lilmisscantbewrong Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 I thought I would relay at couple of funny but sad stories. It has been 4 1/2 years since my final dday and over 2 1/2 since my husbands. Yesterday was graduation and good friends of ours son graduated and had a party. The kicker was it was being held at my xmom's mother in laws house. The reason being was this boy had done yard work for her over the years and it was her graduation gift to him. Our friends knew that it might be an issue but my husband and I stewed about it for awhile - knowing that for my husband the location might be a trigger (last time we were there we all were hanging out and boating together) and it is her home. So I spoke with the parents and wanted to be sure that the mother in law knew we were invited and I stated I wasn't sure what we would do but in the end it was about their son and no one else. They ended up talking with her and she said she assumed we would be and said we were welcome at her home. We did go, she greeted me - she put out her hand and then I hugged her. It was brief but cordial. She was much warmer to my daughter and husband but that was to be expected. Her son (Who is in his thirties) was there helping with food - he did not speak to me but that's okay. We got through it, albeit a bit uncomfortable. I had been told that xmom's mother and father would be there helping with the food but there was no sign of them. I kind of think they might have helped her get it ready and then left knowing we would be there. The second thing that happened was I was helping my daughter clean out her car (which used to be my husbands) and while cleaning out the glove compartment I came across a little silver charm (it was a chair) and it was still in a little plastic ziplock bag it had come in when it was purchased. I knew what it was right away. It was a charm my husband had bought for his xmow which I discovered right before I confronted him. At the time he said he was getting rid of it. Apparently he stuck it in the glove compartment. I didn't even look at him as he was standing behind me - I just reached my arm in back of me and handed it to him and said "this is yourself". He just said "that's trash" and threw it in the bag. What an interesting and peculiar day. Affairs do suck. 5
gettingstronger Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 I agree- they have lots of little tentacles that spread out all over your life and pop up at unexpected times- I am happy for you that you seemed to weather it just fine this time around and I wish you peace and happiness-cheers! 6
compulsivedancer Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 Yep. I sometimes encounter mutual acquaintances who aren't aware, and I'm never sure how to handle it. I usually nod and smile, and change the subject. 1
BrokenPrincess Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 Funny you mention this because I dug out an old purse this morning for work and a hotel room key from a trip wMM fell out. And I promptly threw it right in the trash can!! Felt great not to feel nostalgic about him! 7
BetrayedH Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 I thought I would relay at couple of funny but sad stories. It has been 4 1/2 years since my final dday and over 2 1/2 since my husbands. Yesterday was graduation and good friends of ours son graduated and had a party. The kicker was it was being held at my xmom's mother in laws house. The reason being was this boy had done yard work for her over the years and it was her graduation gift to him. Our friends knew that it might be an issue but my husband and I stewed about it for awhile - knowing that for my husband the location might be a trigger (last time we were there we all were hanging out and boating together) and it is her home. So I spoke with the parents and wanted to be sure that the mother in law knew we were invited and I stated I wasn't sure what we would do but in the end it was about their son and no one else. They ended up talking with her and she said she assumed we would be and said we were welcome at her home. We did go, she greeted me - she put out her hand and then I hugged her. It was brief but cordial. She was much warmer to my daughter and husband but that was to be expected. Her son (Who is in his thirties) was there helping with food - he did not speak to me but that's okay. We got through it, albeit a bit uncomfortable. I had been told that xmom's mother and father would be there helping with the food but there was no sign of them. I kind of think they might have helped her get it ready and then left knowing we would be there. The second thing that happened was I was helping my daughter clean out her car (which used to be my husbands) and while cleaning out the glove compartment I came across a little silver charm (it was a chair) and it was still in a little plastic ziplock bag it had come in when it was purchased. I knew what it was right away. It was a charm my husband had bought for his xmow which I discovered right before I confronted him. At the time he said he was getting rid of it. Apparently he stuck it in the glove compartment. I didn't even look at him as he was standing behind me - I just reached my arm in back of me and handed it to him and said "this is yourself". He just said "that's trash" and threw it in the bag. What an interesting and peculiar day. Affairs do suck. Yes, they do suck. Without trying to make an overall judgment, your H is lucky he didn't end up with that charm up his cullo. (Laughing at my own joke, here). Keep doin' the best that you can, lilmiss. 1
BetrayedH Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 Yep. I sometimes encounter mutual acquaintances who aren't aware, and I'm never sure how to handle it. I usually nod and smile, and change the subject. Keep trying, CD.
DKT3 Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 For us its been a long time since. Divorced 5 years and together again. I'm just looking forward to the day that I don't look at her at some point and think about what she had done. Its better then it was but not where I would like it to be. I'm trying, I've gotten better at quickly pushing the thoughts away be there still there EVERYDAY. Its been a tough week, she was away in NYC buying dresses and she didn't answer my call at 11pm. It triggered me, she called back in less then a minute but it was too late my mind was off and I couldn't reel it back in. She knew I had triggered and she tried to reassure me. Just hoping for that day when the thoughts don't come. 1
NotCamelot Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 The worst thing is that we all don't know just how bad they do suck....until after. Keep looking forward. Living in the past is like trying to row your boat with the anchor down. 1
Trustnoone Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 DKT3 I can relate to not answering the phone. It would take a day for my mind to stop racing. I hate this. Seeing your five years out and my d-day was January 20th, I can see the fun I'll be having.
