snappytomcat Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 forgot to metion,this is your husbands mess have him explain to your daughter,and friends
Mr. Lucky Posted May 29, 2014 Posted May 29, 2014 But several years ago I did caught my H talking online to someone and asked him about it and he said it was nothing. I just don't know who/what to believe anymore. To put a positive spin on things, I certainly give you kudos for loyalty and commitment. Where many would have cut and run (and most would say rightly so), you've stayed and fought. That level of belief rare these days. I understand why you really want your husband to change but am unclear as to why you think he's capable of doing so? Can't base it on his words as they've been lies to this point. And based on his actions, I'd guess you'd agree to an open marriage (not likely, heh?) before he'd act like he was in a closed one. What makes you think he can do it ??? Mr. Lucky 1
Bootsie Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 I'm sorry for the immense pain you are in. I do believe in 2nd chances, and sometimes in 3rd or more, but have a lot more scepticism about these. You really need to be communicating with your WH about what it is this time that will make all the difference. I would suggest if you attempt what clearly didn't work last time, then it's unlikely to work this time either. The previous time you made him promise to have nothing at all to do with his child(ren) and it ought to be obvious to you that it just didn't work. Why do you think it will work this time? Is it because your WH is habitually the sort who abandons relationships with his children? If so, I don't understand why you want that sort of a man in your life and the life of your own child. From what you've said he clearly has difficulty abandoning his children. My advice is that even though you don't like it you are just going to have to come to some way of acceptance that this man has had children with another woman and that it is normal and natural for a father to want to be there for his children, irrespective of how they came into being. I suggest this is something you discuss with your counsellors because in my opinion it won't work if you insist that he has nothing to do with his children. Love, especially parental love, is very strong and people will find all sorts of ways to achieve it and most would probably understand a person deceiving their spouse in order to maintain a relationship with children. If you really want to reconcile your marriage you are going to have to find a way to accept his love for his children. I speak from experience as I said in my earlier post, although my situation is different to yours.
Matilda75 Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 I'm so sorry you just found out the last four years of your marriage were essentially a lie, and that the man you love could betray you so deeply. You are not alone. I can relate. When I discovered my husband's affair 5 years ago he promised me it was over. Unfortunately, he never stopped contact with the OW. The truth has a way of coming to light. I felt my world was ending with each painful revelation. I loved him so and I'm embarrassed to admit I gave him chance after chance to chose me. Ok, enough about my codependence. The good news is that early on I decided I needed a makeover. I sought counseling, classes, workshops, support groups, read books, started exercising, lost weight, got a new wardrobe, and so forth. It was a lot of work and change happened slowly, but it was worth it. I now like being me so much better. I'm more content with my life, even though I didn't "win." My husband and I are now successful coparents of two teenage boys. We are determined to make it work for the sake of the boys. Its clearly not the way I was hoping it would end, but as I learned in my gratitude workshop, I still have much to be grateful for. The only difference between you and me is that I'm farther down the road. You'll get there, and be glad you did. 1
FoolishOW Posted May 31, 2014 Posted May 31, 2014 I'm so sorry you just found out the last four years of your marriage were essentially a lie, and that the man you love could betray you so deeply. You are not alone. I can relate. When I discovered my husband's affair 5 years ago he promised me it was over. Unfortunately, he never stopped contact with the OW. The truth has a way of coming to light. I felt my world was ending with each painful revelation. I loved him so and I'm embarrassed to admit I gave him chance after chance to chose me. Ok, enough about my codependence. The good news is that early on I decided I needed a makeover. I sought counseling, classes, workshops, support groups, read books, started exercising, lost weight, got a new wardrobe, and so forth. It was a lot of work and change happened slowly, but it was worth it. I now like being me so much better. I'm more content with my life, even though I didn't "win." My husband and I are now successful coparents of two teenage boys. We are determined to make it work for the sake of the boys. Its clearly not the way I was hoping it would end, but as I learned in my gratitude workshop, I still have much to be grateful for. The only difference between you and me is that I'm farther down the road. You'll get there, and be glad you did. Matilda... WOW! Kudos to you! Your post is refreshing and restores my faith in the idea that we are all firstly responsible to ourselves, regardless of the situations we may find ourselves in! BIG, BIG, props to you! Well done! Hurtbeyondbelief... your story is truly sad, and I'm so sorry you have found yourself in the situation you are in. How awful to find you've been deceived so deeply, and that your 'world' is not what you believed it to be. I wouldn't wish such sadness on anyone, and I do hope time allows for strength and clarity from your perspective. That said, there are numerous questions floating around in your head