can our marriage be saved

[Michelle ma Belle]

Let me ask you this - if your H chose her over you, would you let him simply walk away without any parental obligation or participation? No contact with your daughter? No involvement in her life?

 

If your answer is "no", then how do you think it will work with his two(!) children by her?

 

At this point, he doesn't even need to make excuses for his actions. He's got you doing it for him ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Excellent points.

[hurtbeyondbelief]

I know you are hurting but this hatred for the OW and her kids is extremely unhealthy, please seek some counselling asap.

 

You are asking for the ow kids to grow up without a father when you yourself said you couldn't live without him being involved with you and your daughter ... Do you see how that sounds ? Yes she was wrong but so was he he told her he couldn't conceive children so why does it matter if she was on the pill or not ? He ultimately deceived you both on that one.

 

I mean this gently but I don't think he will ever stop playing you both against each other, he won't abandon his kids, he hasn't for 4 years and he has two of them with her. You can try but ultimately I think this will destroy you and your daughter because at the moment your emotions are so high I dread to think what you would do if you seen her and her kids face to face.

 

Keep venting on here there are many users who's advice is great and they will help you as much as they can, stay strong stay focused because I'm afraid it sounds like your on the verge, again this is not your fault but HIS fault.

 

I finally figured out how to quote- thank you I know you mean well. I don't think he's playing us against eachother. He doesn't want OW anymore. He shown that. He could have left me at any time to be with just her. But instead he wanted to have a baby with me. WHY would he want to do that after YEARS of not wanting children? Why would he make me think everything was better and he was being straight with me and never going to hurt me again? Why didn't he just leave and be with OW if he wanted her so bad?

All I can think is maybe now that he's got caught that he realizes his mistakes and now he doesn't want to be with her. I'm sorry that I sound so angry at OW. I am. Not homicidal angry, just hate her. And hate her kids. I will never accept them as my H's. No, its not their fault but it is OWs. She laid down with a married man so she pays the consequences.

[Ailsa1983]

I finally figured out how to quote- thank you I know you mean well. I don't think he's playing us against eachother. He doesn't want OW anymore. He shown that. He could have left me at any time to be with just her. But instead he wanted to have a baby with me. WHY would he want to do that after YEARS of not wanting children? Why would he make me think everything was better and he was being straight with me and never going to hurt me again? Why didn't he just leave and be with OW if he wanted her so bad?

All I can think is maybe now that he's got caught that he realizes his mistakes and now he doesn't want to be with her. I'm sorry that I sound so angry at OW. I am. Not homicidal angry, just hate her. And hate her kids. I will never accept them as my H's. No, its not their fault but it is OWs. She laid down with a married man so she pays the consequences.

 

 

She isn't paying the consequences though unfortunately you are and yes it's not your fault.

 

As to your husband it sounds like he wanted the both of you so he's decided to impregnate you both so you two will always be part of his life wether yourself or the ow likes it.

 

I understand your hatred for her I really do and I hope in time when you have calmed down you will realise that you don't hate her kids they never asked to be in this situation if anything your husband done this, he LIED to her about not being able to "make babies" so infact she didn't trap him did she ? She couldn't possibly trap him into having babies if she was repeatedly told he can't have them.

 

Again I'm sorry for your hurt but I think you need some time out and some professional help to see what I and every other poster on here sees

[10thengineerharrison]

Situations like this where the marriage thrives are EXTREMELY RARE. I know only of one, where the BW and the FWH adopted the OW's kids and have sole custody of them. It "helped" that the OW was an addict and wouldn't take proper care of them when she had them with her.

 

Your situation sounds nothing like that. The OW has the right to expect child support for her kids until they turn 18. That can be a serious financial drain on you and your daughter. Remember, the courts will care about the kids' welfare. They don't care about infidelity (in most sates).

 

You should base your hopes for the future on your own values and experience up to this point. Don't expect your husband to "change". He can't. He might be able to recommit, but I seriously doubt that. And even if he did, he's got 3 kids he's responsible for.

