Not knowing if he was cheating before he broke up with me [update]

May 27, 2014

My boyfriend of five years (lived together for a year) ended our relationship last week after a period of uncertainty where we tried (for only two weeks, the first being great) to fix things and he said his heart wasnt in it anymore and he doubted his feelings.

So..this period of relationship limbo went on for around a month. I..found some emails where he was confiding in a mutual friend about something going on with his work colleague. I don't know what happened or if it's still happening (she's nearly 10 years younger than him and is apparently moving to a new city in a few months, also has a boyfriend and they are still together now so I don't know).

His workmates are all so much younger than him so he goes out and acts like a 21 year old (he's nearly 32) and I (and his friends) feel like he's having a mid life crisis.*Now it's over and I left the house we shared to go 200 miles away to my parents for the space. Just needed to get away. It's been 7 days NC but we will have to sort the house soon which means I'll have to go back. I found out today that I can't get out of the lease until August..

He sent me one message after a few days which I ignored. I felt so strong but I'm struggling with myself. I want him to see what life is truly like without me.

He's back at his mothers house (she lives about 5minutes away and told me she was gutted) but didn't tell her what happened for a few days. I will find a new place and have a clean break but now I know I can't afford to move until August I feel like I've taken a step back and I'm a mess again. I'm 27 and feel like my life is over. I'm taking a lot of antidepressants and basically cry at my parents. Apparently I look like a bag of bones.*The worst thing is that in my head I think he'll regret his decision. I feel broken.

I've been lurking here a while but I've finally plucked up the courage to post. I just felt so lost.

May 27, 2014

I'm so sorry Lime for everything you are going through. I wish I could give you a big hug. I know exactly what you mean about feeling broken and lost.

I am a woman but I was in the position of your boyfriend and not a single day has gone by that I haven't wished I tried harder before ending things. We tried for longer - 5 months about, but still I feel guilty for giving up so soon. Your ex will feel the same way for sure. He is making a big mistake. The biggest. He will regret it and you will come out on top (like my ex has - she is engaged - and now I'm left alone grieving our relationship and not being able to let go of the past and my poor decisions)

We were together 5 years and living together too. I am also 27. I know how bad it hurts. He is probably hurting too. I wish there was something to say other than that you are not alone

May 27, 2014

My boyfriend of five years (lived together for a year) ended our relationship last week after a period of uncertainty where we tried (for only two weeks, the first being great) to fix things and he said his heart wasnt in it anymore and he doubted his feelings.

So..this period of relationship limbo went on for around a month. I..found some emails where he was confiding in a mutual friend about something going on with his work colleague. I don't know what happened or if it's still happening (she's nearly 10 years younger than him and is apparently moving to a new city in a few months, also has a boyfriend and they are still together now so I don't know).

His workmates are all so much younger than him so he goes out and acts like a 21 year old (he's nearly 32) and I (and his friends) feel like he's having a mid life crisis.*Now it's over and I left the house we shared to go 200 miles away to my parents for the space. Just needed to get away. It's been 7 days NC but we will have to sort the house soon which means I'll have to go back. I found out today that I can't get out of the lease until August..

He sent me one message after a few days which I ignored. I felt so strong but I'm struggling with myself. I want him to see what life is truly like without me.

He's back at his mothers house (she lives about 5minutes away and told me she was gutted) but didn't tell her what happened for a few days. I will find a new place and have a clean break but now I know I can't afford to move until August I feel like I've taken a step back and I'm a mess again. I'm 27 and feel like my life is over. I'm taking a lot of antidepressants and basically cry at my parents. Apparently I look like a bag of bones.*The worst thing is that in my head I think he'll regret his decision. I feel broken.

I've been lurking here a while but I've finally plucked up the courage to post. I just felt so lost.

27 and your life is over? Dam try 40 like me. Try 45 or 50 like some of the posters. I know it hurts. I KNOW. But your life is far from being over. You have plenty of time.

You are taking the right decision by not responding. Not because it's a game, but because he can't just come and go as he pleases, and pretty much walk all over you. So I see it as a big plus!

Can you pay the rent alone? Is he on the lease? (in which case he owes you money).

May 27, 2014

27 and your life is over? Dam try 40 like me. Try 45 or 50 like some of the posters. I know it hurts. I KNOW. But your life is far from being over. You have plenty of time.

You are taking the right decision by not responding. Not because it's a game, but because he can't just come and go as he pleases, and pretty much walk all over you. So I see it as a big plus!

Can you pay the rent alone? Is he on the lease? (in which case he owes you money).

It's a joint lease so I'm hoping he'll step up.

I know deep down I have time, I'm sorry for being so dramatic. I just feel like such an idiot.

I'm worried (and I'm not sure why I even care) that NC is going to make him resentful.

May 27, 2014

My daughter went through a major break up,together 5 yrs.,tried to reconcile...happened in grad school, so a little younger than you. She moved back home with me and it took a long time for her to feel better. They tried to stay friends, he had a lot of issues. She broke down one day in front of me calling herself a loser to be living with her mom....anyway, I guess I'm trying to say, it will get better. She is in a much better place now, moving on with her life.It won't be easy, surround yourself with loving,supportive people. I hate when people say inspirational crap to me:),but trust me, your life is not over. This feeling is temporary. Good luck,dear.

May 27, 2014

I'm so sorry Lime for everything you are going through. I wish I could give you a big hug. I know exactly what you mean about feeling broken and lost.

