juststarry6443 Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 My boyfriend has been having money problems so I offered to help as much as I can. I pay for the gas he needs for the drive to visit me, car tickets, new clothes, every dinner, every date & miscellaneous. It's gotten to be too much for me & I've become stressed now depressed. I want to be patient and supportive in this process of him getting a better job but I'm just unhappy & IDK how to not feel this way because I know this is just a phase.
Strength in Healing Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Well if you don't want to leave him and are sure it's a phase, all you can do is vent like you did.
ascendotum Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 I think this is really good of you. I don't think it is only up to a man to support a gf financially, when she is down, but when the tables are turned for women to write the guy off. I would hope he shows or tells you how much he appreciates you helping him out $ wise. I don't know if you should necessarily pay for clothes or other miscellaneous niceties for his life though. I guess it depends how long you two have been together and if he was nice to you with money when he was doing better. If it is possible to get your place or to meet up, cheaper by using public transport then I think he could do that on occasion or try to arrange low $ / something different style dates on occasion just so that its not you bankrolling it all 100% of the time. I guess it all depends on how long you thing the current situation might go on for. If it really is just a phase, and he appreciates your generosity then it should not make you depressed. I realize though a lot of women think less of the relationship when the guy guy does not earn as much as them let alone if they had to help support him.
veggirl Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Is he actively seeking better employment? How long have you been paying for everything for? If you are stressed about this, why are you going to dinners and concerts and whatnot? Can't you do free/cheaper dates than that? 1
Emilia Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 My boyfriend has been having money problems so I offered to help as much as I can. I pay for the gas he needs for the drive to visit me, car tickets, new clothes, every dinner, every date & miscellaneous. It's gotten to be too much for me & I've become stressed now depressed. I want to be patient and supportive in this process of him getting a better job but I'm just unhappy & IDK how to not feel this way because I know this is just a phase. So why does he need new clothes if he is broke? Clothes last ages if you look after them. What is he doing to get himself out of the situation? How long has it been going on? You need to decide whether you want to be his mum or whether you want a man that can stand on his own feet. I do too hope that at least the sex is good. 2
MissBee Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 (edited) My boyfriend has been having money problems so I offered to help as much as I can. I pay for the gas he needs for the drive to visit me, car tickets, new clothes, every dinner, every date & miscellaneous. It's gotten to be too much for me & I've become stressed now depressed. I want to be patient and supportive in this process of him getting a better job but I'm just unhappy & IDK how to not feel this way because I know this is just a phase. It's one thing to be supportive and another to assume a burden that isn't yours to bear. He is your bf, not your husband, so while you can definitely support him (emotionally and encourage him etc) and maybe assume more of the cost of dates, you're not required to pay for his tickets, new clothes and whatever other financial obligations he has. If I were unemployed I would feel uncomfortable with my bf having to pay for EVERYTHING. While I'd let him help out with gas to see him and maybe assume the cost of our dates, I absolutely wouldn't allow him to buy me new clothes and other items that I don't really need. I would feel like I'm taking advantage of him. Since I'm considerate and know he isn't wealthy, I would only accept help within reason. How's your bf's job search going? Does he have to pay rent or other major bills? Does he have any savings? Does he have parents who can assist him financially until he's settled? You guys should lay off going out to dinners and other things that aren't necessary if he has no money. Find free or cheap things to do, but certainly getting his finances together should be his priority not going out to eat on your dime. Does he seem oblivious to your financial woes or how does he seem to respond to you having to spend all the time? My own bf, I can't imagine him allowing me to spend all the time. He would maybe accept me paying for some dates but not paying for his life essentially. Let him know that your finances have become tight since you've had to pay for most things and to make things manageable you're going to be cutting back on going on dates like eating out etc. until he's back on his feet or save dinner dates or costly dates for a once a month treat...but from now on to help you save he and you should come up with free/cheap options. See what happens from there....does he make an effort to ease your financial burden or not...then you'll know what kind of guy you're dealing with and then you can decide if you want to be with him. Edited May 27, 2014 by MissBee
Leigh 87 Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 My boyfriend doesn't work full time atm but he stresses that this isn't where he wants to be in life and makes me confident that he has plans to better his situation. Plus he's really good with the money he DOES have...... he doesn't spend it on things like going out for dinner when he is a chef and can cook perfectly tasty meals at home. We don't go out for dinner. We cook nice meals at home and have a great time. I prefer it to going out plus it's less than half the price. He has taken me out for dinner a few times even though he is on minimum wage. He wanted to take his gf out once in a while. .. Luckily... both our sets of parents help us out financially when we are in between jobs or not in a good place in life. Our parents also know we want to stand on our own two feet though. I'm so sorry your dealing with this, it must be hard to watch your boyfriend be totally broke. I would be worrier almond stressed out if my boyfriend was that broke and his parents weren't there to help him. I would help him out if he truly needed food and gas mmoney! I wouldn't, however, buy him new clothes or u necessary things besides on his birthday and Christmas. If he was starting to get holes in his clothes and he actually LOOKED impoverished, I WOULD absolutely step in and he'll. I would also insist that he look for work full time and actively better hus situation. I don't want to date an unmotivated man who is more content staying in poverty rather than doing the hard yards to be normal in life and have a paid job.
