Zippy37 Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 I found pictures my wife sent to another man which where very explicit and outside of marital boundaries. I have tried to forgive her for the pictures because she seemed very sorry about what she had done and the hurt it caused me. However, she has lied and not been forthright with information about the pictures in terms of when they were taken, how long the relationship lasted, was there was physical contact. She gave me the name of the guy she sent the pictures to and after 6 months of searching I can't find this guy. The university she "meet him 20 years ago" does not even show him registered at the school. Can you forgive someone who is still lying and move on with a marriage? She wants me to stop asking questions and "put it behind us" so we can move on. I have been told there can't be forgiveness without truth. I love my wife and would give anything for this to have never have happened. I would love to put it behind us and forget it happened, but it is dominating my thoughts. My love for her is being eroded each day she wants to leave me hanging on lies, half truths and "trust me's". Am I out of bounds to want the details of this episode? Should I just leave it alone? If she won't tell me the truth should I divorce her? I have some many questions and very little answers right now. If someone has been through this and can tell me how their situation played out or any experiences that could help me get my bearings, I would appreciate it. Zippy
KaliKatherine Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 I haven't had this particular situation, but part of the reason I ended my marriage was due to lack of trust and taking responsibility for ones actions. you mentioned several observations that are concerning. Firstly, you said your wife has acted sorry for her poor decisions, but has she actually apologized? Has she actually said anything to you that shows she understands the untrustworthy nature of her decisions and the impact on your marriage? Since you have uncovered further half-truths and feel it necessary to search for this guy, that's another red flag. You've asked her to come clean, she hasn't-- and here you are, digging for more information she's unwilling to give you. At the same time, she is becoming exasperated with you and wants you to 'put it behind us'. Umm no. Honesty and trust are integral to a healthy relationship. You state that you realize your love and regard for her is being eroded by the lack of complete honesty. It sounds like you are working to repair the relationship, but can't do that because there's some crucial pieces of information lacking, and ( from the sound of it) a partner that is not truly invested in working to repair trust. Should you divorce? (You ask this) well that's something only you can answer for yourself. Clearly if your wife cannot be more forthcoming this will whittle away at your marriage ( as it already is) and the end results will likely be whatever outcome you most dread. I would tell her the crossroads you're at--you love her and value your marriage, but cannot truly forgive/move on since it seems she is still keeping information from you that impacts your ability to trust. Trust is earned, not guaranteed in a relationship. If she persists in being defensive, minimizing her actions, or refusing to take a role in repairing trust, you probably at a minimum need some marital or individual counseling, at most severe perhaps a short term separation to get your message across. Reading between the lines, it seems to me that if your wife cannot be more open with you, this event is going to undermine your future happiness together. Good luck- I hope she is as invested as you are in repairing your relationship.
SerCay Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 I found pictures my wife sent to another man which where very explicit and outside of marital boundaries. I have tried to forgive her for the pictures because she seemed very sorry about what she had done and the hurt it caused me. However, she has lied and not been forthright with information about the pictures in terms of when they were taken, how long the relationship lasted, was there was physical contact. She gave me the name of the guy she sent the pictures to and after 6 months of searching I can't find this guy. The university she "meet him 20 years ago" does not even show him registered at the school. Can you forgive someone who is still lying and move on with a marriage? She wants me to stop asking questions and "put it behind us" so we can move on. I have been told there can't be forgiveness without truth. I love my wife and would give anything for this to have never have happened. I would love to put it behind us and forget it happened, but it is dominating my thoughts. My love for her is being eroded each day she wants to leave me hanging on lies, half truths and "trust me's". Am I out of bounds to want the details of this episode? Should I just leave it alone? If she won't tell me the truth should I divorce her? I have some many questions and very little answers right now. If someone has been through this and can tell me how their situation played out or any experiences that could help me get my bearings, I would appreciate it. Zippy Dear Zippy, First of all I'm sorry for what you've been through. I've been on both sides of this situation. When my ex cheated on me, he didn't even tell me up front. I found out he was having a very long phone conversation with a girl from his past and considering their past I immidiately knew there had been cheating going on. He never admitted to this and until this day (2.5 years later) he hasn't told me the whereabouts of this cheating. Later I found out that he had only told her that he was in a committed relationship a year after the cheating...they were having regular contact until that time. You know how it made me feel? small. A person of no importance. And I never trusted him again. Eventually we broke up after 3.5 years together. He's still after me but he's still the same person (untrustworthy) so I avoid him like the plague. When someone cheats on you but refuses to give you what is needed for closure, that means they don't have respect for you. Plain and simple. It means they're arrogant and they're convinced that you won't leave anyways and get over it some day. On the other side: I never cheated but I dated another guy while my ex and I were on a break. When ex and I got back together I was still in contact with this guy and I dated them both at the same time for a while. When I look back I regret what I did but at the time I felt like giving my ex some of his own medicine, because he had cheated and never gave me a chance for closure. I would never do such thing again though, it's devastating and useless. I was reluctant to give my ex the details at the beginning because I didn't want to hurt his feelings, so I chose not to tell him where I had been on dates with this guy. My ex eventually managed to pull it out of me and was deeply hurt because I had lied to him about it. Even though he got all the information there was to have about me dating this other dude in a relatively short amount of time, he never got over the fact that I didn't tell him right away when he found out I was dating someone. My advice to you is this: Sit down with your wife and tell her how serious this situation is. Tell her you need her to tell you honestly, everything you need to know. Don't be afraid to tell her you WILL leave if she doesn't. Because if she doesn't want to tell you it means that she A. doesn't care about your relationship or B. still has something to hide about this dude. You deserve the best and living with this in your mind every day will drive you numb, as it has done to me. Take care!!
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