fitguy Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 I finally ended my year long relationship with my girlfriend on Sunday via telephone as she's in another country set to move where I am. I was hesitant for a long time because she was affectionate and bought things for me because she was "thinking of me" and thought I was the one. Everything was great in the beginning of course and I thought she may be the one but bit by bit, things started to change and since last October we started to have issues of her telling me to stop talking to an online friend (she was an ex but we never talked romantically and she even complimented my girlfriend in pictures) and we haven't seen each other since 2000. There were issues of control and she would get angry easily so over time I started to feel burnt out on us. That plus the fact that I gave up my job and moved to a wintery French place and that started to depress me. I moved back to my warm city and she was supposed to come here but I pulled the plug 2 weeks before as I told her I don't see a future but she did. She said it was because of the environment of the cold French place and her business that caused stress in the relationship and it would be different where I am because it's more laid back and easier. I said I just don't see it and we should go our separate ways. She got angry and cursed me off and called me a liar and a hypocrite and that I knew this all along and lead her on. That I may be cheating on her and that's why? Said I never gave it a chance and said she hopes I fall sick, get a cheating girlfriend, and rot in hell. I know she was furious that I pulled the plug but still stayed calm, saying I'm sorry, never cheated, etc. The next day I said I'm very sorry via email in response to her email asking for her stuff back and she just said that I'm not sorry and I don't love her and am a hypocrite. I said I still love and miss her but I didn't see a future for us and we were going down a bad path. That this is hard for me and I can't talk about it anymore. I was going to do the NC but she wrote back and said that if I love her prove it and she'll come down and stay for 3 weeks and we will try a fresh start. That she will go back after that time to take care of business renovations and if we decide it won't work, she'll get her own apartment and she'll be fine. I just told her I need a week to think things through. I feel so bad about it and even though I've had thoughts of breaking up for months, maybe I was too hasty? If I call her today to make amends, she'll be here and I won't be lonely anymore but if I do that will I regret it because I wanted to break up before? Was it just the environment and the fact that I was isolated and away from friends and family? I ended it so why do I feel so bad about it?
umirano Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 I guess your gut knows what's good for you, so listen carefully. What factors exactly suggest making amends? What factors speak against it? Talking to exes is always additional stress on a RS and I'm not convinced it can ever be truly platonic. So I get that she took issue with that. But I understand problems started before that and because of other things as well.
Mrin Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 Man, that's a tough one. I can't help you come to the right answer but I might be able to give you some advice on how to avoid the wrong one. Before you call her and even discuss much less agree to a 3 week visit, ask yourself this question, "could you see yourself continuing to be in an committed relationship with this woman when she moves to where you live? Could you live with her? Could you marry her?" NOTE: I am not asking if you WILL live with or marry her but rather COULD you. If the answer to that question is "no", the by all means do not even contemplate this 3 week trip with her. Either go NC or if you must talk with her, stay strong in not letting even a crack of hope into the conversation. You owe it to her not to lead her on and let her go through the healing process. If the answer to the above question is "yes", then you haven't some tough decision making to do. Good luck! Mrin
Elle1975 Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 I finally ended my year long relationship with my girlfriend on Sunday via telephone as she's in another country set to move where I am. I was hesitant for a long time because she was affectionate and bought things for me because she was "thinking of me" and thought I was the one. Everything was great in the beginning of course and I thought she may be the one but bit by bit, things started to change and since last October we started to have issues of her telling me to stop talking to an online friend (she was an ex but we never talked romantically and she even complimented my girlfriend in pictures) and we haven't seen each other since 2000. There were issues of control and she would get angry easily so over time I started to feel burnt out on us. That plus the fact that I gave up my job and moved to a wintery French place and that started to depress me. I moved back to my warm city and she was supposed to come here but I pulled the plug 2 weeks