Dumped? Left? Cheated on? This is For You

June 4, 2014

First off, here's a link. I'll call this the theme song of the thread:

(I've been replaying this song for a week now, I need help.)

As usual, I'm never sure what to say during these things, but lately I've been out and about, going on a couple of dates, talking to numerous women, learning to play some instruments, reading and writing stories, and going off on random adventures.

I'm 23. I got about 7 years left till I actually have to consider settling down and getting married. As you guys know, I got my heart ripped out, just like all of you. So I'm taking risks. In such, I am meeting all different kinds of women and listening to their stories. I have a point as to why I'm mentioning this.

I've been on this site for a while, and I've noticed a lot of sad stories of people getting hurt, confused, wondering "what else is out there" and usually left with nothing but pain, broken trust, a sudden overwhelming bitterness, and this desire to make things back to the way they were.

Even if we know, consciously, that it's a very slim chance, we'd rather make it work than to deal with the scary uncertainty that our egos start pricking on us that we're not good enough for anyone.

I'm here to tell you this. After meeting, seeing, and talking to a few women of various ages and backgrounds, I can proudly say this with confidence.

Dumpees, it's not your fault. It never was.

Of course, most of you guys probably think that, or are going to justify that maybe you should have been this, or should have been that.

A lot of guys are going to say "I wish I was richer."

Others are going to say "I wish I was more ripped."

And even others say "I wish I was a jerk like her new man is."

More will say "I wish I had bigger breasts"

Or "I wish I was easier so he would stay"

And the all time favorite: "I wish I was skinnier."

First off, folks. Don't blame yourself for the lies, the cheating you may experienced, or the deception.

I can't really explain it, but a lot of dumpers actually have ulterior motives for their actions. The song I posted says it best

"I didn't want you to face the truth, so I told lies with aim to soothe."

Dumpers hate conflict. They want what they want without the fuss. They feel "entitled" to be as happy as possible and would throw away whatever they need to in the process. And there's ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with that.

We are all entitled to make our own decisions to better ourselves, but to do so in a manner that hurts, berates, belittles, or betrays the integrity and bond you share with someone you claim to love, then your moral values are not to par.

And people, believe me when I say, cheating and deception happens a LOT more than you think. None of you are a special case and NO ONE, I repeat, NO one is immune.

I've seen it myself. I saw a man who was making 3.5 mil a year lose his wife cause she fell in love with a convict, but kept her husband around for the financial security till she cleaned his clock.

I've seen a 50 year old log worker deceived by a woman I personally know, who claims that she was abused by him but later turned out she was cheating on him with a much younger man.

Hell, even our town local "player" got played by one of his girls. Straight up gave him an STD and left him cold.

A loyal wife in her 30s who caught an STD from her cheating husband. It was HIV. She's going to die.

And I've met these people, cheaters especially, and do you think they have remorse for their actions? Nope. Why? Because they legitimately want to improve THEIR happiness so much, that at the point making their SO happy seems like a hassle.

Believe me when I say, fellas, getting dumped is not a terrible thing, but it will feel like it. Every day, thousands and thousands of seemingly happy relationships are crumbled by infidelity and lies.

You aren't missing anything if you get dumped by your first love. But it's always sad when someone you spent so long with suddenly up and leaves.

But believe me when I say, being on the other end of a woman who wanted to leave her HUSBAND to get with me, (and I didn't do anything special, she just thought I was really sexy, and I'm not even fully abbed) that these people only care about what makes them happy.

There will be those who are selfless and will work things out whenever problems arise, but 99 percent of the time, if someone gets dumped, there's someone else in the picture. They might not acknowledge it, but there is.

And they don't care about your feelings, unless wanting not to look like a bastard or a b**** counts. They need to justify these feelings with "You're this or that." or "I wasn't getting enough affection." or "It's not you it's me."

Fact of the matter is, as painful as this is going to be, you have no choice but to accept it, because this is life.

If relationships, or anything, lasted forever, how will they be cherished? You'd get it everyday, there would be no value to it. Ergo, it would seem boring and uneventful.

Dumpees, accept the pain, and let yourself heal, but you have to say goodbye...for good.

