Reached the end

[LittleTiger]

But you look forward to talking to your partner most days surely? And you'd miss him if he was no longer in your life? Does that mean you're dependent too?

I'm extremely busy with my life at the moment and am not sitting around moping, sorry if I gave that impression.

 

Absolutely! I would be completely devastated and broken hearted if he was no longer in my life. Just as you will be when you go NC. Missing an ex-partner and even finding it hard to cope without them is a normal part of breaking up and doesn't in any way make either person dependent.

 

However, there is a huge difference between your relationship and mine HOH. Kiwi man and I are happy! Our relationship works.

 

We had a few rough patches in the beginning that we had to negotiate, but each challenge we came across we faced together. We have both learned to accept the other's foibles, or we've made a huge effort to improve the parts of ourselves that the other really struggled to accept. Four and half years down the line we've reached a very easy and comfortable place. We meet each others needs as well as we can from this distance, we communicate well and we enjoy each other every day. We've been really good for each other and are better people than we were when we first met.

 

I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt, there is no way we would still be together today if any of those initial hiccups still existed in our relationship. We would both have been miserable and would have wanted to end it years ago.

 

That's where the dependency comes in. You've been going round and round in circles for years now. According to your posting history you've been unhappy with some major aspects of your partner's personality and your relationship since October 2010, possibly even before that - and you have broken up twice. You have started twelve threads specifically to talk about how depressed, fed up or dissatisfied you are. You keep hoping that things will change, in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

 

No doubt you had happy times in between, otherwise you wouldn't have stayed, but the same issues have always been there. Staying in a relationship that clearly isn't working, and that makes you feel unhappy so often, suggests a level of dependency.

 

I know we've had our differences over the years HOH, but I do care, and I sincerely hope that you have the strength to break away now. Everybody here wants you to be happy and you have seemed sad and dissatisfied with your relationship for far too long. Your (ex)partner may be a wonderful, kind and caring man, but he isn't the right man for you.

[LittleTiger]

And sorry I'm snappy, emotions are raw as hell right now, I'm sorry I do appreciate your input.

 

Don't worry HOH, I know you're having a tough time with this.

 

I'm aware that you may feel I'm being too harsh. I'm certainly not pulling any punches - but I do have good reason.

 

If you don't get out now, things can only go from bad to worse - and this is the third time you have posted that it's over. If you fall back into your relationship, not only will you suffer emotionally, but you will also lose credibility. Which means that other people (either your friends at home or people on LS) will no longer take you seriously.

 

If you 'cry wolf' too often, the rest of the world will stop listening and I don't want you to experience that kind of rejection on top of everything else you're dealing with.

 

{{{{{HOH}}}}}

[HeavenOrHell]

Thank you for explaining, yes the dependency thing makes sense then.

Maybe my low self esteem too as I put up with more than I should, although strangely if he were to actually be a bastard to me I'd have had no problem with leaving him as I won't put up with that, yet I'll put up with him not being ideal for me in other ways, in ways which don't mean he's a bastard I mean, partly as I genuinely loved him and our times together were special, and partly as I worry I won't click with someone so well, despite our problems, we do click well and are at ease with each other. I know said that after my last break up, but you know yourself that men you feel that way about don't come along too often, especially in our late 40's. And shallow as it sounds, I doubt I'll have a partner as young as him again, he's 7 years younger than me.

Just lots of things I'm going to miss about him/us.

 

I tried for so long to be happy in the here and now, but I missed him too much, but now I've lost him altogether, which feels far worse, it will get easier I know.

 

 

Absolutely! I would be completely devastated and broken hearted if he was no longer in my life. Just as you will be when you go NC. Missing an ex-partner and even finding it hard to cope without them is a normal part of breaking up and doesn't in any way make either person dependent.

 

However, there is a huge difference between your relationship and mine HOH. Kiwi man and I are happy! Our relationship works.

 

We had a few rough patches in the beginning that we had to negotiate, but each challenge we came across we faced together. We have both learned to accept the other's foibles, or we've made a huge effort to improve the parts of ourselves that the other really struggled to accept. Four and half years down the line we've reached a very easy and comfortable place. We meet each others needs as well as we can from this distance, we communicate well and we enjoy each other every day. We've been really good for each other and are better people than we were when we first met.

