SunnySide0418 Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 I've been divorced a little over a year now but at the end of my miserable marriage I had a year long affair. I know it was terribly wrong but I did it. I recently started dating a guy I really like. Do I tell him? I'm torn. I want to be honest but am afraid to tell him. What do you all think I should do?
FitChick Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 That was then, this is now. It had nothing to do with him and everything to do with your ex. Just don't make a habit of it in the future. If you are unhappy, leave. Lesson learned! 2
mattboltz Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 You have to eventually. Not only is it right for him, but it is freeing for you
ja123 Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 I'd tell him when general discussion about relationships past comes up. I wouldn't put a big focus on it, but tell him that the marriage was already over, although not officially, when you met someone else. It didn't work out with that other person either. Keep it short and sweet. Be honest, but not label it as an "affair". 1
BikerAccnt Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 No. What point would it serve? It has nothing to do with him and would possibly only hurt the current relationship. I'm a firm believer that what happened in past relationships is just that, the past. I am also a firm believer that people can and do change. So whatever someone may have done in previous relationships, though important, isn't near as important as how I am being treated in this one. I base my actions and feelings on what they are doing with me now, not what they did with someone else in the past. 1
mangetout Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 I think for your sake you need to tell him. I think hiding this from him is not giving you inner peace
Ninjainpajamas Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 Don't beat yourself up about it, you know the reasons and situation why you ended up cheating in the end...someone who doesn't understand that is going to judge from a place of ignorance and without much understanding if they cannot relate, this is really your burden to bear. If he asks you about it, then you need to be honest...however keep in mind the world in reality revolves around lies and what you don't know, so chances are he's done something in his past that may reflect on his "character" (for all you know a cheater as well) but he may never express that or be as transparent as you are, because you carry a great burden of guilt and responsibility. Accepting what you have done as wrong and understanding the reasons why and moving on from it is good enough for you, you do not need to throw yourself onto the fire out of guilt and let everyone burn you like a witch for it...I can assure you that there are other things that people do that are as "reprehensible" as cheating, even as a cheater myself I'd have no qualms about standing trial with any adult on this planet if everything in the past were to be judged and critiqued transparently, because I've owned most of my doings where as with them they're likely still running away or trying to hide from them. So in the end it's really about what you can live with if I'm being honest, and right now it seems like you are too scared of being judged for your cheating...even without knowing what that other person could and may have done. If you just pour yourself out to this "new guy" without knowing him well, without knowing his character, without knowing his behavior and assuming that what you do was so horrible and he's so "great" therefore you should come "clean" and be honest...then you're setting yourself up for handing over the power and an insecurity/vulnerability within yourself to someone who doesn't deserve it, you don't OWE this guy anything...you owe him that honestly if he wants to know and that's important to him, but you don't need to come bursting out of the closet like some crying little girl saying you're the one that stole the cinnamon roll off the kitchen table, not the dog after all...that's just your own issue taking over out of fear of losing someone. Don't be so weak, vulnerable and childish, it's not going to get you what you want in the end acting on those feelings...come to terms with what you've done, make peace with the past and accept it, then move on, you don't owe some stranger anything for that...and it doesn't mean anyone else doesn't have a right to judge you for it, everyone judges, and if they feel it is important to them let it be, but to put your self-worth or value in someone else's hands...now that's a joke, there is no one person deserving of that on this planet. You've got to be stronger than this IMO before you start dating, If you've got a lot of hang-ups from your past marriage you're going to be a mess in a new relationship...with ANYONE, because you'll have enough problems on your own which will compound with the problems in the "relationship" or "dating" or you'll simply create them on your own. 4
PegNosePete Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 If it were me... I would not offer the information freely, but I would not be evasive or lie if the topic of cheating or the end of your marriage came up. Take responsibility for your actions but no need to advertise them.
