can our marriage be saved

[hurtbeyondbelief]

I have been reading here trying to get answers and finaly decided to post. My H and I married for 14 years when I found out he was having an affair. It had gone on for about 8 months when I found out. I wanted nothing more than to work things out. Didn't want to lose him. So I fought for him. BUt he just walked out on me and moved in with OW. I begged him to come back. I wanted to kill OW. To this day I hate her. He lived with her for 5 months and the story he told me is that he wanted me back so he left. (OW tells a different story but at the time I believed him.) He started telling me he wanted to work things out so I let him come home. Four months after he came home he confessed that OW was pregnant. I was horrified. We had no children of our own as he never wanted kids. I called OW and threatened her to get rid of it. She told me my H told her he couldn't have kids so they didn't need to use protection. He would NEVER say this. She stated that he planned to get her pregnant so he could keep her around (that she would always have a connection with him). I didn't believe her. She also told me that she got pregnant AFTER he moved back in with me. He told she got pregnant right before he came home but he didn't know about it til now. I believed him.

 

We worked things out, he promised he wasn't talking to OW that he wasn't having any contact. I always checked his phone and computer and there was no contact between them. He said he didn't want anything to do with the baby when it was born and would just pay support and that's it. We decided to have a child of our own about a year after he came home. We now have a daughter. I thought we were one of those marriages who made it. We have a beautiful daughter, he has NOTHING to do with OW or anyone else. Turns out I was wrong. Devastatingly so. I can't even think straight at this point.

Found out about a month ago that EVERYTHING H has told me has been a lie! He NEVER broke things off with OW. I have no idea how he got away with it, where he saw her etc. All I know is what she told me and I don't want to believe it. She said they never stopped seeing eachother. So for the last 3 years he has been with her while he claimed to be happy with me. She said they broke it off for a week and couldn't stand it (that he cried and begged her) and so they decided to keep seeing eachother. Said that he sees his son that he had with her EVERY day. I didn't even know he had a son he told me he had no idea what she had, what the child's name was etc and now she said she has all these videos of him and his son playing etc. H did admit that he was at the hospital when his son was born (one thing OW told me) and that he sees him often.

 

At first he denied still seeing her but then after I told him OW told me stuff he admitted it. He said he has no excuse, that he just didn't want to let her go. That he didn't mean to hurt me but he didn't want to hurt her either. I want to HURT her. I hate that bitch. doesn't she know the lowest form of life is someone who sleeps with someone who is married! And she had to know we had a child together? Why would she still keep seeing him after she knew about our daughter?

All of this is not the worst part- they have another child together. A girl. That makes me sick as I type this. if you do the math she was conceived while I was in the hospital after giving birth to our daughter. OW told me that H spent the night with her the three nights I was in the hospital. He said he only spent one night.

 

So for the last 4 years basically he's been doing nothing but lying to me and cheating on me while acting like we were working things out and better. I have NO idea how he was able to see her all this time and I didn't know. Sometimes I had a gut feeling or asked him where he'd been and he always had an answer that satisfied me. I don't know whether or not to believe OW. I think she would make up stuff to hurt me. But after all these years of H telling me stuff that I just found out isn't true how in the hell can I trust what he says? He says he doesn't want to be with her anymore, that he wants to work things out. That he just got caught up in things with her. But this wasn't a one night thing or even a year or a few months. This was him knowing he was doing something that the first time he was caught devastated me and now we have a daughter to think about. I am devastated. I don't know what to think, I don't want to lose him but I don't understand how he could EVER do this to me AGAIN.

 

OW was trying to trap him by having babies. I don't want him to go back to her. OW told me she has seen what he is capable of and that she doesn't want him because she has seen what he is capable of. Said he had no remorse when it came to what he did. I think she's just saying that so I will divorce him and she thinks they can live happily ever after. Well he didn't pick her did he or he wouldn't have come back to me the first time right? I want to give her what she deserves. She needs to be punished for what she did to my marriage.

for our daughter's sake I don't want to divorce him. But I don't want to ever go through this pain again. Will he change? Can our marriage be saved? Why did he do this again and how did I not catch him. I thought things were good, that we were back on track...

[Michelle ma Belle]

First, I'm terribly sorry to hear of your heartbreak. No one deserves this kind of disrespect.

 

Second, and I'm going to be VERY blunt with you and tell you that you are delusional if think you will EVER find a happily-ever-after with this man!