before as I told her I don't see a future but she did. She said it was because of the environment of the cold French place and her business that caused stress in the relationship and it would be different where I am because it's more laid back and easier. I said I just don't see it and we should go our separate ways. She got angry and cursed me off and called me a liar and a hypocrite and that I knew this all along and lead her on. That I may be cheating on her and that's why? Said I never gave it a chance and said she hopes I fall sick, get a cheating girlfriend, and rot in hell. I know she was furious that I pulled the plug but still stayed calm, saying I'm sorry, never cheated, etc. The next day I said I'm very sorry via email in response to her email asking for her stuff back and she just said that I'm not sorry and I don't love her and am a hypocrite. I said I still love and miss her but I didn't see a future for us and we were going down a bad path. That this is hard for me and I can't talk about it anymore. I was going to do the NC but she wrote back and said that if I love her prove it and she'll come down and stay for 3 weeks and we will try a fresh start. That she will go back after that time to take care of business renovations and if we decide it won't work, she'll get her own apartment and she'll be fine. I just told her I need a week to think things through. I feel so bad about it and even though I've had thoughts of breaking up for months, maybe I was too hasty? If I call her today to make amends, she'll be here and I won't be lonely anymore but if I do that will I regret it because I wanted to break up before? Was it just the environment and the fact that I was isolated and away from friends and family? I ended it so why do I feel so bad about it? Did you communicate the issue with her? Her jealous temper I mean.
Speakingofwhich Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 Her nastiness when you broke up with her indicates what is really in her heart. No matter how she felt there was no need to curse at you, etc. This is the way she deals with conflict and if you don't mind being treated that way, then go ahead and get back with her. Personally, that would be the perfect ending for me if someone treated me that way. I'd never want to be with them again. I like to be treated respectfully even when I'm in a disagreement, don't you? You were respectful to her. If she didn't like you talking to the ex she could either convince you to stop or break up with you. I wouldn't want my bf to have a platonic R with an ex, either. But, I wouldn't be nasty to him about it.
Author fitguy Posted June 5, 2014 Author Posted June 5, 2014 I guess your gut knows what's good for you, so listen carefully. What factors exactly suggest making amends? What factors speak against it? Talking to exes is always additional stress on a RS and I'm not convinced it can ever be truly platonic. So I get that she took issue with that. But I understand problems started before that and because of other things as well. My gut was telling me when I lived up there that it wasn't working. I wasn't feeling it but was thinking it was because I was living in that place that was cold, depressing, and didn't speak English. I guess the making amends part because she was affectionate, although a bit smothering and seemed to hinge all her happiness on me. I guess that part speaks against it because she had no friends as she didn't trust other women and just had acquaintances. She never believed in girls night or anything like that so she definitely wouldn't believe in guys night or guy time. Seemed she wanted us to spend every waking moment together as well as we could never travel separate without her freaking out. The ex that I did speak to online was one that I hadn't seen in 13 years but we started speaking again 10 years prior as she wanted to keep good people in her life and she was engaged to be married. The first day I met my recent ex, I was up front that I spoke to an ex (friend) that I haven't seen in a decade and never spoke on the phone but were nothing more than friends. She was older than me by 13 years so now that she's older the gap just seems widened so I was not interested. I did stop talking to her on Facebook when she asked me to block/remove her from my Facebook as she hated seeing her comment on posts. I did that in October, 2 months after moving in with her. I still communicated on email because we chatted and gave each other advice. Yes, I probably should have just told her goodbye from every communication. However, my ex turned on my phone (wasn't yet activated but had wifi and was shut off) and went into and saw the emails even though I gave her no reason to look but her employee was talking to his ex so she may have gotten the idea there. However, even though she could see there was nothing romantic in them, she hit the roof. She yell, smashed a glass in the sink, told me to move back. I just got drunk and passed out on the couch with plans of packing the next day to leave but she made me apologize in the morning and promise to never talk again and it was done. I stopped all communication with my friend and said goodbye last November.
