NC-Thomas Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 (edited) Hi LS, First and foremost I really must say this community gave me a lot of knowlegde and advice to work with, thanks so much! I have been in a relationship for 2 years and we broke up one month ago, she did actually. Afterwards we held contact for about two weeks, in the end we decided we should meet up, but we didnt because I had two busy weeks with courses at work (at which I also did NC). So after one month she started to contact me again, asking how my weeks have been. I broke NC because we were going to meet, and we did (after some declines from her side, due to her mom visiting her). Then we planned our first gettogether, i arranged a simple picknick in the park and we drank some wine afterwards in a local cafe. It was really great... and it turned out she really liked it. Two days later she texted me something casual, how I liked the date and such. I called her back and told her i liked it, but that I would like to know where we stand and if we were going to remain in contact. (i know this seems needy and desperate, but for me it was either going back to complete NC or dating start again, no breadcrumb BS). She told me she wasnt really ready yet, but had a very good time on our first date! Still she said she didnt had the courage to try again, and was still hurt and had to regain her trust in our relationship. In my opinion the only way to regain this is to start dating again! But she really thinks we would fall back into arguing, which she is really unable to handle right now. So she said we could meet up again... but that for her it was clear that she couldnt really give anything more (right now) than meeting again casually. I told her on the phone she was free to arrange another meeting whenever she was ready for it and whenever that may be... How there are two things I can do: 1. go back into NC and start healing again and wait her out, untill she is ready to FULLY commit and WANT to reconcile again 2. take my shots and contact her for that second date and hope things turn out OK! Maybe there is something left to work with... even though it isnt the 100% i wished for, rather like 20%. I want to regain her trust. What I have learned so far: 1. NC gave me strength and power back 2. Breaking NC early on takes you back into the spiral maze and messes you up bigtime 3. Never go after an ex that is not fully ready or motivated to 'try' again 4. Never BEG, PLEAD or CONVINCE her to try, it will only activate the part of the brain that said 'no, this is not what i want' 5. PATIENCE is A VIRTUE. Personally, if I would have started over again, I would remain in NC for a longer period and let her do the work, instead of me. Cause obviously she isnt ready to commit on a full-scale. Two things I can do now: 1 . Should I take my chances with a person that wants to commit for 25%, is filled with doubt but has some hope and love for me left? OR 2. Wait it out while in NC and see in the long term whether she will come back on her own in time (or not)? Risky, because "out of sight out of mind..." Edited June 2, 2014 by NC-Thomas
Marco Valerio Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Hi !!! I think you should go NC. Why? When someone wants to be in a RS he/she knows it, there's no doubts of it. Are you willing to be in a RS where you might be afraid of her dumping you again in any moment? for sure you don't. Give her the space she needs and look for someone that wants to commit 100% like you do. 3
Author NC-Thomas Posted June 2, 2014 Author Posted June 2, 2014 Hi !!! I think you should go NC. Why? When someone wants to be in a RS he/she knows it, there's no doubts of it. Are you willing to be in a RS where you might be afraid of her dumping you again in any moment? for sure you don't. Give her the space she needs and look for someone that wants to commit 100% like you do. Thanks for replying! What do you mean with RS? I think NC is a good alternative, but I might lose all my chances with her in the longer term. I could be able to regain her trust by just dating her casually, even though she is not 100% committed, she could be later on, when I show her that it can work!
Marco Valerio Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Hi, RS means relationship. You are not loosing your chances to be with her. You should fight and do whatever you can for someone that loves you and wants to be with you. The only thing you are doing right now is loosing yourself in the RS you used to have. A RS is supported by two members, if one of the members is not or doesn't want to be in the RS anymore...there's nothing you can do. You should give her the chance to miss you, and if she really wants you back, she will fight for you as you are willing to do for her. You can't change how she feels towards you, don't try it...let her be and decide for herself. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 You should go No Contact, but to move forward. You didn't go on a date -- you went on a friendly outing in her mind. She's fine with being your friend until she finds something better. It's clear that she's lukewarm at best about you and you chasing her and trying to date her basically makes you look like a desperate chump. Go No Contact, but don't wait her out. Go to recover and get yourself back. It's up to her to pursue you if she chooses, not vice versa. And there's nothing you can do to bring that about, all you can do is screw yourself. And if you continue to try to clumsily "date" her, that's exactly what you'll do. But yeah, leave her alone and get your s--t together. 1
Summerrose2013 Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 if you can't go NC, low LOW contact, i.e not more than once a week. BUT get out there and start dating other people and making other plans and meeting new people - how do you know she isn't doing the same - do you want to be her back up plan??. Unless you see a friendship forming, make it very clear to her, that she should only contact you if she wants to try and work things out. tell her the door is open but only for a RS, not a friendship, then back right off.....one think I learned is that everything you need to do is counter intuitive!!! What you think you should do - DO the OPPOSITE.
mangetout Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 OP she is still into you. This is far from over. But I would go NC for a length of time so that she misses you. Then her commit will change.