 

Get yourself a lawyer.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

[hurtbeyondbelief]

Let me ask you this - if your H chose her over you, would you let him simply walk away without any parental obligation or participation? No contact with your daughter? No involvement in her life?

 

If your answer is "no", then how do you think it will work with his two(!) children by her?

 

At this point, he doesn't even need to make excuses for his actions. He's got you doing it for him ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I get what you are saying but the difference is he's MY H. We are married. We PLANNED to have our child on purpose. I didn't trick him. He wanted our daughter. He just feels sorry for OW and those kids. OW kids have NO rights to be in his life. and even if I do kick him out I still want him in our daughter's life. She's been with him every day since birth. Its not fair to her that she has a part time dad. That's what makes me so angry!!! he decided to have a child with me (the child I wanted throughout our entire marriage) while he was still lying to me every single day, still fking OW, and while he had this son he claimed he knew nothing about that he was taking care of and playing with every damn day. I don't know how he even had time to do all this- part of me thinks OW is just lying about everything to try to get me to leave him. I don't know anymore.. Just how can someone live two lifes like that? And how did I miss it. I'm not a stupid person. I kept tabs on him, he was open with me. Once our daughter was born I felt I could let my guard down but OW claims he was seeing her all along even before our daughter was born.

 

If he's done with OW now. really done why does everyone think there is no chance at one day working this out and saving our marriage? Can't someone make a mistake and be sorry?

[hurtbeyondbelief]

ok. I get it. nobody but one person here thinks theres a chance of my H being faithful and saving our marriage. makes me sad. what is he's learnt his lesson? Having 2 kids to pay child support on isn't going to be easy. I highly doubt he would ever stray again. and that part about him saying he can't have kids to her. That's OW saying that. He says he never told her that. He says she stopped taking her pills and trapped him. I don't know what happened the 2nd time. She said he wanted to have another baby because she told him she wanted to find someone else so she could get married someday and have a sibling for her son. And so she claims he said ok lets have another baby. For one I don't believe a word of it. He wouldn't say ok lets have a baby while I was pregnant. He's crazy to think he could support three kids. I don't understand any of it. I don't know what to do. Yes, I am in counseling. It doesn't help, that is why I thought i'd read stuff here to see if people actually do work things out and are happy after your partner cheats on you. I'm starting to see its probably not going to happen how I want it to.

[10thengineerharrison]

I get what you are saying but the difference is he's MY H. We are married.

 

That obviously means something very different to him. aka "nothing."

 

We PLANNED to have our child on purpose. I didn't trick him. He wanted our daughter.

 

No, you didn't trick him. He tricked you. Again.

 

He just feels sorry for OW and those kids.

 

I bet he feels sorriest for himself.

 

OW kids have NO rights to be in his life.

 

Talk to a lawyer. This is not true.

 

and even if I do kick him out I still want him in our daughter's life. She's been with him every day since birth. Its not fair to her that she has a part time dad. That's what makes me so angry!!! he decided to have a child with me (the child I wanted throughout our entire marriage) while he was still lying to me every single day, still fking OW, and while he had this son he claimed he knew nothing about that he was taking care of and playing with every damn day. I don't know how he even had time to do all this- part of me thinks OW is just lying about everything to try to get me to leave him. I don't know anymore.. Just how can someone live two lifes like that? And how did I miss it. I'm not a stupid person. I kept tabs on him, he was open with me. Once our daughter was born I felt I could let my guard down but OW claims he was seeing her all along even before our daughter was born.

 

The two kids are pretty convincing evidence that she's telling you the truth. I hope you can find your inner strength and make a stand for YOU and your daughter, and stop putting up with this selfish narcissist and his wants.

 

If he's done with OW now. really done why does everyone think there is no chance at one day working this out and saving our marriage? Can't someone make a mistake and be sorry?

 

Having an affair that results in two offspring is not a mistake. It's a conscious choice.

 

Like I said, there's a chance, but it's infinitesimally small. Not something to hang your hat on, by any stretch.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison

[Realist3]

Can't someone make a mistake and be sorry?

