Boyfriend is going abroad soon... we are both so scared it will fall apart...

[lamaga]

So, I have been with my boyfriend for 6 months now. WE are very much in love. For both of us this is the first relationship where we are TRULY happy. We care for each other, respect each other and are crazy about each other.

 

But the next 8 months are going to be really hard. In 5 days he is leaving to go home. We both study abroad and summer break is here. His hometown is six hours away, and I am staying here to work. In one month I will visit him for 2 weeks. We are both looking forward to it, it is the first time we will be together in a different place than the city we live in. After that I will visit my parents and then see him again for one week in August.

 

On September 1st he is leaving: For 5 total months to study in Asia, on the other side of the world. I am so darn scared, you guys. I love this man to pieces and he loves me and we both tried to talk about this but it is really difficult.

Firstly, he isn't one to talk much about his feelings, so when he says something he really means it and says it with all of his conviction. It took him 5 months to tell me he loved me. And when we had the talk about... if we should go LDR, he was being realistic as usual and told me about his fears: That I will be needing a lot of reassurance and since he knows it is easier for him to give it with physical affection, he is scared I will be not satisfied and that I might cheat on him, looking for it somewhere else. Now we both are quite confident in the relationship, knowing the other person would never cheat, so I was really shocked when he said that. He also said that he is scared we will both be jealous, seeing what the other does on Facebook, me seeing pictures of him partying etc. He is a bit more independent than me in general, at least he acts like it, and I must admit I am not too worried that he will cheat, for some reason: I know he is faithful in character and conviction. But of course I get jealous too....

 

He said he wants me, and wants to be with me, but has never done long distance, and is not sure how it is done and how we could make up rules to make it work for the 5 months. He says he doesn't want to lose me and has no clue what to do.

 

He then had the idea that we will see how this next month goes with him being away. Then I visit and we will see how that goes. And if everything goes as wonderfully as we want and expect, he wants to try long distance.

 

At first he was reluctant to leave his things with me (he is giving up his apartment for the time being and I offered he can leave his things with me). Yesterday he brought all of his boxes over with a big smile. The past few days he has been more affectionate, also with words, and he's been sleeping over every day for a week now.. I know he wants this as much as I do, but I think we do have the same fears.

 

12 hour time difference is really difficult, and I have done long distance once in the past, where we called every day and it was really unhealthy.

So, how does one do this?

How does one stay together for 5 months when on the other side of the world?

We will both be busy with our studies, we are both pretty nerdy and studious and always concentrating on our careers, so there will be enough distraction, but at the same time of course we want to keep the relationship alive, so how does one go about it?

We are both so scared that we won't make it, that halfway through we will fall apart and hate each other and resent each other... nobody wants to break up over Skype, I mean, that would be awful.

 

 

Can you guys share your wisdoms, your tips? How can we stay healthy when so far apart?

[Snakechammah]

5 months is nothing! Time will fly.

 

Trust is so important in a LDR. Yes, easier said than done, but given it's only 5 months, I'm sure you'll breeze through it. Some goes for years and years till they close the distance.

 

It all boils down to integrity and how committed you both are. Communication in a LDR is so important. Make sure you guys talk/text/write/whatsapp everyday and update each other on what is going on in your other half of the world.

 

With patience, honesty and respect, you can do it!

[Frank2thepoint]

How does one stay together for 5 months when on the other side of the world?

We will both be busy with our studies, we are both pretty nerdy and studious and always concentrating on our careers, so there will be enough distraction, but at the same time of course we want to keep the relationship alive, so how does one go about it?

 

Emphasis mine. With that alone the five months will fly by.

 

 

Can you guys share your wisdoms, your tips? How can we stay healthy when so far apart?

 

First off, you haven't said much about what you fear, only what he fears. You're giving us his side of the story, but how do you feel about the situation?

 

Second, he mentioned about both of you getting jealous, seeing what the other does on Facebook (again, you mentioned what he feels, you have not provided any input about this). Since he recognizes this, then maybe both of you can scale back or take a break from Facebook for the five months to allay any instances of jealousy.