 

Why on earth do you want to work things out with him? I am appalled by his blatant and disrespectful and cruel behavior. He's not a MAN! He's a coward of the lowest ranking in my opinion.

 

So you confront the OW and apparently win him back, decide on having a child hoping it might solidify your marriage all the while you're checking his phone and walking on eggshells wondering if he's back with her again. How did that make you fee? What was it like not being able to fully trust this man? All that private investigating did nothing for your or your marriage except make you look over your shoulder everyday. In the end, he continued to live out an entirely other life separate from you and your daughter that went even beyond what you originally suspected!

 

Sweetie, wake up! Is this really the kind of man you want your daughter to grow up seeing as a role model? Thinking that this is how a man treats his wife and family?

 

Frankly, I think your d*ck of a husband and his whore are perfect for one another. You deserve SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS!!!!! Why are letting him hurt you like this? What on earth is it that you see as worth saving?

 

He will NEVER be the man you want him to be. You HAVE to believe this. He has too much history (and apparently children) with this other woman with whom he will FOREVER BE TIED TO! Add to this the fact that he has continued to LIE and DECEIVE you and your daughter.

 

Please. Please let him go. Seek out a good therapist to help you through this very agonizing experience. You will need all the support you can get but it is possible to have a happily-ever-after without such a horrible man in your life.

 

Hugs to you.

Edited May 27, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle

[Zahara]

It's apparent that if your husband felt that this woman trapped him the first time, he would have been wary to go about having a second baby with her? Don't be so naive to believe everything your husband says when he has shown you how much of a blatant liar and cheater he is.

 

You husband is a compulsive liar and a cheat. Your anger, while justified is very misplaced. You both are contending against each other for this man who never once placed you or her as a priority but placed his needs and his wants above the rest. Doesn't matter who he picked because neither you nor her have a prize on your hands. Infact I would say that the one on the losing end here is you. Don't be so quick to revel in who he's picked.

 

You husband did this to your marriage. Granted, OW was an accomplice but the one that should be "punished" is him. Instead you want him back and want to relieve him of all his wrongdoing because the easy way out is to blame OW. Where's your wrath for your husband?

 

Why did he do it again? You teach people how to treat you. When you accepted him back the first time, compromising and accommodating, you taught him that you will easily tolerate his behavior again. And so he repeated the pattern. He probably knows you will not leave him. And most likely, he will not detach fully from OW because he has two children with her and that will keep a connection going.

[Realist3]

Wow!!!! Just wow!

 

You say you don't want to lose him. What, does this man have some magical penis? He has crapped all over you time and time again, yet you don't want to lose him????? That makes no sense.

 

I want to give her what she deserves. She needs to be punished for what she did to my marriage.

 

No! She didn't do it to your marriage YOUR HUSBAND DID IT TO YOUR MARRIAGE. You didn't marry her, you married him. He is the one that needs to be punished.

 

You ask if he will change. No, he won't. He has already proven to you that he won't. His two kids by the OW aren't going anywhere, and he will continue to be with her as he so chooses because evidently she is just as enamored by his magical penis as you are.

 

You obviously don't have the intestinal fortitude to make him leave, but that is what you should do. Instead of viewing it as some sort of competition between you and the OW, choose a better life for yourself and be rid of both of them for good.

[hurtbeyondbelief]

Everyone- thank you for your replies. Not what I wanted to hear but... I guess I don't want to lose him because all our life I wanted a child with him and now we have one and our life should be close to perfect now. Having a child with him was supposed to bind us together and make us stronger. I just don't understand how NONE of this mattered to him. He saw me break down, not eat, not even be able to get out of bed. I still see stuff on tv about cheating and I have to leave the room because it brought up bad memories. He knew all this- he witnessed it. Time and time again he told me he was sorry, that OW was a mistake, that he learned his lesson. He let me see his phone whenever I asked (and I looked at it when he didn't know) and I had a keylogger on his computer. I didn't suspect anything at the time, I just wanted some reassurance. And when I didn't find anything, when the OW never called him or tried to see him I thought he got the message out to her loud and clear to leave us alone.

 

I can't believe I was so blind that he carried on this whole thing behind my back the whole time. He says he did it because he couldn't leave her stranded when she was pregnant and then their son was born and he said he couldn't leave his son and he knew I told him he was to have nothing to do with their child except pay for his mistake. How could he do this?

