Bishop556 Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 I have been recently thinking of suicide, even though I never would do it as I know how it would impact those who love me. I know these are selfish thoughts, but I had an emotional breakdown today. I've always been an emotional man, taking everything to heart. I had a wonderful childhood, but that was shattered when I entered middle school. I was very sheltered as a child. During preschool, I was recognized for the gifted program, and eventually entered the gifted program in second grade, being completely isolated from the rest of the school population. During middle school, I was bullied by all my classmates and even my teachers. I had no friends as I was a very shy kid, but my classmates made me feel like I was completely worthless as a human being. Being called gay, fag, piece of ****, bitch, and so affected me when I was in my preeteens. Even my teachers made jokes about me. I remember my science teacher telling me that I was a "fag boy" and all my classmates laughing and congratulating her. It got to the point where I was planning to kill myself, I confessed that I didn't want to live to my own mother. I would be forced to fight on my school bus constantly just to survive, usually being beaten to the ground, but it was a weekly thing. I tried to verbally defend myself, telling all my bullies to stop harassing and abusing me, but that did not stop them. Only when I became violent was when they stop. For example, there a classmate I had, Patrick, who would constantly tell me I was a fag. He was the source of most of my trauma. I would try to defend myself, but I never wanted to fight him. Once I threatened to break his nose in the school bathroom was when he finally stopped. Still the damage was done. I was undergoing extreme depression. My mom brought me into therapy and I felt better for a while. During high school, I fell into drugs for a while, hanging out with the wrong people, as I felt those were the only people who would accept me. Everyone else treated me as I was an outcast. I eventually realized that these friends I was with were unhealthy to have around. They were so preoccupied with doing opiates, I lived in Broward County, known as the opiate capital of the US, that it was healthier for me to not have them as my friends and be alone. I had one friend, Alex, who truly was there for me and I love him like he is my own brother. Another traumatizing event that occurred to me was when I discovered the negative effects of being circumcised. I could barely feel anything with my ex during the first month or two of us having sex, I thought I was abnormal. Once I found out that it was because of the damage due to circumcision, I fell into major depression. Feeling betrayed by my parents, especially when my father told me that he allowed the operation because everyone else did it, I fell into major depression. Luckily, I have been undergoing foreskin restoration and my sex life as gotten infinitely better, but I was still depressed. My ex grew very unhappy due to my depression, because of the trauma I was experiencing. Once I found this out, as she never told me until after leaving me, I felt another feeling of betrayal as I was trying to make her happy even when I wasn't throughout my relationship. I did not want to be unhappy, I was going through therapy, I didn't want to experience this depression, My ex's happiness was always more important that my own, I always put her needs before my own. My therapist told me that possibly one of the reasons I raised a fist at my ex when she was yelling and berating me during my panic attack was that it could have triggered how I felt when I was a child back in middle school, being abused by my classmates. That it was a primal instinct of self defense during a time of great emotional stress. Even after I found out she was seeing the same man she emotionally cheated on with me felt, I felt absolute guilt for raising a fist at her. My therapist told me that this is probably due to believing I deserved the abuse my teachers and classmates told me. I felt like I deserved my abuse. My friends, family, therapist, and people on other forums such as enotalone have all told me I have been being too hard on myself about my break up, that that my ex has committed heinous acts towards me, more or less, labeling me as abusive so she could be guilt free for having sex with someone she had feelings for, lied to me about throughout our entire relationship and probably cheated with, and still feel like a good person. And yet, I felt like I deserved everything she did to me and believed everything she said about me. I should be grateful about my life. I was truly blessed with wonderful, true friends now. I am a good looking man with plenty of opportunity. Luckily, I was accepted to FSU. I'm pursuing my passions by double majoring in Astrophysics and Philosophy, maintaining a 3.9 GPA, but I'm still carrying the baggage of my past with me. I do not want to commit suicide, I care about my loved ones too much to do something that selfish too them. I jsut want to be as happy with who I am. Life feels like a constant challenge just to survive. Thank you for listening to me, I just needed to vent. My therapy sessions were priceless so far. They truly have helped me move on with my life. Thank you listening once again.
