katefzg6 Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 (edited) I am a 41 yr old, live near the Canadian border in Washington state, have a 24-year-old daughter and a 19-year-old son. I'm Dutch-American with a Russian-American husband. I've only just found out off a family friend - and one we've known for years, socialised with, our kids get on well with her kids - that my husband's got an OW on the side. However, I was even more stunned when I found out who the OW was : my daughter's best friend. Apparently my daughter's best friend - she's 26, was saying to my husband in a local Mexican restaurant about how good it was to be with him, she said to my husband "I don't give a fig about the fact we're betraying each other, my friend and your wife, but we're so well-matched. We're good together." I couldn't believe it; this girl I'd known since she was 19 stole my husband? At first I thought it was a joke but my friend was deadly serious. I'm going to have to divorce my husband, painful as the decision is, our life had been good recently, we'd taken up new hobbies - salsa dancing, cookery classes etc. now our kids are grown up and living away from home, and I really feel crushed. The practical side I can cope with, will have to start researching divorce lawyers etc. but the emotional is far harder, I've a shared history with him and he is of course the kids' dad - they love him. As for my husband and the OW, what about when the reality sets in and their so-called affair fog fades, y'know, when the honeymoon phase goes, what will it be like then? Even worse, the OW lives in our neighborhood so I'm probably going to end up seeing him with her pretty often. Just need some advice, I'm stressed writing this and am on a public terminal right now. Edited June 5, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
gettingstronger Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Sorry to hear of your pain- I am not going to try to talk you out of divorce as that is not what you are asking- All I can say is that you are in for a long, painful recovery and I urge you to take care of you-get some counseling, surround yourself with people you love and trust-get sleep and eat- find something that gives you balance and peace- for me it was/is yoga -and no to those that think I must own a studio since I advocate for it all the time Taking care of you mentally and physically will be the key-understanding this is a long, slow process will give you the peace you need when you feel like you should be "over it by now" Best of luck to you- 2
BetrayedH Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Forget confronting the OW. I wouldn't even confront your H. Well, I might edit that to say that I would do my confronting with divorce papers. So...document, document, document and get thy butt to an attorney. Make your decisions with your head, not your emotions. Avoid the temptation to react emotionally. Don't give them the satisfaction. Otherwise, do as gettingstronger suggested and take care of yourself. It's common not to eat or sleep so do your best on both. And yes, get into some individual counseling. What might be most impactful is to keep reminding yourself that your H's affair is not a reflection of you; it's a reflection of him. It can be a blow to the ego but you should be smarter than that. This is about him being ok with lying and betraying the people that love him most and his inability to keep a commitment. It ain't about you. You didn't make him cheat. He chose to do that all on his own. Keep the guilt where it belongs. 3
whichwayisup Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Ow isn't off the hook by a long shot seeing as it's your daughters best friend and a friend to the family, but chances are a crush turned into something else, your husband took advantage of her. Does your daughter know? I take it she doesn't.. As for my husband and the OW, what about when the reality sets in and their so-called affair fog fades, y'know, when the honeymoon phase goes, what will it be like then? Even worse, the OW lives in our neighborhood so I'm probably going to end up seeing him with her pretty often. Just need some advice, I'm stressed writing this and am on a public terminal right now. He will BEG to come back home once the bubble bursts and he gets shunned and talked about when this all comes out. He's a real sh.t to do this to you and your kids, and OW is a real sh.t do this to her best friend, your daughter. 1
goodyblue Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Couple of things. First: you are giving out way too much info on a public forum. Second: you cannot steal a person. I am sorry you are in pain. But you must be careful here. 3
A.Moscote Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Sorry to read this sad situation, it's what many people are capable of, betraying own partner with someone so close. I agree with whichwayisup, your H really have took advantage of, rather than guiding his own daughter's friend. (Not trying to spare the girl, but we are talking about the supposedly more mature and experienced man here.) Hopefully you'd be strong and patient to face through this trying time and to resist his pleads for an instant fix. A separate times would be good to evaluate everyone involved reactions and to plan for the future, but if you already decided on divorce then it is very much understandable, it was a wretched betrayal after all. Take your actions calmly and thoughtfully because the way you start now will set the tone for the whole process ahead.