 

I still love him, I can't help it. I guess that's why I'm not ready to let go. I try to imagine my life without him but now we have a daughter to worry about. I thought the first time he did everything with our daughter (saw her birth, changed her diaper, held her etc was the first time he had done any of that in his life and now I find out that no, he did all these firsts with his son before our daughter was even born. Just shocking that he lived this whole life I knew nothing about. I feel so hurt like a huge slap in the face.

 

and Realist3 you must be a OW because if you was cheated on you would understand why I hate the OW. She had NO right to do this to my marriage. Women ought to stick together and not stab eachother in the back. When he decided to work things out she should have let him go and not looked back. She will get what's coming to her. I am angry with him too but can't wrap my head around all this yet. I've read stuff on here where people cheat and the reconcile and work things out. Even after they cheat multiple times. Why doesn't anyone think that my H will be one of those people? He really is sorry, I can tell. Maybe he's telling the truth and he just felt stuck with her. I don't know. I don't know who to believe.

[Zahara]

You thought that bringing a baby into you marriage would change the man. It doesn't. Your life isn't perfect because you now are with a man that has a second family.

 

It's funny how people are so surprised as to how the cheater could just go on without having any remorse for the hurt they caused. Well, if they had any type of a conscience, then you most likely would have received empathy from him but the fact that he could go along seeing you suffer and still cheat behind your back is a clear indication that a cheater and a liar is only in it for himself. If they never cared about your feelings then, why would they now?

 

You can hate the OW. Perfectly understandable. But again, your anger is misplaced. YOUR husband did this to your marriage. Vows were said between you and him and HE threw that all away. The fact that you can easily forgive him for what he is done and place responsibility on the OW is your own denial of what has happened. Easier to blame her than blame him and have to live with it.

 

Forget the sisterly bond. That's foolish thinking. It doesn't happen in real life. When you decided to work things out, HOW sure are you that he didn't go sniffing for her? Just because he said he wanted to work things out, it doesn't mean he was faithful to his word because don't forget he so easily lied to you for 4 straight years. The man even abandoned you and went to live with OW.

 

I don't know where you have read about things working out after one cheats multiple times. If it never worked out the first, second or third time, chances are it won't.

 

I'm sure he was very sorry when he wanted to work things out the first time. And he still went on to cheat.

[Realist3]

and Realist3 you must be a OW because if you was cheated on you would understand why I hate the OW. She had NO right to do this to my marriage. Women ought to stick together and not stab eachother in the back. When he decided to work things out she should have let him go and not looked back. She will get what's coming to her. I am angry with him too but can't wrap my head around all this yet. I've read stuff on here where people cheat and the reconcile and work things out. Even after they cheat multiple times. Why doesn't anyone think that my H will be one of those people? He really is sorry, I can tell. Maybe he's telling the truth and he just felt stuck with her. I don't know. I don't know who to believe.

 

No, I'm a married man in the midst of a long term affair with a married woman.

 

Regardless of what her intentions were, or how alluring she made herself be to him; it was his choice, and his choice alone to be with her. If he was so in to you, he wouldn't have had two kids with this woman behind your back. She didn't hold a gun to his head and say, "You have to f**k me." No, no no. He seduced her. After getting busted and messing up your marriage he still kept going back for more. Yet somehow, you blame her. Sure she played a role, but it was his decision to keep going back.

 

You are married to a playa... and you know it, you just want to hope some day he will change. The problem is you are facilitating it. It is like giving a drug addict $20 a day knowing they are going to get stoned, and repeating it day after day after day, all the while hoping at some point they will change. Your anger is focused on the drug dealer and not at the addict. Dare I say your marriage will never be fixed, because you aren't yet aware of what needs to be fixed.

[Mr. Lucky]

Everyone- thank you for your replies. Not what I wanted to hear but... I guess I don't want to lose him because all our life I wanted a child with him and now we have one and our life should be close to perfect now. Having a child with him was supposed to bind us together and make us stronger.

Heartbreaking story, I'm sorry for your pain.

 

But understand this - the OW has the same motivation as you. Protect her family. Provide for her kids.

 

How would you choose to stay with a man that would (initially) agree to write off his own child (now children) and ignore his existence? And as a parent, why would you want to be part of an arrangement that victimizes such an innocent participant ???

 

I can only guess at the stress you've been under and the pain you've endured. But I'd gently suggest it's warped both your values and decision making. Any process that leads you to write "I don't want to lose him" is inherently flawed.