 

Third, work out a plan to communicate with each other. You said he has a hard time expressing his feelings. This obviously is not good. But then again, you haven't directly said how you feel about this, so I'm not sure if you are comfortable or uncomfortable about it. Skype is indispensable in staying in contact with each other, seeing each other's faces and hearing each other's voice. So make time to connect through Skype. Then there are the daily affirmations to let each of you know you are thinking of the other. Quick small emails are very good with this. Again, I would refrain from Facebook, but if you guys were to use it just communicate with each other, then go for it.

 

Fourth, I don't know if it is possible for either of you, but visit each other during the five months, at least once. Even it is for just a week, seeing each other in person helps a lot to get through the five months apart.

[lamaga]

Emphasis mine. With that alone the five months will fly by.

 

First off, you haven't said much about what you fear, only what he fears. You're giving us his side of the story, but how do you feel about the situation?

 

Second, he mentioned about both of you getting jealous, seeing what the other does on Facebook (again, you mentioned what he feels, you have not provided any input about this). Since he recognizes this, then maybe both of you can scale back or take a break from Facebook for the five months to allay any instances of jealousy.

 

Third, work out a plan to communicate with each other. You said he has a hard time expressing his feelings. This obviously is not good. But then again, you haven't directly said how you feel about this, so I'm not sure if you are comfortable or uncomfortable about it. Skype is indispensable in staying in contact with each other, seeing each other's faces and hearing each other's voice. So make time to connect through Skype. Then there are the daily affirmations to let each of you know you are thinking of the other. Quick small emails are very good with this. Again, I would refrain from Facebook, but if you guys were to use it just communicate with each other, then go for it.

 

Fourth, I don't know if it is possible for either of you, but visit each other during the five months, at least once. Even it is for just a week, seeing each other in person helps a lot to get through the five months apart.

 

 

I must say I am very very scared, but more of him not being able to make it, rather than me not being able to make it. I have such strong feelings for him and such strong beliefs that I know I will not do anything to harm our relationship while he is away. Of course if it were for me I would want to hear from him everyday. But I know that won't be possible. The first 4 months he is studying, he is doing a semester abroad and at the same time taking a language course and wanting to have a social life. Because of the 12 hour time difference, I think it will be quite difficult to talk every day. I think we will maybe be able to talk over Skype once a week. That's what we sort of agreed upon as of now.

The last month of his trip he will be traveling and have no internet at all, since he will go through jungle etc. So it will be very difficult to stay in touch then. I am just extremely scared that we won't get to talk enough. That's my biggest fear. I think for him it is easier since he is the one gone, in a new environment with new people and fun new challenges, while I am just here in the place that I only know WITH HIM, but now I am alone, and I have not so many friends here and his old apartment is right next door and I have to walk by it every day, looking into his window where someone else will be living then.

It just drives me insane.

And really, we will only see each other 3 total weeks in the next three months... so really, 8 months apart in total, with maybe seeing each other twice.

 

I don't think I can afford to visit him once he goes to Asia. Tickets are about 800 Euros and I don't have that kind of money, I am only a student.

[Grumpybutfun]

For someone who was out to sea for four, six and eight months on patrol on a submarine where we only got to exchange family grams, I can tell you this can be done. Sit down and talk about what he needs to do while gone to make you feel secure. I bought a ton of cards and preordered flowers ever other week for her, to let her know that I still believed in us even though I wasnt there all the time. When we finally got email aboard, I wrote everyday, regardless if I had anything new to say, I just told her what I did and how I felt about her. It wasn't easy, but we made it work out and because of her calmness and support, I knew I had chosen wisely to commit to this woman.

 

Jealousy wasn't even an option because worry for tomorrow only robs today of its joy. I had to be confident that my wife, who is unbelievably gorgeous and friendly would be faithful. I had to have some faith, and she proved to me that the character I thought she had was correct. Neither of us cheated in over fifteen years of sea duty. When I got into ports, I only thought about hearing her voice, not cheating.

 

If you believe he is trustworthy and has integrity, then you have to release your worries, and be the most supportive and loving gf he has ever had with no drama. This is an opportunity for him and since you love him, supporting him and making things easy and as peaceful as possible will go way further in cementing a future relationship than releasing your doubts and fears, thereby making you an insecure wreck, drama queen, etc.