No Limit Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 1 . Should I take my chances with a person that wants to commit for 25%, is filled with doubt but has some hope and love for me left? She doesn't love you, she makes you think that she loves you. So no, I wouldn't go back.
Zahara Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 So she said we could meet up again... but that for her it was clear that she couldnt really give anything more (right now) than meeting again casually. This indicates that she is not fully ready. Two things I can do now: 1 . Should I take my chances with a person that wants to commit for 25%, is filled with doubt but has some hope and love for me left? The answer to your question above is stated in your quote below. Take the lesson that you learnt and move forward with NC. What I have learned so far: 3. Never go after an ex that is not fully ready or motivated to 'try' again
Chi townD Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 NC didn't screw you over because you were never TRULY in NC. NC is a tool for us. It's a tool to help us heal and move on from a relationship. It should never be used as a way to try and get our Ex's back in hopes that they miss us so much that they'll do anything to get us back. This rarely ever works. You said it yourself. You're trying to get with a girl that you said is only about 25% dedicated in any kind of relationship with you. Well, what kind of people only dedicate someone to 25% of themselves? Hi Mr. Friend Zone!!!! Look, she broke up with you. Therefore, you need to look at it rather harshly. She made the decision to have you out of her life. She made the choice to kick you to the curb. She fired you and stated that your services as a boyfriend are no longer required. Therefore, you give her what she asked for. And that is you being gone. Go back to my being fired reference. If you get fired from a actual job, do you go back on Monday and work for free? NO! You dust off that resume and go find another job! So, go into NC and start making positive changes in your life. 4
lauri Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 I hate to say this to you but you are screwing yourself over, not NC. Every time you respond to her and hang out with her you dig yourself deeper into a hole you won't be able to get out of. What has changed over the last few months being away from each other? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Do you think by being around it'll make her miss you and regret her decision? All you are doing is validating her feelings and making her feel okay about herself because you seem okay with the breakup. You are the ultimate anti-challenge for her. She knows she can have you at the blink of an eye and loves that she can date other guys at the same time while you're waiting in the background for her. You are a backup plan. She should be the one WORKING for you, trying to FIX things. If you really want to have any chance of EVER getting back with her (I'm afraid to say I've seen this story too many time and chances are you wont), then you need to disappear and give her what she wants. Remember dude, she broke up with you and breaking up with someone isn't a joke. It means she should get what she asked for and stop making her feel better about herself. Do you think her breaking up with you was okay? If not, why are you still talking to her and hanging out with her then? 1
Michael 93 Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 NC didn't screw you over because you were never TRULY in NC. NC is a tool for us. It's a tool to help us heal and move on from a relationship. It should never be used as a way to try and get our Ex's back in hopes that they miss us so much that they'll do anything to get us back. This rarely ever works. You said it yourself. You're trying to get with a girl that you said is only about 25% dedicated in any kind of relationship with you. Well, what kind of people only dedicate someone to 25% of themselves? Hi Mr. Friend Zone!!!! Look, she broke up with you. Therefore, you need to look at it rather harshly. She made the decision to have you out of her life. She made the choice to kick you to the curb. She fired you and stated that your services as a boyfriend are no longer required. Therefore, you give her what she asked for. And that is you being gone. Go back to my being fired reference. If you get fired from a actual job, do you go back on Monday and work for free? NO! You dust off that resume and go find another job! So, go into NC and start making positive changes in your life. @Chi townD God Damn Chi, How many examples do you actually have!?:lmao: Your metaphors are craaaaazzzyyyy! 1