 

Keep posting, lots of support - and experience! - here...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Michelle ma Belle]

I've read stuff on here where people cheat and the reconcile and work things out. Even after they cheat multiple times.

 

I think this says it all. I am willing to bet that those couples that appear to have reconciled is really just the scorned partner turning a blind eye to the affairs they KNOW are still happening and just chooses to live out the rest of their relationships blissfully blind.

 

If that is what you want, then fine. I wish you the best of luck.

[sweet_pea]

Hugs. How long ago did this all happen? I'm sorry if you shared that and I missed it. I think you just need to take a little time to really think about whether you want to continue with him and all of this drama. I know that you love him and situations like this are hard when someone you love hurts you so deeply. Reconciling is not a magic potion and will not be easy, nor is it a guarantee that things will go well. You and your daughter deserve to live a loved, fulfilling, happy life and you do not have to be married to have that.

[hurtbeyondbelief]

Again thank you all. The first time I found out was four years ago. this time was maybe a few months ago. He spent FOUR years pretending everything was ok. He did everything I asked (went to counseling, gave me access to all his accounts on the computer, to his cell phone) would call me when he got to work so I knew he was actually there etc. Full disclosure like they say. We went on date nights. We decided to have a child because he knew I always wanted one. And he said he knew it would always bother me that OW had a baby with him and I didn't. he promised me that he would have nothing to do with the child with OW. That was one of the things I demanded when we got back together. He PROMISED. He said he wanted nothing to do with OW and nothing to do with that child. he even told me she met someone else. We never got anything about her trying to collect child support and I questioned that and he said maybe she found out it was someone else's kid that maybe she cheated on him and it wasn't even his. Or maybe she just decided to take care of it herself because she felt bad for trapping him. Yet all along here he was playing dad to this child he fathered because he was screwing some skank.

 

I don't understand how he could agree to have a child with me, yet be sneaking around with OW and omg even have another child with her. WHY????

 

so your saying that these posts on here about couples that are reconciling and they say everything is going well and its a new beginning etc, your saying that its BS? That the cheater is still cheating in most cases and just hasn't been caught? I just can't believe he would do this to me, to our daughter and whoever said he has family with the OW. NO!! she is not his family. I am and my daughter is. Not those kids and not her they are nothing.

 

I know I am angry at her and should be more mad at him. But I love him and I can't help it. I don't want to be alone with our daughter. If he wants to keep me in his life he has to get rid of OW and those kids. No more contact at all. He can pay whatever the law says he has to. But I will never allow those children in my home. I don't understand how he could convince me that he was being faithful and that he was happy with me while all the time lying and cheating on me?

[Michelle ma Belle]

Sweetie, you are NOT making a compelling argument for why anyone would advise you to stay with this man!

 

Go back and re-read your posts for heaven's sake. This has tragedy written all over it.

 

Fine, you're angry with HER and with HIM and you should be BUT YOU must also take some responsibility for the part YOU'RE playing to perpetuate this ordeal. It's clear as crystal.

 

You really should seriously think about getting some therapy. It will be for your own good and the good of your daughter.

[Hope Shimmers]

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

 

I don't understand how he could agree to have a child with me, yet be sneaking around with OW and omg even have another child with her. WHY????

 

Because he is a man who only cares about himself and no one else. That isn't going to change.

 

NO!! she is not his family. I am and my daughter is. Not those kids and not her they are nothing.

 

Those kids are his son and daughter and always will be. He has an obligation to them just as he does to your daughter. Exactly the same obligation as a father.

 

If he wants to keep me in his life he has to get rid of OW and those kids. No more contact at all.

 

Do you really want a man in your life who would ignore his children and not be a father to them? There isn't anything you can do to change the fact that he is a father to them.

[Zahara]

We never got anything about her trying to collect child support and I questioned that and he said maybe she found out it was someone else's kid that maybe she cheated on him and it wasn't even his. Or maybe she just decided to take care of it herself because she felt bad for trapping him.

 

Do you see how he does the blame shifting on her? Someone else's kid that maybe SHE cheated? She decided to abort because SHE felt bad for trapping him. All the time lying through his teeth. The man will say anything and everything to keep the attention off him and make him look like the good guy.

 

I don't understand how he could agree to have a child with me, yet be sneaking around with OW and omg even have another child with her. WHY????

