AJLeeFan123 Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 I took peoples advice regarding this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/479389-am-i-wrong I had a talk with him last night saying that I want to do those things to show him I appreciate him. He was a little taken back by me saying he was controlling. He said that he doesn't control me, I can do those things, but he said he doesn't want me to do it, because and I quote "I'm a grown man, I can fend for myself, My mother cooked and cleaned for me when I was young and that is what he feels when I do it" He doesn't want to be taken care of because he's a man. So from that discussion I was a little hurt that he compared me to a mother role. But he said regarding to not letting me give him oral or handjobs, that "it's his body, if you (meaning me) don't like or want me to do something, I don't do it, and that I should give him the same respect". I asked him why he doesn't want to let me do that, and he hesitated for a long time and then said "I'm his girlfriend and he doesn't want me to do those things because I'm a lady and he feels that he would be degrading me by that" I said it doesn't but he couldn't look past that and I called him selfish because he won't let me give back. He said that He's being selfless, and that I am blaming him for showing me respect and treating me as a lady. He doesn't want me to do that and that he respects my wishes in the bedroom and then he walked out as it became an argument. I'm very annoyed now, Should I apologize or am I right. I feel like due to the hesitation that wasn't the truth or is half of the truth and there is something he isn't telling me
DArtagnan2 Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 (edited) omg. I mean no disrespect, but you are not respecting his wants when it comes to sex. He doesn't like or want a blow job or hand job. For whatever reason he doesn't want it. Does that warrant an inquisition? Lack of trust? or for him or his situation to be over analyzed from you or anyone? really? Sure, you may be disappointed as that is one way for you to show him you care, but he doesn't want that kind of reciprocation. For you to continue to push the subject, question him on it and then analyze his behavior, simply because he doesn't want you to blow him, shows a little disrespect, in my opinion. I have dated girls who didn't want me to go down on them. I didn't want them to blow me either. I respected them, they respected me. It wasn't an issue, well except for the last girl I tried to date. She was much like you with the probing, acting upset, questioning me, wondering what happened to me before that would not want me to have her blow me. yes, she insinuated I was inappropriately touched when I was younger. WTF? She even forcefully would grab me, consistently when we got close, kissing or doing other things and get mad if I didn't let her go much further. its disrespectful and borderline mentally not right. When it comes to this, its the same rules for guys as it is for girls, Please respect his wishes. His hesitation in answering you, while could be looked at as him trying to hide something, most likely was so he can form his words so to be sure to not offend you. Or maybe, he feels exasperated with telling you his reasons. So he took a moment to compose himself and not show you his frustration with your probing and pushing about this subject. As for the cleaning and whatnot, he probably does appreciate it. But that doesn't mean he expects you to come to his place to clean. his excuse for that, sounds a bit immature and most likely, he doesn't know how to express that when you come over, while he appreciates it, he doesn't want you to have to feel like you need to do it. Give the guy a break. He seems to be decent and caring about your feelings and the relationship. Don't look for stuff that aint there. Edited June 1, 2014 by DArtagnan2
Leeway Harris Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 I agree that you have to respect his wishes. For whatever reason, he's not comfortable letting you do some of the things you want. If those things are really important to you, and you won't feel satisfied without being able to do them, then you two are not well matched as a couple, and you should probably break up. 1
MissionPossible Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 (edited) I took peoples advice regarding this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/479389-am-i-wrong I had a talk with him last night saying that I want to do those things to show him I appreciate him. He was a little taken back by me saying he was controlling. He said that he doesn't control me, I can do those things, but he said he doesn't want me to do it, because and I quote "I'm a grown man, I can fend for myself, My mother cooked and cleaned for me when I was young and that is what he feels when I do it" He doesn't want to be taken care of because he's a man. So from that discussion I was a little hurt that he compared me to a mother role. But he said regarding to not letting me give him oral or handjobs, that "it's his body, if you (meaning me) don't like or want me to do something, I don't do it, and that I should give him the same respect". I asked him why he doesn't want to let me do that, and he hesitated for a long time and then said "I'm his girlfriend and he doesn't want me to do those things because I'm a lady and he feels that he would be degrading me by that" I said it doesn't but he couldn't look past that and I called him selfish because he won't let me give back. He said that He's being selfless, and that I am blaming him for showing me respect and treating me as a lady. He doesn't want me to do that and that he respects my wishes in the bedroom and then he walked out as it became an argument. I'm very annoyed now, Should I apologize or am I right. I feel like due to the hesitation that wasn't the truth or is half of the truth and there is something he isn't telling me Dang, lady, you called him controlling and selfish? That seems pretty uncalled for. It's ok to tell him how the situation makes you feel but resorting to insulting him is not OK - especially when he has his reasons for acting the way he is that don't seem to have anything to do with being controlling or selfish. Personally, I can understand where he is coming from and I agree with his reasoning. There is a natural male/female dynamic to relationships; the man's job is to provide/protect, and the female's job is to be protected and to support her man emotionally and sexually. Yes, I realize this view is unpopular with today's "feminist" ideals, but I think it's ridiculous to pretend as though both genders have the same hardwiring. We don't. He is feeling mothered by you and in his mind that diminishes his masculinity. Would it be possible for you to try a different strategy? First off, I'd apologize to him as I think the way you went about "discussing" it was rather aggressive and a bit mean. Then I'd sit back, let him lead, do it his way for a few weeks and see how you feel about it. You might be surprised. This guy clearly likes you and wants to treat you like a queen - men like that are rare and I'd recommend trying to shift your perspective by viewing it as a positive instead of a negative. Doesn't guarantee anything but it's worth a try. Also, have you heard of the concept of love languages? There are different ways of showing affection - quality time, words, touching, gifts, service to others. Each person tends to gravitate to one or two, without putting much stock in the others. It's quite possible that the way you feel loved is when people do things for you (there's nothing wrong with that), so in turn it's the way that you naturally try to show affection. But if his love language is something totally different, he's not going to receive your actions the way they are intended. There's an online quiz to determine your love language, you could ask him to take it and it will probably enlighten you quite a bit on what you CAN do to make him feel loved without him feeling like he is less of a man. HOWEVER, all that being said….I love going down on my boyfriend! That part of it strikes me as a little weird. It's such an intimate and lovely thing, if he was never going to let me do that for him it would probably be a deal breaker for me eventually. In the end it just depends what you can/can't handle. Best of luck Edited June 1, 2014 by MissionPossible
HeartbrokenNewbie Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 I need this man! lol just enjoy it... sounds like you got off easy!... no pun intended! ;-) x
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