Throughout our lives we've done countless things, witnessed countless events, met numerous people. Some may have stayed for a long time, others aren't there anymore.

People live, and people die.

Relationships are no different, no matter how good they make you feel.

Lots of marriages these days are mired in infidelity. Just a lot of them haven't been caught. So to those who got dumped but weren't married:

BE HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You're single(though in pain) and free from a messy divorce full of financial woe. If you cheated on, that's the other person's problem now.

People tend to think that one person is a match, but that's far from the truth.

There's a world out there full of great matches for you. What you need to do is find a good match. What do I mean?

For instance, if you meet someone who shares the same interests and thoughts as you do, but you're a quiet introvert and the other person is a partier, you're gonna butt heads.

You wouldn't be a good match. Eventually your habits will clash. He or she will party all the time and you'll get neglected.

I even had a date Saturday. The girl and I hit it off, till she revealed to me that she was a partier and that she was a free spirit.

^That turned me off. I like nerds but I like the ones who appreciate quality time alone, not have the insane desire to go out and get stupid faced drunk. Needless to say, we had similar interests, but our moral values were very, very different.

And regardless of what others say, if someone doesn't have your morals, it won't work out. Period. You can't date someone if you are blunt if they are known to be conflict-avoiders and pathological liars.

Dating is an interview for a potential lifetime commitment, but the special part about that is that if you get into a relationship, the experience is the wonderful part. Don't focus too much on having it last. Rather, focus on making good use of the limited time you do spend.

If people treated relationships like a chapter in their life instead of just some "forever" thing, maybe there would be more appreciation.

Regardless, don't fret, nor feel sad. It's as natural of a goodbye as losing a friend of a death in the family.

And with that, that is why absolutely no contact, unless it's a sure-fire attempt at the quitting party to rekindle the relationship, is the ONLY thing you can do. If you do desire to talk to them, I'd suggest moving on and having a new SO.

With that, I end this thread.

Dumpees, work to improve yourself and reach your goals. Don't do it for someone else. Remember, you're not alone and you never will be.

Everyone, dumpees and dumpers, is going to get hurt one day.

And in this day and age, it's a lot more common than you think, so if you find a keeper, be grateful, even if said keeper is different.

Remember, flames to dust, lovers to friends, all good things must come to an end.

And that'll make room for more beautiful things to come.

You are never alone. We're here for you, broken hearts.

-Natsume21

June 4, 2014

First off, here's a link. I'll call this the theme song of the thread:
(I've been replaying this song for a week now, I need help.)

As usual, I'm never sure what to say during these things, but lately I've been out and about, going on a couple of dates, talking to numerous women, learning to play some instruments, reading and writing stories, and going off on random adventures.

I'm 23. I got about 7 years left till I actually have to consider settling down and getting married. As you guys know, I got my heart ripped out, just like all of you. So I'm taking risks. In such, I am meeting all different kinds of women and listening to their stories. I have a point as to why I'm mentioning this.

I've been on this site for a while, and I've noticed a lot of sad stories of people getting hurt, confused, wondering "what else is out there" and usually left with nothing but pain, broken trust, a sudden overwhelming bitterness, and this desire to make things back to the way they were.

Even if we know, consciously, that it's a very slim chance, we'd rather make it work than to deal with the scary uncertainty that our egos start pricking on us that we're not good enough for anyone.

I'm here to tell you this. After meeting, seeing, and talking to a few women of various ages and backgrounds, I can proudly say this with confidence.

Dumpees, it's not your fault. It never was.

Of course, most of you guys probably think that, or are going to justify that maybe you should have been this, or should have been that.

A lot of guys are going to say "I wish I was richer."

Others are going to say "I wish I was more ripped."

And even others say "I wish I was a jerk like her new man is."

More will say "I wish I had bigger breasts"

Or "I wish I was easier so he would stay"

And the all time favorite: "I wish I was skinnier."

First off, folks. Don't blame yourself for the lies, the cheating you may experienced, or the deception.

I can't really explain it, but a lot of dumpers actually have ulterior motives for their actions. The song I posted says it best

"I didn't want you to face the truth, so I told lies with aim to soothe."