d0nnivain Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 I am so very glad you are in therapy. Keep going. Reach out when you feel particularly low. It will help. 2
todreaminblue Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 its funny i have just realised you are a survivor who thanks people for listening too,the kye word listening......when you are actually writing so therefore it would logically be reading..... I am another survivor......my abuse extreme and multiples of...... i have a developing theory that all survivors of abuse are likely to thank people for taking time to listen.......such an easy thing to do to listen.......it is the first thing that turns us from one minute a survivor to the next minute a victim, us ,as the victim and not survivors, we suddenly feel to listen to us is a chore.......therefore thanks are in order..... i have to ask.......are you being listened to by your therapist or do you feel he or she isnt getting it and her answer are actually responses of a stock standard generic psychology case studies book that he/she has read.......i honestly get more repose from reading the bible or going to church......i had to look up repose after i had written it because as a multiple personality.... sometimes what i write doesnt make a lot of sense to me......but it is the right word .....so now i go back to you..... have you done any group therapy yet?...who isnt listening to you?..deb 2
Author Bishop556 Posted May 27, 2014 Author Posted May 27, 2014 (edited) its funny i have just realised you are a survivor who thanks people for listening too,the kye word listening......when you are actually writing so therefore it would logically be reading..... I am another survivor......my abuse extreme and multiples of...... i have a developing theory that all survivors of abuse are likely to thank people for taking time to listen.......such an easy thing to do to listen.......it is the first thing that turns us from one minute a survivor to the next minute a victim, us ,as the victim and not survivors, we suddenly feel to listen to us is a chore.......therefore thanks are in order..... i have to ask.......are you being listened to by your therapist or do you feel he or she isnt getting it and her answer are actually responses of a stock standard generic psychology case studies book that he/she has read.......i honestly get more repose from reading the bible or going to church......i had to look up repose after i had written it because as a multiple personality.... sometimes what i write doesnt make a lot of sense to me......but it is the right word .....so now i go back to you..... have you done any group therapy yet?...who isnt listening to you?..deb My therapist is very good. She has helped me immensely. Yes, she does use psychological bull**** occasionally, but she is better than most of my therapists have been. I've never tried group therapy, but I wouldn't mind trying. I believe the issue is that I do not feel comfortable talking about this with anyone besides very few people. Only my family, my ex, and best friend Alex knows, no one else, besides the people on here reading. I just do not feel comfortable talking about this with others, and the anonymous nature of these forums provides comfort. I felt too ashamed to discuss this with most people, I beat myself up for a while why I could not defend myself better and prevent how these people treated me. Edited May 27, 2014 by Bishop556 3
stillfiguringitallou Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 We never can Thing thing about knowing you're a survivor - is knowing you have conquered worse and lived to tell the tale. Big hugs to you. This board can be great - use the resources that fit your life - don't those that don't I will say - having survived multiple forms of abuse as a child - we are more prone to allow people to treat us poorly - or to treat others poorly as a defense mechanism. Try to be cognizant of BOTH truths in life - and you will be okay at the end of the day 2
todreaminblue Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 (edited) My therapist is very good. She has helped me immensely. Yes, she does use psychological bull**** occasionally, but she is better than most of my therapists have been. I've never tried group therapy, but I wouldn't mind trying. I believe the issue is that I do not feel comfortable talking about this with anyone besides very few people. Only my family, my ex, and best friend Alex knows, no one else, besides the people on here reading. I just do not feel comfortable talking about this with others, and the anonymous nature of these forums provides comfort. I felt too ashamed to discuss this with most people, I beat myself up for a while why I could not defend myself better and prevent how these people treated me. ok i have done a lot of therapy....group has been the most productive.....in here is like group therapy but safer for me......because something i am dealing with normally comes up and is dealt with in multiple perspectives...........i dont even need to say what i am struggling with.......and people on here dont develop feelings for me and i dont develop feelings for them where i want to reach out as they reach for me in a manner that isnt really appropriate to continue therapy...........that is part of my problem......creating more problems as far as shame goes i hear you...but.......one thing i attack vehemently is my need to tell the people i am close to or who i trust.......or who i need to help in some way.......regardless of my feelings of self worthlessness confusion and shame i attack those feelings ....and i am better for it.....i write a lot of them out fo existence and i move on....... i know my flaws but this has helped me immensely it is nto my flaw...... up until eight years of age i was not accountable.......you dont understand how that helps me......and i wont go into detail...whatever happened is not my sin