 

It is in your hands. The choice is yours. You can control your fears and doubts. You have a nice bf from what you have written in the past, so put some faith in him. Don't let the cheating insecurities or your low self esteem wreck your relationship with this guy. While he is gone, work on some projects, join a new hobby group, take up a new sport, or reconnect with family and friends. Make this a positive experience and he will be impressed and feel safe with you as a long term partner. Get jealous, whiny and controlling and you will show him that you aren't stable or secure enough for a long term commitment.

 

If you need to vent or rant, do it here, not to him. Yes, you will be anxious and you will have doubts and feel lonely and insecure, but you can control those things if you have faith in him and you two as a couple. Put your energy into letting him know he is loved, valued and missed, not into drama and your own insecurities. Passionate love notes and declarations of amore will go far in making him feel connected to you. You can make this a very positive experience for both of you if you put your mind and focus in that instead of worry. Read up on acceptance and being present in Buddhism too as that helped my wife a lot.

Good luck, lamaga, you can do this,

Grumps

Edited June 7, 2014 by Grumpybutfun

[Smilecharmer]

People do LDRs all the time because life is complicated. Just make sure you talk about needs beforehand. Be patient and understanding.

[Els]

5 months is not much at all, and yes, as the others have said, it will fly.

 

But... it does concern me that he is so afraid of you cheating. LDRs are challenging enough in themselves when both parties are in the same boat and trust in each other. But if he is so scared of you cheating just because he isn't physically with you... this might cause huge issues down the road.

 

My suggestion: Try and work out the trust/jealousy issues before he leaves.

[lamaga]

For someone who was out to sea for four, six and eight months on patrol on a submarine where we only got to exchange family grams, I can tell you this can be done. Sit down and talk about what he needs to do while gone to make you feel secure. I bought a ton of cards and preordered flowers ever other week for her, to let her know that I still believed in us even though I wasnt there all the time. When we finally got email aboard, I wrote everyday, regardless if I had anything new to say, I just told her what I did and how I felt about her. It wasn't easy, but we made it work out and because of her calmness and support, I knew I had chosen wisely to commit to this woman.

 

Jealousy wasn't even an option because worry for tomorrow only robs today of its joy. I had to be confident that my wife, who is unbelievably gorgeous and friendly would be faithful. I had to have some faith, and she proved to me that the character I thought she had was correct. Neither of us cheated in over fifteen years of sea duty. When I got into ports, I only thought about hearing her voice, not cheating.

 

If you believe he is trustworthy and has integrity, then you have to release your worries, and be the most supportive and loving gf he has ever had with no drama. This is an opportunity for him and since you love him, supporting him and making things easy and as peaceful as possible will go way further in cementing a future relationship than releasing your doubts and fears, thereby making you an insecure wreck, drama queen, etc.

 

It is in your hands. The choice is yours. You can control your fears and doubts. You have a nice bf from what you have written in the past, so put some faith in him. Don't let the cheating insecurities or your low self esteem wreck your relationship with this guy. While he is gone, work on some projects, join a new hobby group, take up a new sport, or reconnect with family and friends. Make this a positive experience and he will be impressed and feel safe with you as a long term partner. Get jealous, whiny and controlling and you will show him that you aren't stable or secure enough for a long term commitment.

 

If you need to vent or rant, do it here, not to him. Yes, you will be anxious and you will have doubts and feel lonely and insecure, but you can control those things if you have faith in him and you two as a couple. Put your energy into letting him know he is loved, valued and missed, not into drama and your own insecurities. Passionate love notes and declarations of amore will go far in making him feel connected to you. You can make this a very positive experience for both of you if you put your mind and focus in that instead of worry. Read up on acceptance and being present in Buddhism too as that helped my wife a lot.

Good luck, lamaga, you can do this,

Grumps

 

 

Thanks for all that. You make it sound really easy... It's just little things that throw me off.

Yesterday I had a sad episode, where I just started crying out of nowhere while we were watching a movie. He held me and said "Babe, what's wrong?" and i told him I was afraid of losing him when he is in Asia for 5 months. And he said "Don't worry, we will make it. And if we won't make it, well, at least we tried. And you know I am coming back. We will see each other and figure out where we stand."

To me that sounded like he knows already we are going to break up.

