Why do dumpers wait to break up?

[Atem]

sorry pal, totally disagree. Love is all about give and take. Call me old fashion but it seems to me (i was in a 9 year relationship) that the dumper is usually the one who ended up giving less to the relationship but took the most.

 

As far as I am concerned dumpers aren't willing to face difficult times in relationships, they aren't willing to work on the relationship or compromise. Why? It's easier to find someone else instead because that new relationship doesn't require work because they are in a state of bliss when everything is 'amazing beautiful'. Once that bliss wears off and reality sets in that's when the dumper starts to have his/her own doubts, confusion and heart aches and begins to have regrets that maybe they made a huge mistake.

 

If you really don't love someone or the relationship has ran its course for whatever reason, break up with your partner and be a man, be a woman with integrity. Don't wait until you have all your ducks lined up again and then dump the person you were in a relationship with just so you won't feel 'the pain' the dumpee feels and it's easier for you to move on.

 

As a dumper put yourself in the shoes of the dumpee. How would you feel being dumped by your boy/girlfriend whom you spend several years with, whom you trusted explicitly, loved deeply and were completely devoted to, only to find out you were dumped after she/he had already re-arranged her/his own life first so she/he wouldn't 'hurt' like you?

 

Pure, utter and complete selfishness, no matter how you spin it.

 

Yes and no.

 

Under certain scenarios this holds true BUT consider this one:

- you open up to your SO and get rejected

- you stay together to "patch things up" but it becomes obvious that you drop significantly in the SO's priority ranking

- the SO wants to stay together and "work" on things and even cries about it

- however, you realize that you can't forgive the initial let-down AND you want to spare yourself the paid of the slow letdown and eventual breakup (which would likely come once the SO finds someone else)

- so you pull the trigger early on to set yourself free and minimize the pain to yourself

 

In this case, I don't think the dumper is necessarily the "bad guy". Granted, ending the relationship is a preventative move BUT it is preceded by a clear trend from the SO that indicates a general degradation fo the relationship AND (key point) you as the dumper are not happy with the relationship anymore.

 

So, no, I don't think that dumpers are always the emotionless bastards that this thread makes them out to be. In fact, in some cases, they're the ones that care more and they only become the dumpers because they gather up the nerve to end the relationship earlier and on their terms instead of whenever the other person has decided that he/she is ready to mvoe on.

 

Just my 2c

[lucaslode]

Sorry friend, but that's not how it works. In a relationship it takes two to make it work and if either partner doesn't feel 'the love' anymore, is 'unhappy' or just wants out, they should 1) give their partner the respect he/she deserves and openly talk about what they don't like in the relationship anymore.

 

If after that honest, open talk feelings haven't changed, that partner should have the guts to not prolong agony and break up there and then.

 

But more often than not, step 1 and 2 never happen because that takes too much of an effort, makes the eventual dumper too vulnerable and possibly could result in the dumper actual feeling like crap.

 

If a relationship has ran its course for whatever the reason may be, and both partners had an honest, open and truthful talk about it with each other, sharing their real emotions and things aren't any better or there is no hope the relationship will improve, move on.

 

Don't sit there for months thinking about how you should end it, not sharing those emotions with your partner, all the while you're looking to 'get your life back on track' and when you'v finally accomplished that, only then tell your partner it's time to break up?

 

SELFISH! And makes us dumpees wonder if you ever really loved us to begin with. A real person who really loves his/her partner doesn't go look for someone else, doesn't lines up his/her life first before breaking up. A real person with real integrity is willing to be just as vulnerable as the person they are dumping and get hurt as much in the process.

 

Not having a safety net under your butt when you dump someone is scary and could backfire in your face but that's what 'real' dumping and 'real love' is all about.

[Dash23]

sorry pal, totally disagree. Love is all about give and take. Call me old fashion but it seems to me (i was in a 9 year relationship) that the dumper is usually the one who ended up giving less to the relationship but took the most.

 

As far as I am concerned dumpers aren't willing to face difficult times in relationships, they aren't willing to work on the relationship or compromise. Why? It's easier to find someone else instead because that new relationship doesn't require work because they are in a state of bliss when everything is 'amazing beautiful'. Once that bliss wears off and reality sets in that's when the dumper starts to have his/her own doubts, confusion and heart aches and begins to have regrets that maybe they made a huge mistake.

