How do I know if my co worker is flirting with me online?

[stillafool]

Why can't you have a female friend to confide in? Why does it have to be a man? You still have not answered this question.

 

This guy probably flirts with many women and anyone can see you are needy and he's just feeding it. It is an ego boost for him.

[TCnTG]

I am not intentionally "confiding" in a man... he is the guy I work with and I have only talked to him about my troubles with the work that we do together.

With regards to my issues at home, I do speak regularly with a girlfriend who is my best friend from childhood and she also knows about my situation with this guy at work.

What I get from him in the way of attention, is obviously something that wouldn't give the same level of satisfaction coming from a girl, now would it?

[d0nnivain]

Just because your husband won't go to therapy or marriage counseling doesn't mean you shouldn't go.

 

 

You both sound busy & you seem to have lost your connection. If he's constantly working & doing things around the house, he may not realize that there is a problem. Men don't view things the same way.

 

 

Can you treat yourself to some new lingerie & send the kids to a sleep over then plan a romantic night with your husband? Show him that you still find him sexy & in the middle of the dinner express how much you are enjoying the adult time & could you please do it more. If you give men specific guidelines about what you want . . . a bubble bath, a monthly date, a flirty text .. . . the good ones will try to give it to you but you have to make is super easy for them

[TCnTG]

Ironically, we don't have any issues in the bedroom... and in fact, my renewed sense of self has actually helped out in that department, would you believe?

We have never done things like date-nights (we live in country Italy and culturally, it would be laughed at) so I wouldn't even try that... you know the more I think about it and read your posts here, the more I realise that it is really just the fact of having a guy respond in an understanding manner that I am attracted to... you know this co-worker just makes me feel special and yes, maybe he does it with other co workers as well, but I don't care because I have no intention of sharing a life with him plus, he has a wife... so to me, it's a no-brainer - he is off-limits as far as taking this any further goes...

 

Having said that, it does seem like a good idea to have some adult time with my husband, without the bedroom; as you said, a meal, some conversation... I would be willing to give that a try, thanks.

Edited May 29, 2014 by TCnTG

[pteromom]

Yes, flirting with your co-worker is wrong. You have become infatuated with him, so if he did tell you that you are beautiful and he dreams about you and he would love to meet you IRL, it wouldn't take much for you to keep falling.

 

You need to cut that off NOW. Become professional and keep it that way. Do not call him pet names or flirt.

 

As far as your marriage goes, I would go to therapy without your husband. Perhaps the counselor can give you some advice to help get your husband in there too, or can give you some advice on how to get what you want out of your marriage.

 

It is your money too. Your husband may be stubborn but you have the ability to create your own boundaries... "This just isn't working for me so we need to find a different way to handle finances."

[TCnTG]

Yes I could go to see someone on my own... I guess I just didn't think that it was that bad, what I was doing... though you are right that if he did start suggesting more, I would be putty in his hands, I agree that I would keep falling.

I am going to put this to the test tomorrow morning. No pet names, no flirting.

 

 

I thank you all so very much for taking the time to respond and for giving me your honest opinions.

Please don't hesitate to keep posting if you want to say more or ask me any other questions - I need all of the help I can get here - this is really hard for me and I just want to be happy at the end of the day... didn't think I was asking for much, just obviously going about it the wrong way...

 

Oh another thing: do you think I should just stop on my end and say nothing about it, or should I make some comment to him about stopping too and let him know how I feel and that it is something I do not wish to continue?

[pink_sugar]

Others may disagree, but honestly I would just stop and try and work on things with your husband so this doesn't continue. I think telling him you were flirting with a coworker isn't really going to improve anything.

 

As for your coworker, just start being professional as if nothing happened and when he continues, just tell him you'd like to keep your working relationship professional.

Edited May 29, 2014 by pink_sugar

[Survivor12]

Oh, you mean say something to him so that you can open a dialogue about your feelings and hope he'll convince you to continue (which won't take much as you've already admitted)?

 

No, you start acting like a married woman, not a giddy schoolgirl. No pet names, no talk about feelings (no, not even about work) and limit your conversations to what is required for your job.

 

And, as I said before, if you really can't get your husband's attention, tell him about your "need" for attention from the online guy. He will definitely be interested.

[stillafool]

I am not intentionally "confiding" in a man... he is the guy I work with and I have only talked to him about my troubles with the work that we do together.

With regards to my issues at home, I do speak regularly with a girlfriend who is my best friend from childhood and she also knows about my situation with this guy at work.

What I get from him in the way of attention, is obviously something that wouldn't give the same level of satisfaction coming from a girl, now would it?

 

Well you obviously have a crush on this guy and have romantic feelings toward him since it is a mans attention that you want. Stop it right now because you know how inappropriate you are behaving and that this is an emotional affair. If you are only happy with your job because of the attention of this other man you need to quit and find something else to do. I guarantee your husband will pay attention if you tell him your lack of it is causing you to feel attraction towards another man. Try it, he will come around.

[d0nnivain]

I would alter your behavior with the co-worker, stop the pet names & the banter but I wouldn't bring it to his attention unless he asks.

[spiderowl]

Hi everyone

I am new here and I have a problem that I am hoping you can help me with.

I am married with 2 children and I have a fairly good home life. Lately though, my husband has become difficult to talk with and I find myself often craving more attention. He is not used to getting into deep and meaningfuls about life and I feel like he lacks respect for me in many areas also. Under all of this, we do have a strong love for each other and I don't wish to leave him.