Author lilmisscantbewrong Posted June 3, 2014 Author Posted June 3, 2014 DKT3 I can relate to not answering the phone. It would take a day for my mind to stop racing. I hate this. Seeing your five years out and my d-day was January 20th, I can see the fun I'll be having. As you can see we are a few years out as well. There is truth in that it takes 2-5 years to recover - and even then it is still there - a sort of dull ache. It does take time - a lot of time. 1
gettingstronger Posted June 4, 2014 Posted June 4, 2014 Not sure if this is OT-but yesterday we were having a talk with our teen about his attitude-my husband was on a bit of a jag about what a great Mom I am and how our son should respect me for everything I do, etc.... our son just looked at him and smirked and said "respect huh?"....stopped us all cold in our tracks-while I agree that our son needs to be respectful of not only me but his Father as well-it was clear he sees his Dad as the biggest hypocrite in the world-it was a long, restless night of sleep for my husband as he continues to process the fall out of his decisions- 2
Author lilmisscantbewrong Posted June 4, 2014 Author Posted June 4, 2014 Not sure if this is OT-but yesterday we were having a talk with our teen about his attitude-my husband was on a bit of a jag about what a great Mom I am and how our son should respect me for everything I do, etc.... our son just looked at him and smirked and said "respect huh?"....stopped us all cold in our tracks-while I agree that our son needs to be respectful of not only me but his Father as well-it was clear he sees his Dad as the biggest hypocrite in the world-it was a long, restless night of sleep for my husband as he continues to process the fall out of his decisions- It's not off topic - it is part of the "gift that keeps giving". It is hard to process for a kid. My parents were going through a ton of shi.t when my siblings and I were young. Just as a side note they should have split up then, but no, dad decided to stick it out for "the kids". Big mistake (for us and them). It only caused more problems. But I guess what I am trying to say is that at the time and even later my dad and my mom both used us as sounding boards - it was horrible. My mom had had an affair and when dad had finally had enough (10 years later) he made the decision to divorce and it was the right one ( he made mistakes too). But here is the thing - my dad owned his mistakes and never made excuses for them. My mom, however, still refuses to be in the same room as my dad and step mom and it has been over twenty years! She only speaks about what HE did and never acknowledges any of her part in it. This is where respect is lost. I love my mom but I have little respect because she continues to wallow in the past and doesn't ever admit she contributed to the downfall of the marriage. If your husband continues to rebuild trust and integrity - no matter what happens - eventually your son will see it and come to understand everyone is human - everyone makes mistakes (he will too) - it is how we deal with them and how we grow from them. My youngest daughter is 17 and she told me the other day how proud she was of me for standing up through this entire ordeal and applauds both my husband and myself for continuing to fight through it all. She has lived it and it hasn't been pretty at times, but she is a very smart and intelligent young woman. Our family as a whole has a greater amount of compassion for others in similar situations now - my daughter even mentors kids at school going through similar things. 3
Trustnoone Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Lilmisscantbewrong 2-5 years and the pain doesn't go away??!!! If my WW wasn't making all the right moves I would have been gone. WW is trying very hard to make this right. That's the only reason I agreed to reconcile. WW's AP was her co-worker who spoke to me at least twice a week. AP no longer works for the same company but to act like a friend when he saw me makes me rage even now. Someday I should post my story but the pain is still a little raw. Sorry you are here and the pain you have endured.
Author lilmisscantbewrong Posted June 5, 2014 Author Posted June 5, 2014 Lilmisscantbewrong 2-5 years and the pain doesn't go away??!!! If my WW wasn't making all the right moves I would have been gone. WW is trying very hard to make this right. That's the only reason I agreed to reconcile. WW's AP was her co-worker who spoke to me at least twice a week. AP no longer works for the same company but to act like a friend when he saw me makes me rage even now. Someday I should post my story but the pain is still a little raw. Sorry you are here and the pain you have endured. My husband feels the same. My XAP was his friend as well. He lamented not too long ago "XMOM was my friend and he never even apologized". I can only tell you where we are (and what I have seen). I think you can rebuild, I think you can have a different/new relationship. But there isn't any way to erase it all. It still is a part of your past - and because we are human there will always be things that will bring that part of your past to your current memory. It gets better, but it doesn't go away completely. I could be on a cloud and it wouldn't go away completely. However, you can train your thoughts and redirect them. This is something that takes time. Believe me your story is probably a very familiar one to many of us. What's that song? "It's all been done before". Same here. I'm sorry you are hurting - I really and truly am.
