Juswantmore Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 Ok... This might be long but I promise it's the cliff note version! And I am desperate for help as I feel like I'm The only one around me that is rational and not purely dysfunctional! My bf and I have been dating for 2 years... He wasn't divorced and not even moved out of the house with his wife before we started dating. But I had no idea... Hence the first break up! Then we broke up around thanksgiving because we ended up living together and I quickly learned that although he is a very insecure, non violent person he was also very unhappy, verbally abusive, and angry. I tried to help him, I tried to get him on meds, get him counseling, teach him to communicate, and stand up to his mother which was the root of his problems! But at that point I couldn't live in turmoil but still wanted to be friends and offer my help! He was doing better but with his major money issues and his extreme jealousy, passive aggressive personality and separation issues I decided I couldn't handle the stress.... So after a few break ups and his persistency we end up back together but this time I lived in my own place and he lived at his moms. Better that way, we decided to go super slow be good friends work thru problems and help each other. After a few months I decided I would move the relationship to a serious dating one but did not ever want to move back in together! He stats on weekends, gets mad that I don't ask him to sleep over during the week and really he wants to live together... Not an option! I know it would help me financially! This man would do anything for me!! He is completely in love and very attached! Doesn't want to do anything but help me with my kids, my finances( even though his are horrible and he isn't paying child support) and bends over backward everyday to make my life easier! I have 3 boys and he's wonderful to them and they like him But he doesn't see his often because his mother has taken over the parenting role! That's a whole post in itself!!! I guess my issue is I LOVE his friendship! I love the fun we have together and his sense of humor and all he does for me! But there is a respect issue and he can be so passive aggressive and so emotional for a man I just don't know how to or if I should deal with it anymore! I mean I don't think there is a man out there that would do for me the way he does but our communication, his jealous, and all his family drama and money issues make me want to run!!! I have broken up with him too many times to count but always go back! Why?? I like no love being alone! Maybe cause he's my BFF and I don't want to lose that... I don't know and could go on forever about his issues and my fears but maybe some insights from others might help so I'll shut up now:)
slizl Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 - poor communication - jealousy issues - family drama - money issues Four red flags right there. I typcially allow two before I cut bait.... 1
Assasda Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 For me personally respect is a very BIG thing. If youre not getting the respect you deserve, you dont need to stick around. -- I believe that was one of the many flaws that you mentioned. When people don't respect you, they lie to you, and do all sorts of things to take advantage. OP if you have problems operating alone, you should handle some of your insecurity issues as well. Good Luck 1
littleplanet Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 Unfortunately it's a whole package - some good, some bad, some awful. Eventually you have to sit down and consider the relationship material. If that is what you really need, and it's not there - then what does that mean? Loving his friendship is great - but a functional relationship doesn't run on that alone. From what you describe - he has issues that you can't solve for him. He has to do that himself. There's a good reason why the stuff makes you want to run. When you've had enough, you need a break. If he's on the same old merry-go-round, then where's his committment to change? If you always give in, take him back....he gets too used to not having to make that effort. Sometimes....the drama just becomes too much. Consider why it is you don't live together. He's not taking charge of his life. He's just cruising. Friendship is a wonderful thing. It is what it is. But when you want it to move on into other things and it can't/won't - then you have to consider options. 1
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