 

I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt, there is no way we would still be together today if any of those initial hiccups still existed in our relationship. We would both have been miserable and would have wanted to end it years ago.

 

That's where the dependency comes in. You've been going round and round in circles for years now. According to your posting history you've been unhappy with some major aspects of your partner's personality and your relationship since October 2010, possibly even before that - and you have broken up twice. You have started twelve threads specifically to talk about how depressed, fed up or dissatisfied you are. You keep hoping that things will change, in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

 

No doubt you had happy times in between, otherwise you wouldn't have stayed, but the same issues have always been there. Staying in a relationship that clearly isn't working, and that makes you feel unhappy so often, suggests a level of dependency.

 

I know we've had our differences over the years HOH, but I do care, and I sincerely hope that you have the strength to break away now. Everybody here wants you to be happy and you have seemed sad and dissatisfied with your relationship for far too long. Your (ex)partner may be a wonderful, kind and caring man, but he isn't the right man for you.

[soccerrprp]

HOH,

 

Yeah, classic dependency. You've WASTED too many of your precious years with this guy. Don't try to convince yourself that there's anything to salvage or that things weren't as bad as they were for years. THIS TIME, accept it for what it is, for what it has been and MOVE ON.

 

I am sorry that you are going through this.

[LittleTiger]

Thank you for explaining, yes the dependency thing makes sense then.

Maybe my low self esteem too as I put up with more than I should, although strangely if he were to actually be a bastard to me I'd have had no problem with leaving him as I won't put up with that, yet I'll put up with him not being ideal for me in other ways, in ways which don't mean he's a bastard I mean, partly as I genuinely loved him and our times together were special, and partly as I worry I won't click with someone so well, despite our problems, we do click well and are at ease with each other. I know said that after my last break up, but you know yourself that men you feel that way about don't come along too often, especially in our late 40's. And shallow as it sounds, I doubt I'll have a partner as young as him again, he's 7 years younger than me.

Just lots of things I'm going to miss about him/us.

 

I tried for so long to be happy in the here and now, but I missed him too much, but now I've lost him altogether, which feels far worse, it will get easier I know.

 

I reconnected with a childhood friend on Facebook recently. Her father died at the age of 67 and her mother met somebody new - it can happen at any age if you are open to it. Sometimes it's just a matter of timing.

 

Being alone isn't ideal for most people, but it beats being a relationship that makes us unhappy. I would choose 'alone' over the relationship I had in last two years of my marriage - although I would never have said that at the time.

 

It will get better and one day you'll be glad you made the break.

 

We all miss things about our exes, that's human nature, although I'm sure the fact that he's seven years younger won't be uppermost in your mind as time goes on. Who knows though, maybe you'll meet a guy who's ten years younger if it's that important to you. I remember I missed certain physical traits that my ex husband possessed, then I met Kiwi man! He has the best body I've ever had the good fortune to get my hands on! The words 'never in my wildest dreams' come to mind!

 

Nobody can see into the future HOH but at least, now you are single, you have the chance to meet someone who is a much better match. You'll need to give yourself a fair amount of time to recover first but, when you do start 'looking', if I were you I would steer well clear of LDRs!

[TMichaels]

I tried for so long to be happy in the here and now, but I missed him too much, but now I've lost him altogether, which feels far worse, it will get easier I know.

 

I think you'd be much better off if you'd quit thinking about things as *you've lost him* as opposed to the fact HE'S LOST YOU.

 

You hung in there, twisted yourself into pretzel, put up with ridiculous stuff like him letting his ex sleep over in his bed and leaving her jewelry still hanging on the bed post long after their split, preserved through multiple breakups, bouts of doubt, depression, dear and indecision, and finally have had enough.

 

No one can blame you. It's about time you stuck up for yourself. In fact, long overdue.

 

As others have said, you gave it the 'ol college try; let him figure out issues on his own. You're not his mother. If he's that messed up, he needs professional help -- not a relationship.

