ponchsox Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 When they have already moved on long before the relationship ended? And continue to sleep with that person until one day before the breakup? I would save that person time and heartache. When I know it's over, I move on. No sense dragging it out. 7
stillfiguringitallou Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 I agree. And I call bull**** on this idea that you "can't really know" because I've never had a problem with that. I can usually tell within a few dates with a person who is being genuine whether or not it will work for me. And I've always been right. And I've never HAD to feel bad about breaking up with someone because I've never drawn **** out for months or years waiting for something or someone to come along and prove me wrong. So sick of those who refuse to take responsibility for their own actions and deflect it onto others. 6
seminoles84 Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 Sucks but they want to make sure they have another lined up before breaking it off. Happened to me. 7
lil hoodlum Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 When they have already moved on long before the relationship ended? And continue to sleep with that person until one day before the breakup? I would save that person time and heartache. When I know it's over, I move on. No sense dragging it out. I don't understand it either. They just carry on as if everything is ok and then BOOM, you get the bad news. What is even worse is when you are sensing things are a little off and you talk to your partner and reassure you that everything is hunky-dory. I also agree with what seminoles84 said. They are busy finding your replacement and when it is a sure deal they proceed to delete you from their life. 4
lil hoodlum Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 I agree. So sick of those who refuse to take responsibility for their own actions and deflect it onto others. Damn dude! You just read my mind! 1
Nimbus4dt Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 Yup, it stinks!!!! Had the same with mine, lovers in the morning, go to work, no issues, receive a text saying we should go out for supper the following eve at some fancy place. Two hours later, we need to talk and boom, end!!! Immature, disrespectful and down right cowardly!!! Even suspect she slept with someone the night prior to me as observed a few things within the house that indicated a possibility. 1
lovehurtsme91 Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 When they have already moved on long before the relationship ended? And continue to sleep with that person until one day before the breakup? I would save that person time and heartache. When I know it's over, I move on. No sense dragging it out. Yup I know how you feel. My ex wished me at 12AM Happy Birthday and another time at 9AM in the morning saying that he loves me etc. And 4 hours later, he suddenly breaks up with me... On my birthday. And the next day... He brought the girl and went on a date. (cheating S!) So honestly, some people just are purely idiots. One thing I learn is, I will grow from this whereas they won't. They will always be the way they are.. No matter how much they want to. Take solace on that You will be alright - as angry as you are now. You will be alright 1
Elle1975 Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Yup I know how you feel. My ex wished me at 12AM Happy Birthday and another time at 9AM in the morning saying that he loves me etc. And 4 hours later, he suddenly breaks up with me... On my birthday. And the next day... He brought the girl and went on a date. (cheating S!) So honestly, some people just are purely idiots. One thing I learn is, I will grow from this whereas they won't. They will always be the way they are.. No matter how much they want to. Take solace on that You will be alright - as angry as you are now. You will be alright I get that people lie, and cheat. About the lies though, one thing that I don't get is how can you tell someone "I love you" over breakfast and dump them in the same breath. That, I don't get. It's a terrible thing to do. To be precise, I am not talking about the "I love you but I am not in love with you" bs line. I am refering to the "I love you and I want to have your babies" kind of deal. Wtf of a person says that wihout meaning it. Dirtbag really.. 2
April Moon Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 I get that people lie, and cheat. About the lies though, one thing that I don't get is how can you tell someone "I love you" over breakfast and dump them in the same breath. That, I don't get. It's a terrible thing to do. To be precise, I am not talking about the "I love you but I am not in love with you" bs line. I am refering to the "I love you and I want to have your babies" kind of deal. Wtf of a person says that wihout meaning it. Dirtbag really.. ^^this! My ex broke up with me and the last thing he said was "I'm doing this because I love you so much. I love you." Then, he posts a picture of him kissing a girl on FB...6 days later... 5
Ordinaryday Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 because they care more about themselves than the dumpee and despite what they may say (which is a lie) they usually won't dump you until they have someone 'better' lined up and are sure that they will be fine the moment they dump you. it is about them, not you. 2
stillfiguringitallou Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 ^^^ that - no picture - but took the first opportunity to tell me about his "weekend plans with a "new friend" and how he was a "single guy" blah blah a month after our split I said great - I'm happy for you - I hope you have a good time I afterall know I've seen other people - even spent a weekend with one trying to chase him away .... but it didn't work. Just I presume it didn't work for him He's being an ******* now because I didn't break down whining about how could you move on so quickly blah blah blah like I used to when he would make up make believe people knowing I knew damn well he was playing WOW every weekend because he is the same faction and server I am. So ... yeah. I don't get it Be a friggin man and keep your girl - or move on to one you feel "good enough" to hold onto and leave the girl you "love so very much" the hell alone. 1
