Ex is emailing me this! WHY???

[Skysurfer]

Long story short... I split with my ex bf 13 months ago after a 7 year relationship 6 of those living together. I thought we might be able to reconcile, but little did I know that would never happen.

 

 

Quick background: I moved countries, left my job behind to be with this guy. In the new country I went back to school and spent 4 years training to become the skilled professional I am now.

 

 

Last year I got my first job and three months in he dropped the "I want kids" bomb. (We are both 33)

 

 

I couldn't accept that because:

a. I just started my dream job

b. Never were there talks of marriage

c. I had a massive student loan that HE did not want to help me pay off, if I were to have kids! (I think its fair he pay off my loan, if he wants me to drop it!?) He was in FULL 100% support of my training.

 

 

I left the house that morning saying I don't have to do this but coldly told me to leave. I left EVERYTHING I KNEW. My house, my pets, my lifestyle, my comfort, E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G, stability etc...

 

 

I managed to find a place to live after being homeless for a week and living at hotels. He never contacted me, because he said NC was the best way to cope. I think in this case, since I'm on my own in a foreign country, that it's not fair.

 

 

WIITHIN TWO F***** MONTHS, he started seeing someone else. WTF!? I invested 7 years to be with this man and he f**ks some other girl!! I was CRUSHED. I actually lost my mind and I can see where passionate crimes happen.

 

 

Within 4 months, she moved in, within 7 months they sold MY home and bought a new place and within 9 months she's been knocked up and they are shortly getting married. Let me remind you I broke up with him 13 months ago.

 

 

LIKE WHAM BAM, LETS HURT ME! LETS SHOW THIS BITCH I CAN MOVE ON AND LEAVE HER IN THE DUST. That is exactly how I feel!

 

 

I have not been able to date, as it would not be fair on the other person, as I myself have not recovered and ready to give my heart out again.

 

 

I called the Wh**e the other day and I gave her everything I had!

 

 

I knew the break up would entail us moving forward BUT the way he cut me cold turkey and moved lightening speed with a baby on the way, just jabs my heart so much. Like I physically feel sick.

 

 

I think I get emotional because I still love him! ALL THIS BECAUSE OF KIDS!!

 

 

Now he's all happy and I'm all miserable, its just so not fair as I devoted my life to him. Please help

[erklat]

How about you stop poking your nose in his life?

 

It's no longer of your concern. You have a dream job, finding someone to join a fulfilled life is a piece of cake. Take some consolation in that.

[elseaacych]

Life teaches you some tough lessons.

 

You broke up with him, so that's on you.

 

If you wanted to work through the kids issue and stay with him, you should have done so, rather than break up with him.

 

Seriously. What did you think would happen once you broke up with him?

[Skysurfer]

I thought it was just a separation at first. Our communication wasn't great. I didn't want to get back together as he had a new gf and thought there was no going back to him.

 

 

I didn't think he would go and find someone right away. I thought our relationship was special and would take some time to get over. He just bulldozed onto the next female.

 

 

He was always very selfish. I did everything for him and all I wanted was some time to have a bit of a career and then start a family.

 

 

It was not my decision to split, it was his! I agreed to it. I thought perhaps some time to think and figure out what is important to us.

 

 

I'm not poking my nose into his business HE SENT ME THE EMAIL to inform me he was going to be a parent...NOT ME!

[elseaacych]

I thought it was just a separation at first. Our communication wasn't great. I didn't want to get back together as he had a new gf and thought there was no going back to him.

 

 

I didn't think he would go and find someone right away. I thought our relationship was special and would take some time to get over. He just bulldozed onto the next female.

 

 

He was always very selfish. I did everything for him and all I wanted was some time to have a bit of a career and then start a family.

 

 

It was not my decision to split, it was his! I agreed to it. I thought perhaps some time to think and figure out what is important to us.