to bear...what happens now is mine good or bad and i own it......what happened then ill use it where i can and make it positive.....whatever i have negative .....goes to god.....and what i feel comfortable telling my bishop with......i trust him too ........i dont want to burden him.....i burdened one bishop already.......but i am an honest person and somehow i think he already knows when i need to talk......just a thought.....he doesnt get paid like a psychologist and is more concerned with my spiritual welfare which is what i worry about so talking to my bishop is the next best thing to god and myself......i am single so a partner if i had one would be after god then bishop and i follow chain of command always...it keeps me sane......in spite of shame....in spite of worry ...in spite of my own desire to know all....it keeps me sane.......in spite of how i feel or what i feel following a chain of command brings order and peace and correctness that cannot be beaten.....beats up shame......and allows em to keep trying day after day through everything.....even when i cant face a day.......i am still here you are not responsible for anothers actions.......especially as a child as a teen who needs to be guided .......if every body followed the chain of command starting with god there would be peace on earth......sounds heavenly doesnt it....no pain no tears just peace on earth, good will to man.......that aint happening.......not here ....in heaven yeah.....i can wait it out....... until then .....people are really going to do stuffed up messed up crappy things to each other including children who need protection and guidance not bullying crappy stuffed up unfeeling uncaring dirt..i am trying to not let go with expletives could most certainly....swear like a sailor i could....wouldnt help though..........its not getting better its getting worse........the only thing we can do ....after having some of that crap thrown our way.......is to guide someone else going through it.......to give relief to another who hasnt years to deal with it yet.......who might need help speaking up and saying no enough...as we couldnt do...we can help...even if a little....... dotn beat yourself up because no one helped you speak up.....you are now th evoice to make the difference to another also........be a big brother to another.....a brother from another mother......) friend...dont be ashamed...know now you have something different you have exactly in your heart what it feels like to be on the hard end of feeling insignificant.......you can feel because you have felt...makes you an empath in the making......not a person with sympathy needed or a person to feel ashamed......you are now an empath.......who can stand beside another and say help required..yeah down here this kid needs help.........this guy or girl feels like crap so help them.......little by little you become stronger more resolute......more in control of how you feel when you see th efdffierence understanding can bring you and bring you into anothers life......things make sense a little.......making a difference is never easy....and often the only difference can be made from someone who knows what it is like to feel.....different...... i am not going to say thank you for reading this.......fellow survivor.....i am going to say thankyou for reading through my "different" post containing many ellipses....... because if you understood it after reading it and didnt need a headache tablet .....you are truly gifted...so thankyou for your time.........smilin hugs deb Edited May 28, 2014 by todreaminblue 1
bluenote Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 I want to congratulate you, you are a very strong person, why do I say this? For those of us who believe in a higher power,God only allows you to be tested according to your strengths as a person, meaning he is certain that you will be the victor, however; it is up to you to own up and present willingness to overcome. It is up to you to stand up when you fall or if everyone drops you. You have come this far and I know despite your self pity and doubt which is fair enough, you have become an even stronger personthan most from all your experiences. Some situations are extremely dificult and beyond what you think you can overcome or survive, but you do have the inner power to equal your challenges. You have something to contribute to this world, remember the bigger picture, focus on that and over time you will understand or begin to grasp why all this happens to you. 2
Author Bishop556 Posted May 28, 2014 Author Posted May 28, 2014 I want to congratulate you, you are a very strong person, why do I say this? For those of us who believe in a higher power,God only allows you to be tested according to your strengths as a person, meaning he is certain that you will be the victor, however; it is up to you to own up and present willingness to overcome. It is up to you to stand up when you fall or if everyone drops you. You have come this far and I know despite your self pity and doubt which is fair enough, you have become an even stronger personthan most from all your experiences. Some situations are extremely dificult and beyond what you think you can overcome or survive, but you do have the inner power to equal your challenges. You have something to contribute to this world, remember the bigger picture, focus on that and over time you will understand or begin to grasp why all this happens to you. Thank you. Self pity has always been an issue for me, but I truly do not try to feel sorry for myself. After my break up, I realized I need to develop happiness for myself. While I cannot forget what happened to me, I can move on from it and become happy with who I am. I realized I was carrying a lot of baggage from my past that was hindering my future. While it takes time to truly move on from this traumatic period in my life, I feel I'm on the right track. 3