Dumpers hate conflict. They want what they want without the fuss. They feel "entitled" to be as happy as possible and would throw away whatever they need to in the process. And there's ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with that.

We are all entitled to make our own decisions to better ourselves, but to do so in a manner that hurts, berates, belittles, or betrays the integrity and bond you share with someone you claim to love, then your moral values are not to par.

And people, believe me when I say, cheating and deception happens a LOT more than you think. None of you are a special case and NO ONE, I repeat, NO one is immune.

I've seen it myself. I saw a man who was making 3.5 mil a year lose his wife cause she fell in love with a convict, but kept her husband around for the financial security till she cleaned his clock.

I've seen a 50 year old log worker deceived by a woman I personally know, who claims that she was abused by him but later turned out she was cheating on him with a much younger man.

Hell, even our town local "player" got played by one of his girls. Straight up gave him an STD and left him cold.

A loyal wife in her 30s who caught an STD from her cheating husband. It was HIV. She's going to die.

And I've met these people, cheaters especially, and do you think they have remorse for their actions? Nope. Why? Because they legitimately want to improve THEIR happiness so much, that at the point making their SO happy seems like a hassle.

Believe me when I say, fellas, getting dumped is not a terrible thing, but it will feel like it. Every day, thousands and thousands of seemingly happy relationships are crumbled by infidelity and lies.

You aren't missing anything if you get dumped by your first love. But it's always sad when someone you spent so long with suddenly up and leaves.

But believe me when I say, being on the other end of a woman who wanted to leave her HUSBAND to get with me, (and I didn't do anything special, she just thought I was really sexy, and I'm not even fully abbed) that these people only care about what makes them happy.

There will be those who are selfless and will work things out whenever problems arise, but 99 percent of the time, if someone gets dumped, there's someone else in the picture. They might not acknowledge it, but there is.

And they don't care about your feelings, unless wanting not to look like a bastard or a b**** counts. They need to justify these feelings with "You're this or that." or "I wasn't getting enough affection." or "It's not you it's me."

Fact of the matter is, as painful as this is going to be, you have no choice but to accept it, because this is life.

If relationships, or anything, lasted forever, how will they be cherished? You'd get it everyday, there would be no value to it. Ergo, it would seem boring and uneventful.

Dumpees, accept the pain, and let yourself heal, but you have to say goodbye...for good.

Throughout our lives we've done countless things, witnessed countless events, met numerous people. Some may have stayed for a long time, others aren't there anymore.

People live, and people die.

Relationships are no different, no matter how good they make you feel.

Lots of marriages these days are mired in infidelity. Just a lot of them haven't been caught. So to those who got dumped but weren't married:

BE HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You're single(though in pain) and free from a messy divorce full of financial woe. If you cheated on, that's the other person's problem now.

People tend to think that one person is a match, but that's far from the truth.

There's a world out there full of great matches for you. What you need to do is find a good match. What do I mean?

For instance, if you meet someone who shares the same interests and thoughts as you do, but you're a quiet introvert and the other person is a partier, you're gonna butt heads.

You wouldn't be a good match. Eventually your habits will clash. He or she will party all the time and you'll get neglected.

I even had a date Saturday. The girl and I hit it off, till she revealed to me that she was a partier and that she was a free spirit.

^That turned me off. I like nerds but I like the ones who appreciate quality time alone, not have the insane desire to go out and get stupid faced drunk. Needless to say, we had similar interests, but our moral values were very, very different.

And regardless of what others say, if someone doesn't have your morals, it won't work out. Period. You can't date someone if you are blunt if they are known to be conflict-avoiders and pathological liars.

Dating is an interview for a potential lifetime commitment, but the special part about that is that if you get into a relationship, the experience is the wonderful part. Don't focus too much on having it last. Rather, focus on making good use of the limited time you do spend.

If people treated relationships like a chapter in their life instead of just some "forever" thing, maybe there would be more appreciation.

Regardless, don't fret, nor feel sad. It's as natural of a goodbye as losing a friend of a death in the family.

And with that, that is why absolutely no contact, unless it's a sure-fire attempt at the quitting party to rekindle the relationship, is the ONLY thing you can do. If you do desire to talk to them, I'd suggest moving on and having a new SO.