 

This was not a mistake. A mistake is "Ooops, I got drunk and kissed someone else." A mistake is not, "I had an affair for four years, fathered two kids with another woman, snuck around seeing kids, and now I realize I want you."

 

You are getting played!!!!!!! I don't know how much clearer it can get. You keep making excuses for a man that has no excuses to offer.

[atreides]

Wow, just read the first post and want to say I am very sorry your H did this to you. To read you wanted to fight for him back and then he moved out and then all of the lies, baby traps... whew.... all i have are hugs for now.

[Zahara]

what is he's learnt his lesson?.

 

The only lesson he has learnt from all of this is that cheating is tolerated and that no matter what he does, you and OW will accept it.

 

He says she stopped taking her pills and trapped him. I don't know what happened the 2nd time.

 

One child with her didn't stop him, even when he felt she trapped him? Condom, abstinence -- maybe a wake up call that it's gone too far and it's time to stop and come clean? Instead, he put himself at risk to father another child. I think you are in serious denial. You don't know what happened the 2nd time because you don't want to accept that he willingly slept with her knowing he could and may have wanted to impregnate her again.

 

Impregnate = Control. He gained control over you and her by fathering these kids because he wanted the best of both worlds.

 

so she claims he said ok lets have another baby. For one I don't believe a word of it. He wouldn't say ok lets have a baby while I was pregnant. He's crazy to think he could support three kids. I don't understand any of it.

 

Really, OP. The man was sleeping with OW when you were in the hospital delivering your baby, this is how despicable he is and you're playing the "he would never say that", "he would never do that." Thing is, he has done everything and anything to break every form of trust and loyalty in a marriage. He's crazy to think he could support three kids -- well, he's willingly fathered three kids regardless of what you think. There is no "trapped".

Edited May 28, 2014 by Zahara

[Mr. Lucky]

He's crazy to think he could support three kids.

First thing you've said that I'm in complete agreement with ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[CarrieT]

The only lesson he has learnt from all of this is that cheating is tolerated and that no matter what he does, you and OW will accept it.

Repeated for truth.

 

Both Wife and OtherWomen have put up with this man's lies and deceit, yet both -- apparently -- wish to continue having him in their lives.

 

The real question for the OP is, WHY?

 

Why do you want to continue a sham of a marriage with a man who has repeatedly lied to you for years?

[cozycottagelg]

I think you are hoping that someone will tell you that he can be sorry and turn into the husband you want him to be.

 

I'll say it.

 

Sure, he can definitely change and turn into the husband you always dreamed he would be. (but I doubt he knows how to do that)

 

But it is completely unfair for him to abandon those other children so you can pretend to live a happy life.

 

You deserve to be treated with more respect than this.

 

And gently, because I know you are hurting, the way you feel towards those innocent children is completely unacceptable. You don't trap a man into having a child...he chose not to use protection. Would you please make him accept some responsibility for this actions? Please!

Edited May 28, 2014 by cozycottagelg

[Mr. Lucky]

And gently, because I know you are hurting, the way you feel towards those innocent children is completely unacceptable. You don't trap a man into having a child...he chose not to use protection. Would you please make him accept some responsibility for this actions? Please!

Well said. hurtbeyondbelief, if you could influence him to man up and take responsibility for ALL his children (and the responsibility to quit fathering more), might be the only good to come out of this mess...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jnel921]

ok. I get it. nobody but one person here thinks theres a chance of my H being faithful and saving our marriage. makes me sad. what is he's learnt his lesson? Having 2 kids to pay child support on isn't going to be easy. I highly doubt he would ever stray again. and that part about him saying he can't have kids to her. That's OW saying that. He says he never told her that. He says she stopped taking her pills and trapped him. I don't know what happened the 2nd time. She said he wanted to have another baby because she told him she wanted to find someone else so she could get married someday and have a sibling for her son. And so she claims he said ok lets have another baby. For one I don't believe a word of it. He wouldn't say ok lets have a baby while I was pregnant. He's crazy to think he could support three kids. I don't understand any of it. I don't know what to do. Yes, I am in counseling. It doesn't help, that is why I thought i'd read stuff here to see if people actually do work things out and are happy after your partner cheats on you. I'm starting to see its probably not going to happen how I want it to.

