confusedandscared33 Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 I’m not even sure where to being. I’ve been dating my bf for 4 years now. There have been some major ups and downs. He has anger issues and can be verbally abusive. He also has issues with alcohol. When he starts drinking he doesn’t want to stop and he can be pretty mean and destructive sometimes while drunk. He has physically cheated on me in the past (almost 3 years ago) and he has also sent inappropriate messages to girls on facebook asking for pictures and whatnot. He doesn’t view this last thing as cheating and he compares it to porn. I’m no angel either. Due to a lot of our past I have pretty low self-esteem and I can become quite distant from him at times. This past week we have been in this limbo hell of “are we together or are we not?” I know any normal, sane person would have left him years ago, but I do love him. A lot. I don’t think I’m codependent as I’m quite an independent person, but for some reason I love this man. I hate the way I feel in the relationship sometimes. I often feel anxious, worried, and not good enough. As I’m writing this I’m starting to feel very silly even considering staying in this relationship. He wants us to stay together and told me that he wants to change. He wants to work on his anger and that he will never message another female, etc. He isn’t going to give up drinking though or go to counseling of any sort. He tells me I’m his soulmate, that he wants me forever, and plans on marrying me. He has been amazing these past few days, but I don’t know how long it will last. I’m worried that without any sort of counseling he will just go back into his old ways. I’m also really not convinced that there won’t ever be another issue involving messaging girls. He can be really sweet sometimes and he can also be extremely loving. My head has been a complete mess this past week in trying to figure out what to do. I was thinking of just taking a little space, but he told me if he moves out (we live together) that he won’t be back. It’s a trust thing according to him. Which is another BIG issue in our relationship. I’ve never cheated on him, but he does not trust me at all and accuses me of doing things a lot. I can’t even go out to lunch with a friend without being accused of cheating. I’m not sure how to go about any of this. We live together and he won’t be able to afford the house on his own. I could though. Him finding another place will be difficult finically. He has a 7 year old son part of the week and I’m also very attached to him. I wouldn’t want to just kick my bf out because I also need to think about this son. I’m sorry this is so long. I’m just looking for any kind of advice I can get as my head is so jumbled. I would be crazy to stay with him, right? Thanks for any help!
CarrieT Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 Have you ever been to an Al-Anon meeting? Being co-dependent does not mean you aren't independent in your own way. But you have all the classic signs (as I did when I lived with my alcoholic) of enabling him. By that I mean you have forgiven him for all his indiscretions and abuses. THAT is part of being co-dependent. Read THESE SIGNS of being a co-dependent. Do any of them sound familiar in your relationship? The bottom line is that your guy has to want to give up the alcohol FOR HIM. Not for you. And if he is not willing to go to meetings or counseling, it is unlikely he can do it on his own. You can't be the rock in the relationship and you can't be willing to stay for his son.
Author confusedandscared33 Posted June 6, 2014 Author Posted June 6, 2014 Thank you for including that link. I've never really been sure if he is an alcoholic since he doesn't drink every night. He can go without drinking sometimes for 3 days and I guess I've always just assumed alcoholics drank every day. I definitely can relate to some of those traits in that link. I'm going to look into counseling for myself. I'm still so worried that if I leave him I will be walking away from the love of my life.
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