Lernaean_Hydra Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 I've never let a relationship just drag on for ages, pretending everything was ok when I've already "checked out" before so I can't speak to that. BUT, I will say it's not really easy to just up and dump someone right off the bat the moment you realize you don't want to be with them anymore. It's hard. Sometimes you think hope and pray the feelings will come back so you wait but sometimes yeah, it's just plain cowardice. When I broke up with my most recent ex he could tell there was a problem for several weeks beforehand but neither one of us addressed it. I tried to get rid of the numbness I felt towards him and tried to "reconnect" via sex but it didn't work. I cried for days and drank way too much before I could bring myself to broach the subject. I knew he'd be hurt, but I was deathly afraid he would beg and plead and generally make a scene until I gave in. When I finally decided that 'today is the day' I felt sick to my stomach and was shaking all over but I forced myself to blurt it out eventually. It wasn't fun for either of us...it never is. Honestly, some folks will do whatever they can to avoid the awkwardness and discomfort of breaking up with someone for as long as they can. Not saying it's right, but we're not all unfeeling, cold hearted monsters. 1
Phoe Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Being scared of how they'll react, how friends and family will react. I know a guy who was with a girl for 4 years before breaking up with her. I started hearing the complaints 3 years ago. Stating he couldn't stand her, had nothing in common with her, wanted to leave, etc. And all the reasons why he couldn't. Owes her money. His mom likes her. He's friends with her brother. He's already planned to take her on vacation. She bought him a nice gift. A birthday's coming up. She begged him not to. He already invested so much time. Blah Blah. Finally after 4 years he ended it. Ugh. 1
jbelle6 Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 You know? I'm not even worried about anymore. What I am worried about is how I can always look back and see that there were signs for sometimes months that things were changing, little things they stopped doing, just little small things that I noticed but ignored. I just wish I had paid more attention to his actions more than the things that were said out of habit, like I love you or I want to marry you. I get mad at myself for that because he wasn't acting like he loved me or wanted a life with me at the end, and instead of leaving I accepted the crumbs he gave me 4
june_bug Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 It's interesting how some people say that there were signs from their ex that a breakup was going to happen soon. In my case, there were no signs. He behaved in the last two months of our relationship exactly as he did in the first two months of it and in the middle of it. He still took the initiative to make plans, he still answered texts quickly, initiated texts, still wanted to nail down vacation plans, still included me in everything, still kissed me with passion, still wanted sex as often, still loved cuddling, still told me I was beautiful, still....everything. My situation is so effed up. He was exactly the same throughout.
nickjd Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 Same thing. Things were a little jaded due to another dude poking his nose in. Sure enough, took her out for a meal and at the end she said "dont mind me going to ____ for dinner?" [are you jealous and upset face] Seriously, people are messed up. Should have walked away over a year ago when my gut instinct told me something was wrong. its hard.
Icydescent Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 As far as cheating goes, looking back, I understand how easy it can be to find someone else. People grow, their feelings change, environment definitely has a huge impact, so many factors can occur leading to another person. I get that. What I don't get is the incredible lengths dumpers will go to in order to lie/cheat, just so they don't have to face the guilt, be the bad guy, have a safety net - whatever the reason may be. What an absolutely selfish move. If you've been with someone you once loved &/or cared about, the very least you owe them is the truth. We (the dumpees) deserve to move on too.
dlz Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 because they're selfish and inconsiderate. they want to make sure they were ready or were in the right position to leave, while you're left trying to figure out what the hell just happened. it happened to me. 1
mcw123 Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 My gf of 3 years dumped me for good a couple days ago. Before that we did the break up and get right back together thing way too much. She actually broke up with me 3 weeks ago, but then we had tickets to a concert so she said we should still go. Like an idiot I agreed and we ended up back together after that, of course. Then we broke up again and she started to get mad that I wasn't trying to get back with her. Even after she told me how she didn't want to speak to me, she expected me to come to her, it was confusing and infuriating. Now it seems that we're broken up for good, but because of her games I can't shake the feeling that I can still save it, which makes NC near impossible for me. Despite all this, I still love her.
