How to push your ex off the pedestal you've built for them

[manna25]

Does anyone else have this terrible hang up when it comes to getting over break-ups?

 

I've been reading a lot about how much better/healthier it is to learn to hate your ex while progressing past a break up. It makes sense as to why it's so difficult for me because my instinct is to go the mature route, which is try to accept my shortcomings as well, wish him happiness, and still try to see the best in him. My instinct is generally not to hate ANYONE, let alone the person I most deeply (and foolishly) loved.

 

I've tried many ways to bear in mind all the times he was mean and the ways he hurt me but I still can't manage to stop prioritizing his feelings over mine.

 

How do I remind myself that this is someone I need to see negatively if I am ever to move past this?

[jbelle6]

Does anyone else have this terrible hang up when it comes to getting over break-ups?

 

I've been reading a lot about how much better/healthier it is to learn to hate your ex while progressing past a break up. It makes sense as to why it's so difficult for me because my instinct is to go the mature route, which is try to accept my shortcomings as well, wish him happiness, and still try to see the best in him. My instinct is generally not to hate ANYONE, let alone the person I most deeply (and foolishly) loved.

 

I've tried many ways to bear in mind all the times he was mean and the ways he hurt me but I still can't manage to stop prioritizing his feelings over mine.

 

How do I remind myself that this is someone I need to see negatively if I am ever to move past this?

 

 

 

THIS IS ME!!! Exactly me, I was just talking about it on another thread. My ex came after a VERY bad ex and helped me so much to feel good about myself and was there for me through a lot. I can't and won't hate him.

What I am finding helps is the No Contact. I could not get over him if I saw him or talked or text/email, or looked at his facebook. I don't do ANY of that. It's been a bit over 3 weeks and it's genuinely getting better and I think less and less each day. I will be friends after a LONG LONG time with this person. But that could be in a year or two. That's how you put your feelings first. Mine wanted to be friends right away and I simply could not put his needs over mine at that time.

[somedude81]

Yeah I'm having the same exact problem.

 

While we were together, my ex was always great to me so I have no actual reason to hate her, other than that she dumped me.

 

She never did anything to hurt me and was always sweet and loving. Of course all of that changed the day she dumped me, but I still remember all the good times.

 

Hopefully somebody will have some advice on how to push that person off the pedestal.

[jbelle6]

See, I really don't have mine on a pedestal, I just know he's not a bad person.

 

I feel really really lucky to not have mutual friends and such so I literally can erase him from my life until I am over it, or I'd be screwed.

 

Now, I may or may not have an unflattering photo of him as my screen saver in case I start missing certain things lol.

[bulldogz]

Yeah, you shouldn't hate your ex if they were good. Just think of it as a good thing that passes and won't return (like college years, prom, each World Cup, whatever).

[manna25]

Yeah, you shouldn't hate your ex if they were good. Just think of it as a good thing that passes and won't return (like college years, prom, each World Cup, whatever).

 

Aye, there's the rub^

 

He left me with PLENTY of reasons to hate and resent him. He was a good guy at one point but as things started to go south between us, he reacted in disproportionately harsh ways. I think some part of me just clings to that memory of him and makes me capable of astounding mental gymnastics to make allowances for his jerk behavior. He has a way of alienating and isolating himself, so he ends up miserable and hurting the people close to him. I honestly kind of want him to start dating someone seriously because I won't have to worry about him anymore and can move on myself.

 

Come to think of it, that's kind of my pattern; they have to move on before I allow myself to. It's just extremely frustrating in this case because I feel like he's doing the same with me and we've been dragging this out for over a year.

[crazybestie101]

I was angry at my ex first but i never hate him , kind of natural. He is the most amazing man who pempered me so much while i was with him. Yeah i did something crazy at the end but i don't think so he hates me because he knows why i acted such way ( many people here said he probably think me crazy and hates me). Last time when i snooped i saw him still wearing same clothes i gifted him while he was traveling around.

[jbelle6]

Anger is fair Crazy, for sure. I get angry if I think about how he said things to me a couple of days before the breakup, lovey stuff, then out of the blue (to me) it happened.

 

I get the anger! I don't really have it now because I know he was confused. He was bawling when he did it so I know it wasn't a cake walk for him to make the decision. Still hurt me though.

[oracle]

They made a choice and that choice wasn't you.

 

Say that out-loud to yourself

[roe007]

It is not an easy task to remove a person we trusted and respected. But I took some time to realize it and the best way is to go no contact. If the ex tried to contact you randomly just say upfront and straight that you don't need friendships and to leave you alone.

 

I did that after a month of no contact while she kept on pestering me with random friendly messages. She was everything to me but we are not made of rock so saving our heart from depression should be the priority. Even my ex said after break up "pain makes people strong don't worry" well her word of condolence which I felt like a mockery. She is the reason for it so these things helped me realize that once she was good to me but then she turned selfish. Its better to stay away and think that no contact is not because we hate our ex it is for us to heal and feel better. There is no point in talking to someone who don't care anymore about what we feel.

[erklat]

EFT tapping while saying affirmations shifting guilt over to her helped me a lot.

 

I was not into alternative before.. So I'm just saying what helped me apparently, and believe me my place was hell.

[stillfiguringitallou]

I had this problem in my last relationship. During the times we were together he truly treated me wonderfully - and during breakups he did as well for the most part.

 

I had to learn to cling to what he did that caused the breakup to be so damn final this time. Which was CONSTANTLY running away when everything got to "real"

 

EVERYTIME. We split for months at a time - being "just friends" which to him translated as all the awesome things about our relationship - hanging out together ALL THE TIME - sex - and backrubs and dates. With none of the responsibility of the relationship a.k.a. having to resolve issues - not flirting openly or talking of flirting openly with other women etc.

 

In the end - I had to focus on that.

 

Because there was NOTHING WRONG with our relationship - or with him as a partner.

 

But there was DEFINITELY something wrong with HIM.

[manna25]

I had this problem in my last relationship. During the times we were together he truly treated me wonderfully - and during breakups he did as well for the most part.

 

I had to learn to cling to what he did that caused the breakup to be so damn final this time. Which was CONSTANTLY running away when everything got to "real"

 

EVERYTIME. We split for months at a time - being "just friends" which to him translated as all the awesome things about our relationship - hanging out together ALL THE TIME - sex - and backrubs and dates. With none of the responsibility of the relationship a.k.a. having to resolve issues - not flirting openly or talking of flirting openly with other women etc.

 

In the end - I had to focus on that.

 

Because there was NOTHING WRONG with our relationship - or with him as a partner.

 

But there was DEFINITELY something wrong with HIM.

 

^ This was literally my situation as well. He wanted all the intimacy, security and to a large extent, the ego boost of being the object of my love without any of the responsibility and accountability that neccesitates it. He used to at least attempt to talk to me before but stopped because he basically didn't like being called out on his lapses in logic. Towards the end it was just on his terms… he picked and chose when I deserved a response, when he got to treat me like a girlfriend and when I got downgraded to sex buddy with no explanation or indication for me.

 

There's plenty of negative anecdotal evidence for me to focus on here but it's difficult when I understand that he's not really a bad person, just bad for me.