 

 

If you want advice, I suggest you remove yourself from the land of unicorns and rainbows you are llving in.

 

The fact is your H. Made a choice...not a mistake...a choice to live paralell lives with two women he knew would tolerate his bull crap.

 

His children are his flesh and blood as much as your daughter. He will not choose. I am sure this is why he is a constant in their life and always will be, you can't make him choose. You say how you can't see yourself without him, but it's ok for the OW to be a single parent with her kids? Your H is yours??? We are talking about human beings here. Your H has made a choice. For the love of your daughter make a smart choice for you both.

 

Your situation is hopeless but you want us to say otherwise. Understand that you are in for a lifetime of hurt and pain if you continue. If you are truly in counseling your therapist would have helped you with the tools you need to handle this situation and get yourself out of it.

 

Your H admitted to being tired of living two lives.

 

The way I see it the only way this can work for everyone involved is if you all move to Utah and you agree to be sister wives and live all under one roof.

 

As long as you tolerate this and make excuses for him this will always be a bad situation.

 

Good Luck

[Hope Shimmers]

I've been trying to figure out how you came to the conclusion that her kids have no right to be in his life, and I think it's because you are married to him (and she isn't) that you think that.

 

Very important: His financial and moral obligations as a parent have NOTHING to do with who he is married to or not married to. Those kids are just as much his family as your daughter and deserve no less than your daughter from him. It IS NOT their fault that their dad did this. You cannot make demands that he abandon them. If you want him in your life (big mistake in my opinion) then you have to accept that.

 

I am sorry you are hurting, but you really have to wake up. Your displaced anger is more than disturbing. Please get some help!

[AnotherLife]

I’m sorry to hear about what you are going through.

 

I can understand why you hate the OW, but why are you so convinced that everything the OW is saying to you is a lie? What does she really have to gain from lying to you? Does she get your H? Well, she has already had him for at least the last 4 years.

 

You are right, people are lying to you, but are you sure it is the OW and not your H?

 

He has already lied to you and told you it was over with the OW when in fact it was far from over.

 

He has lied for the last 4 years and led a double life. He has lied about having contact with his son. He has a proven track record of lying.

 

So why are you choosing to believe his version of events and not those of the OW?

 

And chances are, if your H has lied to you, he has also lied to the OW. Maybe she has been told that you had a baby to trap him in the marriage.

 

I appreciate that you want to forgive your husband and move on, but maybe having more facts is what you need first.

 

Once you have the REAL story, then you can make an informed decision...

[gettingstronger]

I really want to support you in this, but I really do not like how your husband makes you feel. Only you know if the marriage is worth saving, but please whatever you decide protect your heart a little more than you have. Go slow, be cautious and don't settle.

[Bootsie]

...

 

If he's done with OW now. really done why does everyone think there is no chance at one day working this out and saving our marriage? Can't someone make a mistake and be sorry?

 

ok. I get it. nobody but one person here thinks theres a chance of my H being faithful and saving our marriage. makes me sad. what is he's learnt his lesson? Having 2 kids to pay child support on isn't going to be easy. I highly doubt he would ever stray again. ....

 

 

I wasn't going to respond to this thread but I do feel "qualified" to reply about a couple of these issues.

 

My WH grossly disrespected me in his affair/infidelity (there was a child born during the affair). We are now several years past D-day, and have successfully reconciled. So yes I do think it's possible to get past the really bad things that have happened to you and no I don't think every reconciliation is a sham.

 

Just as with any other infidelity your WH has to be truly remorseful and to want to reconcile and want to cease being dishonest and living a double life.

 

My advice however is that you will not achieve this if you try to prevent him having ongoing contact/access to his 2 "other" children. In my opinion he will forever be torn if you make him choose between you and his children or even his child with you and the other two. If YOU really want to reconcile, then my advice is that you are going to have to accept that these children exist and that they and he have every right to have a father/child relationship.