regarding "how could she", "how could he", "she said this", "he said that", "who do I believe???" I would gently suggest that there are only two people who matter in this scenario right now, and only two people you can make decisions for... you, and your small daughter. YOU have the ability, and more importantly, the responsibility, to make decisions that will provide the best possible outcome for both you and her. Will you choose to raise her as a "victim" of someone else's poor choices? Will you choose to raise her to be an angry young person who blames everyone else for her lot in life? Will you choose to raise her to believe that the level of happiness and success she reaches is out of her control and dependent on what others "do to her" along the way?" Or will you make the choice to raise her to understand that sometimes people let us down and disappoint us, but we have the strength and self respect to know when to make the right choices and changes to "right our own lives, once again?" I ask these questions because every decision you make, you make for her as well. Every action you take, every choice you make, every hatred you develop, you pass along to her. Maybe viewing life from the perspective of what values and morals, and the level of self respect and confidence you are willingly passing to your daughter, every single day, will help you to refocus on how you want to proceed for yourself. Take 5 minutes to view her life in 15 years, and the young lady she will become, depending on the choices you make today. That's where your certainty lies. You will never be certain of anyone else's motivation's or agenda's, but you can count on the fact that you are setting the stage for the rest of your daughters life, today. I will assume she means the world to you, so perhaps it would be wise to proceed accordingly. I wish you calm and peace of mind to look inward, rather than outward. Hugs to you. 1
Poppy's sister Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 Oh my goodness, that is quite the awful thread I have read. Disclaimer : I am mow and my mm and I struggle daily with our love for each other and our love for our children. You seem to believe that the fact you have a wedding ring then you daughter is your husband's most important child and should be the only family he considers in all this. However if he has been seeing the ow and the other 2 children daily....this isn't a man having a sneaky affair....this is a man with a second family. He has created a life with her, a family life involving nappy changing, meals, no doubt bedtime stories etc. He has 2 FAMILIES..... There could be a whole number of reasons he now says he only wants you and your daughter.....financial implications of divorce, status , friends , family, etc. But wether he is a heartless player or a man who has genuinely got in a mess he couldn't sort out....the bottom line is he has 2 families . He wouldn't give her or the first child up before....why will he now....? He has another child now as well .... Plus she has known all along about you and she has accepted it....why do you think she suddenly won't want the relationship ? I am so sorry but this just isn't salvageable unless you accept that the 2 children from his other family are loved and wanted by him. If you want to go forward with this man then you will have to tell him that you understand he has 2 other children and you need to work out custody arrangements so he can continue to be their father. If you dig your heels in and tell him he has to chose which child/ children he is father to, then I predict he will stay with you but find a way to continue to see her and the other children .
stillafool Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 I am so so sorry for you and I can understand that this must be driving you out of your mind. I too think women who get involved with MM are disgusting. However, you must see that your H cares a great deal about this woman or why would he continue to go back to her and lie to you. I think he loves you both but loves himself more. I don't think the OW is lying to you about the events that took place. Your H will not give up his children no matter what he tells you. The only chance I see for the two of you to make it is for you to accept his 2 other kids, let them spend time at your home with your daughter and let them know they are siblings. If you try to make him abandon his children you will be disappointed because he will see them as well as the OW. Your husbands other children are innocent in all of this and deserve to have their father in their life. Your husband is a liar and more than likely a serial cheater. Sooner or later you nor the OW will not be enough to keep him straight because in the Cheaters mind you two are no fun anymore. He is probably getting grief from both you and her. He will look for another OW to inflate his ego. If you do decide that you can't give him up, won't let him see his kids, decide to track his every move you will end up more miserable and you will age faster from stress and worry. Is he worth it? 1
No Limit Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 I just don't understand how someone who loves you can do that to you. Easy to answer, they don't love you. And please don't fool yourself by thinking "I doubt he'll ever stray again". Now that he's got even more pressure coming from both you and the OW it's only a matter of time before he'll once again try to seek comfort/safety/anyone but you two with female genitals. Because you WILL have to share him. OWs rarely give way willingly, and now that she's pregnant she'll be in the scene until her kid(s) are 18 years old. It's just funny to see how he tries his best now that he's about to loose it all. Quite lucky if he gets away with it, but judging from how both you and the OW still try to cling onto him he most likely will (except from the financial aspect).
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