 

Time for you for reclaim the self-respect this relationship has sucked out of you, HOH. Stick to your guns. Keep busy. Cut the cord. Don't relapse or succumb. You can move on and be happy. The journey begins now.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[HeavenOrHell]

I disagree, it's been far from a waste, because what we had even if not perfect/ideal/was often difficult was also beautiful, special and worth it.

Find it quite insulting you call it a waste, but it wasn't a waste to me and him, and thats what matters.

 

 

 

HOH,

 

Yeah, classic dependency. You've WASTED too many of your precious years with this guy. Don't try to convince yourself that there's anything to salvage or that things weren't as bad as they were for years. THIS TIME, accept it for what it is, for what it has been and MOVE ON.

 

I am sorry that you are going through this.

[HeavenOrHell]

Good post, thank you.

 

I think you'd be much better off if you'd quit thinking about things as *you've lost him* as opposed to the fact HE'S LOST YOU.

 

You hung in there, twisted yourself into pretzel, put up with ridiculous stuff like him letting his ex sleep over in his bed and leaving her jewelry still hanging on the bed post long after their split, preserved through multiple breakups, bouts of doubt, depression, dear and indecision, and finally have had enough.

 

No one can blame you. It's about time you stuck up for yourself. In fact, long overdue.

 

As others have said, you gave it the 'ol college try; let him figure out issues on his own. You're not his mother. If he's that messed up, he needs professional help -- not a relationship.

 

Time for you for reclaim the self-respect this relationship has sucked out of you, HOH. Stick to your guns. Keep busy. Cut the cord. Don't relapse or succumb. You can move on and be happy. The journey begins now.

 

Best,

TMichaels

[HeavenOrHell]

I feel different to when my last r/ship ended when after a few months I wanted to meet someone new, and went on dating sites etc, this time I don't think I will, I'm not sure if it's because I've got used to be on my own and am ok with it mostly, even if I get lonely, loneliness won't kill me, and I have friends, and I'm so busy with orphaned creatures at the moment that I'm bothered either way I have a man in my life now, used to being alone cos of being in an LDR I suppose, I might feel more comfortable alone now, I don't feel a desire to be in another r/ship in time. But not quite sure if this is because I'm jaded and also shielding myself from more possible pain. If I'm single I don't get hurt basically, and I avoid emotional roller coasters, cos I've been on one for 5 or 6 years now, not just with this recent person.

I often asked myself if I stayed with him because I worried I'd be lonely otherwise, but I really don't feel that was way I stayed for so long, it's more that it was because he was the one I wanted to be with, no-one else I wanted. I have never seen the point of staying with someone you don't like enough, or don't get on with, just so you're not lonely, I would more lonely in that situation.

 

No, younger man isn't essentially really, just enjoyed having a younger man

 

Oh trust me I would not touch another LDR with a barge pole!! Unless it's 3 hour max by train or car in the same country! Other than that, then no thanks..

 

I am glad yours is working out, you deserve it, at least one of ours is working out.

 

I don't regret any of it, I don't even regret we kept getting back together as we had some amazing times amongst the difficulties, we shared a lot, had a strong bond, had a laugh together and enjoyed each others' company and the sex was amazing, we have a lot of good memories to be thankful and appreciative of and we gave it our best shot, also made a friend for life, even if I can't be just now, but feel I will be able to in time and he would hate to lose our friendship as well.

 

 

I reconnected with a childhood friend on Facebook recently. Her father died at the age of 67 and her mother met somebody new - it can happen at any age if you are open to it. Sometimes it's just a matter of timing.

 

Being alone isn't ideal for most people, but it beats being a relationship that makes us unhappy. I would choose 'alone' over the relationship I had in last two years of my marriage - although I would never have said that at the time.

 

It will get better and one day you'll be glad you made the break.

 

We all miss things about our exes, that's human nature, although I'm sure the fact that he's seven years younger won't be uppermost in your mind as time goes on. Who knows though, maybe you'll meet a guy who's ten years younger if it's that important to you. I remember I missed certain physical traits that my ex husband possessed, then I met Kiwi man! He has the best body I've ever had the good fortune to get my hands on! The words 'never in my wildest dreams' come to mind!

 

Nobody can see into the future HOH but at least, now you are single, you have the chance to meet someone who is a much better match. You'll need to give yourself a fair amount of time to recover first but, when you do start 'looking', if I were you I would steer well clear of LDRs!