Author katefzg6 Posted June 7, 2014 Author Posted June 7, 2014 I just can't understand why he did this, I did and still do love him, was it a midlife crisis? I've at least found one smoking gun, as it were, on our computer, an image of him with the OW in a local club taken on his cellphone, nothing sinister, just them cuddling. It seems like he's barely if ever here, it's like he's here but he isn't, if ya get the idea. It seems like he's wanting to move out with her but also seems like he wants to be here too, almost like having the cake and eating it, if y'know what I mean. He seems to think it's that phrase you call sunshine and roses on here, but for me, it definitely ain't, not at all. It's made even worse by the fact I'm gonna have to tell my daughter about this but the conversation won't be easy. But the big thing that proves they're having an affair was the OW's Twitter feed: "I GOT MY MAN. WOOOO-HOOOO!!" and a link to a shortened-url photo of her with my husband. Why would he do this? We're financially stable - have been since at least December 2010/early 2011, our life was good, we had shared hobbies like salsa dancing which he loved. And I mean loved. I'm now in two minds; I was going to divorce him but now I don't know if I should, it seems like a major personality change, he was never the sort to cheat or openly ogle other women, WTH made him do this? There were no major life events etc. As for our daughter, I do worry a lot about her, once this revelation's out in the open. I did read some other threads on here about OW/OMs, reality/fantasy etc. and it made me worried, but has anyone else ever been in my situation? Some other times, I've had rather dark thoughts of sending my husband's dirty underwear/socks, clothes etc. to the OW's house, but even that would be a bit wrong if I was to do it for real. One other question, if he ever did move out with the OW what things would really test their relationship, what do you think the reality'd be like once he's having to do things like bills, laundry etc. with her? How often have people left their BS like me for the AP and really really regretted it when the reality hit? BTW, found this site as a girlfriend was looking it up after she told me her partner left her for the OW, she said it was worth a read so I came here. I wish someone like Pteromom (is that how you spell it, I was told she had expertise in this area of relationships by someone who'd recommended me to this site. Thanks for your advice guys.
fellini Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 (edited) Couple of things. First: you are giving out way too much info on a public forum. Second: you cannot steal a person. I am sorry you are in pain. But you must be careful here. Agreed, the issues you are facing are not relevant to living near the Canadian border, or your heritage. Your family is now divided, thanks to him, not your daughter's friend. Nobody made him sit down and have an intimate chat with a young woman half his age. He made that happen, and he sat there and sucked in those charming words. He wanted to hear them. You cannot predict anything about the future once this thing breaks loose. All hell is going to break loose. She has friends, family too. Stay out of it, and focus on your healing and how you are going to handle the long painful future you are thrust into having with this DH of a husband of yours. GET READY FOR THE DAY HE COMES CRAWLING BACK CRYING for you to let him back in. (This day will coincide with her no longer being in a relationship with him or the DDAY that is about to occur.). BE very clear that this day is coming, and be prepared. Edited June 7, 2014 by fellini
fellini Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 Okay this is a whole new ball of wax! In your original post you were very clear "I'm going to have to divorce my husband, painful as the decision is..." Now you are exhibiting the questioning of the deal-breaker mentality that hits a lot of betrayed spouses. Now the question is how to handle living in a marriage in which there has been an enormous betrayal. Now you need help with information about recovery and possibly reconciliation. Go to Amazon com and buy your self any number of great books to get your head inside what is going on with you. Probably the best and most read is Shirley Glass "Not just friends", which in your case is "Not just friends of my daughter". There are some real answers in Glass to your very important and necessary questions about WHAT IS GOING ON WITH HIM AND WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU. Let's leave the sweet young tart out of the equation. You could try also Mira Kirshenbaum's "When Good People have affairs". I think you really do need to know what is motivating this affair. And I think you really need to google and understand the concept of BLAME here, as this is may well be his first strategy, and you want that dealt with in two seconds: WE are not going to blame this on the WIFE. The sooner that episode passes and he accepts FULL and TOTAL responsibility for what he has done, the better. NOTE: It does not matter WHAT you think his affair looks like to others, it does not matter what your friend's WH did leaving for the OW, all that matters is how HE is going to respond to YOUR confronting him with this A. It doesn't matter that SHE thinks she is in love with him, or him in love with her: When this all comes out, the TRUTH comes out, and we shall see who gets thrown under the bus, who takes responsibility, who does what has to be done, and how it is going to affect each and every member of your family. No decisions need to be made until then, given your feelings expressed below. I just can't understand why he did this, I did and still do love him, was it a midlife crisis? I've at least found one smoking gun, as it were, on our computer, an image of him with the OW in a local club taken on his cellphone, nothing sinister, just them cuddling. It seems like he's barely if ever here, it's like he's here but he isn't, if ya get the idea. It seems like he's wanting to move out with her but also seems like he wants to be here too, almost like having the cake and eating it, if y'know what I mean. He seems to think it's that phrase you call sunshine and roses on here, but for me, it definitely ain't, not at all. It's made even worse by the fact I'm gonna have to tell my daughter about this but the conversation won't be easy. But the big thing that proves they're having an affair was the OW's Twitter feed: "I GOT MY MAN. WOOOO-HOOOO!!" and a link to a shortened-url photo of her with my husband. Why would he do this? We're financially stable - have been since at least December 2010/early 2011, our life was good, we had shared hobbies like salsa dancing which he loved. And I mean loved. I'm now in two minds; I was going to divorce him but now I don't know if I should, it seems like a major personality change, he was never the sort to cheat or openly ogle other women, WTH made him do this? There were no major life events etc. As for our daughter, I do worry a lot about her, once this revelation's out in the open. I did read some other threads on here about OW/OMs, reality/fantasy etc. and it made me worried, but has anyone else ever been in my situation? Some other times, I've had rather dark thoughts of sending my husband's dirty underwear/socks, clothes etc. to the OW's house, but even that would be a bit wrong if I was to do it for real. One other question, if he ever did move out with the OW what things would really test their relationship, what do you think the reality'd be like once he's having to do things like bills, laundry etc. with her? How often have people left their BS like me for the AP and really really regretted it when the reality hit? BTW, found this site as a girlfriend was looking it up after she told me her partner left her for the OW, she said it was worth a read so I came here. I wish someone like Pteromom (is that how you spell it, I was told she had expertise in this area of relationships by someone who'd recommended me to this site. Thanks for your advice guys.