Author fitguy Posted June 5, 2014 Author Posted June 5, 2014 Man, that's a tough one. I can't help you come to the right answer but I might be able to give you some advice on how to avoid the wrong one. Before you call her and even discuss much less agree to a 3 week visit, ask yourself this question, "could you see yourself continuing to be in an committed relationship with this woman when she moves to where you live? Could you live with her? Could you marry her?" NOTE: I am not asking if you WILL live with or marry her but rather COULD you. If the answer to that question is "no", the by all means do not even contemplate this 3 week trip with her. Either go NC or if you must talk with her, stay strong in not letting even a crack of hope into the conversation. You owe it to her not to lead her on and let her go through the healing process. If the answer to the above question is "yes", then you haven't some tough decision making to do. Good luck! Mrin When I was up there in Quebec, I didn't see a future with us with her anger issues and controlling nature but I was also depressed because I didn't want to live in a cold French place anymore but she would just tell me to take more vitamins to uplift my mood even though I said I wanted to return. As far as if I COULD see us living together? Maybe it would be different in this warmer climate and English surroundings in my own city. I have a good job and a healthy family life. If she still gets mad easily and causes tension where I am always worried about what I'm saying then no. It was like that up there but would it be like that here? I wonder? I guess me saying that I need a week to think about things was the crack of hope? She hasn't written anything back though but had her general manager email me to help with a technical issue (I created her website) but it was for something I never worked on and when I asked, I got a reply to "Log into the hosting account to update it!" Not sure if the exclamation meant anything but my ex used to use a lot of those. I think it was her replying.
Author fitguy Posted June 5, 2014 Author Posted June 5, 2014 Did you communicate the issue with her? Her jealous temper I mean. She didn't really pull the jealous card much but would bring up my ex and that she still thinks I talk to her if we have an argument about anything. I would get upset and say that I stopped completely talking to her and she needs to stop being so distrusting. I'm not her exes.
Author fitguy Posted June 5, 2014 Author Posted June 5, 2014 Her nastiness when you broke up with her indicates what is really in her heart. No matter how she felt there was no need to curse at you, etc. This is the way she deals with conflict and if you don't mind being treated that way, then go ahead and get back with her. Personally, that would be the perfect ending for me if someone treated me that way. I'd never want to be with them again. I like to be treated respectfully even when I'm in a disagreement, don't you? You were respectful to her. If she didn't like you talking to the ex she could either convince you to stop or break up with you. I wouldn't want my bf to have a platonic R with an ex, either. But, I wouldn't be nasty to him about it. Well, it wasn't the first time. She noticed I was distant one night in March as we were watching a movie. She made me pause it and asked me what was wrong. I just told her I don't think we are working and I can't live up here anymore. I just can't take everything and think I'll have to leave. That I know she'll do really well in her business and would help in any way she needs me to but I think this is over. After that she flipped out, called me a liar, and a bunch of "F" bombs and screaming and saying about all that she's done for me and to give her all her passwords etc. slamming doors, banging on counters and when I just banged on the counter also because I couldn't take all the screaming she threatened to call the police because I was in her town. She left the house and I packed my clothes, left a bunch of other ones and other items and took a cab to a hotel to go back home. She called me to come back the next day and picked me up at the hotel and I went back after we talked and I did tell her that the police thing was wrong and that freaked me out. I was thinking of how she ended it too. That if the shoe was on the other foot and I would be sad, tears would be shed, and I would probably try to convince her otherwise but would not wish her to fall sick and die or rot in hell or anything. I've had people break up with me before but it was more of them crying and telling me it's over and we hugged and said goodbye. Just not in such a hostile way. I guess that part of me was thinking it was better to end it on the phone before she does that to me face to face. ...and I did stop completely talking with the ex last November after she saw emails and told me she wanted it completely done, not just Facebook but every medium.