Author Bishop556 Posted May 28, 2014 Author Posted May 28, 2014 ok i have done a lot of therapy....group has been the most productive.....in here is like group therapy but safer for me......because something i am dealing with normally comes up and is dealt with in multiple perspectives...........i dont even need to say what i am struggling with.......and people on here dont develop feelings for me and i dont develop feelings for them where i want to reach out as they reach for me in a manner that isnt really appropriate to continue therapy...........that is part of my problem......creating more problems as far as shame goes i hear you...but.......one thing i attack vehemently is my need to tell the people i am close to or who i trust.......or who i need to help in some way.......regardless of my feelings of self worthlessness confusion and shame i attack those feelings ....and i am better for it.....i write a lot of them out fo existence and i move on....... i know my flaws but this has helped me immensely it is nto my flaw...... up until eight years of age i was not accountable.......you dont understand how that helps me......and i wont go into detail...whatever happened is not my sin to bear...what happens now is mine good or bad and i own it......what happened then ill use it where i can and make it positive.....whatever i have negative .....goes to god.....and what i feel comfortable telling my bishop with......i trust him too ........i dont want to burden him.....i burdened one bishop already.......but i am an honest person and somehow i think he already knows when i need to talk......just a thought.....he doesnt get paid like a psychologist and is more concerned with my spiritual welfare which is what i worry about so talking to my bishop is the next best thing to god and myself......i am single so a partner if i had one would be after god then bishop and i follow chain of command always...it keeps me sane......in spite of shame....in spite of worry ...in spite of my own desire to know all....it keeps me sane.......in spite of how i feel or what i feel following a chain of command brings order and peace and correctness that cannot be beaten.....beats up shame......and allows em to keep trying day after day through everything.....even when i cant face a day.......i am still here you are not responsible for anothers actions.......especially as a child as a teen who needs to be guided .......if every body followed the chain of command starting with god there would be peace on earth......sounds heavenly doesnt it....no pain no tears just peace on earth, good will to man.......that aint happening.......not here ....in heaven yeah.....i can wait it out....... until then .....people are really going to do stuffed up messed up crappy things to each other including children who need protection and guidance not bullying crappy stuffed up unfeeling uncaring dirt..i am trying to not let go with expletives could most certainly....swear like a sailor i could....wouldnt help though..........its not getting better its getting worse........the only thing we can do ....after having some of that crap thrown our way.......is to guide someone else going through it.......to give relief to another who hasnt years to deal with it yet.......who might need help speaking up and saying no enough...as we couldnt do...we can help...even if a little....... dotn beat yourself up because no one helped you speak up.....you are now th evoice to make the difference to another also........be a big brother to another.....a brother from another mother......) friend...dont be ashamed...know now you have something different you have exactly in your heart what it feels like to be on the hard end of feeling insignificant.......you can feel because you have felt...makes you an empath in the making......not a person with sympathy needed or a person to feel ashamed......you are now an empath.......who can stand beside another and say help required..yeah down here this kid needs help.........this guy or girl feels like crap so help them.......little by little you become stronger more resolute......more in control of how you feel when you see th efdffierence understanding can bring you and bring you into anothers life......things make sense a little.......making a difference is never easy....and often the only difference can be made from someone who knows what it is like to feel.....different...... i am not going to say thank you for reading this.......fellow survivor.....i am going to say thankyou for reading through my "different" post containing many ellipses....... because if you understood it after reading it and didnt need a headache tablet .....you are truly gifted...so thankyou for your time.........smilin hugs deb Thank you, honestly. I do feel I have more empathy for people after this. This is not to say I'm perfect by any means. I've done pretty terrible things to people, but I feel I am more empathetic to other's troubles. I just remember one time I was on a video chat room and I met someone who was crying to me about feeling alone in life, someone who had a mother that actually told her that she was better off dead. I spent an hour talking to her, telling her that she actually was a beautiful girl who had a lot to live for, that she is worthy of living, that she will find love someday and that she is truly a wonderful person even if others say she isn't. I gave her my email if she ever needed someone to talk to. I'll never forget when she told me that she was so grateful I talked to her as she could go to bed knowing someone cared about her and understood how she was feeling. She never emailed me, but this instance left a lasting imprint. I never expected to talk to her, it just happened at 11 pm on some idle weekday. 4