[soccerrprp]

I disagree, it's been far from a waste, because what we had even if not perfect/ideal/was often difficult was also beautiful, special and worth it.

Find it quite insulting you call it a waste, but it wasn't a waste to me and him, and thats what matters.

 

Okay, make it what you will. Apparently, over the years there have been plenty of signs to see that it wasn't working. I suppose we all try to make things into things that it really wasn't. Just b/c there were some nice things within the relationship doesn't make the time lost any better as a whole. I don't apologize for being blunt, but try not to make the relationship more than it really was so that you can finally move on w/o trying find reasons to try to make it work 'again.'

[HeavenOrHell]

It worked well and happily, for the most part, for two years, and then we both found it hard that we couldn't move, and yes we should've split up the first time it became a problem.

But I hoped the closer we became as a couple, the more we were bonding over time I hoped he'd find the courage to move.

I don't think I was thinking it was something it wasn't because all the times we shared together were very real and very wonderful, we both thought of our times together as special, it wasn't a one sided thing if that's the impression you got, so despite it being hard for various reasons the flipside is that the times we had together were amazing, and I enjoyed the closeness we retained when apart, the times I struggled were when he was being emotionally distant, which is usually when he was feeling low or was struggling with the situation.

Many people never get to click with someone in that way, so we found it hard to let go because the time we had was so precious and we loved it, which is why he doesn't find it easy breaking up either. The first time we split he said he was torn, and worried he'd ****ed up something beautiful.

I know what the problems were and how hard it was a lot of the time, but it was still worth it for the times when it was wonderful.

It wasn't constantly not working, that's what made it hard to leave, it would be wonderful and then he'd be distant, or we'd talk about the future and he'd leave, then we'd miss what we had together and get back together again, but for months at a time it could be, and was, great and I felt happy. Bear in mind I usually only posted it when I wasn't happy, if I'd posted all the time I was then it would have balanced things out more.

Our times together and the bond we had made it hard to leave, it isn't easy to leave when you love each other still, ultimately we have split because of the distance, we have talked a lot about it all the last two days and I now fully understand why he can't move, and things make more sense to me now. I was wrong in thinking it was because he didn't care enough about us to move, I wasn't fair on him over that, expected too much from him. I'm not moving there either, but not because I don't care enough, far from it.

We both said yesterday we don't regret it at all.

I think you can only speak for yourself that you'd think of it as lost time, I prefer to look at the positives and think it was worth it because we had many wonderful days/weeks together, I'm so so glad we had that time together, it was very precious and we have a lot of wonderful memories.

 

 

 

Okay, make it what you will. Apparently, over the years there have been plenty of signs to see that it wasn't working. I suppose we all try to make things into things that it really wasn't. Just b/c there were some nice things within the relationship doesn't make the time lost any better as a whole. I don't apologize for being blunt, but try not to make the relationship more than it really was so that you can finally move on w/o trying find reasons to try to make it work 'again.'

[HeavenOrHell]

Also, frankly, we had an incredibly passionate, beautiful, intense sex life, which neither of us had to that extent before, he found it mind blowing as he'd never experienced it like that before, it was a very important part of our r/ship for both of us, and another thing which was hard to let go of, so no I don't regret staying together all that time, at all, I just feel sad we're losing that as well as everything else.

Edited June 2, 2014 by HeavenOrHell

[Els]

Hi HoH. Just read your opening post. Many, many hugs.

 

I think, from what I've read during our time together in these forums, you definitely HAVE put up with far more than most people would. I support people making their own choices, but I have always hoped that you would leave and seek happiness for yourself, as the situation seemed to be bringing you down so much for such a long time.

 

Where do you envision yourself in 10 years' time? Do you really think you could be happy with an indefinite LDR if you stay with him? Please don't go back. It will hurt now but it will hurt worse in 10 years' time if you are still in this situation.

[HeavenOrHell]

In 10 years time I will be nearly 60, I see myself as single and surrounded by animals, and still devoting my time to animal care, I don't see myself having another r/ship.

 

 

 

Hi HoH. Just read your opening post. Many, many hugs.