 

If you really don't love someone or the relationship has ran its course for whatever reason, break up with your partner and be a man, be a woman with integrity. Don't wait until you have all your ducks lined up again and then dump the person you were in a relationship with just so you won't feel 'the pain' the dumpee feels and it's easier for you to move on.

 

As a dumper put yourself in the shoes of the dumpee. How would you feel being dumped by your boy/girlfriend whom you spend several years with, whom you trusted explicitly, loved deeply and were completely devoted to, only to find out you were dumped after she/he had already re-arranged her/his own life first so she/he wouldn't 'hurt' like you?

 

Pure, utter and complete selfishness, no matter how you spin it.

 

I appreciate your honest post, and I've been on both ends of the coin (dumped and dumper) - in a perfect world, yes, everyone would break up as soon as they "know" it's just not going to work, or the love is gone (or was never there to begin with) etc. etc. But relationships aren't an exact science, if so, it would be much easier. Also, have you ever dumped someone before? It is sadly true that most people "line up their ducks" before calling it off, that way, the break up is easier before they call it off. However, my life was a mess during (and really helped cause) the break up as well. I wasn't lining ducks up, we had a strained relationship, distance was involved, some personality differences made it worse, etc. etc. Anyhow I'm blabbing, but the point is, is that although the answer seems clear, its never so cut and dry when your the one engrossed in the relationship. I really cared for her, and even after calling it off, we remained friends for quite some time and I respected all her wishes to help her "move on" completely.

 

Do I wish that I was better able to handle that messy part of my life and figure out what i TRULY wanted? Absolutely! She wanted to continue, I made the decision to call it off because I kept disappointing her. I was a mess, and life was too short for her to wait. I didn't line up another girl, I didn't allow her to "wait" while I figured out my own problems, because to be quite honest, I didn't know how to deal with them at all at the time. But again, when you care for someone, and nothing truly evil has been done to one another (ie. cheating, abusive, etc.) it is not so cut and dry for when the right time is to end it....too many emotions, fear, and history involved

 

While I do agree with you that it often doesn't need to be dragged out, Let's not kid ourselves into thinking it is difficult not to when you just aren't sure. I hope this makes sense as I typed it rather quickly.

[Atem]

Sorry friend, but that's not how it works. In a relationship it takes two to make it work and if either partner doesn't feel 'the love' anymore, is 'unhappy' or just wants out, they should 1) give their partner the respect he/she deserves and openly talk about what they don't like in the relationship anymore.

 

If after that honest, open talk feelings haven't changed, that partner should have the guts to not prolong agony and break up there and then.

 

But more often than not, step 1 and 2 never happen because that takes too much of an effort, makes the eventual dumper too vulnerable and possibly could result in the dumper actual feeling like crap.

 

If a relationship has ran its course for whatever the reason may be, and both partners had an honest, open and truthful talk about it with each other, sharing their real emotions and things aren't any better or there is no hope the relationship will improve, move on.

 

Don't sit there for months thinking about how you should end it, not sharing those emotions with your partner, all the while you're looking to 'get your life back on track' and when you'v finally accomplished that, only then tell your partner it's time to break up?

 

SELFISH! And makes us dumpees wonder if you ever really loved us to begin with. A real person who really loves his/her partner doesn't go look for someone else, doesn't lines up his/her life first before breaking up. A real person with real integrity is willing to be just as vulnerable as the person they are dumping and get hurt as much in the process.

 

Not having a safety net under your butt when you dump someone is scary and could backfire in your face but that's what 'real' dumping and 'real love' is all about.

 

I don't think that what we're saying is mutually exclusive. Actually, I think our comments can even be complementary.

 

Here's what I mean:

- SO#1 doesn't feel it anymore so he/she talks to SO#2 (sometimes repeatedly)

- SO#2 promises to work on the RS but either fails to or doesn't want to

- SO#1 fianlly gets fed up with the BS and breaks up

 

All of this can happen in a perfectly open and transparent way and on a timeline that does not involve first finding a replacement partner for SO#1 (i.e. the dumper).

