Mommame2 Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 I have posted here about the problems with my husband. Well, I would like to ask a question about alcohol. For YEARS - I have come home from work and drank wine with my husband. Sometimes a bottle a night (just me). As of late, I realized that I was drinking FAR more than usual. On the weekends I would start in the afternoon with girlfriends and consume possibly a total of 2 bottles of wine by night's end. This past weekend, my son and husband left town to see his family and I stayed home. I woke up on Sunday and decided - no more drinking. I could do this! So, it has now been 5 days - no alcohol. I am proud of myself. I talked to my therapist about this...(for the first time) and she thought it was POSSIBLE that I was an alcoholic. She told me that what I was doing was great and she wondered my husband had never asked me about my behavior (drinking alone etc)... I told her I thought he didn't really care. Anyway, when he returned on Tuesday, I told him that I had given up alcohol and that I was doing really well. He said "great!".. And every night I come home...he drinks ....I don't. Tonight, I came home and he had heated up a pizza for me and poured me a glass of wine!!! I looked at him and said ?! WHY ?! did you pour this? He said....I thought you would want it. I said "no thank you". He responded with "geez now you are making me feel bad..." I said no...no worries. I left it alone. But, What do you make of this? BTW - I'm scared now ...that I may be an alcoholic..so I am going through that fear too... I WANTED that wine...but chose against it.
Poppygoodwill Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 You've formed habits over the years, some that you share with your husband, some you indulge in alone. Drinking is one of them. You're changing your habit and it will take him a while to catch on and change his habits too. He might never, and then you'll discover how the two behaviours - your nondrinking and his drinking - clash or work together. My mother was an alcoholic. It's what killed her in the end. She never missed a day of work and kept a lovely home and paid off her mortgage and had parties and was very social....and she came home at the end of every day and started drinking, about as much as you are drinking. At first. For years. What started as a habit she shared with my father, continued on long past the divorce until it was an addiction and then a death sentence. I knew my mother drank too much, too frequently, too often to make herself feel less lonely or more relaxed or to relieve her boredom or make her life seem a bit more fun. I didn't realize she was actually an alcoholic until I read this book, Drinking: A Love Story, written by an American woman, a successful journalist, about her own slide into alcoholism. If you're wondering about yourself, then read it. You'll know by the end of the book.
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 (edited) First of all kudos to you for coming to this realization on your own and DOING something about it! That's farther than most people with any kind of vice do and you should celebrate that fact alone. Second, I would forgive your husband for the hiccup in him pouring you a glass of wine when you told him you weren't drinking anymore. I suspect that since you both had a habit of drinking together at dinner, it might have slipped his mind and was just a force of habit. It could also be that he may not have seen or continue to see your drinking as an issue and didn't think your confession was a serious one. Or worse yet, HE too might have some drinking issues that he needs to sort through himself. If this is what you want then it's time for you and your husband to sit down and have a very serious conversation about it and what you need from him. If you continue down this path of sobriety and he continues to sabotage you, THAT'S something to be VERY concerned about. Right now, at the very least, I think you should consider attending an AA meeting and see how it feels and fits. Even if you're not a raging alcoholic, sometimes being around like-minded individuals who struggle with keeping their drinking in check can be very cathartic. You also get to learn some important coping skills which you'll need to be armed with moving forward. Also, they partner you with a sponsor or sobriety coach that is there for you 24/7 and supports your sobriety. I think the fact you're going to therapy is WONDERFUL and you should definitely continue on with it (I think everyone should be in some kind of therapy!) but I would take in at least couple of AA meetings and test out the water. You might have to have another chat with your hubby so he's on the same page as you or better yet, get him into AL ANON so HE can learn how to cope and support you. Good luck! Edited May 30, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle
TiredFamilyGuy Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 OP For realising you have a problem, immense respect. As for your husband there are alternative interpretations (i) He does not appreciate that you have cut it out yet, or has heard the words but does not appreciate that you mean it and also that you need his serious support on this (ii) Your drinking makes you in some sense easier to be with, more controllable, less able to hold his behaviour over him. I'll be an optimist and say assume (i) unless you have reason otherwise. As for you: this is a journey. People who drink lots (and BTW you are definitely a recovering alcoholic at that level of consumption) do so for many reasons but usually including deep emotional ones: to displace a negative emotion, fill a void, to achieve a feeling they don't otherwise attain. There are also other reasons. What is it for you? Good luck and here's hoping that you keep the strength of will, overcome the inevitable reversals, and steer your life.
Author Mommame2 Posted May 31, 2014 Author Posted May 31, 2014 Yes I was definitely drinking for a lot of reasons. I am bankrupt. (Although it wasn't granted). I rarely see my soN because of my long hours. My husband isn't working full time ... I'm working full time as bread winner AND trying to come up w ways to save us financially. My husband won't go to therapy although we have been before. We don't have sex. I don't want to be near him. And I want to cheat... My therapist thinks he is "man child" and she's been trying to get me strong enough to finally leave. I have been drinking because I am sad, scared and the days are not enjoyable. It has been 7 days now. No alcohol and I feel better. But I miss it. I am trying to stay strong. Let my eyes open wider and hopefully see the hole I have put myself in.. 1
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