Fears and insecurities......

[stateofgrace]

Alright. I'm not sure what's going on with my head. I'm driving myself completely insane. I apologize for the length, I'm trying to sort out my stupid thoughts and perhaps get some insight from you guys. Maybe just writing this out will be cathartic, guess we'll see..

 

I'm in a relationship with my boyfriend, going on 5 months. New, I know. It's going well. We instantly hit it off, we haven't fought or even argued yet, I'm a fairly passive person in that I try not to get worked up over little things, he keeps joking about how he hasn't seen me angry yet, hah. I love being with him, I'm genuinely happy with I'm with him. We have a lot of fun, both when we're alone or out with friends. He is very sweet, he does things for me, I always show my gratitude. The sex is amazing, best sex I've ever had. I've met his family and his friends - all of whom love me. We have our lives outside of each other, but see each other 2-3 times a week on average (3-4 if you count our beer league baseball games every Tuesday). I'm not needy, I don't need to talk to him all the time, nor do I need to see him everyday. We have a good balance of initiating contact and dates and all that stuff. No drama. So yeah, everything is great.

 

FOR SOME REASON, NO idea what the reason is, I have days where I just can't help but think it's going to end somehow.. almost like the "too good to be true" kinda thing or something. In the beginning, I had a bit of a wall up because I was afraid of getting hurt. It got harder and harder not to fully invest myself, to the point where now, I feel like I'm falling in love with him and I can't NOT invest myself (might be worth mentioning that I had my heart broken for the first time about 9 months ago by my ex of 3 years.. maybe that has something to do with it..). I think maybe, I'm realizing my feelings and it's scaring the heck out of me, perhaps making me feel a little insecure (which I'm not used to).. I find myself worrying he's just going to get bored of me (which is weird, because I actually find myself to be quite an interesting person..) or just little things like that. I find that if one awkward or silly thing happens, I worry about it. I wish someone would just smack me and it would make my mind stop making up problems that don't exist. I have my own life, that's not the problem. I see my friends, go to the gym regularly, enjoy my alone time, I just can't figure out why this is happening.

 

I don't want to screw things up with him, I'm crazy about him, and he says (and shows) that he feels the same.. but how the heck do I let go of these fears and just enjoy my relationship? Most days are great, but then on days like this, I can't control my head and I make myself crazy. Of course, he has no idea about this. I keep trying to tell myself.. what's the worst case scenario? You break up and you move on. Well, that helps for about 10 seconds, then I'm worrying about something else. Wtf? Any insights...?

Edited May 27, 2014 by stateofgrace

[giblesp]

I think that Bill Cosby quote answers your own question

 

Take some time out for you, do what it is that feels good without any interdependance on another person. The gym, yoga, creativity... whatever it is that you feel passionate about.

 

Enjoy yourself and enjoy your relationship!

 

Life is good

[Gaeta]

Worrying is a type of control. You have to repeat to yourself that you have no control over these 'what ifs' and to let life unfold as it's meant to.

 

What you are doing now is putting yourself through little dramas that are not happening and may never happen. Like your quote says all we have is the 'now' so stay in the moment and IF something ever happens then you'll cross that bridge when you get there.

 

There was not much time between your heartbreak and this new man. You are approaching the 6 months mark, your relationship is getting more serious and your feelings stronger. It's normal you're getting afraid of losing this love as well. I think it's normal though and only a phase, it won't last.

[stateofgrace]

I know you guys are right. Ironic how the quote I put up to help others can't even help myself....lol

 

But I do get what you both are saying. I like control, so that's a good point.

 

For you to say it's normal and just a phase...actually makes me feel a little bit better. Hopefully it passes sooner than later...I hate having that rock in my chest, you know?

[giblesp]

It sounds like you're in love, and you're afraid of getting hurt like the last time you were in love. That's normal. 9 months ago is still fairly recent.

 

If he's a good man and you feel strongly about him, just go for it and enjoy your time together.