AnyaNova Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 I have been recently thinking of suicide, even though I never would do it as I know how it would impact those who love me. I know these are selfish thoughts, but I had an emotional breakdown today. I've always been an emotional man, taking everything to heart. I had a wonderful childhood, but that was shattered when I entered middle school. I was very sheltered as a child. During preschool, I was recognized for the gifted program, and eventually entered the gifted program in second grade, being completely isolated from the rest of the school population. During middle school, I was bullied by all my classmates and even my teachers. I had no friends as I was a very shy kid, but my classmates made me feel like I was completely worthless as a human being. Being called gay, fag, piece of ****, bitch, and so affected me when I was in my preeteens. Even my teachers made jokes about me. I remember my science teacher telling me that I was a "fag boy" and all my classmates laughing and congratulating her. It got to the point where I was planning to kill myself, I confessed that I didn't want to live to my own mother. I would be forced to fight on my school bus constantly just to survive, usually being beaten to the ground, but it was a weekly thing. I tried to verbally defend myself, telling all my bullies to stop harassing and abusing me, but that did not stop them. Only when I became violent was when they stop. For example, there a classmate I had, Patrick, who would constantly tell me I was a fag. He was the source of most of my trauma. I would try to defend myself, but I never wanted to fight him. Once I threatened to break his nose in the school bathroom was when he finally stopped. Still the damage was done. I was undergoing extreme depression. My mom brought me into therapy and I felt better for a while. During high school, I fell into drugs for a while, hanging out with the wrong people, as I felt those were the only people who would accept me. Everyone else treated me as I was an outcast. I eventually realized that these friends I was with were unhealthy to have around. They were so preoccupied with doing opiates, I lived in Broward County, known as the opiate capital of the US, that it was healthier for me to not have them as my friends and be alone. I had one friend, Alex, who truly was there for me and I love him like he is my own brother. Another traumatizing event that occurred to me was when I discovered the negative effects of being circumcised. I could barely feel anything with my ex during the first month or two of us having sex, I thought I was abnormal. Once I found out that it was because of the damage due to circumcision, I fell into major depression. Feeling betrayed by my parents, especially when my father told me that he allowed the operation because everyone else did it, I fell into major depression. Luckily, I have been undergoing foreskin restoration and my sex life as gotten infinitely better, but I was still depressed. My ex grew very unhappy due to my depression, because of the trauma I was experiencing. Once I found this out, as she never told me until after leaving me, I felt another feeling of betrayal as I was trying to make her happy even when I wasn't throughout my relationship. I did not want to be unhappy, I was going through therapy, I didn't want to experience this depression, My ex's happiness was always more important that my own, I always put her needs before my own. My therapist told me that possibly one of the reasons I raised a fist at my ex when she was yelling and berating me during my panic attack was that it could have triggered how I felt when I was a child back in middle school, being abused by my classmates. That it was a primal instinct of self defense during a time of great emotional stress. Even after I found out she was seeing the same man she emotionally cheated on with me felt, I felt absolute guilt for raising a fist at her. My therapist told me that this is probably due to believing I deserved the abuse my teachers and classmates told me. I felt like I deserved my abuse. My friends, family, therapist, and people on other forums such as enotalone have all told me I have been being too hard on myself about my break up, that that my ex has committed heinous acts towards me, more or less, labeling me as abusive so she could be guilt free for having sex with someone she had feelings for, lied to me about throughout our entire relationship and probably cheated with, and still feel like a good person. And yet, I felt like I deserved everything she did to me and believed everything she said about me. I should be grateful about my life. I was truly blessed with wonderful, true friends now. I am a good looking man with plenty of opportunity. Luckily, I was accepted to FSU. I'm pursuing my passions by double majoring in Astrophysics and Philosophy, maintaining a 3.9 GPA, but I'm still carrying the baggage of my past with me. I do not want to commit suicide, I care about my loved ones too much to do something that selfish too them. I jsut want to be as happy with who I am. Life feels like a constant challenge just to survive. Thank you for listening to me, I just needed to vent. My therapy sessions were priceless so far. They truly have helped me move on with my life. Thank you listening once again. For totally different reasons I am right there with you. I never would do it because of the being selfish when there are many people who love and care about me, but also because I attempted in the past and if I'd succeeded all those years ago, I never would have gotten to experience many wonderful things in my life. But this health thing I've got going on. The way the bottom will suddenly drop out of my body and mind, and then when I supplement the right thing I'll be back for awhile but never for long. I know treatment will start soon, after our next appointment) but right now I am in limbo and it is a hellish one. It sounds like you have been through a lot in your life. I am glad you are in therapy. It is nice to know someone else thinks about it but wouldn't do it.
