MalachiX Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 Kinda curious about this. I always remember the first fight of a new relationship. While I may get through a quick fling without any fights (something lasting a month or so); I've never been in a serious relationship without some kind of fight rearing it's head within a few months. I assume the lack of fights in flings is essentially because neither of us is that invested in the relationship so we don't feel the need to rock the boat. My current relationship however is proving an anomally. We're about to cross the five month mark and haven't had any real blow-outs. We've had points where we've come close. Where it feels like one is brewing or one of us has hurt the other's feelings. But, so far, we always manage to talk it out before we get full on angry and resolve things. It's also been nice because, so far, they've been real resolutions, not the passive aggressive, "OK, i'll humor you and apologize because I don't want to argue." I came from a home where my parents fought a lot (but stayed together) and she came from a home with several divorces so this is kinda new to both of us. I joked in the first few months that we should create a protical for our first fight so it doesn't get too out of hand but now I don't bother. Is this normal? I tend to be over-analytical so I don't know if I'm trying to find something that isn't there. How long does it usually take you guys before you have your first fight in a new relationship?
guest572 Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 I've only been in one relationship, 9 months and no fight until the breakup
Emilia Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 I suppose it depends on what you class a big fight. I do try to get it out of the way as soon as it's practical though. Ie try not to stiffle conflict as it builds but let it play out. Try not to worry too much about losing the other person (completely different from being respectful or disrespectful).
ThatMan Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 Let me ask some honest questions. If the only thing you've ever known are fights growing up then how are you supposed to know anything else? You don't have any different experiences to rely on so what now? The reason I ask is because you don't need to carry all the wrong expectations and tolerate bad behavior. Constant fighting is not normal in a relationship by the way.
Emilia Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 Let me ask some honest questions. If the only thing you've ever known are fights growing up then how are you supposed to know anything else? You don't have any different experiences to rely on so what now? The reason I ask is because you don't need to carry all the wrong expectations and tolerate bad behavior. Constant fighting is not normal in a relationship by the way. I thought normal or healthy would be defined between two people. ie something that satisfies both, rather than put other people's expectations on it. Some people enjoy conflict, if you find that you both do, why is that unhealthy?
ThatMan Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 (edited) People have to decide for themselves what they consider is unhealthy as individuals. If the only thing you've ever known are fights in a relationship, then I guess you would have to consider that normal, at least for you. It doesn't somehow mean there isn't another way to go about relationships. I think it's important to think long and hard about that, especially if you don't enjoy fighting and would prefer not to fight so often. There are couples who successfully go years without fighting because they understand how to resolve conflict in a positive way. There's also an entire reward system built in to anger. Whenever a person explodes and lets everything out by fighting there's an almost euphoric calming relief after the fact. But that calmness is only temporary and people choose to explode yet again, because they want to experience that same stress relief, and the fighting slowly becomes more frequent with the passage of time. This is why people out there have legitimate anger problems and enjoy seeking out conflict, by the way. So yes, it is unhealthy, but it's also up to individuals to form their own opinion to do something about it. Keep in mind that it's the people who grow up knowing nothing but frequent fights in all their relationships who end up with BPD nutjobs. People seek out relationships based on who they are and what they're familiar with. Only a person with strong cluster-b traits will successfully offer that 'constant chaos' in a relationship. All the more reason why it's very important to step back and realize that just because something is normal to you does NOT somehow mean you need to settle for being miserable. Edited June 4, 2014 by ThatMan
Emilia Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 People have to decide for themselves what they consider is unhealthy as individuals. If the only thing you've ever known are fights in a relationship, then I guess you would have to consider that normal, at least for you. It doesn't somehow mean there isn't another way to go about relationships. I think it's important to think long and hard about that, especially if you don't enjoy fighting and would prefer not to fight so often. There are couples who successfully go years without fighting because they understand how to resolve conflict in a positive way. There's also an entire reward system built in to anger. Whenever a person explodes and lets everything out by fighting there's an almost euphoric calming relief after the fact. But that calmness is only temporary and people choose to explode yet again, because they want to experience that same stress relief, and the fighting slowly becomes more frequent with the passage of time. This is why people out there have legitimate anger problems and enjoy seeking out conflict, by the way. So yes, it is unhealthy, but it's also up to individuals to form their own opinion to do something about it. Keep in mind that it's the people who grow up knowing nothing but frequent fights in all their relationships who end up with BPD nutjobs. People seek out relationships based on who they are and what they're familiar with. Only a person with strong cluster-b traits will successfully offer that 'constant chaos' in a relationship. All the more reason why it's very important to step back and realize that just because something is normal to you does NOT somehow mean you need to settle for being miserable. Interesting that to you fighting has such negative conotations. To me there is a difference between unleashing in anger (agree with the above, regarding that) and openly handling conflict rather than stiffling it. I'm always suspicious when some claim that they never fight or not for years anyway, I assume that one of the partners bottles up a lot for the sake of the relationships. I think conflicts are good because generally they move the world forward but personally I haven't had an 'all-out' angry fight for many years. So it's kind of depends on your definitions and what you see as fighting. 1
Andy_K Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 Zero fights in my last 18 month relationship. Not even during the breakup.
