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Disappear then come back?


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Posted

SO, long story short, we dated for a month, then he got busy because of professional exams. At first we kept in contact, meaning he would check in with me at least a text a day. It went on for 2 weeks then his mom got sick. And he said he couldn't give me the attention I needed anymore since he had so much on his plate. I kind of freaked out, thinking he meant that he wanted to break it off at that point but he reassured me that he was interested in me and would be more than happy to pick it up again in summer. After that long assurance text from him (5 weeks ago), he went off radar. No contact whatsoever. Then 2 weeks ago I decided to drop a text to just check in with him and he said he was super stressed still, and said we were still good, telling me to just let him finish his exams. Now the end of next week, he will finish his exams and if he sticks to his words, he will come back.

 

What should I do when he contact me again? I asked my friends for advices and they all told me that he treated me like a toy, when he got busy he disappeared and when he is free, he just comes back and picks it up again as he pleases. What do you guys think? Should I next this guy?

Posted

Yes, you should next him. A guy who's really into you won't let 5 weeks go by without seeing you, much less without even texting to say hi or see how you're doing. Yeah, exams suck, but it takes 2.4 nanoseconds to send a text message, which means you are not a priority to him.

 

I'm really sorry :(

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Posted

No I wouldn't. Prepping for most professional exams such as the bar is a huge deal and he was upfront with you about it. What would you have rather he do? Keep trying to actively date you during the prep period where he would be distracted, irritable and only be able to spend limited time with you? So if he sticks to his word I would give him a chance.

  • Like 2
Posted

If something like that arise again what you do is you tell the guy : You go ahead dear, take care of your things I understand. Call me in 5 weeks when you're done and we will pick up from there if I am still single.

 

I would give him the benefit of the doubt. After 1 month dating it's normal he did not make you a priority over exams and a sick mother. He needed to prioritize and he did it the right way it seems.

  • Like 3
Posted

I'm going to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. Here's why. He told you what was going on. He told you things were on hold. Judging by what you've written, it doesn't sound like another girl. It sounds like he has too much on his plate. This is a real thing that happens to people dealing with real-life problems.

You were a new date, basically. Perhaps if you'd been going out for a year, he'd have tried to lean on you or whatever. But you're too new for that. Guys often find that unacceptable, to be in an emotional frenzy around women they're dating.

 

There's a thing called compartmentalization. Some people are more this way than others. Example, I used to service ATMs. I was at them all day and then often, on my way home, I would think to myself, "I need to stop at my ATM and get some cash." I compartmentalized work separate from my personal life to that point. I never completely stopped doing that.

 

Some people turn their full attention to the most important task at hand. Yes, that could be a new girlfriend, but usually a sick mother will trump that if the person is a decent sort. My sister was in the hospital for months on end and I was involved, being her main relative. I couldn't have even considered trying to carry on anything that required relaxation or creativity or romance during that time! I needed all my energy to handle all her stuff plus my two jobs.

 

To me, he sounds like a straight shooter. That doesn't mean when you start dating again, it will last forever, of course. I'd at least let him know you are not mad at him so that he will contact you once the crisis has passed and he gets through exams. If his mom remains ill, maybe just him getting out of school will help at least relieve some of his pressure.

 

Don't give up on him. Send him a nice but very short (no time) best wishes. Do NOT ask for details at all because he doesn't have time to send polite missives. Just wish him well and hope his mom is better and good luck on his exams. That's it. Then wait.

  • Like 6
Posted

When my mom got ill it was the only thing in the world I could think of.

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Posted

My ex bf's grandpa died and he was on study break for his accounting exams. He asked for time alone so I gave him 'space' for a week. I did check on him occasionally, he told me he was depressed and stressed to the max. 2 weeks later, he confessed to me that he fell in love with another girl.

 

Good luck girl! And stay strong!

  • Like 1
Posted
My ex bf's grandpa died and he was on study break for his accounting exams. He asked for time alone so I gave him 'space' for a week. I did check on him occasionally, he told me he was depressed and stressed to the max. 2 weeks later, he confessed to me that he fell in love with another girl.