 

Why? Because he wanted to. If he felt that he trapped her, then how unfortunate that he was dumb enough to get trapped twice. That in itself tells you he wanted to have babies with her.

 

I just can't believe he would do this to me, to our daughter and whoever said he has family with the OW. NO!! she is not his family. I am and my daughter is. Not those kids and not her they are nothing?

 

I understand you are angry but his kids are his family. There is no way to deny yourself out of that fact. They will always have his blood and they will always have a connection with him. And the fact that he lied to you all that time to be with that boy, is proof enough that he wants those children in his life. It's a painful fact that you have to accept if you are choosing to stay with this man.

 

If he wants to keep me in his life he has to get rid of OW and those kids. No more contact at all. He can pay whatever the law says he has to. But I will never allow those children in my home. I don't understand how he could convince me that he was being faithful and that he was happy with me while all the time lying and cheating on me?

 

I'm not sure how that's going to work. You can stop him and he may just go about doing it behind your back again. You're punishing the wrong people (kids) for your husband's behavior. He is still their father.

 

You don't know how he could have been so sneaky?

 

Well, that sure is a very good indication of what and who you are going to be dealing with.

[snappytomcat]

iam so sorry for all the hurt,and pain you are going through.

im a bs who decided to reconcile with my husbanf after his affair,and yes our marriage is better in many ways,but it didn't come easy,he had to be transparent in everything,and he has shown true remorse.

your husband has continued to lie to you,even having children with the ow,and living a secret life with her,to me this man only cares for himself,i usually believe everyone deserves a second chance,if they prove they are worthy of it,but your H,has not,i think you should read about the 180,and start doing it,and get into ic.

I wish you and the children much luck,take care(I know its hard but just remember the ow children are innocent

[10thengineerharrison]

Full disclosure like they say. We went on date nights. We decided to have a child because he knew I always wanted one. And he said he knew it would always bother me that OW had a baby with him and I didn't.

 

This just proves that he felt entitled, knew he could gaslight you into accepting anything he dishes out, and knew he was clever enough to keep doing it.

 

he promised me that he would have nothing to do with the child with OW. That was one of the things I demanded when we got back together. He PROMISED.

 

At that point, he already had another family that didn't include you. This is NOT a "typical" affair, where it's even remotely possible that he's truly remorseful and there's anything to rebuild. He figured out a better way to LIE to you so he could keep doing what is in his very nature to do. Cheat!

 

Even now that you have a child with him, there's NOTHING to save here. Focus on your daughter. Do what you can to make her life the best you can make it, as her loving mother. Call a shark of a divorce lawyer and fight for yourself and your daughter!

 

he said maybe she found out it was someone else's kid that maybe she cheated on him and it wasn't even his. Or maybe she just decided to take care of it herself because she felt bad for trapping him. Yet all along here he was playing dad to this child he fathered because he was screwing some skank.

 

They're both skanks. You're better off without either of them.

 

I don't understand how he could agree to have a child with me, yet be sneaking around with OW and omg even have another child with her. WHY????

 

You will never get a satisfying answer to this question. A more important question now is what will you do? For YOU and your daughter. Forget about him.

 

so your saying that these posts on here about couples that are reconciling and they say everything is going well and its a new beginning etc, your saying that its BS? That the cheater is still cheating in most cases and just hasn't been caught?

 

I reconciled with my former wayward wife, but she never left to be with Rat Meat. We've been married for over 38 years now, and I would STILL leave her in a New York Minute if she were to cheat again. She knows it, too.

 

Your so-called husband knows you won't leave him no matter what he does, so he will keep doing what he wants. Do you want to live like that? Do you want your daughter to grow up believing that women are toys for men to play with whenever they have urges?

 

I just can't believe he would do this to me, to our daughter and whoever said he has family with the OW.

 

But he did. When are you going to accept that? You can't undo what he's done.

 

NO!! she is not his family. I am and my daughter is. Not those kids and not her they are nothing.

 

Why vent at the OW's kids? They didn't choose your husband to be their father. And yes, he does have this other family. And so the question remains: What do you want to do about that? It's not going to go away just because you want it to.

 

I know I am angry at her and should be more mad at him.

 

Yes, you should.

 

But I love him and I can't help it.

 

Then get help with that. Professional help. This marriage isn't worth saving.

I don't want to be alone with our daughter.

 

I recommend you find a way to want to be alone with your daughter. Think about it. She doesn't deserve this crap any more than you do. Change your focus from trying to save your broken marriage to saving yourself and your relationship with your daughter. Make sure HER life is as good as you can help her make it.