lucaslode Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 (edited) here's what I think? My girlfriend dumped me 3 weeks ago out of the clear blue. I never saw it coming. 2 days later she sends me an email saying "she's with a guy who makes her feel like a high school girl with her first boyfriend. Yes! I have moved on!". I got angry, cried, and called myself stupid. She obviously was already going with this guy while we were still a 'couple'. I felt like such an idiot. A few days of despair turned into a moment of enlightenment: I realized I am not the idiot, she is. She had an amazing thing with me for many years and decided to throw it all away for a guy who is slick and smooth enough to get into her pants. She fell for his advances and continues to fall what she believes is 'true love'. Maybe it is and maybe it isn't but I highly doubt he's seeing her in the same light I saw her and is only using her... Where I use to pay for everything when we were a couple, I've found out through the grapevine, she's now paying for everything and her new beau is riding her for all he can. What goes around comes around. It takes all sorts: some are legitimately worried they'll hurt their partner when breaking up. Some are just selfish and think only about themselves, some are cowards and some are just plain users. Edited July 5, 2014 by lucaslode
Dash23 Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 (edited) I think this thread could use more "dumper" perspectives, and keep in mind with my story that my ex partner and I are in our thirties, so this isn't some early twenties puppy love high school type relationship. LTR's at this age range are typically with a "FOREVER" in mind. My most recent ex and I have had a TEN year friendship/intimacy dynamic because she has worked/travelled abroad for several years. After the last few years of us continually getting more serious, we had been completely exclusive for the past year and did a LDR with tentative "plans" to eventually be together. It is no news to anyone that LDRs are STRAINING, and to top it off, although there was a lot of love involved, we also had some strong personality differences that lead to many rapid small AND big blow ups. Combine the two, and you got some trouble. It was my turn to go overseas to see her and my doubts were growing big time. Hell, we came close to breaking up before I even bought my plane ticket. I had many discussions with my friends soon before going that I had so many doubts about the whole thing. Either way, I went, and after an initial several days there, I could feel myself "checking out" for good. I agree with people saying there is a lot of cowardice and selfishness going on the dumper's part when they drag it on. However, when someone absolutely loves you and will do anything and isn't giving up on you because they want it to work and they truly believe "there is more to us", it is VERY difficult to pull the plug on that. Let's face it, when you break up, I'm a firm believer that is it and it should only be done once. So dumpers also want to MAKE SURE because we assume there will be no second chance. The other big factor....GUILT. Seeing your significant other's face while they start getting the clear indication that things are falling apart and such is heartbreaking for the dumper. I know i know..."so end it now and save them the pain".....again....it goes back to us needing to make sure that it is the 110% right decision. The "selfish" part of me ALSO knew I also had to drag it out because my plane didn't go back home for another 10 days or so. I cried for my first time when there and tried to explain that the writing has been on the wall and we just don't seem to work together. But I still couldn't pull the plug quite yet, it hurt so much. But I knew I had to do it. When I finally got back home, she knew we needed to talk, so we skyped, she was in tears before i could say anything and still even though she knew, she still left it up to me to decide. That is SO HARD to hurt someone like that, when they want everything to be with you...and it is scary not knowing when you'll find that absolute loyalty from a woman again. But I told her, "I keep continually disappointing you, we have 10 years of history, I don't want to make it worse, I can't continue treating you like this." Lastly, as a dumper, we don't want to REGRET our decision! Hence the often long haul before pulling the plug. Her and I remained "friends", and even rekindled for a brief bit, but ultimately she knew she had to stop talking to me much because it hurt. Several months later, I get a fb delete from her and that we "probably shouldn't be friends for a while". Of course now, I'm the one feeling the shock of it all and questioning/regretting many things and feeling guilty by how it all ended. I understand being a dumpee is terrible. But if your a dumpee and if it is not for a GIGS type scenario, or you didn't cheat, or you are not lining someone else up before pulling the plug....if it is truly just because you have a "gut instinct" it won't work, you have to dump them without looking back and not having any regrets. Believe me, my regrets now are killing me now more than any time I've been dumped myself. Because it was MY DECISION and I have to live with it. At least when you get dumped, as hard as it is, your pride eventually kicks in and you think to yourself "it's their loss". As a dumper, I have to now live with "I've lost it forever". No dumper wants to live with a "I've lost it forever" regret and be stuck in limbo. I hope this gives some insight into an honest dumpers POV who didn't drag it on for complete scum bag reasons. Edited July 5, 2014 by Dash23
