Lessons I have learnt

[counterman]

I've only been in two relationships and both times I have been broken up with. I found that although I had been through a break up before, the most recent one hadn't been any easier. However, there were things I did this time around that I had learnt from my first break-up, such as No Contact, limiting talk about my ex, keeping myself distracted at all times, breaking up my routine, reconnecting with friends, doing more of the things I love, etc. I have found the hurt is slowly dissipating the longer I am in No Contact. Furthermore, I find that I am learning about myself and about why my relationship didn't work out.

 

In my first break-up, I was extremely bitter. It took me 2 years to really get over it. My ex had dated a friend of mine a month after we broke up and to make things worse, he messaged me and told me about it, to rub it in. I was pissed. I spend 6 months talking about my ex to anyone I would meet. It didn't help me at all. Choosing to be angry and bitter didn't help. So I came onto to this forum and that's when my journey of self improvement started. No matter how bad a situation is, there's always positives you can draw from it. I like to think lessons you learn from a relationship are positives that you bring into the next relationship. The mistakes you make and the regret you feel shows that you can be a better person and a better partner. So I thought I would share some of the lessons I've learnt about my past relationship. This is my experience, some of which may be applicable to you, some may not... such sharing cause it helped when others shared their experience with me.

 

1) Giving my partner space. We all need space to ourselves, to de-stress, to do what we enjoy, to just relax, to be around friends, to do what we want. Crowding your partner and always being there sometimes gives more fuel for arguments. For example, you might notice your partner's little annoying habbits when you're always spending time with them. We all need that alone time, a time to miss our partner; absence makes the heart grow fonder. If you have less time together, even if it's slightly, wouldn't you want to make sure it's a good time?

 

2) Choosing to get along rather than to be right. Pick your battles. I am stubborn and at times I would argue just to be right rather than accept that we disagree and let it go. After 'winning' or believing that I was 'right', I looked back and thought how stupid it was to argue. At the end of it, all it did was make us both angry and my partner would always push me away. Sometimes it's best to just stop and think if something is really worth arguing over. Most of the time, it's not. I would choose to get along and be happy, then to fight to be right.

 

3) To listen. When my partner opened up to me and spoke, I would wait for her to finish and then have my face, to get the last word in, instead of really listening and trying to understand her perspective and where she is coming from. It is difficult because I see things from my eyes and sometimes I don't agree with what she has to say. Instead of being defensive, I should've listened and I should have taken the time to validate her feelings, instead of making her feel as though she was never heart. Sometimes it's best to just shut up and listen. Don't automatically react to what she has to say and just listen.

 

4) To be patient. We aren't always going to get things right. That's rarely the case. When your partner does something you don't agree with or makes the same mistake again, it's very easy to lose your cool and it's especially discouraging and devastating if you keep repeating the mistake they've made, especially if they're trying to be better. We have to be patient with each other, and accept that things aren't going to perfect. We won't always be listening to each other when we should, we won't always be mindful of each other's feelings, but as long as we are trying and we are patient with each other, then things will get better.

 

5) To not let the past affect the present. Bringing up past arguments or issues is counter-productive. You can't change the past. You can learn from it but you can't change it. It's best to deal with any issues together at hand, rather than drag other issues from the past. Whatever happened in each other's lives before you've met needs to be accepted. Trust what each other is doing now, unless current actions are giving you reason not to.

 

6) To be assertive with my boundaries and standards. We all have our limits. As much as we want to please our partners, there's a certain point, I feel, that we can reach and cannot go beyond without hurting ourselves. It's best to let your feelings be known as soon as you feel your boundaries are being crossed. A respectful partner will listen and will at least compromise. If your boundaries aren't respected, you may consider walking away.

 

7) To trust. This is an obvious one but it's a hard one and one I'm still coming to terms with. But not relationship can survive without trust. My ex didn't cheat on me but where my lack of trust came from was several boundaries being crossed. I always had this nagging feeling that they would be crossed again and I didn't trust her because of that. How do you force yourself to trust someone? Even if you have this feeling that I had, you can always give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Let them know how you feel and then let it go. Don't bagger them about it. Give them the benefit of the doubt. Trust will come over time.

 

I'm sure there's more that I've learnt, just can't think of what more to write at the moment. You may or may not agree with some of my points. That's completely fair.

 

Feel free to let me know what you think or to add any lessons of your own. I would love to hear them

[Griesfootball]

This forum is great. We all go through things and there are a lot of people who have really helped me. I've tried to help others too. I've learned that nobody knows everything about a relationship. I thought I knew everything. Lessons I've learned are that:

 

You can't put all the blame on yourself

 

You thing your alone but you then realize there are tons of nice people out there

 

You remember how independent you were before you relied on this person

 

Don't hang your life on the past