With that, I end this thread.

Dumpees, work to improve yourself and reach your goals. Don't do it for someone else. Remember, you're not alone and you never will be.

Everyone, dumpees and dumpers, is going to get hurt one day.

And in this day and age, it's a lot more common than you think, so if you find a keeper, be grateful, even if said keeper is different.

Remember, flames to dust, lovers to friends, all good things must come to an end.

And that'll make room for more beautiful things to come.

You are never alone. We're here for you, broken hearts.

-Natsume21

Felt good to read this thx

June 4, 2014

Felt good to read this thx

You're very welcome.

June 4, 2014

You're very welcome.

You should read my post advice is always fun !

June 4, 2014

You should read my post advice is always fun !

I'll get right to it!

June 4, 2014

This is a very strong post. Ive been feeling weak lately nearing or at the 6 month NC mark. This is what I needed.

Thank you

June 4, 2014

Nice words for the broken hearted Good job dude !

June 4, 2014

thanks man. I broke up recently and this gave me a better perspective of reality!

I love loveshack!

June 4, 2014

thanks man. I broke up recently and this gave me a better perspective of reality!

I love loveshack!

How are you handling it, dude?

June 4, 2014

I have battered myself with the "would have could have" questions.I even thought it was my fault but I didn't understand what the fault was. Then I realized I was the one who didn't abuse her who gave her respect and space well a lot of space that she was in contact with her abusive ex. But in the end I am dumped so yea it is not really our fault. Feeling and commitment are meant for the matured mind and once we are promising a commitment then it should be kept else never promise a commitment and take the relationship slowly. Promises of love are something that we should make carefully. The dumper promises commitment yet dumps for his/her personal happiness that is b*** S*** really. But we should be happy that we gave our best and kept the promise it is there fault they took us for granted.

June 4, 2014

That is probably the most sensible and helpful advice I had read since the breakup a year ago. Thanks for sharing that with those of us who are hurting and lost.

June 4, 2014

Awesome post my friend.

That's what it's all about.

Barky

June 4, 2014

I have battered myself with the "would have could have" questions.I even thought it was my fault but I didn't understand what the fault was. Then I realized I was the one who didn't abuse her who gave her respect and space well a lot of space that she was in contact with her abusive ex. But in the end I am dumped so yea it is not really our fault. Feeling and commitment are meant for the matured mind and once we are promising a commitment then it should be kept else never promise a commitment and take the relationship slowly. Promises of love are something that we should make carefully. The dumper promises commitment yet dumps for his/her personal happiness that is b*** S*** really. But we should be happy that we gave our best and kept the promise it is there fault they took us for granted.

I repeat, you didn't do anything wrong...except maybe not realize that a lot of women who come from abusive relationships TEND to thrive off of them.

Ergo, if some guy treats them right and like a person, it tends to bore them.

I had a friend who grew up in an abusive home. Sweet girl, but she parties and gets crazy drunk, and sleeps with a bunch of guys who you can classify as "wifebeaters, drunkards, and a***holes." Goes on a date with me, says she doesn't see me sexually.

I realized immediately that when a 20 year old girl pulls that card out, it's a friend-zone thing. At first I wanted to blame myself for what happened, but then I realized that I didn't act NEEDY at all.

She was madly still attracted to her ex, though. The same ex that used to hit her and call her all kinds of names.

We were incompatible. It upset me for a bit cause we were friends before now. Now I choose not to talk to her cause she just ain't for me.

Trust me, dude. There was nothing you could do differently about it. You did good, man.

June 4, 2014

Great post Nats. I think the biggest problem most of us have is we put our ex's on a pedestal and our minds lead us to believe they are this perfect mate. My ex although it only lasted 6 months, it was intense but I knew she had some issues emotionally but I still set myself up for failure. For the last couple of weeks all my mind has wanted to see was the good things about her but in reality there are probably more negatives. We've just gotta train our minds to stop looking at all the positives and realize the overall picture. Things probably weren't all sunshine and roses.