 

If he wants to keep me in his life he has to get rid of OW and those kids. No more contact at all. He can pay whatever the law says he has to. But I will never allow those children in my home. I don't understand how he could convince me that he was being faithful and that he was happy with me while all the time lying and cheating on me?

 

This won't work. At all.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison.

[Ailsa1983]

This is crazy if it's real.

 

Firstly I doubt the ultimatum you are giving him will work, i highly doubt he will abandon not just one but two kids, he hasn't abandoned them from birth so I doubt he will now. I am also curious as to what the OW thinks, she has after all got two kids from him and doesn't seem like she has demanded anything from him, maybe she doesn't want him ? Maybe she allows him to see his kids and they occasionally make out ... This just sounds bizarre and without the input from the ow it's hard to get a clear picture.

 

I am sorry you are hurting, but as others have stated your anger should be aimed more at him, yes be angry with her who wouldn't be but he is a sc*mbag and I doubt he will change.

[xtymorgan]

Okay, so I wanted to chime in here because it seems like all that you wanted was for someone to understand you and where you're coming from.

 

I understand exactly where you are coming from!! Your story is a little different than mine (no children with OW in my story) BUT our stories are very similar.

 

My ex is currently having an affair with a woman he met on FB. I know EXACTLY how you feel about wanting to punish the OW. I've even posted a thread here about whether or not I should inform OW that my H is still coming around and that we're still being intimate. I want her to feel the same pain she has caused me because you know he's told her that he never sleeps with me anymore. I know, the other posters will disagree with me and say that it's HIM you should be mad at not her. Well, if you're like me you ARE mad at him but you're almost more mad at her. She knew that my husband was married and still knows he's still married (no divorce papers yet - just physically separated) yet she continues to carry on with him. So trust me, I know where you're coming from with the OW. I'd like to see mine suffer the worst kind of pain (emotionally, not physically. I'm not a murderer)

 

I also know where you're coming from with your continued love for him and desire to still be with him. No one (even on a great site like this) seems to understand that desire. We had 12 years together and he raised my girls since they were babies. It's hard to just walk away from all of that history and the future plans we had. I love him so much. He's the love of my life no matter what he did to hurt me.

 

My H has also waffled between me and the OW, so I get that, too. I just keep hoping he will come to his senses and pick me. Now. Here's the hard part. He probably won't. But it sounds like your H has come home to roost.

 

Everyone is going to tell you to kick him to the curb, but not me. I say if you love him, fight for him. BUT I will say that he needs to really work to regain your trust. He needs to show you his computer and phone as often as you want to see it. You guys need MC and fast.

 

The problem with your story is that he has kids with her so unfortunately, she will never be out of your life. If he's any kind of man, he will support those kids, not just financially but emotionally and physically, too. Just keep one eye on him/them at all times. Never let them be alone together. If he's sincere about reconciling with you, he should agree never to meet with her alone. You go with him every single time he has to drop off child support or go see his kids.

 

All that being said...if it happens even one more time, I would kick him to the curb. Because that will be a sure sign that he's in love with her and can't/won't stay away from her ever. He has to prove his love for you at this point.

 

Well, I just wanted you to know that someone out there knows exactly you feel about the OW and about your H.

Best of luck!

[Zahara]

Everyone is going to tell you to kick him to the curb, but not me. I say if you love him, fight for him. BUT I will say that he needs to really work to regain your trust. He needs to show you his computer and phone as often as you want to see it. You guys need MC and fast.

 

I believe he showed her transparency -- computer/phone etc. in promising to work it out together but in the end he was still lying and cheating during that 4 years behind her back. Hence her disbelief as to how he flew under the radar for so long while being transparent and while promising her faithfulness.

 

Fight for him? How do you fight for someone that doesn't want to make you a priority and when do you say enough of fighting after being lied to over and over again. I think "fight" is the heart's denial for fear of letting go. I've been married and I have been cheated on before. So, I understand the hurt and the difficulty to let it all go.

 

In any case, I am sorry you are putting yourself in such a situation. I hope things work out for you. History and love doesn't justify being treated in such a disrespectful way. Good luck.

Edited May 27, 2014 by Zahara

[Mr. Lucky]

I know I am angry at her and should be more mad at him. But I love him and I can't help it.