 

What you don't have to tolerate is an ongoing relationship between him and the OW beyond what is necessary for them to co-parent their 2 children. This co-parenting relationship should be out in the open, so that you can see there is nothing else going on. If you can't manage that and/or he won't agree, then I suggest your marriage has no chance at all, as he will feel justified in continuing dishonesty with you.

 

I'm sorry for the terrible situation you are in. I feel and understand your pain and agree it's so horribly unfair that you and your daughter will effectively pay a big price for this.

Edited May 29, 2014 by Bootsie

[lollipopspot]

OW told me she has seen what he is capable of and that she doesn't want him because she has seen what he is capable of. Said he had no remorse when it came to what he did. I think she's just saying that so I will divorce him and she thinks they can live happily ever after. Well he didn't pick her did he or he wouldn't have come back to me the first time right?

 

I believe OW and I'm not sure why you don't. He clearly had no real remorse for what he did. He went back and did it again.

 

She may or may not want him. But she at least seems to clearly understand what he is capable of. You are in denial.

 

I wanted to kill OW.... I want to give her what she deserves. She needs to be punished for what she did to my marriage... When he decided to work things out she should have let him go and not looked back. She will get what's coming to her... she is not his family. I am and my daughter is. Not those kids and not her they are nothing...

 

How is she going to be punished? What are you going to do? At the rate you're going, I fully expect to read a story in the paper about some woman who shoots her husband's mistress, and some little part of me will wonder if it could be you.

 

You REALLY need to change this situation. This is toxic for you. There are a very few women who can tolerate on-going unfaithful husbands, even to this degree. You are not one of them.

 

Listen to the song "Cat's in the Cradle" carefully. It's one of the saddest and truest songs about parenting there is. Your child will model you, whether you want her to or not. You are modeling a violently rageful, victimized, denial-filled woman to your daughter. No matter how old she is, she will carry some piece of this for life. She won't listen to your words, she will listen to your emotions and actions. The sooner you deal with your life and out of control emotions - by either changing your dreams and expectations which I don't believe you can do, or divorcing him and moving on from all this because he will never be what you want him to be - the better off your daughter will be.

 

He said he wanted nothing to do with OW and nothing to do with that child.

 

I don't know why the hell you'd want a guy who would say that about his young child.

 

I highly doubt he would ever stray again.

 

Oh no. He will stray again. That's his nature. He's already done it repeatedly. This was not a mistake. There is no doubt you cannot trust him. Period.

Edited May 29, 2014 by lollipopspot

[excusememister]

OP, you have received some great advice here. I can understand your "hatred" towards the OW; I hated my WH's OW; she knew he was married. He dropped her like a hot potato once I discovered the affair. She got what she had coming to her.

 

At any rate, I am an advocate on R. I think a couple should go to the ends of the marriage to save a marriage if at all possible, but there are a lot of variables. And every marriage is not worth saving.

 

R is only an option for you if your H is completely remorseful and is willing to do all of the hard work involved in R. He's already failed with being "transparent". He found a way to continue to deceive even after you had passwords, his phone, etc..

 

You mention that you are in counseling but don't mention if he is. It is crucial that both of you get counseling; first IC and then MC. If he agrees to counseling, and actually goes, then that is a major first step.

 

R is no joke; it's a lot of hard work; it is not for the faint at heart.

 

A life with your husband will and should include a life with his other 2 children. I would have issue with a man that didn't want to be a father to his own offspring. You should encourage this instead of fighting it.

 

I'm sorry for you and this horrible sitution. I feel your pain.

Edited May 30, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[hurtbeyondbelief]

The counselor I am seeing is the same one we went to mc with. she is somewhat shocked that he deceived me for so long and she thought he was genuine when he came to counseling with me. She basically has suggested something for my depression and lets me vent. She said no one knows (except my H) if he will change.