 

 

I'm not poking my nose into his business HE SENT ME THE EMAIL to inform me he was going to be a parent...NOT ME!

 

Sorry, your original post was ambiguous as to who decided to end it.

 

Again, my question still stands: what did you think would happen when he broke up with you?

 

The answer isn't "get back together". Sorry.

 

Guys, when they are hurt, can move on fast. They can even move on fast at the end of a relationship, while it's still going... scary.

 

Unfortunately, you weren't "special" any more. You stopped being special when you left. AND IT SUCKS.

 

But, be grateful that you are not that woman. You didn't want a kid. People, both dumpers and dumpees need to move on AT THEIR OWN PACE. IF his pace was light-speed. That's fine, because you both are done. He isn't "Special." He's boring. He's done with you. You want relationships with people who are good to you and you can be good to them.

 

You need to take the time to work on you. Move on at your own pace, and don't compete with him. You both have different goals anyway.

[Skysurfer]

Why do I need to know this when he knows it will kill me! I was sent this last week and not only is it awful to find out, it's tearing me apart and my wounds are fresh open again.

 

Email: I just wanted to send you an email that is not intended with any malice or ill feeling, but I just wanted to let you know some news in person rather than hear it from somebody else. That is I am going to be a parent this coming winter. As I say I wanted to tell you directly as we have already seen how things have been misconstrued in the past when you have heard things through other people. In telling you it is not meant in any way shape or form to hurt you, I just thought telling you was the right thing to do. End of email.

 

 

Firstly it't not in person, ITS BY EMAIL! Why would he say "I'm going to be a parent"? sounds like a sheepish word to me! Would you not rather write "I'm going to be a Dad!"?

 

Why do you think I've been upset dude? This has all been so explosive, lightening fast and VERY VERY VERY hurtful. How f***ing insensitive.

 

Now after a year of trying to heal, I feel all the sadness in the world that he's apparently fully moved on and I'm still in so much pain. I have attempted to date, with total and utter failure.

 

It's weird cause 3 weeks prior to this email, I dreamt he was going to be a what he calls a "parent".

 

Thoughts and answers to this bloody email?

 

Thank you

[FortunateSon]

The email sounds like there was definitely malicious intent to hurt you or at the very least upset you. I don't know the story of your relationship, but is there any reason he really needs to let you know that after a year? Why is it so important he needed to "let you know"?

[Skysurfer]

I'm friends with some of his friends and family still. I have found out through the grapevine about what he's been up too. Some of it me stalking and wondering how he's doing!

 

I have had to contact him on a few occasions for mail forwarding and some house keeping type stuff that needed to be sorted.

 

I do not tell him anything about me and how I'm doing and what I'm up to except when I decided to move away from the UK, so start a new life, cause everywhere I was, the memories were too much.

 

He got a very upset phone call last week from me, because I told him there was never a moment his his tiny brain to reconcile, he just wanted out!

 

I think our relationship was bound for failure for a few reasons:

1. Told me I had a and I quote "Wizards sleeve" for my private place, no buddy, you have a small di**, but I looked past that for many years, probably why our sex was nil for the last year of our relationship

2. I hated BJ's cause he stank down there and it was not pleasing for me!!

3. Told me I had to woo him! What, nononono, you need to woo me!!

4. his parents always kept in our business and I felt overwhelmed by it all.

 

Anyways, I won't list everything....

[PegNosePete]

Why do you care what he is emailing you?

Set up a mail rule to move anything from him directly to JUNK folder.

[redbaron005]

He wanted you to know from him, but didn't want to call. It's sort of considerate, a tough spot for him as he probably is overwhelmed. A short, three or four word congrats email is in order followed by a swift blocking of said email address.

[guest572]

Hmm yeah im not even sure why he had to share that news with you..

[Elle1975]

I'm friends with some of his friends and family still. I have found out through the grapevine about what he's been up too. Some of it me stalking and wondering how he's doing!

