirtatious; off. So I called her out on it, and she said that she was trying to think about where this would go realistically, and she didn't think either of us would ever move, and she is trying to be smart about it by not getting too many feelings involved and then having to end it at some point because we both wish to stay in our respective cities and careers. That upset me, but I couldn't argue with it (though I did think it was odd that she just jumped to the conclusion that I would NEVER move, and that she has to be so rigid about NEVER moving). So I said fine, and I left her alone for a few days. Then I found out my company was sending me to her city next week for a work conference, so I hit her up and said that I would be there if she would like to hang out at all. She immediately responded and said yes she would and that would be awesome. I was trying to keep it loose, but I finally just said to her, "You never asked me if I'd move". Since then, we've been talking more again, but she's still guarded for sure. Distance is an issue to her. I am unsure if she thought that I would move next week just to date her or what was originally in her fantasyland, but that is not happening. I would only move if she was the love of my life and I couldn't NOT be with her. I asked her if this was worth the pain of distance to at least try and see where it goes, and she said that she doesn't know and can't answer that right now. But she keeps talking to me. I have no idea what's going on, really. I am going to my work conference in 3 days and I have a date with her Monday night so I guess I will see how that goes, but I feel like I'm just setting myself up for disappointment. I really liked this one, too.
ain5053 Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 Long distance relationships are tough and I would not suggest leaving your job and moving for a girl you barely know.... Sounds like a bad idea to me. Don't ask her to move back to your city if she hates it. I am sorry, doesn't sound like it is worth trying.
DArtagnan2 Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 putting the cart before the horse can be a tireless waste of time. You've had one date and known each other 3 weeks. While I get the talk about distance, I don't get the talk about living together or making any drastic changes to one's life at this point. I would put all talk about the future, until you and she can see a future between you two. There is so much more to get to know and only time in and time together will get that for you. So to talk about something that isn't even in the picture, will only make sure, the future wont happen between you two. 1
Author DontBreakEven Posted June 7, 2014 Author Posted June 7, 2014 putting the cart before the horse can be a tireless waste of time. You've had one date and known each other 3 weeks. While I get the talk about distance, I don't get the talk about living together or making any drastic changes to one's life at this point. I would put all talk about the future, until you and she can see a future between you two. There is so much more to get to know and only time in and time together will get that for you. So to talk about something that isn't even in the picture, will only make sure, the future wont happen between you two. Okay, I agree on this. The weird part is that I think we both feel that while getting to know each other, it's inevitable that we are going to gain deep feelings. It was pretty apparent just after one date. It was that intense. That's basically why we brought it up, because she almost felt like it'd be better to cut it off now before it gets to the point of having to make a decision, and then most likely having to end it then. It f*cking sucks. Gonna see her Monday night, and it's gonna be hard not to wish the night would never end.
Author DontBreakEven Posted June 8, 2014 Author Posted June 8, 2014 By the way, it should be stated that we are both women. Hence the proverbial U-Haul on the 2nd date. This isn't your "typical" dating situation.
Frank2thepoint Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 Then I found out my company was sending me to her city next week for a work conference, so I hit her up and said that I would be there if she would like to hang out at all. She immediately responded and said yes she would and that would be awesome. I was trying to keep it loose, but I finally just said to her, "You never asked me if I'd move". Since then, we've been talking more again, but she's still guarded for sure. Distance is an issue to her. I am unsure if she thought that I would move next week just to date her or what was originally in her fantasyland, but that is not happening. I would only move if she was the love of my life and I couldn't NOT be with her. I asked her if this was worth the pain of distance to at least try and see where it goes, and she said that she doesn't know and can't answer that right now. But she keeps talking to me. Both of you are correct. She is right to be realistic and have her guard up about the distance. You are right to want to give it a try. My advice is if you are willing to try and really like her, then just date her and get to know her. Keep the channels of communication open, and chat with her how ever you guys can (text, phone, or Skype). Also I'm not saying this needs to be one way all the time, meaning only you travel to her. You may have to visit her a few times to let her guard down so she can let you into her life. If she is still guarded after a month or two. Then cut your losses.
todreaminblue Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 If a relationship is meant to be no matter the obstacles they will be vercome, i think that nothing is impossible when you love someone, distance time, quality versus quantity mode.....if you add money and want of to the equation that's an obstacle and one that shouldnt take precedence over true happiness, that though can be overcome through honesty and plans on what you both want, give it time, when distance is the first step. Doesn't matter the book that is open or the chapters being read or understood as long as those chapters are always on the same page in the same book with the same plan,then, the same strategy to overcome...deb
preraph Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 You're getting way ahead of yourself. You've only seen her two days! Three weeks of talking isn't anything. I'm glad you did go see her in person at least though. Once you get to know her, you may fully understand why she doesn't want to move back to your town. Maybe she has terrible parents or is just bored s**tless there. If it's terrible parents, you'll soon wish you were far away from them! If she's bored there, well, she has a right to get out and expand her world. It's nice you both have good jobs. Maybe you can agree on a third location within commuting distance to the hometown she doesn't want to go back to or something. Or maybe not. Just relax awhile, get to know her. Don't move so fast and dwell on this yet. Have fun.
Author DontBreakEven Posted June 11, 2014 Author Posted June 11, 2014 I took no one's advice. I went with my gut. Having fun wasn't the initial point when we were talking. It shifted to having fun, by her. She took the 2nd meeting to be a booty call. That wasn't my intention. We had a great dinner and 2nd date, and then it was either have sex or talk. I chose the latter. I discussed things with her. I'm glad I did. She basically told me the reason she doesn't want to do distance is that it's not worth it to her. She doesn't crave a connection in her life, she wants someone close because she's more just looking for a companion/lover that can some over and watch TV. She thinks women are way too emotional and that's just not her. She says I need the connection and she could take or leave it. I then had another choice - still sleep with her, or say that's unacceptable for me. I chose the latter. Told her it's unfortunate because we have so much in common, but her lack of need for emotion and connection is a deal breaker. She said, "with that being said, I'll let you go to sleep". And she left me by myself at midnight in a hotel in her town. Haven't heard from her since. 24 hours ago. Don't expect to. I'm glad I didn't drag this out and just go with it. I knew something was wrong.
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