Natsume21 Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 (edited) As a guy who is in the position the guy is in, I'll be frankly honest with you. Some girls don't care about that stuff, as long as the guy is actually TRYING...but obviously, money bothers you. I'd say if this is truly bothering you, I don't think you two are compatible. You clearly desire someone who is already financially set, and sadly, not every guy is like that. Some women don't mind it, honestly, as long as he's not a bum. But you seem to be bothered. I'd say let him go, not because he's a horrible guy, but because you obviously have a standard he can't fill. Some of us are falling on hard times(like me) and we get absolutely NO help(which is why im just going to leave home and move to the city) But it's unfair if you're making yourself miserable over it. If you must, let him down honestly. At least be a good friend in that. I know if I was in his position, and I am, I wouldn't want my gf so concerned with finances she'd drive herself nuts over my struggles. Best to let her go than to have her hate me. Of course, when I date someone, I don't need everyday dates, in fact, whenever I do have money, or she does, I always go super cheap. I'm just that kind of person. But everyone's different. Find out what your needs are. Cause believe me, some guys do fall on hard times and it's not because they are lazy. Edited May 27, 2014 by Natsume21
Natsume21 Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 For instance, the woman I'm seeing is a head of her business, so she's got lots of money. She doesn't NEED my money, but she has told me that she loves that I'm pursuing my goals and being myself regardless of my situation. It's hard out there for some people, I won't lie. But if a man being a major provider is something you absolutely require, you're going to have to reconsider this relationship. Everyone's value system is different. Personally speaking, I couldn't date someone if finances had to matter. But everyone needs to have goals and try their best to establish independence, regardless of the difficulty. My goal, currently, and the one goal that matters to me, is moving away from my small town so I can find better work than the crappy min wage stuff you can get here. I'm sure it's hard, society has placed roles of people and you're getting financially strained. But I don't think the strain is what is bothering, I think it's the roles. Society has dictated men to be the breadwinners and looks down on those who do not. I personally believe in gender equality, despite emotional differences, and that we ALL should strive to be the best we can be and to live the life we desire. Regardless, if your value is in a financially stable man, then you aren't going to do too well if that demand is now. So you have a choice...wait it out and hope for the best(which would be extremely honorable of you) or try to make yourself happy and find someone who does. S
d0nnivain Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Why is he broke? If you can help him improve his finances, that will be better than just giving him handouts. I helped my husband get a better job. It improved everything.
Natsume21 Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Why is he broke? If you can help him improve his finances, that will be better than just giving him handouts. I helped my husband get a better job. It improved everything. That is true. Ironically, I helped my ex get a better job, when she was supposed to help me get one.
EverLastluv Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 Helping out is not a problem.Once he appreciate it. What I mean is he should not expect you to buy expensive things, over spend on stupid things etc. Everyone has a budget to keep and bills to pay on their own. My situtation was different, My fiance was making the money but giving his mom most of it and the rest he used it on eating and drinking. I would have to buy the cloth, perfume (men) etc spending more out from my pocket. The both of us was not saving. The both of us money would be finished in no time. I'm now spending my own money on my self and saving due to the changes I made in my life. I hope it works out for the best, keep in mind when you with someone the should be adding to your happiness not taking. Its 2 hands comes together to make things work. I spend thousands of dollars already buying cloth, cologn, watch, suits, sneakers etc. Now I am free from all that, after one time its another. You have to put your foot down.
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