Spectre Posted June 5, 2014 Posted June 5, 2014 Indeed it is the gift the keeps on given. Or it is sort of like the std that never goes away. This is why people need to stop and think before they cheat. 1
Trustnoone Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 Lilmisscantbewrong WW's AP kept telling my wife how shocked he was that I wasn't attracted to her!! Are you kidding me?!! Why do you think I married her?! I can't believe WW fell for this crap. I found out the affair ended (by WW) in January of 2011. AP tried to continue the affair but WW denied him. I can't help thinking why she didn't deny him six months earlier? MC has been brutal on me. I'm not one for feeling warm and tingly all over by discussing emotions or my personal life. I began posting here as I haven't told anybody of the affair. I found this has had devastating effects on me. No hope or desire to live. I had an individual session with our MC and she helped me very much considering how I felt. I can only hope my decision is correct and I don't trade the pain of reconciliation for the pain of divorce. Sometimes I feel that I am making a mistake but I'm terrible at deflecting my thoughts and I go downhill from there. I have much to learn about this process but my goal is to overcome this ordeal. The pain is sometimes unbearable but I'm still here so I haven't reached the breaking point. Hope I never do. Prayers to you.
Author lilmisscantbewrong Posted June 6, 2014 Author Posted June 6, 2014 Lilmisscantbewrong WW's AP kept telling my wife how shocked he was that I wasn't attracted to her!! Are you kidding me?!! Why do you think I married her?! I can't believe WW fell for this crap. I found out the affair ended (by WW) in January of 2011. AP tried to continue the affair but WW denied him. I can't help thinking why she didn't deny him six months earlier? MC has been brutal on me. I'm not one for feeling warm and tingly all over by discussing emotions or my personal life. I began posting here as I haven't told anybody of the affair. I found this has had devastating effects on me. No hope or desire to live. I had an individual session with our MC and she helped me very much considering how I felt. I can only hope my decision is correct and I don't trade the pain of reconciliation for the pain of divorce. Sometimes I feel that I am making a mistake but I'm terrible at deflecting my thoughts and I go downhill from there. I have much to learn about this process but my goal is to overcome this ordeal. The pain is sometimes unbearable but I'm still here so I haven't reached the breaking point. Hope I never do. Prayers to you. Since I am not one (at least at this point) that has gone from painful reconciliation to divorce I don't know how to advise. I guess, in our case, we had too many years invested to just walk away from it all. That actually might have been easier in some respects (besides the distribution of assets). Working through something like this is probably one of the hardest things I have ever done. I think most will tell you that. Those that tried reconciliation and then divorced can weigh in more accurately and I am sure the feelings are mixed. The one thing that I know is that if we don't survive, we know we will have given it our best shot and I don't think either one of us will regret that. It sounds like you have a good counselor helping you through it all. Please take advantage of that. Hang in there. 1
Spectre Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 Lilmisscantbewrong WW's AP kept telling my wife how shocked he was that I wasn't attracted to her!! Are you kidding me?!! Why do you think I married her?! I can't believe WW fell for this crap. I found out the affair ended (by WW) in January of 2011. AP tried to continue the affair but WW denied him. I can't help thinking why she didn't deny him six months earlier? MC has been brutal on me. I'm not one for feeling warm and tingly all over by discussing emotions or my personal life. I began posting here as I haven't told anybody of the affair. I found this has had devastating effects on me. No hope or desire to live. I had an individual session with our MC and she helped me very much considering how I felt. I can only hope my decision is correct and I don't trade the pain of reconciliation for the pain of divorce. Sometimes I feel that I am making a mistake but I'm terrible at deflecting my thoughts and I go downhill from there. I have much to learn about this process but my goal is to overcome this ordeal. The pain is sometimes unbearable but I'm still here so I haven't reached the breaking point. Hope I never do. Prayers to you. Yeah, she sure sounds like she knows how to pick em. What prince charming that she cheated on you with.
Trustnoone Posted June 6, 2014 Posted June 6, 2014 Spectre Yeah her AP was something else. Told her many lies, but she fell for it just the same. I spoke to her AP by phone and in person. On the phone he was a coward and spoke sheepishly. In person was the conversation I enjoyed, wouldn't stand within six feet of me without an object between us. Nervously looking around and squirming. After three minutes of talking to him he broke down crying and had a hard time catching his breath. He is a male but far from a man. I ended the conversation telling him to go home to his wife and be a man to help her through this turmoil. To this day I don't think he understands the damage caused by him and my WW. In fact he never will. Limisscantbewrong Thank you for your kind words. You are correct that our MC is good. As a matter of fact I have told her I don't think we could find anyone better. MC is also just as good with WW. WW cheated in our 15th year of marriage. We celebrated our eighteenth year and three days after I knew she cheated but it wasn't confirmed. Since the affair had ended I had nothing to look for. This was April and May of 2013. January 20th was our d-day. I believe reconciliation is the best route for me personally at the moment. You are correct that this is hard work. Incredibly hard. I will give this everything I have to make it work. Stay strong. I hope the best for you. 1
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