And you know, he is selling a lot of his things at the moment because he is giving up his apartment, so is is on Facebook groups a lot selling his stuff, and I was sitting next to him when he told one of his two best friends who he is going to Asia with, about the summer job he got. He was so happy because its a lot of money he makes there which he can save up for his Asia trip. So his friend wrote back "Yeah, it will all be spent on pussy and 'pagne" and my boyfriend wrote back "you know it!".... I gazed over and couldn't believe my eyes.

They are going three of them, they are best friends. My boyfriend, the guy who wrote this message, who is single, and another guy, who has also a girlfriend. I told this guy's girlfriend about that Facebook convo and she said they are just boys being boys and I shouldn't worry, because this single friend of them is just like that all the time and is sort of a male slut...

I was already thinking, maybe its his insecurity of knowing he is going to Asia with his two friends in relationships who won't be wanting to do any crazy stuff... I mean, what was my boyfriend going to write, No, no pussy and champagne, you know I have a girlfriend? No, I guess... Still, it threw me off and I feel more crap now than before.

Also the convo we had when i cried last night didn't make it that much better.

I told him before that if we were going to break up he can't just think that he will come back and everything will be like it was before, that's now how it works for me, I want to put effort in to make it work and not just give up.

 

And he wants to wait to talk about how we do it AFTER the Summer.

He is leaving in 2 days for Germany. He will be there for 2 weeks and then he goes to Italy for two weeks and I will be here in our old home wondering and pondering. In one month I will go visit him for 10 days. He says this one month apart is the first little test and if we manage this he has good hopes that we will manage Asia.

And I understand all of his points, he is just being an extreme realist and I am a hopeless romantic, I just wish we could meet in the middle somewhere...

And I understand He doesn't want to talk about it yet, I mean, we spent almost every day together for 6 months and now we are dealing for the first time with real distance for a while month. We were apart for 3 weeks once (one month after we started dating) and that was suuuuper difficult already, but we were not in love then, so this is gonna be just the more difficult.

 

Sorry for writing so much, I guess I am just venting..

[Eternal Sunshine]

For someone who was out to sea for four, six and eight months on patrol on a submarine where we only got to exchange family grams, I can tell you this can be done. Sit down and talk about what he needs to do while gone to make you feel secure. I bought a ton of cards and preordered flowers ever other week for her, to let her know that I still believed in us even though I wasnt there all the time. When we finally got email aboard, I wrote everyday, regardless if I had anything new to say, I just told her what I did and how I felt about her. It wasn't easy, but we made it work out and because of her calmness and support, I knew I had chosen wisely to commit to this woman.

 

Jealousy wasn't even an option because worry for tomorrow only robs today of its joy. I had to be confident that my wife, who is unbelievably gorgeous and friendly would be faithful. I had to have some faith, and she proved to me that the character I thought she had was correct. Neither of us cheated in over fifteen years of sea duty. When I got into ports, I only thought about hearing her voice, not cheating.

 

If you believe he is trustworthy and has integrity, then you have to release your worries, and be the most supportive and loving gf he has ever had with no drama. This is an opportunity for him and since you love him, supporting him and making things easy and as peaceful as possible will go way further in cementing a future relationship than releasing your doubts and fears, thereby making you an insecure wreck, drama queen, etc.

 

It is in your hands. The choice is yours. You can control your fears and doubts. You have a nice bf from what you have written in the past, so put some faith in him. Don't let the cheating insecurities or your low self esteem wreck your relationship with this guy. While he is gone, work on some projects, join a new hobby group, take up a new sport, or reconnect with family and friends. Make this a positive experience and he will be impressed and feel safe with you as a long term partner. Get jealous, whiny and controlling and you will show him that you aren't stable or secure enough for a long term commitment.

 

If you need to vent or rant, do it here, not to him. Yes, you will be anxious and you will have doubts and feel lonely and insecure, but you can control those things if you have faith in him and you two as a couple. Put your energy into letting him know he is loved, valued and missed, not into drama and your own insecurities. Passionate love notes and declarations of amore will go far in making him feel connected to you. You can make this a very positive experience for both of you if you put your mind and focus in that instead of worry. Read up on acceptance and being present in Buddhism too as that helped my wife a lot.

Good luck, lamaga, you can do this,

Grumps

 

Wow. You restored my faith in men

[Frank2thepoint]

And he said "Don't worry, we will make it. And if we won't make it, well, at least we tried. And you know I am coming back. We will see each other and figure out where we stand."