Now, my problem is this... I have recently started working online and deal with one person on a day to day basis. We have spoken several times on the phone over the 3 months, but other than that, we only use skype chat. I am infatuated with this guy and I don't know whether he has some interest in me other than for work purposes, so I really want your opinion. He is also married and a few years younger than me. We use terms like darling, dear, sweetheart because he really is so very sweet and he has told me that he thinks I am too. He compliments my work progress often and says he really enjoys working with me etc etc. About a month ago I asked him for his photo and he sent me 2 different images and then about a week ago he asked me for mine. When I sent it through, he wrote "pretty nice" and a kiss smiley. He uses kiss emoticons regularly and jokes around a fair bit with his chat. I think it is innocent from his side because he is very professional apart from the banter and kisses... I don't know, I sort of want him to like me too, but feel it could be dangerous waters... please tell me what you all think, cos I am so confused. I did not see this coming, honestly, and that obviously means I am missing something in my marriage. Please offer some useful advice, because I know some of you will just start on the moral issues, but I really want to know what I should do... my co worker is in another country and I just don't believe he would leave his marriage either... so what is it then? Could he just be like this with everyone he deals with? Thanks for any advice.

 

A colleague of mine used to call me 'darling' when he rang me, but he was gay!

 

You are on dangerous territory, but you know that.

 

It sounds like he's flirting but you've clearly been flirting with him. Asking him to send you some photos is not professional behaviour towards a remote-working colleague.

 

Whether either of you would leave your partners is another matter, but so far you are only flirting online. There are many steps before it gets to that stage.

 

It's hard to give any advice on this. He may or may not be flirting, he may not be remotely interested in leaving his wife. He might consider an affair. Would that appeal to you? I think this is indicative of your unhappy state at present and it's understandable you want to be loved and desired. You can try to work this out with your husband but if he isn't willing, why continue with this marriage when you could be free to meet others?

[silvershadowbeliever]

A colleague of mine used to call me 'darling' when he rang me, but he was gay!

 

You are on dangerous territory, but you know that.

 

It sounds like he's flirting but you've clearly been flirting with him. Asking him to send you some photos is not professional behaviour towards a remote-working colleague.

 

Whether either of you would leave your partners is another matter, but so far you are only flirting online. There are many steps before it gets to that stage.

 

It's hard to give any advice on this. He may or may not be flirting, he may not be remotely interested in leaving his wife. He might consider an affair. Would that appeal to you? I think this is indicative of your unhappy state at present and it's understandable you want to be loved and desired. You can try to work this out with your husband but if he isn't willing, why continue with this marriage when you could be free to meet others?

 

I was also going to say that unless he's gay, men usually don't say sweetie and sweetheart to women they work with unless they have other intentions.

[TCnTG]

Hi everyone,

It is morning here and I have just slept on all of these words that you have all written to me and I know that you are right and this needs to stop. I will be starting work with him in the next couple of hours and I will do my part to stop the flirting. I do really want to keep going with this job, and I tried to imagine the work without him and it still is something I wish to do, so I hope that I can keep this cool. I will let you know how I go today, a little later on. Thanks again. I can't say that I am happy about it, but I understand the potential and probabile ramifications if I continue this...

[CarrieT]

We are proud of you. We all know it is difficult - especially the first few days.

 

The infatuation you have is like a drug and stopping cold turkey will feel like withdrawals. Post here often, if you need, to help get through the temptations to flirt.

 

You've made a good choice.

[TCnTG]

I just wanted to let anyone interested know that I have refrained today from ANY form of flirting with this guy... it has been really difficult, but at least he has been busy with other work and so he hasn't done any either...

I miss him and have been crying on and off all day because I just didn't realise how attached I had become... we don't work over the weekends, so I have 2 days to psyche myself up for monday... I am doing my best here but it just feels awful at this point...

I have also realised that I am so angry at my husband for disconnecting that I don't even know where I would begin in trying to talk with him... but I guess this is one step at a time and so I will see how I feel tomorrow. Right now I am just too sad...

[littleplanet]

Ok... so let's assume I have done my best to discuss everything with my husband that I am missing from him...

What then? So he says, yeah yeah yeah and nothing changes... should we get divorced because of it? I thought I was doing something to manage the situation, like trying to keep myself sane here, but from what you are all saying... this is really bad. Would none of you even consider doing what I am doing with another person? I just don't see how me leaving my husband would fix anything - that is a whole other complicated situation and so what is being suggested here is to put up with him and his ways, and not have any outlet at all... I don't get it. I feel like all avenues are bad news here. Is there no middle ground where you can just confide in someone else? What is the difference between telling a co worker and telling a friend?

 

You've had some great advice here,OP.

 

You need to see your own red flags.

There is something missing in your marriage - that is big enough, important enough to cause you to do something you otherwise wouldn't.

You dismiss your husband as uncaring, dismissive, unsupportive.

So let's say all that is true.

But does this mean you wave him away like a lost cause? A known quantity that will never change?

People are stubborn.

Often they will not change until forced to.

Sometimes circumstances force the issue.

Like the threat of losing a wife that they don't want to lose.

 

A flirtation in a far-distant country feels perhaps safe.....harmless - because it doesn't really touch the reality of your life.

(That is the person you come home from work to.)

 

(later - end of thread)

 

Aw shucks.

Yeah - this is what happens when what seems like an innocent little thing we thought we were in complete control of - turns out to be bigger than it appeared.

But your emotional response - doesn't mean necessarily that deep an attachment to that fellow-worker.

It may very well mean that you're unhappy in your marriage - to a degree that needs to be addressed.

 

So far you've started by doing a right thing.

More to follow....

 

Hang in there!