 

My H says he wants nothing to do with OW. That she was a mistake and that he's sorry. He seems angry with her. He says he will do whatever I want him to do to show me. the problem is he has said all this before. The first time (after he left and Lived with OW) he came home and he said all this stuff. He said he left OW that he didn't want anything to do with her. He gave me access to everything. but now I have found out that none of that was true. He just used a throwaway phone to call her instead of his phone and somehow he managed to see her every day. I have no idea where he found the time. Right now I don't trust him to even leave the house but I have to go to work and I get sick wondering what he is doing. OW said he even took our daughter to play with her kids and so it didn't matter if he was with our daughter while I was working. He had no problem introducing her to OW and that makes me so mad.

 

But even though last time he said and did everything the counselor suggested and seemed remosrsefull he was still screwing that skank and sneaking around to see her. And got her pregnant TWICE. So i'm not sure what he can do different now to really prove it to me. I guess I just don't want to lose him so I want to believe he can change. I think it was mostly OW that convinced him to be with her. She didn't mind being nothing to him and if she doesn't want him anymore maybe he's learnt his lesson and wont' do this again. How does he not see my pain that almost kills me and continued to do this and brought all this pain back to me again? I am so paranoid about everything. Even reading stuff on here about some BS who OW is stalking them and finally they talked on the phone and how the OW is saying she's sorry and she's hurting and hates the H. That makes alarm bells go off in my head cuz when I confronted OW on being pregnant the first time she said she hated my H for telling her he couldn't have kids. She said she wanted nothing to do with him and here they were still seeing eachother all along. So makes me think that OW and that H in that post are still speaking and that is the story they are to use if they get caught. I don't trust anything OW says.

 

No I have never met her in person. Just on the phone. She is a person of low morals. I don't know what my H ever saw in her. I don't understand why she didn't have the decency to leave him alone when she knew I was pregnant.

 

And no I will never be able to accept her kids in my home. I don't want him to have anything to do with them. How do I explain them to my daughter? To my friends? I don't want a reminder of what he did to me. I know he's responsible financially but that's it. He agreed when we got back together the first time that he would have nothing to do with his child with OW. and I know its not what everyone thinks is right but its what I need from him to prove he loves me. OW told me something else that haunts me. Told me that x number of years ago H had another OW. And that he got her pregnant but she lost the baby and they split up. OW said she asked H why he lied to her about not being able to have kids and he once told her he wanted a way to always have an excuse to have her in his life no matter what. Now that I know the other OWs name I keep trying to look her up. I'm sure OW is lying to me. But several years ago I did caught my H talking online to someone and asked him about it and he said it was nothing. I just don't know who/what to believe anymore.

Edited May 30, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[hurtbeyondbelief]

I guess I just wanted someone to give me hope. To say yes H can change! That he will be faithful because he just made a terrible mistake. I realize that is not going to happen. I guess I just wanted someone to explain to me how my H could do such things to me. I'm in shock because he made me believe that things were better and that he was happy and that we had worked things out. That we had "won". He went to counseling, gave me passwords, let me act crazy and look thru his phone, monitor the computer etc. he acted like he just dropped the OW and forgot about her. All of his stories made sense. I was convinced that he wanted nothing to do with her. And life as I knew it just was totally the opposite. Everything I knew was a lie. I just don't understand how someone who loves you can do that to you.

 

and I just wanted to thank you all for being supportive even if you don't agree with me wanting to work things out.

[snappytomcat]

The counselor I am seeing is the same one we went to mc with. she is somewhat shocked that he deceived me for so long and she thought he was genuine when he came to counseling with me. She basically has suggested something for my depression and lets me vent. She said no one knows (except my H) if he will change.

 

My H says he wants nothing to do with OW. That she was a mistake and that he's sorry. He seems angry with her. He says he will do whatever I want him to do to show me. the problem is he has said all this before. The first time (after he left and Lived with OW) he came home and he said all this stuff. He said he left OW that he didn't want anything to do with her. He gave me access to everything. but now I have found out that none of that was true. He just used a throwaway phone to call her instead of his phone and somehow he managed to see her every day. I have no idea where he found the time. Right now I don't trust him to even leave the house but I have to go to work and I get sick wondering what he is doing. OW said he even took our daughter to play with her kids and so it didn't matter if he was with our daughter while I was working. He had no problem introducing her to OW and that makes me so mad.