Author SunnySide0418 Posted May 30, 2014 Author Posted May 30, 2014 Don't beat yourself up about it, you know the reasons and situation why you ended up cheating in the end...someone who doesn't understand that is going to judge from a place of ignorance and without much understanding if they cannot relate, this is really your burden to bear. If he asks you about it, then you need to be honest...however keep in mind the world in reality revolves around lies and what you don't know, so chances are he's done something in his past that may reflect on his "character" (for all you know a cheater as well) but he may never express that or be as transparent as you are, because you carry a great burden of guilt and responsibility. Accepting what you have done as wrong and understanding the reasons why and moving on from it is good enough for you, you do not need to throw yourself onto the fire out of guilt and let everyone burn you like a witch for it...I can assure you that there are other things that people do that are as "reprehensible" as cheating, even as a cheater myself I'd have no qualms about standing trial with any adult on this planet if everything in the past were to be judged and critiqued transparently, because I've owned most of my doings where as with them they're likely still running away or trying to hide from them. So in the end it's really about what you can live with if I'm being honest, and right now it seems like you are too scared of being judged for your cheating...even without knowing what that other person could and may have done. If you just pour yourself out to this "new guy" without knowing him well, without knowing his character, without knowing his behavior and assuming that what you do was so horrible and he's so "great" therefore you should come "clean" and be honest...then you're setting yourself up for handing over the power and an insecurity/vulnerability within yourself to someone who doesn't deserve it, you don't OWE this guy anything...you owe him that honestly if he wants to know and that's important to him, but you don't need to come bursting out of the closet like some crying little girl saying you're the one that stole the cinnamon roll off the kitchen table, not the dog after all...that's just your own issue taking over out of fear of losing someone. Don't be so weak, vulnerable and childish, it's not going to get you what you want in the end acting on those feelings...come to terms with what you've done, make peace with the past and accept it, then move on, you don't owe some stranger anything for that...and it doesn't mean anyone else doesn't have a right to judge you for it, everyone judges, and if they feel it is important to them let it be, but to put your self-worth or value in someone else's hands...now that's a joke, there is no one person deserving of that on this planet. You've got to be stronger than this IMO before you start dating, If you've got a lot of hang-ups from your past marriage you're going to be a mess in a new relationship...with ANYONE, because you'll have enough problems on your own which will compound with the problems in the "relationship" or "dating" or you'll simply create them on your own. Weak, vulnerable and childish - really? Wow. I simply was asking to gain insight on the best way to handle. I am far from weak and childish, perhaps a little vulnerable but aren't we all? We did discuss what went wrong in our marriages and I told him what went wrong. The affair was once things were over and I was planning on staying in the marriage for my kids sake. Ultimately we did divorce and I am much happier now. I have decided I will not tell him unless he specifically asks me if I ever cheated .. Thanks all.
Author SunnySide0418 Posted May 30, 2014 Author Posted May 30, 2014 If it were me... I would not offer the information freely, but I would not be evasive or lie if the topic of cheating or the end of your marriage came up. Take responsibility for your actions but no need to advertise them. I should add that my ex-husband never found out about the affair and it had no bearing on our divorce. The marriage was virtually over when it started.
Author SunnySide0418 Posted May 30, 2014 Author Posted May 30, 2014 He definitely deserves to know. I would never want to date a girl who would cheat on her husband. If I found out later that the girl I'm dating was a cheater, I'd just leave her then. Curious .. have you ever been married?
DArtagnan2 Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 Yeh, if he asks, I wouldnt lie or if the conversation came up I wouldnt steer away from it. its like you are now trying to hide it from him. I have never asked someone if they cheated before unless I was asked first. Then I usually say, "What about you?" Maybe that is a mistake on my part, but at the same time, I really just want to know what they will do and how they will act when they are with me. I try not to bring baggage from my past and hope to leave it in the past, I hope they have left theirs in the past and I want to respect they get that trust from me versus being someone who is trying to find out the negative from the past instead of getting to know the good right now. In hindsight, I know in a few instances, I probably would have been better off knowing ahead of time. But, at the same time, if someone told me they had cheated it would depend to me why they cheated, how often, and so on. If they cheated alot or were ok with more of an open relationship more often then an exclusive one, then I would be optimistically cautious about getting more involved with that person. But I am not sure I would cut it off.