Author Bishop556 Posted May 28, 2014 Author Posted May 28, 2014 I was trying to edit my previous post, but I could not edit due to loveshack'ss rules. So, here it is: Another instance occurred to me when I was trying to call a taxi during an ordinary Saturday right next to a McDonalds. I spoke with a man who told me how his life disintegrated due to opiates. I, too, dabbled in opiates during my high school life to numb the pain I felt. I knew how opiates could take you over if you weren't careful. Due to his drug addiction, his wife left him. He decided to move to St. Louis to make a better life for himself. I'm not religious, but I do believe in some higher power that is incomprehensible to human understanding. In that moment, I learned the true meaning of redemption, from a man who took responsibility for his mistakes, and decided to risk it all to make a better life for himself. I gave him some money, told him he was a good man, and then he left to the bus stop. On a Saturday at some random McDonalds, I had one of the most spiritual experiences of my entire life. I'll never meet him again, but I'll never forget what transpired between us. I don't like to think that these events occurred to me for a reason, as I do not like to believe that suffering is inherit for true growth, but it does seem that way. I am grateful through that I recovered from the experience as it has allowed me to develop understanding and compassion for others. So, in that way, I am grateful. I would not be who I am today without that my past experiences. 3
pteromom Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 I was trying to edit my previous post, but I could not edit due to loveshack'ss rules. So, here it is: Another instance occurred to me when I was trying to call a taxi during an ordinary Saturday right next to a McDonalds. I spoke with a man who told me how his life disintegrated due to opiates. I, too, dabbled in opiates during my high school life to numb the pain I felt. I knew how opiates could take you over if you weren't careful. Due to his drug addiction, his wife left him. He decided to move to St. Louis to make a better life for himself. I'm not religious, but I do believe in some higher power that is incomprehensible to human understanding. In that moment, I learned the true meaning of redemption, from a man who took responsibility for his mistakes, and decided to risk it all to make a better life for himself. I gave him some money, told him he was a good man, and then he left to the bus stop. On a Saturday at some random McDonalds, I had one of the most spiritual experiences of my entire life. I'll never meet him again, but I'll never forget what transpired between us. I don't like to think that these events occurred to me for a reason, as I do not like to believe that suffering is inherit for true growth, but it does seem that way. I am grateful through that I recovered from the experience as it has allowed me to develop understanding and compassion for others. So, in that way, I am grateful. I would not be who I am today without that my past experiences. Are you sure you are going into the right field for you? You seem very smart and caring. Perhaps you would make an excellent counselor or psychologist. Sometimes things DO happen for a reason. I am sorry for all the pain you have been through, and angry at those who caused you to doubt your worth. Do not continue to beat yourself up for past mistakes. The important thing is what you learned from them, in order to become better. But you are not your mistakes. You are pure potential, and you can be the person you want to be. Keep moving forward. That black hole may be beckoning, but you can give it the finger and move toward the light. Do NOT give up. You have much to offer the world. 3
pteromom Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 I also want to add that I get a very strong "feeling" from your post that you are someone who is going to make a huge positive difference in the world. I don't know what that is all about as it is quite unusual, but I feel compelled to mention it. 3
todreaminblue Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 I was trying to edit my previous post, but I could not edit due to loveshack'ss rules. So, here it is: Another instance occurred to me when I was trying to call a taxi during an ordinary Saturday right next to a McDonalds. I spoke with a man who told me how his life disintegrated due to opiates. I, too, dabbled in opiates during my high school life to numb the pain I felt. I knew how opiates could take you over if you weren't careful. Due to his drug addiction, his wife left him. He decided to move to St. Louis to make a better life for himself. I'm not religious, but I do believe in some higher power that is incomprehensible to human understanding. In that moment, I learned the true meaning of redemption, from a man who took responsibility for