Chi townD Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 @Chi townD God Damn Chi, How many examples do you actually have!?:lmao: Your metaphors are craaaaazzzyyyy! Crazy good? Or as in crazy enough that you need professional help? 1
Author NC-Thomas Posted June 2, 2014 Author Posted June 2, 2014 (edited) Thank you for your insights, I can't believe how helpful this is in gaining a true perspective of the matter. I'm currently just blind to everything that makes sense, being in this emotional roller-coaster. I think breaking NC early and meeting with my ex on such an early notice was a mistake and definitely hurt my chances of ever getting together again. Does this make sense? Last but not least, i still have some stuff at her place, i don't need it right away. I definitely don't want to get it now, cause it will probably hurt like hell to see her. I can always get it later, plus its a reason to meet when things are settled down a bit, like in a month or two (no I don't have any expectations, but I absolutely don't want to drive to her place as I would probably vomit. However I don't really want to meet her in two months as well...). I started NC today, so i don't want to meet up soon. What is your perspective on this ? Edited June 2, 2014 by NC-Thomas
lauri Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 (edited) Thank you for your insights, I can't believe how helpful this is in gaining a true perspective of the matter. I'm currently just blind to everything that makes sense, being in this emotional roller-coaster. I think breaking NC early and meeting with my ex on such an early notice was a mistake and definitely hurt my chances of ever getting together again. Does this make sense? Last but not least, i still have some stuff at her place, i don't need it right away. I definitely don't want to get it now, cause it will probably hurt like hell to see her. I can always get it later, plus its a reason to meet when things are settled down a bit, like in a month or two (no I don't have any expectations, but I absolutely don't want to drive to her place as I would probably vomit. However I don't really want to meet her in two months as well...). I started NC today, so i don't want to meet up soon. What is your perspective on this ? Arg, no man. This means you're going to hold onto the excuse of seeing her later on. Get a friend of yours to pick up your stuff and make her realize you are moving on and no longer want to see her anymore. The longer she holds onto your stuff the more likely she is to be able to draw you back in and get you to come over so she can have that whole "closure" talk to make herself feel better. She does not need / deserve that. All you are doing is setting yourself up to make her feel better and not caring about how YOU will feel after it all said and done. I think you need to close the door completely on this and see if she comes back to you on her hands and knees begging for you two to get back together. Send her a message saying "Hi, on [this date] at [time], my friend [name] will be coming over to pick up my stuff. Please make sure you are around for him to grab all of my things. Thanks." end. If she is looking to fix things in the future she will. Keeping your clothes there or not will not change anything. Edited June 2, 2014 by lauri 5
BC1980 Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Thank you for your insights, I can't believe how helpful this is in gaining a true perspective of the matter. I'm currently just blind to everything that makes sense, being in this emotional roller-coaster. I think breaking NC early and meeting with my ex on such an early notice was a mistake and definitely hurt my chances of ever getting together again. Does this make sense? Last but not least, i still have some stuff at her place, i don't need it right away. I definitely don't want to get it now, cause it will probably hurt like hell to see her. I can always get it later, plus its a reason to meet when things are settled down a bit, like in a month or two (no I don't have any expectations, but I absolutely don't want to drive to her place as I would probably vomit. However I don't really want to meet her in two months as well...). I started NC today, so i don't want to meet up soon. What is your perspective on this ? Send someone else to get the stuff. The quicker the better. 1
movingonnow1 Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Do you have a friend who can pick up your stuff? As suggested earlier, do it as soon as possible.
Author NC-Thomas Posted June 2, 2014 Author Posted June 2, 2014 Thanks guys, just asked a good friend of mine and im taking care of it asap. You have been of great help! I hope i can do the same for others, as like you have done for me.