jbelle6 Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 I remember reading a previous post by you and I hate to say it but this girl is bad news. Maybe if I had just read this thread I wouldn't be sure, but with this one and your last one I read, doesn't look good. I am glad you aren't there anymore cause I remember thinking that I would not be surprised if she got angry and got you in trouble in a place you don't speak the language. I have lived there and I remember seeing people who don't speak French treated poorly sometimes. Her anger is just scary. It's not normal to say you wish someone gets sick or things like that. I don't think it will be better when she goes down there because there are just some basic things that won't change. She doesn't respect your needs, she knew you were depressed yet made you wait to go on holiday instead of letting you leave a week early and meet her later. She was mad you wanted to vacation where your parents are so she doesn't seem to respect your family or needs or job or anything really. She needs serious anger management. I can not imagine living with that person. I think you made the right choice.
jbelle6 Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Yes! It was the unsure of breaking up thread, go read what you wrote there and then read the responses you got, that should make it pretty clear what you should do.
Author fitguy Posted June 6, 2014 Author Posted June 6, 2014 Thanks jbelle6, I know that I should just be able to not feel bad because it was a rocky relationship. I feel less bad now so I guess it's just time that I need. Her birthday is tomorrow though and I'm wondering if I should send a birthday greeting or completely nothing at all? Knowing her, I would get some angry message if I do write her or if I don't write her about how I'm treating her after all that she's done for me and the year we spent together and I spit on her. Contacting her that way may just have her running me down and feeling worse. Would you send your ex a happy birthday? I guess it depends on the ex and how they treated you during the breakup?
jbelle6 Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 Thanks jbelle6, I know that I should just be able to not feel bad because it was a rocky relationship. I feel less bad now so I guess it's just time that I need. Her birthday is tomorrow though and I'm wondering if I should send a birthday greeting or completely nothing at all? Knowing her, I would get some angry message if I do write her or if I don't write her about how I'm treating her after all that she's done for me and the year we spent together and I spit on her. Contacting her that way may just have her running me down and feeling worse. Would you send your ex a happy birthday? I guess it depends on the ex and how they treated you during the breakup? Hi Fitguy! This is a tough situation. I think maybe you are better off not saying anything. If you say Happy Birthday and she takes it the wrong way, she might get angry at you for leading her on. I think leaving it be is best. You must feel so good being back home and at peace!
Author fitguy Posted June 6, 2014 Author Posted June 6, 2014 Hi Fitguy! This is a tough situation. I think maybe you are better off not saying anything. If you say Happy Birthday and she takes it the wrong way, she might get angry at you for leading her on. I think leaving it be is best. You must feel so good being back home and at peace! Hey jbelle6, Thanks. Yeah, you're probably right and just not say anything. I had said on Tuesday or so that I needed a week to think things through after she emailed me that if I care about her prove it and not throw us away etc. I should probably not write anything anymore period. Just leave it alone and not open up a can of worms. She will probably be all angry but I doubt she will write me tomorrow. Although if she did, I wouldn't be too surprised if she wrote me and tried to bash me for not saying happy birthday but oh well. I feel better being back home in peace for sure!
Author fitguy Posted June 9, 2014 Author Posted June 9, 2014 (edited) Just got a text from my ex asking... "I guess we are done??" I never responded but my heart started pounding nervously when I got it. I never expected to get anything again? Uncomfortable with how to respond. Edited June 9, 2014 by fitguy
umirano Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 I guess the making amends part because she was affectionate, although a bit smothering and seemed to hinge all her happiness on me. I guess that part speaks against it because she had no friends as she didn't trust other women and just had acquaintances. She never believed in girls night or anything like that so she definitely wouldn't believe in guys night or guy time. Seemed she wanted us to spend every waking moment together as well as we could never travel separate without her freaking out. Sounds familiar. I had to let go of that girl. She was the sweetest though to every outsider and few understood how I could be "so mean" to her, as she hadn't done anything bad. But I just worried I'd be sitting with her for the next 80 years and nothing would ever happen anymore. I lived in an area I knew very few people and I felt like my whole life was stalling. I just had to end it the dullness seemed too horrible to continue with. Just saw your last post. Did you BU officially? If yes, no need to reply. Poor girl, I hope she becomes a better (more independence?) person.