FredJones80 Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 you have a "gut instinct" it won't work, you have to dump them without looking back and not having any regrets. Believe me, my regrets now are killing me now more than any time I've been dumped myself. Because it was MY DECISION and I have to live with it. At least when you get dumped, as hard as it is, your pride eventually kicks in and you think to yourself "it's their loss". As a dumper, I have to now live with "I've lost it forever". No dumper wants to live with a "I've lost it forever" regret and be stuck in limbo. I hope this gives some insight into an honest dumpers POV who didn't drag it on for complete scum bag reasons. Your post seems contradictory, on one hand, you had this "gut instinct" and on the other you lost it forever? What's it to be friend, don't sit on the fence. Either you had you instinct, made a decision and it was the right one. Or you made a decision and now you're unsure. Either way it was your decision, if you pondered it for some time because you didn't want "regrets" then why does it seem at odds with your tone of the end of your post? Strange :/
Dash23 Posted July 5, 2014 Posted July 5, 2014 (edited) Your post seems contradictory, on one hand, you had this "gut instinct" and on the other you lost it forever? What's it to be friend, don't sit on the fence. Either you had you instinct, made a decision and it was the right one. Or you made a decision and now you're unsure. Either way it was your decision, if you pondered it for some time because you didn't want "regrets" then why does it seem at odds with your tone of the end of your post? Strange :/ That is because as the old saying goes "you sometimes don't know what you have until it is gone". And the "what if's" start kicking in when you start realizing things. I realized, and everyone already knows, that you can't be happy with someone until you are happy with yourself. I had one of the WORST years of my life due to some life variables, and mainly my professional career being in complete disarray. Now that my mind has been cleared of such matters, I'm unfortunately thinking what if we were together and I didn't have these stressors contributing to our relationship. But as we all know, "what if's" are unhealthy because you have to realize, "what if" DIDN'T happen. I have really learned in my past 2 relationships that timing is so crucial. I'm having issues with it all now because I know she has completely moved on, I've lost someone very important to me of 10 years who I grew with, and I realize we probably won't ever be able to even be friends again because she has recently found the man of her dreams. The selfish part of me wants her back, but the part of me that realizes how much I love her knows she is with a better person who is more compatible with her on every level. She now realizes how imcompatible we really were since her mind is clear and she has someone in her life now who is doing all the things I wasn't for her. I know how incompatible our personalities often are but there was A LOT of love involved and a very long history. But as we all know, at rough times, we think of only thing "good things" about them. In time, when I become happier like she is now, I'm sure I'll start really realizing the incompatibility issues that we probably would never be able to get past in the long run anyhow. I hope I firmly realize it sooner than later because it is consuming me. Edited July 5, 2014 by Dash23
lucaslode Posted July 6, 2014 Posted July 6, 2014 (edited) sorry pal, totally disagree. Love is all about give and take. Call me old fashion but it seems to me (i was in a 9 year relationship) that the dumper is usually the one who ended up giving less to the relationship but took the most. As far as I am concerned dumpers aren't willing to face difficult times in relationships, they aren't willing to work on the relationship or compromise. Why? It's easier to find someone else instead because that new relationship doesn't require work because they are in a state of bliss when everything is 'amazing beautiful'. Once that bliss wears off and reality sets in that's when the dumper starts to have his/her own doubts, confusion and heart aches and begins to have regrets that maybe they made a huge mistake. If you really don't love someone or the relationship has ran its course for whatever reason, break up with your partner and be a man, be a woman with integrity. Don't wait until you have all your ducks lined up again and then dump the person you were in a relationship with just so you won't feel 'the pain' the dumpee feels and it's easier for you to move on. As a dumper put yourself in the shoes of the dumpee. How would you feel being dumped by your boy/girlfriend whom you spend several years with, whom you trusted explicitly, loved deeply and were completely devoted to, only to find out you were dumped after she/he had already re-arranged her/his own life first so she/he wouldn't 'hurt' like you? Pure, utter and complete selfishness, no matter how you spin it. Edited July 6, 2014 by lucaslode 1
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