Trimmer Posted June 2, 2014 Posted June 2, 2014 Aarrgh... this is destined to continue to be a CF because you are using NC as a tool to try to manipulate the relationship, and it doesn't do a good job of that at all. Chi townD says it well: NC didn't screw you over because you were never TRULY in NC. NC is a tool for us. It's a tool to help us heal and move on from a relationship. It should never be used as a way to try and get our Ex's back in hopes that they miss us so much that they'll do anything to get us back. This rarely ever works. NC is for when you have decided you need to END the relationship forever, and it's time to move forward. Not for when you are trying to make an impression on the other person. And I would suggest that advice like the following - which sounds good and concrete - just confuses the issue: Get a friend of yours to pick up your stuff and make her realize you are moving on and no longer want to see her anymore. Pretending to be in NC to "make her realize" anything is not moving on - if you think that playing these games will advance your interests in the relationship then good luck, but this is not "NC". I think you need to close the door completely on this and see if she comes back to you on her hands and knees begging for you two to get back together. If you are waiting to see if she comes back, then you are not "closing the door completely" on the relationship. If and when you decide to end the relationship for good - and not just pretend to do so to have some effect on her - then come back for some NC advice. Otherwise, don't turn it on and off every few days as part of a game, and then complain that "it" screwed you over. 1
Author NC-Thomas Posted June 3, 2014 Author Posted June 3, 2014 (edited) God, I just contacted her to get my stuff back (just: "a friend is coming next monday to pick my stuff, will you be at home?" Instead of her just replying "YES, thats ok" she send me the following: "I've been thinking about our last phone call, I can see you really tried hard and i appreciate that. I felt comfortable meeting with you last time, but my doubt are still there. The fact that I have so many doubts tell's me its not OK. One month is too short for me to continue our relationship and will probably result in some stress and unrest, which I don't want. I will never say never, but lets give each-other some space and rest and continue with our lives> If we are meant to be, we will be." First and foremost, I do not want to be desperate and needy! But besides going full NC, is there any way I can take her doubt away? (without pleading, begging or convincing). I have made some changes in the last 1.5 month as well. And I know where our problems lie and how we can fix them. I feel I havent even been given a fair shot at this, which really frustrates me beyond anything. Im hearing many things for the first time. I want to reply as following, being as polite but also showing her that im moving on: "I understand your feelings and I am willing to give you space and time, meanwhile im going on with my life. If there is any way I can take your doubts away I would like to know. Anyway monday evening is ok" Edited June 3, 2014 by NC-Thomas
RDawg Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 There is nothing you can do to take her doubts away. She doesn't want you, she is wishy washy and all over the show. Just get your stuff and go total No Contact. She is just stringing you along with false hope. Go find a woman who actually wants to be with you. 1
jphcbpa Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 God, I just contacted her to get my stuff back (just: "a friend is coming next monday to pick my stuff, will you be at home?" Instead of her just replying "YES, thats ok" she send me the following: "I've been thinking about our last phone call, I can see you really tried hard and i appreciate that. I felt comfortable meeting with you last time, but my doubt are still there. The fact that I have so many doubts tell's me its not OK. One month is too short for me to continue our relationship and will probably result in some stress and unrest, which I don't want. I will never say never, but lets give each-other some space and rest and continue with our lives> If we are meant to be, we will be." First and foremost, I do not want to be desperate and needy! But besides going full NC, is there any way I can take her doubt away? (without pleading, begging or convincing). I have made some changes in the last 1.5 month as well. And I know where our problems lie and how we can fix them. I feel I havent even been given a fair shot at this, which really frustrates me beyond anything. Im hearing many things for the first time. I want to reply as following, being as polite but also showing her that im moving on: "I understand your feelings and I am willing to give you space and time, meanwhile im going on with my life. If there is any way I can take your doubts away I would like to know. Anyway monday evening is ok" There is NOTHING you can do. Her mind is made up. Out of your hands. PLEASE know that her saying, " I will never say never" is just her being nice. DO NOT fall into the mind set that this is an open door. ERASE this from your mind. It will only serve to hold you back and give you false hope. This will play tricks on you, trust me. You do not need to "show" her anything. You need to get your stuff and move on ASAP. No more talking...action. Just reply keeping it ONLY about your stuff. Nothing more, nothing less. "I am willing to give you" STOP with this...you have been giving enough. GIVE yourself some peace and serenity NOW!!!
Author NC-Thomas Posted June 3, 2014 Author Posted June 3, 2014 Thanks guys, I guess I just needed a wake-up call. Its so easy to slip into this emotional state of neediness again... Still i texted her i wanted to try again and think i deserve a chance etc etc. But she was firm about her decision. So i told her: "take your time and space, im moving on and I won't be contacting you anymore. I also expect you to not contact me for a while, only if you have serious means. take care"
jphcbpa Posted June 3, 2014 Posted June 3, 2014 Thanks guys, I guess I just needed a wake-up call. Its so easy to slip into this emotional state of neediness again... Still i texted her i wanted to try again and think i deserve a chance etc etc. But she was firm about her decision. So i told her: "take your time and space, im moving on and I won't be contacting you anymore. I also expect you to not contact me for a while, only if you have serious means. take care" dude...seriously STOP and listen to what we are saying. "take your time" F that BS. That is soooo weak. 1
Author NC-Thomas Posted June 3, 2014 Author Posted June 3, 2014 dude...seriously STOP and listen to what we are saying. "take your time" F that BS. That is soooo weak. Choosing my own path doesn't mean I have to be a dick to her. I just want to end my relationship in a proper way. I'm not counting on any future with her, but if so, i don't want it to be spoiled by being a senseless dick about it. Im just being polite.
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