 

Good luck girl! And stay strong!

 

 

What an a-hole! I am so sorry. I'm sure you're glad he's gone now, but how gross to use a death as a cheating excuse.

Some people huh?

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Posted

Keep your options open. Disappearing like that is a dick move. I worked full-time while studying for the CPA exam and I was married. It's all a matter of priorities.

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Posted

Thanks guys for all the comments! So there are two opposite opinions as exactly what is going on in my mind now. One hand, I was the one who told him to put me aside and just concentrate on his work as I dont want to be any reason whatsoever for his failure (distracting him, putting pressure on him). Actually before our first date he had already mentioned this exams and told me that he couldnt always prioritize me. It was early between us so i understand his decision. I wouldnt want him to drop everything to fail everything to date me anyway. On the other hand, how much of an effort it is to send a text but he did explain to me that he had been constantly tired and he couldnt think of anything else, he assured me 5 weeks ago in an essay lengthy text that hes not even talking to anyone on his phone. He had two long term rls before (2-3 years) and im actually the player (at least in the past). Hes kind of alpha man, very honest and straightforward. Mayb i should jusr accept that hes not that into me? Btw hes 26 im 20. Sometimes he treated me like a kid. Actually two weeks ago when i contacted him he even said "i really dont need any other distractions" I guess to him im a distraction...

 

But how should I do when he comes back again? I dont want him to think its easy to walk in and out of my life

Posted (edited)

If you aren't seeing anyone else and still have feelings for him, I say sure take another shot. He gave u a full disclosure of whats been going on.

 

Gauge it as it goes, if he is still distant then maybe it wasnt meant to be. But at least u can erase any doubts and stop thinking about it. I think its silly to rule it out as "not worth a chance" if u have feelings for him, because he's been honest about whats been going.

 

I remember studying for my CPA exams were grueling. I didn't date anyone during that period because I knew it would cause distractions. Its not so much "5 seconds to text someone" but u think about them because u like them. That messes up ypur focus.

Edited by J21
  • Like 1
Posted

This guy isn't interested in you. A lot of it could be timing but why is he trying to date anyone if he has no time.

 

But dude 5 weeks is too long with not so much as a text, that should tell you his not interested, stop trying to figure him out because there's nothing to figure out.

  • Like 3
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Posted
This guy isn't interested in you. A lot of it could be timing but why is he trying to date anyone if he has no time.

 

But dude 5 weeks is too long with not so much as a text, that should tell you his not interested, stop trying to figure him out because there's nothing to figure out.

 

I guess you are right. I have been making excuses for him. Maybe I should just let it go.

  • Like 1
Posted

His interest may be mild but it doesn't mean it cannot grow if you go back to seeing each other. Not all relationships start with an arrow to the heart. He may have had things to settle that he did not tell you about but now it's done and he finds himself more open to get to know you.

 

I met a man once, we dated for 3-4 weeks then he disappeared. About a month later he got back to me and apologized he had gone outside the province, family matters etc. I was not too impressed but saw him again, we ended up having a 4 year relationship.

  • Like 2
Posted

Where did you two meet?

 

If it was online then he's full of it. No man who wants to date you is gonna let over a month go by without keeping in touch! He can't send one email a week? One text a week just saying "thinking about you"? I call BS. And stop contacting him you seem thirsty for a man doing that after he blew you off. You should be busy finding a man who actually wants to be with you.

  • Like 1
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Posted
Where did you two meet?

 

If it was online then he's full of it. No man who wants to date you is gonna let over a month go by without keeping in touch! He can't send one email a week? One text a week just saying "thinking about you"? I call BS. And stop contacting him you seem thirsty for a man doing that after he blew you off. You should be busy finding a man who actually wants to be with you.

 

We met at the club (both of us do not go regularly so he's not a clubbing boy, he never even stared at any girl when he was with me) but only found each other again a month later. And I have met his family. He did do all that sort for the first 2 weeks but then I freaked out a bit on him for the lack of contact, then after that he went completely off radar. I let him so too. I guess it's all my fault like always.