 

I have had to contact him on a few occasions for mail forwarding and some house keeping type stuff that needed to be sorted.

 

I do not tell him anything about me and how I'm doing and what I'm up to except when I decided to move away from the UK, so start a new life, cause everywhere I was, the memories were too much.

 

He got a very upset phone call last week from me, because I told him there was never a moment his his tiny brain to reconcile, he just wanted out!

That's why.

 

Although I don't see why you'd keep in touch with his friends and family, that's another reason why he sent you this email.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I don't know. I could go either way on this one but it's hard to decide which way with such little information about your relationship.

 

How long ago did you break-up? Have you been in contact at all during your break-up? Was it a bad break-up or did you remain friends or at least civil? Did you know he was seeing someone else? How was he as a boyfriend? Why did you break-up in the first place?

 

Get it?

 

I mean we'll never really know what he's thinking or his real intent in sending you that email but without more information or some kind of background on him and you and your relationship past and present, it's almost impossible to provide with any decent insight.

[Elle1975]

I don't know. I could go either way on this one but it's hard to decide which way with such little information about your relationship.

 

How long ago did you break-up? Have you been in contact at all during your break-up? Was it a bad break-up or did you remain friends or at least civil? Did you know he was seeing someone else? How was he as a boyfriend? Why did you break-up in the first place?

 

Get it?

 

I mean we'll never really know what he's thinking or his real intent in sending you that email but without more information or some kind of background on him and you and your relationship past and present, it's almost impossible to provide with any decent insight.

 

She has a few posts on the forum if you want to read them. Basically they broke up, the guy moved on with another girl. That's the short version.

[Michelle ma Belle]

She has a few posts on the forum if you want to read them. Basically they broke up, the guy moved on with another girl. That's the short version.

 

Okay, I read a few posts and have some idea of what's going on now. It would help if the OP let those of us not following her to go back and read her other threads so we can get caught up

 

Now that I get the picture, I would have to say that his email indeed feels malicious.

 

You were together a very long time and uprooted your whole life to be with him and make your relationship work. The reason for your break-up and especially how abrupt it was didn't exactly leave any room for closure for either of you if only to honor the many years you invested in each other.

 

You're obviously hurt but I also think HE'S hurt too. Yes, he found someone who gave him what he wanted not long after you walked out on him but whose to say she isn't just a rebound for him? How do you know he's now happy in his life with this new person? You'd be surprised at the extent people will go to try and convince others as well as themselves they're happy when they really are not.

 

I think he's still very upset with you for having ended things in the first place. His email and his declaration of impending parenthood feels more like a poke at you with the intention of hurting you.

 

Now, I'm not saying he's right for doing this but if he really hated you or couldn't care less for you or more importantly if he was completely over you and the years you spend together, I don't think he would have bothered to make contact with you. There would have been no point in it.

 

I think he's just acting out and using something that ultimately broke you up in the first place. Is it immature of him to do this? Absolutely but people do crazy things when they're hurt and in pain.

 

Good luck.

Edited June 6, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle

[April Moon]

Hi Op! I read some of your previous posts. I don't think his email was malicious. I think he wanted to let you know before you heard from other people. I think he was just trying to be courteous. I think he is in a damned if you do damned if you don't situation.

[Elle1975]

 

Now that I get the picture, I would have to say that his email indeed feels malicious.

 

I really don't think it is. Maybe I think that way because indeed it would actually be f'ing nice for once to see an LTR ex be polite and concerned enough to give a heads up on what's happening in their life, if they know the dumpee is having a hard time coping. Not talking about a 6 months romance. Talking about a long terms (years) relationship.

 

I don't think it's an obligation at all. It's just civil.

 

I don't know the guy though, might be a passive aggressive bs email to get back at her, too. Waving a red flag in the arena as a way to piss her off.

 

Anyway, I don't think it is the intent is malicious. Or maybe it's just a way to say "move on. I have". Kinda screwy if that's what it is.