 

Essentially, what I'm saying is that the dumper is not always the "evil" guy who ditches his current GF to go out with the next best thing. Sometimes the dumper can care more and, therefore, end the RS to avoid being strung along and/or repeatedly disappointed.

 

You're just talking about one side of the coin - there's always another

[littledoll]

Dumpers probably stay with you when they no longer have feelings for you because they would be too heartbroken to break up with you like that.

 

They probably detach when they are alone but they still get that warm fuzzy feeling when with you. They really don't want to leave but they think you are not compatible anymore. So they continue to see you, and treat you right but their heart is not in it anymore. They know the relationship is not going anywhere anymore.

 

So they are grieved. It helps to be with you in this moment because they get to see you make a fool of yourself and how hard you try to please them and it allows them to store negative images of you in their minds, to become contemptuous towards you. And when in their minds you are nothing more than a try hard, someone undesirable, a pitiful, vulnerable thing, they finally dump you.

 

Yes they have the courage to dump you. They have no respect for you anymore. You unknowingly allowed yourself to be viewed as a fool. You did not pick up on their coldness. You have no self-respect they must think. You will look equally pathetic in their minds when they are off. They want to make sure to burn the image of a pathetic person in their mind before they leave. Now that they are satisfied with their decision they can get on with their lives.

 

Compare this with breaking up right away. What if they had broken up with you and all you did was stand there shocked and maybe laughed with contempt and displeasure? How would they feel? They would feel like a dumpee, because at the end of the day they still have feelings for you. They want to make sure they are not breaking up with someone who doesn't love them.

 

THEY WANT AS MUCH REASSURANCE AS THEY CAN that you love them before breaking up with you. Hence why they are acting semi-normal. They want to elicit your words, acts and feelings of love.

Edited July 7, 2014 by littledoll

[ponchsox]

So my ex GF, who dumped me as I described in my original post, suddenly wants to be friends again and hang out without expectations? She's been hanging with another guy (not sure if dating or friends the last few months.) Why would she want this 9 months later?

[NopeNah]

So my ex GF, who dumped me as I described in my original post, suddenly wants to be friends again and hang out without expectations? She's been hanging with another guy (not sure if dating or friends the last few months.) Why would she want this 9 months later?

Is this real life? She's lonely,stuff isnt that great...who cares? You shouldn't, thats for damn sure.

[JimmyWeezy]

You know? I'm not even worried about anymore. What I am worried about is how I can always look back and see that there were signs for sometimes months that things were changing, little things they stopped doing, just little small things that I noticed but ignored.

 

I just wish I had paid more attention to his actions more than the things that were said out of habit, like I love you or I want to marry you.

 

I get mad at myself for that because he wasn't acting like he loved me or wanted a life with me at the end, and instead of leaving I accepted the crumbs he gave me

 

Basically this.

He would say and do nice things here and there, so I would end up thinking it was just a stage, probably of his own not concerning me.

I remember asking "do you?" whenever he told me he loved me, or just staring. As if I knew that something was off.

The hurtful part is that they were with us lying to us and to themselves, that is just so sad and painful. The week before we were out buying me ice cream and talking all night out, the following week he drops the bomb. What kind of person are you? two fu***ng years gone in a second. It's unbelievable. It's tragic.

[guest569]

In my case the dumper was hanging on for 3 months waiting for things to improve because he thought we were close to love , i guess close enough to keep trying.

 

I had no idea. We celebrating New Year's Eve and having sex, a few hrs later he is revealing these feelings of being unsure about us.

[Mary Oak]

My ex stood on the stairs with a friend of ours the night before the break up and told her that we would stand beside each other no matter what. That we knew that, and it made us secure... went to sleep, woke up and asked the wrong question, next thing you know, she is gone...

 

over seven years living together....

[STM206]

It rings true when it's all because they are lining up someone else. Be it a rebound, an ex, or a "new flame". It's sad considering these are the same people that you've had conversations with about being completely honest abuut your feelings. The same person who you talked about a future with, possible wedding plans with, the whole 9 yards.

 

Everything is fine until the break up, they call it being blindsided for a reason.