his mistakes, and decided to risk it all to make a better life for himself. I gave him some money, told him he was a good man, and then he left to the bus stop. On a Saturday at some random McDonalds, I had one of the most spiritual experiences of my entire life. I'll never meet him again, but I'll never forget what transpired between us. I don't like to think that these events occurred to me for a reason, as I do not like to believe that suffering is inherit for true growth, but it does seem that way. I am grateful through that I recovered from the experience as it has allowed me to develop understanding and compassion for others. So, in that way, I am grateful. I would not be who I am today without that my past experiences. i feel this too i would nof be me or multiples of me if things havent happened, maybe i would have the haunting dream of a husband i could make happy with happy kids all the time, no pain, and ice creams on a saturday morning near the beach with a lovers arms around me......but i havent got that wisp fo a dream as reality...i have the loving children and they are far from laughing all the time.....smilin.i love them..many tears.....loads of laughs and no husband....but i do reach out and help others i have many many stories like yours you are a whipper snapper empath ....i have been an empath since i was a child adn even when i was being bullied i would always help another first or part of em would while the other part dealt with pain...dont give up even when life gets you down.....not only will you be able to have a life worth living you will touch others lives through that higher power which i know to be god, jesus and the holy spirit...i respect that you sense that higher power......as you believe it to be there...... maybe one day things will make sense to you..it will be as bright as you become ...like crystal..never give up....hurt doesnt cause growth it stunts growth.....but when something becomes smaller and broken in life, becomes brighter and larger than one life in gods eyes.......you are being polished to be the best you can be today , tomorrow ...and always....that is a minute particle of the keystone of and in my faith, my church and all who follow and try their hardest to be the best they can be.....we all fall short, we are meant to , so we can be polished more, brighter more, true happiness will superabound with grace in the end...it is not a personal belief, i thought it was , till i found a church full of true leaders in the fragility and light of humanity as a god given gift...i was always part fo the faith , just didtn know it......because it fits em completely.. so not a belief that is mine held alone by me.....their are quite a few .... ...i share it with you.....your friend and fellow survivor........deb 1
Author Bishop556 Posted May 28, 2014 Author Posted May 28, 2014 (edited) Are you sure you are going into the right field for you? You seem very smart and caring. Perhaps you would make an excellent counselor or psychologist. Sometimes things DO happen for a reason. I am sorry for all the pain you have been through, and angry at those who caused you to doubt your worth. Do not continue to beat yourself up for past mistakes. The important thing is what you learned from them, in order to become better. But you are not your mistakes. You are pure potential, and you can be the person you want to be. Keep moving forward. That black hole may be beckoning, but you can give it the finger and move toward the light. Do NOT give up. You have much to offer the world. Thank you for the kind words. I was considering changing my major to psychology, but I have a deep love for astronomy, so I don't know yet. I still have the rest of the summer to think about it. I've learned to not give up, that is why I did not kill myself. I have had recent thoughts about suicide and there have been moments where I have been on the edge of killing myself in the past, but I've found the strength within myself to survive and be happy again, and while I am not happy now, I do believe I will be in the future again. And more importantly, it will be because of my own self instead of relying on another. I just know my own happiness is my responsibility to achieve. Edited May 29, 2014 by Bishop556 3
nightbird101 Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 I know how you feel. It hurts. I hurts a lot. I know it hurts. I felt like ending it as well. I still do from time to time. But thing of your family, your friends. The pain you feel now will land on them. What I did was make a suicide video on my phone (this was when I was serious about it). The video was a message to all my family and how I felt. HOWEVER, I felt so much better after recording it because I said what I was feeling. I suggest you do the same...but don't take it any further than that. Keep coming here, read other posts. Respond to them. This forum has worked wonders for me and I hope it'll help with you as well. Be strong 1