June 4, 2014

Great post Nats. I think the biggest problem most of us have is we put our ex's on a pedestal and our minds lead us to believe they are this perfect mate. My ex although it only lasted 6 months, it was intense but I knew she had some issues emotionally but I still set myself up for failure. For the last couple of weeks all my mind has wanted to see was the good things about her but in reality there are probably more negatives. We've just gotta train our minds to stop looking at all the positives and realize the overall picture. Things probably weren't all sunshine and roses.

Pedestals turn to wear down with use and time.

Or at least, my broken cabinet with all my awards says so.

June 4, 2014

I know I can honestly look back on my past relationships as a dumpee and say I did nothing wrong. I am the same person I was before and will be in the future. I was respectful, faithful, and a good boyfriend in my relationship but they choose not to be with me, for whatever the reason. It's a weeding out process for our own good. I'm a better person because of it.

June 4, 2014

I repeat, you didn't do anything wrong...except maybe not realize that a lot of women who come from abusive relationships TEND to thrive off of them.

Ergo, if some guy treats them right and like a person, it tends to bore them.

I had a friend who grew up in an abusive home. Sweet girl, but she parties and gets crazy drunk, and sleeps with a bunch of guys who you can classify as "wifebeaters, drunkards, and a***holes." Goes on a date with me, says she doesn't see me sexually.

I realized immediately that when a 20 year old girl pulls that card out, it's a friend-zone thing. At first I wanted to blame myself for what happened, but then I realized that I didn't act NEEDY at all.

She was madly still attracted to her ex, though. The same ex that used to hit her and call her all kinds of names.

We were incompatible. It upset me for a bit cause we were friends before now. Now I choose not to talk to her cause she just ain't for me.

Trust me, dude. There was nothing you could do differently about it. You did good, man.

You nailed my case also man!

But that is the pathology of people who need to have someone to blame for

their lack of happiness.

I suffered, I endured and became better person. A kind of a person

who attracted someone who said seeing the love and commitment you have

for your dog (whom I adopted after a breakup) I wished to be a part of your life.

Edited June 4, 2014 by erklat

June 4, 2014

You nailed my case also man!

But that is the pathology of people who need to have someone to blame for
their lack of happiness.

I suffered, I endured and became better person. A kind of a person
who attracted someone who said seeing the love and commitment you have
for your dog (whom I adopted after a breakup) I wished to be a part of your life.

So you found someone after that ordeal?

Can I say? GREAT FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

June 5, 2014

Great post.

I broke up recently from a 4yr old relation.

She broke up one day out of the blue, the truth is that things weren't as good as they used to be, we fell into a routine, and she had a very busy schedule ( work, internship, workshops, firefight academy) and we didnt had much time to be together.

But i never expected her decision. When we broke up i asked her if someone new appeared. She said no, at that time i believed ... but now i have my doubts...

I want to move on, i think she already has done that ...

I need to release this anger of not being with her, and someone might .

I need to work out, meet more people, have more fun .... but damn this is hard

June 5, 2014

Great post.

I broke up recently from a 4yr old relation.
She broke up one day out of the blue, the truth is that things weren't as good as they used to be, we fell into a routine, and she had a very busy schedule ( work, internship, workshops, firefight academy) and we didnt had much time to be together.
But i never expected her decision. When we broke up i asked her if someone new appeared. She said no, at that time i believed ... but now i have my doubts...

I want to move on, i think she already has done that ...

I need to release this anger of not being with her, and someone might .

I need to work out, meet more people, have more fun .... but damn this is hard

So many women out there. One's bound to love you just the way you are, once you show ambition.

June 5, 2014

So you found someone after that ordeal?

Can I say? GREAT FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You familiar with my story?

June 5, 2014

You familiar with my story?

Nope. But I'd like to hear it.

June 5, 2014

Nope. But I'd like to hear it.

You have link in my signature. It sounded like you are familiar with

it from the way you expressed the first sentence.

I was at a very bad place. You can see by reading a couple of first and last posts, and the difference.

June 5, 2014

Dude fantastic post! Great insight and observation!

June 5, 2014

How are you handling it, dude?

Hi Natsume, thanks for your efforts in trying to help others. Im also trying to help others now, but I am still dealing with my own dilemma.

I made a topic, maybe you could check it out:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/480042-acceptance-how-move-fast#post5737525

Keep up the good work, people at LS are awesome

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