I am a woman but I was in the position of your boyfriend and not a single day has gone by that I haven't wished I tried harder before ending things. We tried for longer - 5 months about, but still I feel guilty for giving up so soon. Your ex will feel the same way for sure. He is making a big mistake. The biggest. He will regret it and you will come out on top (like my ex has - she is engaged - and now I'm left alone grieving our relationship and not being able to let go of the past and my poor decisions)

We were together 5 years and living together too. I am also 27. I know how bad it hurts. He is probably hurting too. I wish there was something to say other than that you are not alone

Thanks for your kind words, I'm sorry to hear you are feeling bad - I'm sure it'll get better. 5 months is a decent try at things though, compared to two weeks so I think you shouldn't be so hard on yourself about that.

I'm not sure he'll regret it . His workmates all move on in September and I think it might hit him then. He'll be back living in his mother's attic. I don't know if I'd be willing to give him another chance, but at the moment I wish he would rethink things. Gaah. The lack of sleep is getting to me. I wake up scared and short of breath like I'm in the middle of a panic attack.

May 28, 2014

So I had to tell him about the lease and I sent him a very short email saying we were tied to the house until it ends.

I said I needed him to give me warning before he came over to pick up any stuff (so I can not be there) and I kept it business like. It killed me. I told him not to reply.

Won't this push him away!? I had to tell him about the lease but I feel terrible. I desperately want to heal and for him to realise I'm gone. I've been NC for the last week and I've had ups and downs but I'm trying to move on. I know he had a comedy night last night and it would have been distracting him as he would have been getting positive feedback from it. It'll probably not have sunk in yet right?

Does it take longer for the dumper to feel anything?

May 28, 2014

My ex never even agreed to work on anything. I asked several times...

I think when someone checks out, they don't really even care to try. They don't want to work things out. They just want out

May 29, 2014

I just got back to the house after a week and all his stuff is gone. I was doing a bit

better but this has hit me hard. I can't stop crying. I don't know where to turn.

8 days NC and all I want is to feel better. I want him to regret not having me in his life so I guess I'm doing NC for the wrong reasons. I want him to truly understand what it means with me gone. It's been five years, surely he'll care a bit? I don't want him to see me like this.

May 30, 2014

I've posted here before but I'm currently in the middle of a bit of a crisis and I honestly think I'm better off here, posting as opposed to breaking NC. It's going to be pretty much a checklist of the standard break up.

Basically when my boyfriend of five years broke up with me he cited not feeling the same. He said there wasn't any reason. I asked if there was anyone else and gave him multiple opportunities to tell me if there was. He said there was no-one else that he liked/was seeing.

I did something I've never done before because I felt something wasn't right and snooped during a period where we got back together for a week. I saw some emails where he was hinting that *something* had gone on with a girl he works with to a friend. I don't know the details. Emotional/physical cheating, but something has gone on. He hangs around with people much younger than him drinking after work so it's possible. I confronted him when we broke up. He again denied it and (!) accepted my apology when I said I was sorry for being paranoid.

This girl is the only female workmate he has that he's friends with. She is loud and "fun". She's nearly ten years younger than him. She has a boyfriend who she lives with (although my ex lived with me so since when does that matter). She is leaving in around three months to study in another city. I feel sick. I saw he had liked her recent photo on Facebook today (he isn't my friend on there but I saw it) and I feel sick. I can't break NC. I can't ask her. If it's true her boyfriend likely has no idea. And she'll be gone in a few months so it seems a little stupid.

Is it a rebound? I can't see it ending well. If he wanted me gone he should have just told me in the first place. Gah! This is why social media is EVIL. Why am I even caring?

May 30, 2014

Even if he never physically cheated on you, he may have begun "securing" other girls so as to move on quickly after the break up. It may not even exactly have been intentional on his part.

I don't think there's really any way for you to know for sure at this point. But I guess the more important question is whether or not you really want to. Would it help you move on to vilify him? Would you get angrier as a result and not be longing for him anymore? Would it truly cement the end of the relationship for you?

Or would it just hurt you?

May 30, 2014

It doesn't matter whether he was cheating or having an emotional affair. It's over.

May 31, 2014

Agree, I think there's a possibility that mine might have been talking to someone else at the end, I don't go too deep into that though because it's a moot point now. They don't usually admit it anyways.

Block him off social media and go no contact and it won't matter.

Some people tell themselves they need it for closure but I feel they just want to keep clinging in some way to that relationship. Closure will come from yourself.

May 31, 2014

At this point, it doesn't matter. Save yourself.

May 31, 2014

Thanks for your replies. I'm trying to be strong and move towards getting over it which was why I came here to post instead of contacting him or anyone. NC and the break up has been for nearly ten days now so I'm doing okay.

I just have to keep thinking I'm a better person without him. He's 32 with a dead end job living in his mother's attic now. If he was playing the field with someone who is leaving soon and hasn't broken up with her boyfriend it wouldn't last.

Eventually he'll regret what he lost and I'll have moved on and be strong enough to be a better person and call the shots to get rid of him. Right!?

May 31, 2014

whether he was or not, what does it matter??? you are still broken up either way.

I have had a few exes offer to discuss with me the reasons for the breakup and I always tell them know or just ignore them. it is over, and WHY they dumped me is irrelevant.

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Not knowing if he was cheating before he broke up with me [update]

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