mutant Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 I have read many threads on here that have offered me invaluable insight on how not to be a doormat. My last four year relationship which ended two years ago was quite a horrid experience. Come to think of it, I was 50% responsible for making it such. The pain I suffered during that relationship could have been abated if I had learnt these key lessons. 1. Be nice to everyone, not just the girls/girlfriend but everyone in your life from family members to colleagues. 2. Keep your boundaries and don't put up with BS whether from friends, girls or whomever. 3. When interested in a girl romantically, make it clear from the very start and behave in a romantic way by being touchy etc. Don't start out as a friend because you'll be setting yourself up for disappointment and pain. As for your friends who happen to be of the opposite sex let them remain friends. 4. Keep your options open even when dating. Let whoever your dating think that there are other options waiting on the sidelines if she decides to take the long walk. 5. Don't ever appear as needy, clingy or boring. keep yourself busy, improve yourself and attend social events as much as possible. 6. Be ready to walk away at any stage of your relationship whenever you see red flags. Don't give people time to reform or change, it's simply not possible. When a relationship is not headed the direction you want leave promptly. also be comfortable with yourself when single. Lastly it's quite easy to revert into being a doormat. It's easy to slip back into your former self but always remember that you can only contribute 50% to a successful relationship and the rest is out of your control. I have found myself do things/ say things that I had previously swore never to do/say. The key is to constantly remind yourself what you got to do to stay happy and always redeem yourself promptly. I have been hugely successful since I started applying this newly-acquired knowledge.
Frank2thepoint Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 4. Keep your options open even when dating. Let whoever your dating think that there are other options waiting on the sidelines if she decides to take the long walk. This can backfire on you. Good natured people, with genuine interest, do not want to hear that they are easily replaceable. You don't build a rapport that way. 6. Be ready to walk away at any stage of your relationship whenever you see red flags. Don't give people time to reform or change, it's simply not possible. When a relationship is not headed the direction you want leave promptly. also be comfortable with yourself when single. If you have built a bond with someone, you don't just drop the person as soon as they do something that doesn't sit well with you. Unless it's something big such as cheating, lying, insults, etc.. You have to communicate your desires and disapproval with the other person, and compromise on something. Overall a good post, very helpful. Setting boundaries, having self-respect, and enjoying your time being when single instead of dreading it, are key to having a healthy existence. 1
iiiii Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 What Frank2 said. Overall an awesome post. But would I also disagree with point 6 - maybe it's just how you've phrased it. At some point, you've got to decide you value and trust your partner enough to make the leap and commit to working things through. I don't mean you shouldn't ever leave - no one should have to tolerate things like abuse or infidelity from a partner. But a partner perpetually prepared to bail at the first sign of trouble isn't someone worth committing to.
Priv Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 I never really got the whole thing about the problem of being a doormat as in letting someone walking all over you. Them taking advantage of the fact that you have given them your heart by becoming a using b*tch/a**hole is a major character flaw. But not on the 'doormat', but on the one taking advantage of that. I mean; do you really want to be with a person who goes as far as you let them till you break? Testing you? Using you? Only because they can due to you loving them.... This whole doormat thing needs to be turned around.
ponchsox Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 (edited) I don't agree with point 6 at all. Overcoming obstacles in relationships as a couple by openly communicating and being up front is a major step towards a long thriving relationship. Bailing after the first sign of trouble means there wasn't a foundation to begin with. I also don't agree with point 4. When I decide to pursue a relationship, I'm fully committed to that person. Women can sense if you are treating them as a backup option. If you want to just date and be a player, that's a different story. Edited June 2, 2014 by ponchsox 1
Author mutant Posted June 2, 2014 Author Posted June 2, 2014 This can backfire on you. Good natured people, with genuine interest, do not want to hear that they are easily replaceable. You don't build a rapport that way. What I mean is that you should be ready to meet other people from time to time and maintain close friendship with them. Always give your partner the attention they deserve but keep friends of the opposite sex. If you have built a bond with someone, you don't just drop the person as soon as they do something that doesn't sit well with you. Unless it's something big such as cheating, lying, insults, etc.. You have to communicate your desires and disapproval with the other person, and compromise on something. exactly what I meant. It is very easy for one to hang on even after there is sufficient evidence of cheating or lying, disrespect etc. These are clear red flags in any relationship and you should be ready to walk away in a heartbeat. In most scenarios that's the best course of action but people find it easier to hang on even when the person is not apologetic/ willing to change. I don't agree with point 6 at all. Overcoming obstacles in relationships as a couple by openly communicating and being up front is a major step towards a long thriving relationship. Bailing after the first sign of trouble means there wasn't a foundation to begin with. Overcoming obstacles can help a relationship grow exponentially however you need to evaluate if the obstacle in question is worth overcoming especially if it relates to the other person's character/personality that had been concealed from the very start.
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