Mother not approving of my relationship with a white man/different religion

[Zoeva]

I'm starting this topic because I'm desperate and I have literally no clue what to do with this situation. If anyone could help me out, I'd be forever grateful.

 

I met my now boyfriend 4 years ago on the internet, when we saw each other for the first time in real life it just clicked, we immediately hugged and it just felt right.

 

I was 19 when I first met him and told my parents about him. My mother especially did not approve because he is white, I'm not. My parents have the Islamic belief (kinda, they don't pray or wear hijab). For me personally I don't really have interest in religion just because I've dealt with a lot of things in my life. My boyfriend however is interested in Islam, even though he is white. It helped him he said.

 

Now that aside, I told my parents he is a muslim and we are willing to marry. My mother just did not approve, she said I'll never succeed in my life if I marry him and it's a sin to be with him. It went pretty far, to her even abusing and hitting me for standing up for myself.

 

Over those 4 years she has tried to accept it and would say "okay you can engage with him", I'd be happy and she would later say it was just a joke or something along those lines and we would be back to square 1.

 

Yesterday it was the same thing, she told me she wants to go to a mosque to ask if it's approved in the Islam for me to marry my bf. If they say yes I can be engaged with him. She also wants to talk to him and see how far his love for the Islam is going. She is asking if he prays, fasts, if he is circumcised etc. When she herself doesn't even pray or wear the hijab, it's really hypocritical. The circumcision is even a must for her because she finds it nasty, it's SO bizarre that she is worrying about such small things instead of asking if he has a good heart and good intentions.

 

In the meanwhile the gap between me and my boyfriend is just getting bigger and bigger and when we have the time to meet up without my mother knowing, we have to start all over getting to know each other etc. It's really frustrating.

 

I'm 23 now and I feel like I'm wasting my life because my mother is selfish and is worrying what the family will say if I marry a white man.

 

Has anyone ever dealt with this situation or any tips on how I can persuade her? I feel so lost, why can't she just be happy for her daughter.

[d0nnivain]

Parents can be unreasonable when it comes to race & religion. the world is smaller now that it was & mixing things up is far more common now than it was 20+ years ago when your mom was your age. Unless you have evidence to the contrary I would assume she's acting like this for fear that you will have a hard life overcoming other people's prejudices over your mixed marriage.

 

 

I would speak to the religious leader at the mosque first to make sure you have the communities' support before you mom gets the chance. You don't want to be blindsided by the Imam siding with your mother.

[Candy_Pants]

Sometimes, with some people, nothing you can do/say will convince them to approve of you. The good news is you don't NEED their permission. Including your mother's. If you continue to seek outside approval, you'll more than likely be disappointed.

 

Focus on getting yourself out of your parent's home, into your own home, and finding out if this man really IS the man you want to marry.

 

Good luck!!!

[Zoeva]

Parents can be unreasonable when it comes to race & religion. the world is smaller now that it was & mixing things up is far more common now than it was 20+ years ago when your mom was your age. Unless you have evidence to the contrary I would assume she's acting like this for fear that you will have a hard life overcoming other people's prejudices over your mixed marriage.

 

 

I would speak to the religious leader at the mosque first to make sure you have the communities' support before you mom gets the chance. You don't want to be blindsided by the Imam siding with your mother.

 

This is one of my worries, I wonder if they do that. I mean they have to tell the truth what is written in the koran but I just don't trust it.

 

And the only reason why she has this fear is because she feels it's embarrassing for the family if her daughter married a white man. A family I don't even have contact with, let alone see! She literally only has her brothers, her parents and than the mother of her husband. That's it.

[cenz]

I came from a country with similar people like yours and my last relationship was devastated too because of parents not approving so i can relate to your frustrations. The only advice i can give you is to get your parents and bf spending more time together. Is he staying in your country? if yes then take him to family dinner or just hang around at your house. If he's not then make sure he spend time with them when he come to visit. The best choice would be taking it slow, and both of you are still young to afford more time persuading your parents. Never tell him what your parents said about him, or at least try to sugarcoat and re-arrange the words to not hurt his ego. This is the part where i failed and it cost me my 4 years relationship. We as a woman must be able to protect our man feelings and choose what information to share with our parents. Take it slow to persuade them, get them spend time often and most importantly you have to be sure that this is the person you choose, think wisely, weight the pro and con. If in the end you are very sure about him, keep your decision firm at heart and let nothing your parents tell you sway you. Sometimes we need to really be able to stand our ground despite of what our parents say, but take their worries into consideration too if they make sense, if not just ignore it.

 

Really wish everything will go well for you. Be happy, don't repeat my mistakes.

[giblesp]

Its 2014. Racial discrimination, whether it comes form a stranger or your closest family, belongs in the bin.

 

Do what your heart tells you, its your life.