pteromom Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 Thank you for the kind words. I was considering changing my major to psychology, but I have a deep love for astronomy, so I don't know yet. I still have the rest of the summer to think about it. Astronomy makes a great hobby. Just saying. I thought about you a lot on the way home yesterday, and the odd feeling I got reading your post. Almost like "The force is strong with this one." It is NOT something that is common for me to get a feeling like that. So just put a lot of thought into what you want to accomplish in your life and go for it. You have an amazing future ahead of you. Are you on medication at all? Have you been thoroughly tested to make sure your depression isn't related to chemicals, hormones, or vitamin deficiencies? 2
Author Bishop556 Posted May 29, 2014 Author Posted May 29, 2014 (edited) Astronomy makes a great hobby. Just saying. I thought about you a lot on the way home yesterday, and the odd feeling I got reading your post. Almost like "The force is strong with this one." It is NOT something that is common for me to get a feeling like that. So just put a lot of thought into what you want to accomplish in your life and go for it. You have an amazing future ahead of you. Are you on medication at all? Have you been thoroughly tested to make sure your depression isn't related to chemicals, hormones, or vitamin deficiencies? I don't want to take medication as it is unnatural, but I have been exercising frequently, eating healthier, and sleeping longer and better which has made a very positive impact on my happiness. Honestly, after two weeks, I felt like a completely different person after making these small changes to my life. Also, thank you for that comment that you believe I will do great things with my life. I want to live a life of meaning and value instead of day to day dull nonsense that society has forced people to live in, it terrifies me if I do fall into that rut. I do not know what I want to do with my life, but I do want to live a meaningful life. So, thank you. Edited May 29, 2014 by Bishop556 2
pteromom Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 The thing about ruts is that we have wheels. There is nothing to be terrified of. We have the ability to change direction and go a different way at any time. Any decision you make is not a permanent one. 2
Author Bishop556 Posted May 29, 2014 Author Posted May 29, 2014 The thing about ruts is that we have wheels. There is nothing to be terrified of. We have the ability to change direction and go a different way at any time. Any decision you make is not a permanent one. Yeah, I agree. Looking at my mom, she found her passion as an artist when she was in her 40's. Her name is Selene Vasquez if you were wondering. Do know that her art can be strange and slightly terrifying . So it is possible and it happens frequently. I've always been attracted to subjects or hobbies that have generated emotion for me. For example, one of my passions is to play music. While I do not have as much time now as I did before, I would usually practice at least five hours a day on my guitar. I just need emotional resonance from things and life in general. In fact, one beneficial thing about my ex leaving me is that I was able to focus on my love for music. I was codependent to my ex, and I would barely ever have the time to practice like I did. Now, I can devote myself to playing music and follow something that I am truly passionate about. 2
todreaminblue Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 how blessed you are to be able to create music.....i cant read music so therefore cant create os i lend my ears to appreciation and that resonance occurs.........that is exactly what i get....an emotional resonance..... a feeling that turns into images and or thoughts.....i often get this resonance from feeling others in that resonance though comes some not so good vibes.......and it is draining to me....music however neer drains me....it puts me to sleep...makes me dreamy...music is such a gift........i have always had music in my life.....i think it is the most awesome outlet ever....... i know you will make a difference .....because i had to respond to you......it wasnt a strong feeling of sadness that resonated from your words you posted...i actually felt something else....that something else was hope....that si why my first post was a bit exciteable and jumpy was trying to bring hope out and i was tangenting all over the place..............and that is what i know you will be able to share ....in music.....or with the people you meet....hope grows and spreads so so quickly.........best wishes from me to you...hope kills hate and hope can king hit despair..knock down out for the count....yay.....smilin.deb 1
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