This is almost a Stockholm Syndrome, where the abused bonds with the abuser.

 

By your own reckoning, this is a man that was effing his OW on the night you lay in the hospital giving birth to his daughter. At what more basic and fundamental level could he disrespect you :confused: ???

 

Given how he treats women in general and you in particular, this is the man you want raising your daughter?

 

Mr. Lucky

[jnel921]

Your first mistake was wanting to stay with him when he had already decided to be with the OW and she had his child. The 5 months he was with her you should have cut off all ties. Then he decides he wants to go back? Why? Was your living and financial situation better? he comes back and you decide to have his child? Why... To connect you as well? With everything he has done it doesn't make sense.

 

As a parent...as you now are... Do you think you can walk away from your children? How did you expect him to do that and then have another child with you?

 

Your WH was having his cake and eating it too because you have allowed this. It seems no matter what he is doing you still want him. Why? He has disrespected you and your M from the get go.

 

Talking to the OW and comparing stories and such only makes you look like a fool. Your WH will not leave her. He never did. You need to let go and move on. Work on yourself any your anger. You note in your post that you hate her and even said you wanted to kill her which is alarming.

 

You have a daughter now. Put her first. Separate yourself from this situation. Cheaters lie and will manipulate the situation to their advantage. What's done is done. You need to move forward and realize that NO... There is no saving this M because your H never was a willing participant.

 

Good Luck to you.

[jnel921]

Okay, so I wanted to chime in here because it seems like all that you wanted was for someone to understand you and where you're coming from.

 

I understand exactly where you are coming from!! Your story is a little different than mine (no children with OW in my story) BUT our stories are very similar.

 

My ex is currently having an affair with a woman he met on FB. I know EXACTLY how you feel about wanting to punish the OW. I've even posted a thread here about whether or not I should inform OW that my H is still coming around and that we're still being intimate. I want her to feel the same pain she has caused me because you know he's told her that he never sleeps with me anymore. I know, the other posters will disagree with me and say that it's HIM you should be mad at not her. Well, if you're like me you ARE mad at him but you're almost more mad at her. She knew that my husband was married and still knows he's still married (no divorce papers yet - just physically separated) yet she continues to carry on with him. So trust me, I know where you're coming from with the OW. I'd like to see mine suffer the worst kind of pain (emotionally, not physically. I'm not a murderer)

 

I also know where you're coming from with your continued love for him and desire to still be with him. No one (even on a great site like this) seems to understand that desire. We had 12 years together and he raised my girls since they were babies. It's hard to just walk away from all of that history and the future plans we had. I love him so much. He's the love of my life no matter what he did to hurt me.

 

My H has also waffled between me and the OW, so I get that, too. I just keep hoping he will come to his senses and pick me. Now. Here's the hard part. He probably won't. But it sounds like your H has come home to roost.

 

Everyone is going to tell you to kick him to the curb, but not me. I say if you love him, fight for him. BUT I will say that he needs to really work to regain your trust. He needs to show you his computer and phone as often as you want to see it. You guys need MC and fast.

 

The problem with your story is that he has kids with her so unfortunately, she will never be out of your life. If he's any kind of man, he will support those kids, not just financially but emotionally and physically, too. Just keep one eye on him/them at all times. Never let them be alone together. If he's sincere about reconciling with you, he should agree never to meet with her alone. You go with him every single time he has to drop off child support or go see his kids.

 

All that being said...if it happens even one more time, I would kick him to the curb. Because that will be a sure sign that he's in love with her and can't/won't stay away from her ever. He has to prove his love for you at this point.

 

Well, I just wanted you to know that someone out there knows exactly you feel about the OW and about your H.

Best of luck!

 

Please don't encourage her to be a doormat. They have a daughter and what she witnesses will have lasting effects in her life and her perception of relationships and M.

 

Self respecting people don't screw their WH while he is screwing the OW. This is a formula for disaster and disease. Saying that you are hoping he PICKS you sounds really sad and codependent. Even if he did he would never stop his cheating ways since now he knows you allow it and put up with it.

 

What she should hope to do is find the strength she needs to walk away from this lose/lose situation.