To me that sounded like he knows already we are going to break up.

 

It sounds like he is ready to check out. Once he leaves, it'll be just a matter of time he decides to get over the relationship. Also, he isn't being reassuring when he says either you two will make it or not.

 

 

He was so happy because its a lot of money he makes there which he can save up for his Asia trip. So his friend wrote back "Yeah, it will all be spent on pussy and 'pagne" and my boyfriend wrote back "you know it!".... I gazed over and couldn't believe my eyes.

 

Well this is really not cool on his part. He has no problem disrespecting you, and at this point the relationship with you is a joke to him. This rightfully should bother you, because it's disgusting. And yes, your boyfriend could of easily said "No I'm not doing that, I have a girlfriend and I care about her". But he didn't.

 

 

And he wants to wait to talk about how we do it AFTER the Summer.

 

Eh, what? He doesn't want to communicate? He doesn't want to reassure you? He doesn't want to hash out a plan on how to stay in touch?

 

Are you really okay with this? Of course not, because you are crying over this. Are you accepting this? If so, why? Because you love him? That's great and wonderful, but love in a loving relationship is bidirectional. Both members give it and show it to each other. Your boyfriend is really looking to spend a lot of time alone, away from you.

 

If anything, I think you should tell him you two need to break up from each other while he's going to be out there making money, getting pussy. And when he returns, then you can tell him "Maybe we'll talk about it AFTER winter".

 

I understand you have feelings for him, but his behavior toward you is not respectful and loving. Him being a realistic, should understand that with some patience and effort, a temporary long distance relationship can survive.

[lamaga]

It sounds like he is ready to check out. Once he leaves, it'll be just a matter of time he decides to get over the relationship. Also, he isn't being reassuring when he says either you two will make it or not.

 

 

 

 

Well this is really not cool on his part. He has no problem disrespecting you, and at this point the relationship with you is a joke to him. This rightfully should bother you, because it's disgusting. And yes, your boyfriend could of easily said "No I'm not doing that, I have a girlfriend and I care about her". But he didn't.

 

 

 

 

Eh, what? He doesn't want to communicate? He doesn't want to reassure you? He doesn't want to hash out a plan on how to stay in touch?

 

Are you really okay with this? Of course not, because you are crying over this. Are you accepting this? If so, why? Because you love him? That's great and wonderful, but love in a loving relationship is bidirectional. Both members give it and show it to each other. Your boyfriend is really looking to spend a lot of time alone, away from you.

 

If anything, I think you should tell him you two need to break up from each other while he's going to be out there making money, getting pussy. And when he returns, then you can tell him "Maybe we'll talk about it AFTER winter".

 

I understand you have feelings for him, but his behavior toward you is not respectful and loving. Him being a realistic, should understand that with some patience and effort, a temporary long distance relationship can survive.

 

 

I don't think he is ready to check out. I know how important I am to him and he told me he loves me, which really doesn't come easy to him, he is really bad with words like that. Also, today he is introducing me to his parents, something he said he'd never done before with a girl. I know he is serious about our relationship but I sometimes wonder if he even realises it himself. I think he really needs this month apart to realise it, and if he doesn't well, yeah, screw him, but I think he will because we do have a special bond and have been really happy together. The fact that I will have dinner with his parents tonight and that it was HIS idea and I didn't ask for it at all, shows me that he makes an effort. He could have easily just have his parents come visit and spend time with them and leave, but he asked if I want to meet them and I only said, if you feel comfortable with it, yes. And so it goes. It's a really big step for him and he wouldn't take that step if he wasn't serious about us.

Besides, he keeps telling me about all the things he wants to show me over the summer when I come visit him in his hometown. He's looking forward to that. And he wouldn't leave all his things with me if he didn't think we could make it.

I just think he is just as scared as I am, to be honest.

[lamaga]

So my boyfriend left today and I am incredibly sad. I don't know what to do wit myself. All I do is cry... and I want to do so many great things but every time I distract myself I keep having these emotional outbursts of tears for short periods of time...

[Nikki Sahagin]

So my boyfriend left today and I am incredibly sad. I don't know what to do wit myself. All I do is cry... and I want to do so many great things but every time I distract myself I keep having these emotional outbursts of tears for short periods of time...

 

lamaga, could I have your email address please? PM me if so