 

I have a good few guys who fancy me but the bad thing is I don't feel for any of them but keep being hung up on this only guy.

 

Oh, love hates me haha

Posted
We met at the club (both of us do not go regularly so he's not a clubbing boy, he never even stared at any girl when he was with me) but only found each other again a month later. And I have met his family. He did do all that sort for the first 2 weeks but then I freaked out a bit on him for the lack of contact, then after that he went completely off radar. I let him so too. I guess it's all my fault like always.

 

I have a good few guys who fancy me but the bad thing is I don't feel for any of them but keep being hung up on this only guy.

 

Oh, love hates me haha

 

 

 

Go out with those guys. Even if you don't really fancy them. It will get your mind of this dude and you never know, you might have some fun!

  • Like 1
Posted
What an a-hole! I am so sorry. I'm sure you're glad he's gone now, but how gross to use a death as a cheating excuse.

Some people huh?

 

Yes I'm glad that it didn't take too long (2yrs+ anyhow) for this LDR to end. :p

  • Like 1
Posted

+1 to what Gaeta said. I've got a "disappear and come back" situation on my hands right now as well - although there were never professional exams involved. In the past I've been a staunch believer in letting a man pursue you and interpreting lack of contact as lack of interest, and I think it does hold true to an extent. That said, it's not an absolute.

 

I do think it can be out of sight out of mind with some men. Our relationships are so driven by technological communication that we are often having imaginary relationships. For example, you go out a couple times and have fun but still aren't sure, then you are texting every day so you start to think you are in a relationship, then next time you see him you are thinking wtf? I am totally not that into this person. The opposite can happen as well. You have a great time, the other person doesn't text enough so you think they aren't interested, and it kind of fizzles out where it could have been great.

 

Not everyone does this love at first sight thing. Some are slow to warm up. And people have different personalities when it comes to contact via text - we are all busy working, working out, some have family responsibilities, etc. Some people CANNOT be tied to their phone all day. Some work situations require you keep your phone off or in your desk. At the gym or driving, you can't text.

 

Lol, this sounds like a diatribe, sorry. All I'm saying is that you should MAKE SURE he's not interested before you give up hope or cut him off prematurely. Men also interpret lack of contact from you as lack of interest. It goes both ways.

  • Like 1
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Posted
+1 to what Gaeta said. I've got a "disappear and come back" situation on my hands right now as well - although there were never professional exams involved. In the past I've been a staunch believer in letting a man pursue you and interpreting lack of contact as lack of interest, and I think it does hold true to an extent. That said, it's not an absolute.

 

I do think it can be out of sight out of mind with some men. Our relationships are so driven by technological communication that we are often having imaginary relationships. For example, you go out a couple times and have fun but still aren't sure, then you are texting every day so you start to think you are in a relationship, then next time you see him you are thinking wtf? I am totally not that into this person. The opposite can happen as well. You have a great time, the other person doesn't text enough so you think they aren't interested, and it kind of fizzles out where it could have been great.

 

Not everyone does this love at first sight thing. Some are slow to warm up. And people have different personalities when it comes to contact via text - we are all busy working, working out, some have family responsibilities, etc. Some people CANNOT be tied to their phone all day. Some work situations require you keep your phone off or in your desk. At the gym or driving, you can't text.

 

Lol, this sounds like a diatribe, sorry. All I'm saying is that you should MAKE SURE he's not interested before you give up hope or cut him off prematurely. Men also interpret lack of contact from you as lack of interest. It goes both ways.