[hurtbeyondbelief]

Thank you for your replies. I appriceate your honesty. I wish your answers were different. I guess I was looking for hope. I mean , if he really doesn't want to be her anymore and he means it, you still don't think it will work out? He said he's tired of living two lifes and only wants to be with me. I don't know how I will ever learn to trust him again because he did all the right things and I thought he was faithful. So now even if he does all those things H is supposed to do how will I know if he's really doing what he says. I get what everyone is saying but I still think there is hope. If you REALLY love someone you can change for them. right? I know I have to be strong for our daughter but I can't imagine raising her alone. Can't imagine not having someone to come home to me. Do you think he just enjoys cheating or is it something about this OW? If she learns her place and stays away from him and my family do you think he will do the same thing someone else? He didn't have a child with OW when he came back to me. OW says she got pregnant AFTER he moved back home, that he told her he couldn't have kids and told her not to use protection. I think she was on the pill and stopped (from what she said) but she says he TOLD her to do this which I don't believe. I think she knew he wanted to be with me so she tricked him and got pregnant trying to keep him around.

I don't care if OW kids are innocent. They will be taken care of financially but he doesn't have to be in their lives. Lots of kids grow up without both parents. She can marry someone else and that sucker can adopt them or something. I can't get over hating her. Married men are off limits. She needs to be punished for going after my H. if she would of left him alone he wouldn't have snuck around. I know I'm in denial prolly. I'm just defeated today. Tired of crying, tired of feeling sick all day every day since I found out. I look at him and I can't believe he did this to me. AGAIN.

Edited May 28, 2014 by hurtbeyondbelief

[Ailsa1983]

Thank you for your replies. I appriceate your honesty. I wish your answers were different. I guess I was looking for hope. I mean , if he really doesn't want to be her anymore and he means it, you still don't think it will work out? He said he's tired of living two lifes and only wants to be with me. I don't know how I will ever learn to trust him again because he did all the right things and I thought he was faithful. So now even if he does all those things H is supposed to do how will I know if he's really doing what he says. I get what everyone is saying but I still think there is hope. If you REALLY love someone you can change for them. right? I know I have to be strong for our daughter but I can't imagine raising her alone. Can't imagine not having someone to come home to me. Do you think he just enjoys cheating or is it something about this OW? If she learns her place and stays away from him and my family do you think he will do the same thing someone else? He didn't have a child with OW when he came back to me. OW says she got pregnant AFTER he moved back home, that he told her he couldn't have kids and told her not to use protection. I think she was on the pill and stopped (from what she said) but she says he TOLD her to do this which I don't believe. I think she knew he wanted to be with me so she tricked him and got pregnant trying to keep him around.

I don't care if OW kids are innocent. They will be taken care of financially but he doesn't have to be in their lives. Lots of kids grow up without both parents. She can marry someone else and that sucker can adopt them or something. I can't get over hating her. Married men are off limits. She needs to be punished for going after my H. if she would of left him alone he wouldn't have snuck around. I know I'm in denial prolly. I'm just defeated today. Tired of crying, tired of feeling sick all day every day since I found out. I look at him and I can't believe he did this to me. AGAIN.

 

 

I know you are hurting but this hatred for the OW and her kids is extremely unhealthy, please seek some counselling asap.

 

You are asking for the ow kids to grow up without a father when you yourself said you couldn't live without him being involved with you and your daughter ... Do you see how that sounds ? Yes she was wrong but so was he he told her he couldn't conceive children so why does it matter if she was on the pill or not ? He ultimately deceived you both on that one.

 

I mean this gently but I don't think he will ever stop playing you both against each other, he won't abandon his kids, he hasn't for 4 years and he has two of them with her. You can try but ultimately I think this will destroy you and your daughter because at the moment your emotions are so high I dread to think what you would do if you seen her and her kids face to face.

 

Keep venting on here there are many users who's advice is great and they will help you as much as they can, stay strong stay focused because I'm afraid it sounds like your on the verge, again this is not your fault but HIS fault.

[Mr. Lucky]

If she learns her place and stays away from him and my family

Let me ask you this - if your H chose her over you, would you let him simply walk away without any parental obligation or participation? No contact with your daughter? No involvement in her life?

 

If your answer is "no", then how do you think it will work with his two(!) children by her?

He didn't have a child with OW when he came back to me. OW says she got pregnant AFTER he moved back home, that he told her he couldn't have kids and told her not to use protection. I think she was on the pill and stopped (from what she said) but she says he TOLD her to do this which I don't believe. I think she knew he wanted to be with me so she tricked him and got pregnant trying to keep him around.

At this point, he doesn't even need to make excuses for his actions. He's got you doing it for him ...

 

Mr. Lucky