 

But even though last time he said and did everything the counselor suggested and seemed remosrsefull he was still screwing that skank and sneaking around to see her. And got her pregnant TWICE. So i'm not sure what he can do different now to really prove it to me. I guess I just don't want to lose him so I want to believe he can change. I think it was mostly OW that convinced him to be with her. She didn't mind being nothing to him and if she doesn't want him anymore maybe he's learnt his lesson and wont' do this again. How does he not see my pain that almost kills me and continued to do this and brought all this pain back to me again? I am so paranoid about everything. Even reading stuff on here about some BS who OW is stalking them and finally they talked on the phone and how the OW is saying she's sorry and she's hurting and hates the H. That makes alarm bells go off in my head cuz when I confronted OW on being pregnant the first time she said she hated my H for telling her he couldn't have kids. She said she wanted nothing to do with him and here they were still seeing eachother all along. I don't trust anything OW says.

 

No I have never met her in person. Just on the phone. She is a person of low morals. I don't know what my H ever saw in her. I don't understand why she didn't have the decency to leave him alone when she knew I was pregnant.

 

And no I will never be able to accept her kids in my home. I don't want him to have anything to do with them. How do I explain them to my daughter? To my friends? I don't want a reminder of what he did to me. I know he's responsible financially but that's it. He agreed when we got back together the first time that he would have nothing to do with his child with OW. and I know its not what everyone thinks is right but its what I need from him to prove he loves me.

hurtbeyond belief

im so sorry you are hurting,as a bs I know the pain you are in

I believe that was my post you were talking about,the xow has harassed me for a year now,and yes finally I just had to have a convo with her,and I made my peace with her what comes out of it,who knows I hope she can move on,and yes I truly do believe she hates my husband,she just hated the fact he lied,and was able to just move on like she never existed,she doesn't know,i made his life hell,and he had hell to pay,he had to prove himself,become an open book,and show me hes worthy of a second chance,and he knows that I gave him the gift of a second chance,and he has shown true remorse,but your husband has continued to lie to you,and you seem to place your anger,on the innocent ones,his children with the ow.

im not saying you cant be mad as h*ll at the ow,she deserves it,but so does your husband,but not the kids,like it or not her kids are half brother/sister to your child.

now I don't know you guys but from what you said about your husband is he knows exactly what to say,but theres no action behind it.

do you actually want to live with someone that you are in fear of what hes going to do when you are at work?i bet it makes for a long stressful day at work.

if I had to live like this with my husband,i wouldn't that's not a life I would want,if I have to be in fear of what hes going to do,i will kick his azz to the curb so fast he wouldn't know what hit him,you said he even had the mc counselor convinced he was doing everything right,he must be a smooth operator.

I usually advocate for second chances,but in this situation I feel,he just in it for himself,he wants both of you,and in the big picture when it comes down to it,hes only out for himself

Edited May 30, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[10thengineerharrison]

You're going to have a very tough time of it if you believe that the road to reconciliation doesn't involve taking an extremely hard line in a situation like this one.

 

So now he's admitted that he knocked her up to keep her in his life no matter what? Why did he need to do it a second time? It also sounds like she didn't "trap" him by getting pregnant, at least not the first time. And now you've learned that he tried this before with another OW?

 

I'm worried about you. I usually tell people nowadays that the best way to recover from infidelity, whether you want to divorce or reconcile, is to immediately take a very hard line and start divorce proceedings. You need to require respect. You can't "win" him back by appeasing him or by giving him the slightest impression that you want to recover. Only when he KNOWS he's lost you will he make any effort to right any of his wrongs. For now, he knows you'll put up with anything, because you do.

 

Hell, I'd trust the OW before I'd trust your own husband.

 

-10th Engineer Harrison