Author katefzg6 Posted June 8, 2014 Author Posted June 8, 2014 I do at least know some of the reasons why, my daughter's friend wanted to be with him, judging by her social media messages. Now I've discovered one other thing; on the internet history on the PC were plane tickets to London - $2,000 worth, according to Google, for him and this OW. I don't know if he's bought them or not, but one thing I do know, he was looking. He didn't really hide that very well. I confronted him yesterday about the affair, and tried to find out the truth, without getting angry, it was hard but I hard to do it, but he didn't say very much, just said "we're in love, it's all good, we're together, like i give a fig about you". It's as if he's laughing at me. I think he'd been drinking that day, as I could smell booze on his breath, at 3pm in the afternoon. He then stomped off, and drove off the local supermarket, and came back with about 6 bottles of Tide detergent, chips and a Pepsi bottle and then left the Tide bottles in the bedroom, and began sitting in his boxers in the living room watching CNN, eating 3 packets of Lay's and drinking a bottle of Pepsi. It feels like I'm getting nowhere with this.
goodyblue Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 I was OW. You may not want to hear from me but if I were you I would kick him out. His blatant disregard for your feelings, him laughing at you, it is not worth it. My ap and I are together but we are of similar ages and background. Most older men will fiddle with, but not stay with, someone so young. He will find they've no common interests. If you want to reconcile then, you can consider it. But for now, don't let him treat you this way. 2
BetrayedH Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 You need to read up on the "180" and implement it. If you want to save this marriage, your best bet is to file for divorce and start showing him that there are consequences to this choice. It will either wake him up or you'll be on the way to the divorce you need. You need to get to an attorney and start protecting yourself. He's about to spend $2k of marital money on his other woman. How much more of that are you up for?
Matilda75 Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 (edited) I'm so sorry your husband responded so callously. You don't have many options here. He didn't immediately express remorse or say that it was over. Instead, he made it clear he was going to continue with that foolish 26 year old, no matter what the cost to his wife and family. He sounds selfish and immature, and you can't stop him from destroying your world. Easy to say but hard to do is to accept that your husband has completely checked out of your marriage. I suspect he is a coward and is waiting to be thrown out so that he doesn't have to take responsibility for ending the marriage. For the sake of your soul you must detach from him, as he is toxic and he will make you crazy if you let him. Your daughters already have one wacko parent. Don't make it two. I know you still love him, but the him that you love is gone, and isn't likely to be coming back anytime soon. The he that took his place will only hurt you. Focus on you and your future without him. I bet that after 3-6 months he comes running back to you with his tail between his legs. By the you will have moved on and realized that you have better options. Begin by building those better options today. Ironically, the sooner you do the sooner he is likely to come back. Let's hope that when he does he has to stand in line. Edited June 8, 2014 by Matilda75 1
A.Moscote Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 It feels like I'm getting nowhere with this. Yes, you are not getting nowhere yet, but you have witnessed how your husband's reactions and attitude to this problem (specifically when being confronted). That's always valuable for your evaluation and planning. One step at a time. Hope by now, you can see it clearly that he put off his conscience and responsibility (not just to others, but also to his own self) to make way for his desire. His reactions are just classic example of cowardice and inconsiderate. Really has lost his head in the ecstacy of this new relationship. Whether just a fling or a real true love, it can never justify being disrespectful and unjust to own spouse like that. Plan your actions wisely kate, be patient and don't let this horrible situation get the bettter of you. It's still a long road ahead. Btw, you did well in holding your anger when confronting your husband, not an easy stance to take under such an emotional tumbling. That's a credit for you.
Author katefzg6 Posted June 9, 2014 Author Posted June 9, 2014 How on earth do you explain his behavior of going out and buying Tide detergent bottles en masse, and then guzzling Pepsi and potato chips?
BetrayedH Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 How on earth do you explain his behavior of going out and buying Tide detergent bottles en masse, and then guzzling Pepsi and potato chips? Does this really matter? What are YOU going to do?
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