 

I think, from what I've read during our time together in these forums, you definitely HAVE put up with far more than most people would. I support people making their own choices, but I have always hoped that you would leave and seek happiness for yourself, as the situation seemed to be bringing you down so much for such a long time.

 

Where do you envision yourself in 10 years' time? Do you really think you could be happy with an indefinite LDR if you stay with him? Please don't go back. It will hurt now but it will hurt worse in 10 years' time if you are still in this situation.

[umirano]

Sorry HoH to hear about the rs ending. I've followed your story. But it really wasn't going anywhere given his unwillingness to do anything about the distance. Invest your time into something with potential.

[HeavenOrHell]

Thanks, I was equally as unwilling. Distance/being apart, and the ways it affected us negatively, (made him retreat and me depressed) and fear of such a big move/change finished us.

I've no regrets.

I'm not interested in having another r/ship, I am ok with being single. I'm busy investing my time into other things instead.

 

 

Sorry HoH to hear about the rs ending. I've followed your story. But it really wasn't going anywhere given his unwillingness to do anything about the distance. Invest your time into something with potential.

[pettie]

I am sorry to hear about this, HoH.

You did everything you could for this relationship to work - that's really admirable per se in such a complicated situation.

Hoping better times come soon for you.

[LittleTiger]

In 10 years time I will be nearly 60, I see myself as single and surrounded by animals, and still devoting my time to animal care, I don't see myself having another r/ship.

 

You're hurting at the moment HOH. It's hard to imagine ourselves with someone new in the immediate aftermath of a breakup.....and you're only 48! The chances are you'll be around for another thirty or forty years and you don't strike me as the sort of person who would want to be alone all that time.

 

Besides which, that argument seems counterproductive. If you're really ok being single and you're not going to look for another relationship, then a LD FWB, with no expectations on either side, sounds like an ideal arrangement!

 

VERY VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: Just to make it clear, I strongly recommend and hope (and pray - and I'm not even religious) that you don't go down that route, because you will meet somebody new if you give yourself a chance.

 

Be kind to yourself now. Allow some time for a bit of breathing space and you will probably feel very differently this time next year, if not before.

 

Let's face it, even if you decide you can't be bothered with the hassles of a long term, serious relationship (I can fully understand if you do feel that way!), you will still want to have sex again at some point. Unless you get really lucky and the menopause completely wipes out your sex drive!

 

It's great that you don't have any regrets about the relationship. That means you can move forward without looking back. You did your best and it didn't work - c'est la vie. The most important thing is that you obviously had a lot of fun in the process. If you can also learn something from the experience, about yourself and your needs for the future, then it was definitely a worthwhile experience - regardless of what anybody else thinks.

[HeavenOrHell]

I think I'm more emotionally stable when not in a r/ship, although my very long term r/ship was fine mostly and smooth, it's just I don't feel capable anymore, I've nothing left to give now.

 

In a way I was ok with it being LD, we didn't see ourselves as FWB's though, it was more than that, but it was hard missing a particular person, ie him, if I'm single I don't miss anyone I just get on with life on my own, at least I know what I'm dealing with it and it's less complicated.

 

My sex drive goes when I'm single, I only have one when I'm in a r/ship as my feelings are to do with sex with that person, when I'm single I don't feel sexual, so that's not a problem, I've no need to look for a sexual r/ship, not sure I'd find chemistry like that again anyway.

 

I've cut contact as last night we talked and it felt like everything was normal, which isn't good, but now I keep crying because I've stopped contact.

 

You're hurting at the moment HOH. It's hard to imagine ourselves with someone new in the immediate aftermath of a breakup.....and you're only 48! The chances are you'll be around for another thirty or forty years and you don't strike me as the sort of person who would want to be alone all that time.

 

Besides which, that argument seems counterproductive. If you're really ok being single and you're not going to look for another relationship, then a LD FWB, with no expectations on either side, sounds like an ideal arrangement!

 

VERY VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: Just to make it clear, I strongly recommend and hope (and pray - and I'm not even religious) that you don't go down that route, because you will meet somebody new if you give yourself a chance.

 

Be kind to yourself now. Allow some time for a bit of breathing space and you will probably feel very differently this time next year, if not before.

