AJLeeFan123 Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 I am currently going out with this guy who seems to me to be too independent. We live together at the moment. He is 21, I'm 20. I am just getting the impression he is too independent. He doesn't ever let me do anything for him. I was staying at his one weekend and I decided while he was out working on Saturday to do some cleaning and cooking. He came back and wasn't glad I had done that. He said "I shouldn't do it because I am not his maid and shouldn't be cleaning up after him" regarding the cooking. Regarding the cooking, he said the same thing, that I shouldn't cook for him, as it is his place, I am his guest, it is his duty as the householder. I felt a bit taken back, as I just wanted to do something nice, he didn't shout or anything and ate the food. This continued as he never wants me to buy him things, he says it is his duty as a man to provide for himself and he doesn't want to take from me, I have money and disposable income, which I'd like to from time to time, spend on him. He doesn't get mad or anything, or break/throw away anything I get for him, he sits me down and has a talk saying, please don't buy me clothes or whatever, he was quite adamant about not buying his clothes, because he wants to be able to dress the way he wants. This is even in the bedroom, he'll go down on me morning, noon and night, but doesn't ever let me return the favor, I said it is a little selfish and we got into an argument, him saying he is not being selfish because he is giving more than he gets and thinks it is wrong I said that, which I don't think so. Am I wrong? I just think he is in and out of the relationship. He'll do things for me when I want and need him to, but I feel he won't let me be a girlfriend to him, if that makes sense
jbelle6 Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 I wouldn't like it, cooking and taking care of a man in those ways is how I show love so I would feel sort of lost if he wouldn't let me. Also, I would be disappointed in the bedroom stuff too, it would make me feel he didn't like the way I do it. Since he likes everything equal, could you not do that at the same time??? I can see why he doesn't want you to buy him stuff though, that can make people uncomfortable if they aren't in a position to reciprocate. He certainly does not sound like a bad guy at all, those traits just wouldn't be compatible with me personally. You just have to decide if they can be compatible with you, you can't change a person.
J21 Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 You should just have a chat with him and let him know how you feel. Tell him you understand where he is coming from. But at the same time you gotta explain doing those things are an expression of appreciation from you. If he isnt' letting you express your gestures for appreciation, it's probably not gonna work out. Tell him being "controlling" (I use this term very loosely) in what you should do/shouldn't do is being selfish--which was the very thing he didn't want to be.
Author AJLeeFan123 Posted May 31, 2014 Author Posted May 31, 2014 I wouldn't like it, cooking and taking care of a man in those ways is how I show love so I would feel sort of lost if he wouldn't let me. Also, I would be disappointed in the bedroom stuff too, it would make me feel he didn't like the way I do it. Since he likes everything equal, could you not do that at the same time??? I can see why he doesn't want you to buy him stuff though, that can make people uncomfortable if they aren't in a position to reciprocate. He certainly does not sound like a bad guy at all, those traits just wouldn't be compatible with me personally. You just have to decide if they can be compatible with you, you can't change a person. That is how I feel, lost. I really enjoy my time with him. He's fun and I am happy around him, it is just these small issues that are recurring.
Author AJLeeFan123 Posted May 31, 2014 Author Posted May 31, 2014 You should just have a chat with him and let him know how you feel. Tell him you understand where he is coming from. But at the same time you gotta explain doing those things are an expression of appreciation from you. If he isnt' letting you express your gestures for appreciation, it's probably not gonna work out. Tell him being "controlling" (I use this term very loosely) in what you should do/shouldn't do is being selfish--which was the very thing he didn't want to be. It isn't that he isn't letting me, I can do them and I think he appreciates it, but since he told me his thoughts and feelings on cleaning for him and cooking for him, I just feel like it is a false appreciation, like I know deep down he doesn't like it and I am making him uncomfortable by doing these little acts, which makes me feel bad for expressing my affection through these acts.
Gaeta Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 My ex boyfriend was like that. When I was at his place he would not let me touch the dirty dishes, I could not even take my dirty plate to the kitchen sink. He was very clear that when I was at his place I was off duty. I slowly got used to it and I started appreciating it. At the end I was so used to it I would just keep him company while he'd clean up and I felt fine with it. When he came to my home I spoiled him a lot, cooked his favourite, made some extra for him to take to his home. I would also bake cakes or pies and bring it for him and his kids. I found a way around his rule that I don't do anything while at his place. As for buying him clothes and things that it completely understandable on his part. Don't spoil a man like this unless it's his birthday or Xmas. The man has his pride and he doesn't want to feel like he's a gigolo. Also, it's not because you have access to unlimited funds that it's ok to spread it on a man. 1
Poppygoodwill Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 (edited) I know why this makes you uncomfortable. It is true that the little things that we do for one another are the ways in which intimacy is created. A relationship really is built on the small things that make you feel at home in each other's presence. He doesn't let you 'take care' of him and so there remains a kind of formality and distance between you. And there is a control mechanism there; as long as he's giving to you, he's in charge of things. Once he has to take from you - sympathy, food, sex, whatever - then he has to give up control and let you steer the ship. There's nothing wrong with that in teh beginning stages of a relationship, but for intimacy to blossom and take root, those formalities have to be given up at some point. As long as there is that distance, you're not really his girlfriend and he's not really your boyfriend. Maybe that's the message he's telling you. Edited May 31, 2014 by Poppygoodwill
Author AJLeeFan123 Posted May 31, 2014 Author Posted May 31, 2014 I know why this makes you uncomfortable. It is true that the little things that we do for one another are the ways in which intimacy is created. A relationship really is built on the small things that make you feel at home in each other's presence. He doesn't let you 'take care' of him and so there remains a kind of formality and distance between you. And there is a control mechanism there; as long as he's giving to you, he's in charge of things. Once he has to take from you - sympathy, food, sex, whatever - then he has to give up control and let you steer the ship. There's nothing wrong with that in teh beginning stages of a relationship, but for intimacy to blossom and take root, those formalities have to be given up at some point. As long as there is that distance, you're not really his girlfriend and he's not really your boyfriend. Maybe that's the message he's telling you. I plan on talking to him tonight, but what you said has opened my eyes, to whether or not we are officially in a relationship, kind of worried now
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