Author fitguy Posted June 9, 2014 Author Posted June 9, 2014 Sounds familiar. I had to let go of that girl. She was the sweetest though to every outsider and few understood how I could be "so mean" to her, as she hadn't done anything bad. But I just worried I'd be sitting with her for the next 80 years and nothing would ever happen anymore. I lived in an area I knew very few people and I felt like my whole life was stalling. I just had to end it the dullness seemed too horrible to continue with. Just saw your last post. Did you BU officially? If yes, no need to reply. Poor girl, I hope she becomes a better (more independence?) person. Yes, I broke up with her and everyone says that I'm better off because she wasn't good for me and we had too many arguments and her control issues. Kind of felt like I could "fix" things with us and maybe she won't try to control so much or have her anger issues (gets mad easily). People keep telling me not to go back as I've been unhappy with her and just because she would be in a different area won't change who she is. I have to respond to her as I feel like she needs the closure. When we broke it off and she was angry and saying all kinds of things in text, I told her I still cared for her but we just aren't working as a couple. She wanted me to at least try in my area where it's warm, I have people I know, I'm in my office, have my family and we should at least try. I told her I need a week to think things through so I guess she feels like we aren't completely done. I know that I should end it but feel like I want to try again even though everybody, including my family, is saying that she's not right for me and will ruin me both financially (she likes to spend and does so impulsively sometimes but has a company that is starting to pick up financially) and emotionally (her control, anger issues, jealousy, insecurity). I just keep seeing the good and I don't know many single people here so I've been really lonely this past week and the weekends are horrible.
Alexjones1 Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Yes, I broke up with her and everyone says that I'm better off because she wasn't good for me and we had too many arguments and her control issues. Kind of felt like I could "fix" things with us and maybe she won't try to control so much or have her anger issues (gets mad easily). People keep telling me not to go back as I've been unhappy with her and just because she would be in a different area won't change who she is. I have to respond to her as I feel like she needs the closure. When we broke it off and she was angry and saying all kinds of things in text, I told her I still cared for her but we just aren't working as a couple. She wanted me to at least try in my area where it's warm, I have people I know, I'm in my office, have my family and we should at least try. I told her I need a week to think things through so I guess she feels like we aren't completely done. I know that I should end it but feel like I want to try again even though everybody, including my family, is saying that she's not right for me and will ruin me both financially (she likes to spend and does so impulsively sometimes but has a company that is starting to pick up financially) and emotionally (her control, anger issues, jealousy, insecurity). I just keep seeing the good and I don't know many single people here so I've been really lonely this past week and the weekends are horrible. People change everyday. Sometimes better sometimes worse, and sometimes indifferent. Its all how you look at it and how they do too! If actions are different then there is change, not just words!
Author fitguy Posted June 10, 2014 Author Posted June 10, 2014 (edited) I didn't think I'd have to do another breakup message. I'm almost hesitant to do it because I'm lonely but I know that I shouldn't think of that when it's at the end. I should follow through with the breakup. It's so hard to do when you think of the good times. It's something we all do as we don't think of the bad, only the good! I now have to send the email to end it. I wish we had crystal balls to tell us that getting back together would be a good thing but after all is said and done I think I must move on. I was looking at some goofy pictures she sent a couple weeks ago to "make me laugh" and that was making it harder for me to completely end it. Edited June 10, 2014 by fitguy
umirano Posted June 10, 2014 Posted June 10, 2014 I feel you. Think very clearly of the reasons to stay with her and the reasons to break up. There's a chance you can get back with her a year or so down the road, when she's become a better person. It's better to be alone ok than to suffer in a RS.
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