 

Thank you for your insight! I do understand it. And he did tell me the same thing, that he's not contacting doesn't mean he's not interested. He said, we are still good, and he's just stressed, and he does not seem like the type that can multi-task. I guess I give myself the benefit of the doubt at the moment. I think it was partly my fault that I freaked out on him in the beginning when he got super busy and contact reduced abruptly, so it put pressure on him while the relationship was still new. It has been 4-5 weeks since our last proper contact and I did drop him a text now and then (once two weeks ago, and once a few days ago) just to wish him luck with exams. I think I will wait till he finishes his exams and perhaps we could either work it out or have some kind of closure. I will make sure that he's not at all interested when I cut contact with him. Thanks

 

Relationships are so complicated these days.. I wish we could just go back to the good old days haha

Posted

Yeah, you don't want to come across as needy and demanding. It's a fine line. And I do think that a man will reach out to you at some point if they are interested, but it's not cut or dry. Some need more encouragement.

 

This guy I'm dealing with now - I like him SO much and just went utterly stupid after our first date. I was trying to let him take the lead and all that, but he later told me that he was also playing it cool. He said he "didn't want to smother me" and that's why I only got a couple texts after our first date. And then I was of course doing the same thing - waiting to text him back, etc. Finally got tipsy one evening and was just straight up about it and he said he had found me "distant" and "cold." He's really hot but comes across as insecure and awkward on dates.

 

I understand being guarded, but you can't close yourself off to the possibilities. Granted, I'm still taking everything this guy says with a grain of salt (he may just be trying to sleep with me), but I'm not going to be afraid to text him first anymore.

 

Text is like ping-pong. Just don't text multiple times in a row - that would be stalkerish.

Posted
Relationships are so complicated these days.. I wish we could just go back to the good old days haha

 

Lol, well the good old days for me didn't really involve complex courtship the way it is now. It was sort of like hanging out and then you made out and then you likely slept together the next time you saw them, f**ked like bunnies for he first two weeks and bam! You were in a relationship.

 

Granted, I got involved with a couple of really dysfunctional men by following this formula. But there has to be a middle ground. Dating is like a flipping mating dance or something - two chickens circling and circling and circling until they're dizzy.

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Posted
Yeah, you don't want to come across as needy and demanding. It's a fine line. And I do think that a man will reach out to you at some point if they are interested, but it's not cut or dry. Some need more encouragement.

 

This guy I'm dealing with now - I like him SO much and just went utterly stupid after our first date. I was trying to let him take the lead and all that, but he later told me that he was also playing it cool. He said he "didn't want to smother me" and that's why I only got a couple texts after our first date. And then I was of course doing the same thing - waiting to text him back, etc. Finally got tipsy one evening and was just straight up about it and he said he had found me "distant" and "cold." He's really hot but comes across as insecure and awkward on dates.

 

I understand being guarded, but you can't close yourself off to the possibilities. Granted, I'm still taking everything this guy says with a grain of salt (he may just be trying to sleep with me), but I'm not going to be afraid to text him first anymore.

 

Text is like ping-pong. Just don't text multiple times in a row - that would be stalkerish.

 

I made a mistake by coming a bit demanding when he got busy but i did not do it without a reason. He was so keen in the beginning and suddenly he dropped all contact, and I was very confused about it all. And we did not meet in person enough. I guess I have screwed up pretty badly. Sometimes I'm not even sure about my feelings for him. Luckily I have never multiple texts him. Probably when he comes back, I will back off a bit and see how it goes. Bcuz now whatever I say or do or come to conclusion, I will be in the wrong and I don't want that considering he has been very upfront and assuring me about things.

 

Yea about you and your guys, I think you should probably mirror his behaviours, but at some point still have to communicate with him about your feelings and his feelings to see where this whole thing goes. If you want it to develop, and if it's meant to develop, you should feel comfortable about contacting him first. It's a two way thing, isn't it? Sometimes both people are scared of getting hurt and being guarded, then come off as disinterested or not keen enough, which makes the other person who was keen not keen anymore.

 

These days it's all about playing it cool. But sometimes it backfires. It never really gets anywhere unless we are open and sincere about our feelings I think. It's ironic how I can always play it cool with all the guys I don't like and they end up being crazy about me, and with the only guy I've ever been interested in, I can't do it and he (seemingly) cannot be bothered much. But it's only because I have real feelings and I cannot hide it. Is it so bad?

 

Haha, dating is soo much a pain in the ass lol always guessing and guessing...

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