JL123 Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 Hi all, I am in the early days of ending my A. We were NC for a few days, it didn't last long before he reeled me back in, saying there had to be another way, as he couldn't live without me and our "love." I fell for it again and for another couple of weeks, the cycle started again. I have since started really thinking about the totality of our A, done alot of reading, soul searching and come to the realization that I deserve more. Through all the reading, it seems many of our A's are soooo similar in what the MM tells us. Was curious how much of my A is like yours. Have you heard the following? 1. I have never felt this way about anyone. 2. You are my best friend and I cannot live without you. 3. I can tell you anything. I cannot talk to my wife the way I can talk to you. 4. We are soulmates. 5. I would have never gotten married if I knew I would have met you. 6. I want to be with you full-time but I am afraid to sacrafice the time with my children. 7. My marriage has been over for years but I need to get x, y, z in order before I leave. 8. I know in my heart that we will be together someday. 9. I feel the need to protect you, which I have never felt for anyone else. 10. We are meant to be together so everything will fall into place soon. My MM is texting me every few hours right now, trying to get me to agree to see him because he has a gift for me that he insists on giving me in person. I am so ready to get him out of my life, I am not responding to his messages. It is hard, but this forum is so helpful. I know that when people want something, they follow through. I know with children, it is complicated, but for the last 7 months, he has been telling me he wants to leave. No timeline, no talks with divorce attorneys, no looking for another place to live, no movement at all. So I have had enough. One tip someone gave me that has been helping: when I feel like responding to his texts and mails, send it to myself or just write it out in a Word document, date it and save it. It helps because I say what I want to say, get the thoughts out of my head but I haven't broken NC. Well, thanks for letting me vent! Happy Friday! 2
Nothisgirl Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 I heard every single one of those virtually verbatim. 7
Author JL123 Posted May 30, 2014 Author Posted May 30, 2014 I have promised myself that I will not take him back. I have wasted 7 months on him. I learned alot about myself, I know what I want in my next relationship and I look forward to finding it. The hardest part for me is that I miss the affection. Weekends are tough but I am getting by. I know everyone says not to date too soon, but for me, I need to get out there. It helps me get my mind off him and see that there are other single men out there. 2
Whisper Quiet Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 Heard those and a few others. In retrospect, I can see that they were, for the most part, just to keep me engaged in the A. Even after multiple break ups with last one being particular nasty, xMM still pulled the "we WILL be together one day". This was after many months of NC. I found it creepy rather than endearing. Maybe that is because I know that he is just trying to reel me back in. It won't work. Time will help you to gain perspective. Stay strong. Focus on what is healthy for you.
Poppygoodwill Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 If he really loved you as he said he does, he wouldn't try to keep you around waiting for him and a life that doesn't come. He would cut you loose to find your happiness because obviously he's not able (or willing) to give it to you. He's a selfish and manipulative arse. When I broke up with a selfish and manipulative arse who was skilled at drawing me back in, I put a sticker on my phone that I had to look at every time it rang, or before I'd dial him if I was tempted. It said: you'll be sorry. It worked every time because it reminded me of that sick feeling in my stomach from anxiety as he would reel me back in and I'd go along, knowing that in a few days or weeks I'd be heartbroken again. 1
whichwayisup Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 Keep this in mind to keep you from texting him back... 1. I have never felt this way about anyone. He also met and fell in love with his wife, married her so obviously the love he felt back then was real and true enough to marry and have kids. 2. You are my best friend and I cannot live without you. His wife was his best friend too and he couldn't live without her which is why he never had any intention of divorcing. 3. I can tell you anything. I cannot talk to my wife the way I can talk to you. He had that with his wife, of course they were close. Maybe it changed as time and years went by. *It's very easy to be open and say anything when you don't have much invested other than emotions.* 4. We are soulmates. I'm sure he and his wife felt that connection as soul mates too. 5. I would have never gotten married if I knew I would have met you. Typical MM or MW line. 6. I want to be with you full-time but I am afraid to sacrafice the time with my children. This is true but people do divorce if they really want to and are ready to. Kids adjust with counseling and support. 7. My marriage has been over for years but I need to get x, y, z in order before I leave. Yet he isn't leaving.. 8. I know in my heart that we will be together someday. Wishful and hopeful but it won't ever happen. 9. I feel the need to protect you, which I have never felt for anyone else. So do you think he never felt that way about his wife or his kids? only you? Doubtful. 10. We are meant to be together so everything will fall into place soon. Yet he has no plan. In his head and fantasy he thinks and wants it to happen but reality is, it won't. Deep down he knows this but can't help himself. 2
Scarlet2 Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 I wish mine would say something along those lines but he hasn't yet. If he did, would I believe him or just assume he's saying it to sound good, so in a way I think it's good that he hasn't. But it's also bad because I don't know what he's thinking and he never lets me in on what family issues are going on that causes him to not be able to see me. Is he trying to get out of his marriage and doesn't want me involved or is he just not invested enough in me or what? The more posts I read here, the more I'm seeing that I don't have the typical A or the average MM. Am I ever going to figure it out...
movingon45 Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 I wish mine would say something along those lines but he hasn't yet. If he did, would I believe him or just assume he's saying it to sound good, so in a way I think it's good that he hasn't. But it's also bad because I don't know what he's thinking and he never lets me in on what family issues are going on that causes him to not be able to see me. Is he trying to get out of his marriage and doesn't want me involved or is he just not invested enough in me or what? The more posts I read here, the more I'm seeing that I don't have the typical A or the average MM. Am I ever going to figure it out... Scarlet, I haven't heard any of those either. No promises, no intention to leave his M and no marital problems. Just an A. 1
Poppy's sister Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 Not heard any of them either Have heard: I still love you, it scares me as I am usually very logical and controlled. I can't see the future, there is an us in the future but in what capacity I can't get my head round at the moment. I had to ask myself painful questions post dday, and I know that the risks I take to continue seeing you are worth it. But saying I love you out loud has meaning to me and I fear I can't live up to that. This isn't about having you on tap for sex, afterall we don't get time together very often. This relationship is worth trying ti figure out He and I have talked again this week aboutour situations, he has looked at finances, how custody might work and it scares him. That's fair enough. Divorce would be very painful and at least he is being honest. I have never been future faked. Though sometimes wish he would.... We both struggle desperately with feeling that we would be good together as a couple but the getting to that point at the moment is too much for him. I am a bit further down the line.
crederer Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 Yah those are page 1 of the affair handbook along with "my wife never has sex with me, we'd be divorced but aren't because of reasons" 3
still_an_Angel Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 Yes on #3 and variations of #1 and 5. I know that MM will not D, we have discussed this many times and I understand his reasons. For my part, I cannot handle a full on relationship at this point in my life, he understands this and has never pressured me for more. So we leave things as they are and don't future fake anything.
Popsicle Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 Mine has not said any of these, but it's tough whether he says it or not.
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