Always dealt with BF talking about other girls, but he disregards my discomfort.

[Chaandni]

This might be a little long, but please bear with me, I'd really appreciate your time.

 

A little background:

 

My boyfriend (Sam) & I have been together for 8 months. He's 27, I'm 24. We're currently long distant; he's in Asia and I am in Europe. We've met over 7 years ago. He was a student at my uncle's institute. My family always trusted and adored him so much. He came from a poor family, and always worked so hard. He now has a great job and supports his family.

 

Back then, we never spoke to each other, except one day, when we hung out for hours (me, another female friend and him) on a school trip. We had a great time. Took lots of pictures with my arm around him (he didn't look impressed lol).

Btw, that was a country where friendship with the opposite sex isn't considered the 'norm', it's actually looked down upon and you don't just go around mixing with the opposite gender, unless you're planning to date this person. Just a casual greeting and conversation is okay though, if you're colleagues / classmates. I too personally don't believe in friendship with the opposite sex, but I wouldn't argue with anybody who thinks differently!

 

Fastforward 7 years:

 

For the past years, I've thought of him often. He seemed like a genuine / honest guy, which is rare. My Mum encouraged me to contact him on facebook, so I did. I wasn't planning to date him, or anything of the sort. I just wanted to see how he was doing. On the first day, he stayed up all night just talking to me whilst he had work. This went on for days; him ditching sleep for me, no matter how much I forced him to go to bed. He'd insist that us talking was more important than anything else.

 

Within a few days of us being in contact, he talked about his ex-girlfriend. In 2004, he loved a girl (Maria), and upto this day, he couldn't forget the pain. She suddenly disappeared 2 years later. He called on her house number to no avail.

Later on, she popped back into his life just to say "I feel like you still haven't forgotten about me." He replied saying she's right. They would text each other and he popped the question again, if they could get married. She told him her parents wouldn't approve because he isn't earning enough money.

 

He tried convincing her several times - again, to no avail. Her parents said he had a loose character, was a bad guy, and what not. She finally married some rich guy, and Sam said he couldn't do anything about it because he was still in university with no good job.

 

He then told me about several other cases. One was some girl teacher kissing his neck and cheek against his will (I call it sexual harrassement, he doesn't). He said if he had loved her he would've done the same to her, but he just stopped her from going any further. To be honest, 7 years ago, my family would often notice him having a good laugh with the female teachers. One of my cousins who studied there said Sam was also having an affair with one of them and always left school with her. Sam denies it though, he says he's only ever been with Maria. That's just one case out of 50+ lol.

 

I never brought up his past, btw, nor questioned him. Things happen, no judging.

 

Few days later, he confessed that he loves / liked me a lot. I told him I liked him too, but wasn't quite certain yet if it was just as friends. He kind of pressurized me for months to make up my mind. He later on told me that his Mother picked a girl for him to marry, and that if I didn't hurry, he might have to be forced into marrying her. (Note: I've already told him now that I do love him.)

 

I noticed a girl on his facebook that would leave flirty compliments on his picture. Asked him about it and he tried to convince me that it was nothing. Turned out, she's the girl that his Mum picked for him. His excuse for lying? "I didn't want you to worry."

 

My Mum told me Sam had once gotten engaged. I asked him about it - again, he denied it. The next day, he admits to it. His parents picked a girl. It was his dying grandmother's wish. They later broke it off. Never asked him why. Never questioned it at all. Left the past in the past and never once made him feel bad for hiding it from me.

 

We would talk over the phone for hours. I never once mentioned his past in the beginning. He'd often compare me to his ex; how I am better than her, and sometimes, how we are similar in certain ways (good and bad).

 

I've lost count of the amount of girls (classmates AND teachers) he's mentioned have chased after him / cried over him because he wouldn't date them. He'd even specify their names, and how they were 'okay' looking. He told me he'd often think of this one girl he'd help with studying, who's cried and begged him over the phone. I'd usually ignore it...until I got sick tired of it.