Els Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 I don't think the time to the first fight can easily be correlated with any particular reason, either good or bad. Frequency and how you both actually handle the fight matters a lot more IMO.
somedude81 Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 Was with my ex for six months and we never had a fight.
jbelle6 Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 I hate fighting or yelling or nasty name calling. Two relationships ago was just like that, it was horrible. This last one was nice because he could actually discuss things. We had disagreements on issues but nothing that left bad feelings lingering. Nice to be with someone calm. 2
CarrieT Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 I'm entering my fourth year and we have yet to have a fight. There was terse discussion about the pre-nup, but it was never angry or combative. Just full of anxiety for both of us.
Omei Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 I cant remember !!! Sure there were fights I just cant remember first ones. They must have been very minimal.
Queenie42 Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 I'm very interested in this - Boyfriend and I have been together for over two and a half years and we've never had a fight. What sort of thing is the first fight usually about? We've had disagreements. I hesitate to call them arguments since they've always been about unimportant stuff like theorising about silly movies so not really worth the title of argument. I imagine (hope) if we ever disagree on something important Boyfriend and I can sort it out fairly sensibly. But a fight suggests to me raised voices, slammed doors, and Dad sleeping in the guest bedroom for a week. That's not something I ever want in my relationship.
Under The Radar Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 The quicker the first fight, the quicker makeup sex embarks. So, following those parameters, I'll usually manufacture a conflict within the first week or two ...... seems to work out for all involved. BTW, if you're still reading this, I hope you're not naïve enough to believe it ...... READ: Joking.
MidwestUSA Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 The quicker the first fight, the quicker makeup sex embarks. So, following those parameters, I'll usually manufacture a conflict within the first week or two ...... seems to work out for all involved. But I was totally with you on this. The bigger the fight, the HOTTER the make up sex! So do it right!
Under The Radar Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 But I was totally with you on this. The bigger the fight, the HOTTER the make up sex! So do it right! Make up sex IS pretty hot. I was only joking about fabricating problems, out of thin air, to initiate make up sex. If the fight is legitimate, let the make up sex begin. Nothing like angry ...... animalistic ...... hair pulling ...... who's your daddy ...... make up sex ...... LOL. 1
Gottabestrong Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Been with my current boyfriend for 6 months, we yet have to have a fight. Sure, we have had disagreements, or one person was not happy with the other's actions, but we talked about it and solved it without actually having a fight. Looking back at my former relationships, even those that lasted a few years, we usually did not have real fights - I hate drama and tend to date people who feel the same way - , but we have had disagreements. Interestingly enough the disagreements that came up again and again (lack of affection, not being willing to look for a decent job, differences in spending habits) are the ones that eventually led to the demise of the relationships. Not sure what it is, but I am sure there is a lesson in there for me, somewhere.
gaius Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 I dated a girl who was good for me, never had a fight for the few months we were together. I just had to get out of there. =/ Almost every other girl I've had some kind of argument with even in the original courting process. With the exception of my first. I don't remember when we had our first fight though.
hestheone66 Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 When i was married to my high school sweetheart.. we had been dating since 15 and got married at 20.. first fight when I was about 28.. it only lasted a few hours. He lost his temper at something trivial and i was appalled. we were not good at managing conflict. and because his job took him away from home a lot we tried to focus on making the most of when we were together. He never wanted to discuss anything unpleasant so therefore we didn't fight as such.. however there are bound to be areas that need to be addressed and as he was so unhappy with other aspects of his life (his work) but not prepared to do anything about it, I was frustrated. It was tough bringing up two children virtually on my own with no support and him being a workaholic (not much money so we struggled) and not willing to address his issues even though i told him i think him spending 12 months to at least consider a career change.. we didn't fight.. but we never properly addressed things that were important. the next partner i had he fought with me all the time,, was abusive and very venomous.. i wasted 12 years of being a doormat Now with a lovely, calm completely compatible guy. our first 'fight' was a few months ago after more than 2 years. Strange reaction to things.. he tried to shut it down. I confronted and said i wouldn't tolerate an ostrich head in the sand approach at all and we talked about our feelings and generally deal with things as they arise.. very happy :-)
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