Gaeta Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 If he ask you that direct question than answer the truth. If not then keep this for your pastor or best friend. A relationship is not a confessional. Years ago I had a brief affair with a married man, it was then, now I am a different woman, older more mature and have understood a few things about life. This is not something I would do again. It would serve no purpose for me to tell this to a man I date. I think you are wanting to tell him simply to find peace and acceptance. Find it in a therapy chair.
PegNosePete Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 I should add that my ex-husband never found out about the affair and it had no bearing on our divorce. The marriage was virtually over when it started. I wonder if your ex-husband would see it the same way, if he were to find out? Banging someone else is certainly a good way to ensure that you don't bother putting any effort into saving the marriage. Just sayin....... there's 3 sides to every story.
Sunfire73 Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 Only when he asked. If he asked, that means the information is important to him. If he doesn't, he wouldn't want to know and not a major aspect in deciding whether he wants a relationship with you.
PegNosePete Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 Only when he asked. If he asked, that means the information is important to him. If he doesn't, he wouldn't want to know and not a major aspect in deciding whether he wants a relationship with you. Well the trouble with that logic, to use a geek term, is that it's a "pull" method rather than "push". Most people have dealbreakers. Like if they've ever been arrested for drug dealing, committed an armed robbery, raped someone, killed someone, pulled the wings off flies when you were a kid... you get the idea... there are a LOT of things that you'd want to know if your potential partner had done. Using the "pull" method you would have to go through your entire list of dealbreakers, asking each one because if you didn't then they could just say "I never lied! You neglected to ask whether I'd ever thrown a box full of kittens off a bridge, so I never told you" or whatever. There comes a point where active disclosure is appropriate. Now I am not saying that you should say "hi Dave, I cheated on my husband" on the first date. But if the end of the marriage is being discussed then I think he would have a right to feel annoyed that you failed to disclose this rather major detail. I know I would. 2
Author SunnySide0418 Posted May 31, 2014 Author Posted May 31, 2014 Well the trouble with that logic, to use a geek term, is that it's a "pull" method rather than "push". Most people have dealbreakers. Like if they've ever been arrested for drug dealing, committed an armed robbery, raped someone, killed someone, pulled the wings off flies when you were a kid... you get the idea... there are a LOT of things that you'd want to know if your potential partner had done. Using the "pull" method you would have to go through your entire list of dealbreakers, asking each one because if you didn't then they could just say "I never lied! You neglected to ask whether I'd ever thrown a box full of kittens off a bridge, so I never told you" or whatever. There comes a point where active disclosure is appropriate. Now I am not saying that you should say "hi Dave, I cheated on my husband" on the first date. But if the end of the marriage is being discussed then I think he would have a right to feel annoyed that you failed to disclose this rather major detail. I know I would. He has asked me what went wrong in my marriage and I told him. He also told me he never cheated on his wife but didn't ask me if I had. Apparently, he doesn't care.
FitChick Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 My wife cheated on me. I don't knowingly date cheaters. She had lied and said she never cheated on anyone before, but after the divorce I found out she had a history of it. Then it's pointless to ask unless you plan to make potential dates take a lie detector test.
Author SunnySide0418 Posted May 31, 2014 Author Posted May 31, 2014 I agree that it's pointless to ask. I never asked her, she just volunteered the information and said how much she hates cheaters. I would rather not date a woman that cheated on her husband. I can't imagine any guy really wanting to build a life with such a girl. Life is not as black and white as you seem to think it is.
Author SunnySide0418 Posted May 31, 2014 Author Posted May 31, 2014 Maybe your life isn't, but when it comes to this issue, mine is. I get hit on by married women all the time, and they all have some kind of justification for it. It's all bs. So .. your opinion is I should just tell him ASAP?
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