Edited June 6, 2014 by Elle1975

[KaliLove]

I don't think he was being malicious..I think he was trying to diffuse any further tension. You did, after all, recently call his wife a wh*re and go off on her on the phone (which you had no right to do as she appears to be a completely innocent party in all of this).

 

At this point, it's on you. He's not doing anything wrong by being happy in his relationship and about his impending baby. You need to make yourself move on. You need to stop asking people about him, stop stalking him, go complete NC, definitely stop lashing out at him and his wife, and make yourself move on. It's been over a year..your anger and bitterness are well past the expiration date.

Edited June 6, 2014 by KaliLove

[lauri]

I will give your ex the benefit of the doubt here and assume he was trying to give you a heads up.

 

Either way, this should help you move forward. He has moved on completely and is going to be a father. If you truly did love him, you should be happy for him and wish him and his child all the best.

 

The only thing you can do is move on and get past all the things you've been through with him. I understand this may seem like he was trying to low blow you and hurt you...but I think he was trying to just make sure you heard from him and was concerned on how you would take it.

 

Do you actually think he's that bad of a person?

[irresolute]

wow, your ex did want to hurt you! what a jewel.

block the jerk

[guest572]

I am trying to put myself in OPs shoes. If my ex did this to me, I would be so hurt. I would rather find out through someone else later when "oh, so and so has a 6 yr old kid" i can say "who cares?"

[Skysurfer]

Thanks for the advise given.

 

 

 

 

Yeah he's a total jerk in my opinion.

 

 

And do you know what? This girl is forever stuck with him and he is forever stuck with her. You can't know a person in under a year. You can't!! This is the honeymoon stage. What happens if the child is disabled, or cries ALL THE TIME, or she has post partem depression!

 

 

When he's away all the time for work and she's on her own!

 

 

I think they rushed for something as serious as this! I asked him if it was planned...he could not answer me! It's a opps baby in my opinion!!

 

 

He also said to me that we should of broken up 3 years ago! I was so focussed on my career and training, that I was totally blind to it.

 

 

My response to that email was blunt. F**K You!

 

 

I did not call her a whore directly. Actually the whore is him! It is not fair on her? BULL SH**!! She knew about me and she decided to continue on with the relationship even though his apparent hurt and rebound on her.

 

 

All things come to an end eventually and hers will too. He told me he doesn't believe in divorce, she does as she told me she was married. Well the two saddos who have both rushed into it, can be happy. I'm not happy for him or her, I could care less because I know the out come of their future.

 

 

I am moving on now, I've had my 5 min of sadness and I'm officially tired of caring. It's draining on my soul.

 

 

There is one thing I know...I am going to do the right things, the right way! My next man, will deserve all the happiness and respect he deserves and a guy who understands me and my needs and who is on the same page as me! I'm looking forward to it, but I'm certainly not going to rush it as I've not rushed it for a 13 months.

[Raena]

Part of your healing process will be to stop caring about what he's doing. I get it, I really do. My 11 year relationship ended with a bang too and it left my head spinning. I still can't believe it sometimes.

 

You are smart to wait until you are completely ready. I'm sorry he contacted you like that with this kind of news, that was pretty hurtful of him. Especially since that was his reasoning for ending things with you in the first place.

 

It's also very hurtful of you to contact his new gf and rant at her in any way. I mean that it's hurtful to YOU to do this. It doesn't help you heal at all.

 

Let him go and leave her alone too. Next time you feel the need to rant at her, come here and rant. It does help.

 

You'll find the right guy when YOU are ready for it. He obviously wasn't it or you wouldn't have put yourself through hell living in hotels and leaving your life behind to get away from him. There must have been a reason for why you agreed to leave. You knew it wasn't working and he wasn't the one.

 

(((hugs))) You'll get through this! Go out there and get your life... get what YOU want!