 

He was (still is) mutual friends with Maria's girl friends. One of them is Sara, who STILL sometimes mentions Maria to him. He says those girls are like sisters to him. One of them has even said 'I love you' to him. I don't quite see that as innocent, especially knowing they're living in a country where this isn't acceptable at all.. but they're all married now.

 

Sam admits he keeps everything on facebook set to public, because he wants Maria to regret having dumped him, now that he's got a great job and everything. How do I feel comfortable knowing this? He now says it's not for her, but other people who have judged him.

 

He even mentioned his ex had a baby now - by himself, I didn't even mention her. He said he found out through Sara, then when I asked him to cut off ties with Sara because I didn't want any indirect links between him & Maria, he said he actually found this out through his brothers, and not Sara.

 

He just doesn't understand. He hates me bringing up the past, and denies ever having any indirect links with Maria, yet he still is aware of what is going on in her life? After TEN years? He refused to delete Sara, said he had a great time with her and can't ditch 'the world' for me.

 

For some reason, right after our argument, Sara unfriended him on facebook. He told me this last night, and since then has been saying "This happened right after our argument over her, I wonder what happened.. Hope you're satisfied now though." as if I'd done something. Of course I'm uncomfortable with him being in contact with girls that are close friends with Maria, and constantly knowing what's happening in her life, but I'd never stoop down to that level..

 

I once asked him if Maria was beautiful, he instantly replied with "Yes, she was. She was beautiful. I don't know about now because I don't love her. She was cute and simple, like you." To be honest, I expected a "I don't remember and I really couldn't care less now." for an answer.. I feel a little insecure sometimes now.. And constantly wonder if he's checking up on her on facebook.

 

Few days back, I told him that in Europe, people kissed each other on the cheek to greet - guy or girl. And he went on about how girls always tried to get him to kiss them. Really? I'm so tired of hearing about it.

 

I've had guys ask me out, but I've never mentioned things like these to him. It doesn't matter because those guys never meant anything to me. I've told him a few times about random guys sending friend requests on facebook, and he hated it. Since then, I never mention it and just delete the requests. He also threw a fuss about my cousin calling me 'beautiful and cute', and I just agreed to everything he said, because obviously, his feelings matter more to me.

 

I never mention other guys to him. I'm tired of him always standing up for other girls when I share my discomfort; such as one of the girls telling him how she was gonna 'eat him' alive. "Oh she's nice, you're wrong." He's never even had to deal with me complimenting any other guys.

 

To be honest, he's an amazing guy. He's really sweet. But him constantly mentioning these girls, keeping indirect connections with his ex by being 'friends' with her girl friends REALLY destroys the peace for me. He couldn't unfriend one girl (who often mentions Maria) for the sake of our relationship, yet this girl didn't think twice before cutting him off. And now he's indirectly accusing me for it.

 

He doesn't even seem to appreciate the fact that I wake up at 4 AM everyday just to wake him up for work, alarm doesn't do it for him. I never bother him at work, but I've noticed that instead of messaging me, he just goes off on facebook now - while at work. And when I asked, he says he just wasn't feeling well...yet he has the time to worry over why Maria's friend unfriended him? Right.

 

He says he's sick and tired of me bringing up his past. I don't even care about his past. I never used to question him, until he went on about it. I don't mind his past, I mind the connections he still keeps with it.

 

Please do tell me if I'm just being crazy. I'd greatly appreciate your advise / opinion on this!! I aso apologize for the lengthy post.

 

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tl;dr: Boyfriend goes on about the girls that have chased after him. And is still friends with girls that are friends with his ex of 10 years ago, and is still aware of what is going on in his ex's life via her friends. He also keeps his facebook open just so his ex (who dumped him for a rich guy) can see how successful he has become, and regrets her decision.

[Snakechammah]

I'm sorry to hear that. Being in LDR is hard without trust.

 

Your boyfriend seems so boastful about the girls coming on to him, as if he likes the attention. This is dangerous ground as we know attention whores (even if male) can thread into cheating territory. If the affections of ONE girl (his official giflrfriend) isn't good enough for him, chances are, he will seek out others.

 

Always trust your instincts!