 

Let's face it, even if you decide you can't be bothered with the hassles of a long term, serious relationship (I can fully understand if you do feel that way!), you will still want to have sex again at some point. Unless you get really lucky and the menopause completely wipes out your sex drive!

 

It's great that you don't have any regrets about the relationship. That means you can move forward without looking back. You did your best and it didn't work - c'est la vie. The most important thing is that you obviously had a lot of fun in the process. If you can also learn something from the experience, about yourself and your needs for the future, then it was definitely a worthwhile experience - regardless of what anybody else thinks.

[LittleTiger]

I think I'm more emotionally stable when not in a r/ship, although my very long term r/ship was fine mostly and smooth, it's just I don't feel capable anymore, I've nothing left to give now.

 

In a way I was ok with it being LD, we didn't see ourselves as FWB's though, it was more than that, but it was hard missing a particular person, ie him, if I'm single I don't miss anyone I just get on with life on my own, at least I know what I'm dealing with it and it's less complicated.

 

My sex drive goes when I'm single, I only have one when I'm in a r/ship as my feelings are to do with sex with that person, when I'm single I don't feel sexual, so that's not a problem, I've no need to look for a sexual r/ship, not sure I'd find chemistry like that again anyway.

 

I've cut contact as last night we talked and it felt like everything was normal, which isn't good, but now I keep crying because I've stopped contact.

 

Of course you have nothing left to give - you've been through an almighty emotional rollercoaster, and I don't mean just the past few days!

 

I think what you're describing about 'ease' of being single is probably a universal thing. Life is definitely less complicated when we have only ourselves to please. Unfortunately though it can get a bit lonely in the longer term. Time will tell of course, but don't cut yourself off just to avoid getting hurt - that would be a tragedy!

 

I'm sorry you're in such a bad place right now. Crying is healthy though - it's just a phase you have to go through.

 

{{{{{HOH}}}}}

[mickleb]

Sorry to hear you are going through this HOH.

 

I've got to be honest. When I heard you'd started seeing this guy, I was a little worried it was a bit soon after your major life partnership. But I hoped you'd found someone who would make you happy.

 

I haven't read all your threads on this guy, but I've picked up the main bits, I think.

 

As much as you have enjoyed sharing with this guy, it does sound as though you have put more into it, generally, than he has. I know that's difficult to judge, as he hasn't posted his side of the story here, but it seems as though your emotional effort in trying to make this work has been greater than his.

 

The other thing appears to be that the relationship became somewhat doomed when his opportunity to move to you fell through. You had already refused to moved to him, which - let's be honest - would put a huge strain on an LDR, but it could've been resolved if his work situation came through.

 

It didn't, and so the relationship can't be resolved. I think it's almost as simple as that.

 

What I think you should try to focus on is the good that came from this. The great sex, the comfort etc that this relationship provided for you at a very, very difficult time in your life.

 

This relationship has helped you to deal with the enormous loss you faced 5 years ago. You were able to have someone around, but also live life mostly by yourself. This relationship has made you stronger. Be thankful for that but don't hold onto that comfort.

 

It has served it's purpose. Go NC and move on, a stronger, healthier, more confident woman.

 

I can completely understand your vision of your future as a single woman. It does seem easier a lot of the time, doesn't it?! But, hard as it is to imagine, I think you're going to find another lovely guy somewhere, and this time he'll probably be closer to home.

 

In the meantime, enjoy your lovely birds and animals, the British summer and its strawberries.

 

Life is better now than it was when I 'met' you here.

 

X

Edited June 4, 2014 by mickleb

[HeavenOrHell]

Thanks mickleb Good to hear from you.

[HeavenOrHell]

Thank you for everyone's input...much appreciated, and thanks for sharing the ups and downs over the years.

 

I find it quite hard coming to this site at the moment, I associate it with break ups, I only really only used to come here to deal with a break up 5 years ago, and then to post in this LDR forum and the sex one and now I've no need to as I have neither of those things in my life now, so it's all hard for me to read.

 

I'll pop by now and again though.

 

Wishing everyone well, and good luck.

[mickleb]

Take care my dear.

 

See you later, some time. X

[Els]

Take care, HoH! <3