Alexjones1 Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 Looking for some insight. All is appreciated Looking for opinions. She was my fiance. Found out her family didn't approve of the marriage. She wore he ring only around me and my family. I found out and called her out on it. Not very happy of course, so I told her I felt she could come clean or drop me and my family. This is the responses I got from her. I said if she never wanted to talk again that's fine with me. "I never said ever again!! I said give me some time to breathe a bit!! I want to be able to come back to you and know exactly what I want and be able to be honest with you.. I just want some time to be able to concentrate on me and figure out what I need.. You aren't letting me do that.. I let you when you needed it!! " Me I do respect your wishes. I want you to be happy. I will give you the time to heal. I hope you find your happiness babe. I want you to know I don't want to be the fall back guy. I went through that once and I won't be it again. I am strong and can handle the truth. That's all I ask for. "You would never be the fall back guy! I just need to think a little bit.. For once in my life I want to be selfish and figure out what I want. I have missed you but I know in order to be fair to you I have to have some time to think about what I can give to you. Just give me some time.. If you can't I understand that too. Thank you! " She's pretty level headed most the time. We both have kids and in our 30s. Ok done. Lol. Thanks for any input.
Author Alexjones1 Posted May 26, 2014 Author Posted May 26, 2014 Adding I have been 2 weeks no phone contact. 11 days no email or texting contact with her.
Elle1975 Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 Adding I have been 2 weeks no phone contact. 11 days no email or texting contact with her. I feel when you love someone you don't need time to make sure and ask for space to do so. Space is for dating another guy while keeping you as the back up plan. 3
Natsume21 Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 I'll tell you what I really think but I think you already know it, so I'll say what you should do. She is asking for space. Regardless of what reason you feel like she needs this, give it to her. That means... Cut her off COMPLETELY...no texts, facebooks, calls, any social media. If you see her, say to her "If you need me, you know where to find me." and that' it. No word, nothing. Do not talk to her till she's practically begging for you back. Move forward with your life. She wanted space, well you get your own space and act like you're single. She's in her 30s. Her 30s. She is adult enough to stand up to her folks when it comes to you. The fact that she hides this from her folks is a huge red flag. I wouldn't waste time with this one if I were you. 3
Natsume21 Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 "You would never be the fall back guy! I just need to think a little bit.. For once in my life I want to be selfish and figure out what I want.". ^Listen to this. My ex said that first line to me exactly. Found out there was another guy. There was no thinking. The reason why she needed to think: She was screwing him but he refused to commit to her. She wants to be selfish, she says. Let her be selfish...WITHOUT YOU. You be selfish and live your life, however painful, as if she never existed.
flitzanu Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 "i want time and space" = "i want to bang other dudes". she's your fiancee, she obviously has had time to decide she wanted to be with you an marry you, and suddenly she wants to be away from you. that's not a great sign. as stated above, all you can do is give her space, but in my opinion of seeing this situation so many times, i'd be prepared for her to back out and tell you she's dumping you. 1
Author Alexjones1 Posted May 27, 2014 Author Posted May 27, 2014 Hey thanks for the replies guys. Ok adding to the story. Proposed in January. Found out few weeks ago she hadn't been wearing her ring. I caught her by surprise and she didn't want to fess up to it. Said she didn't want to hurt me by saying her mother would disown her. She mentioned she probably vented to her mother too much. So a week after I found that out I put some pressure on her. Mind you she was in contact with me after the night I confronted her. So a week later I told her she could make a choice. Either fess up to her family and tell them she's lied for months or cut me and my family loose. Well we talked that night and she quoted many times. "I just can't give you what you want right now". She Couldn't say it's over. So I told her it was kind of all or nothing and she went into panic mode. I don't know if that changes any opinions. I did my checking up and there isn't anyone else. I made sure before I confronted her about the ring issue. So I feel her reasoning is genuine. I am just going to continue the NC and see if I hear anything. She wants to return the ring and we have some joint bills together. So at some point there will be contact. Thanks for the opinions always are welcome
bubbaganoosh Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 OK, it's time for the $64.00 question. What is it that her family wouldn't approve. Another thing. If this woman is in her 30's and is still under the thumbs of her parents, I assume that she's living with them and if not, then if you marry her, you better be prepared to for a ton of hassle because if her parents tell her to jump, you can bet the house, she's not only going to be jumping but asking how high and it wont mean jack if it bothers you or not. One other thing. If she wants time, the give her time but not as you fiance', get your ring back and let her know that if you want to be a part time fiance, then find a part time boyfriend and move on. Personally, I think your looking at a huge favor she's doing for you.
Author Alexjones1 Posted May 27, 2014 Author Posted May 27, 2014 Ok here it is. Her father left her mother and her sister when she was 15. Long story short he took everything and never looked back. He never contacted them. Now her mother has never even dated another guy or anything since. I feel her mother will think any guy is not the right guy. What makes me wonder is if she didn't want to get married she would have gut it off 4 months ago. Now that I found out her secrets and am holding her accountable she can't make rational decisions I am guessing. I am just respecting her wishes. She wants space and time. She is expecting me to be begging calling etc. and not letting her be. I look at it like this. I want to spend my life with her. Me waiting 30 days is not going to kill me. Hell I am doing more me. **** I am in the best shape of my life in my 30s. Life is good and she has a choice to be in my life or not. If she doesn't want to be the door is open. Lol
flitzanu Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Well we talked that night and she quoted many times. "I just can't give you what you want right now". She Couldn't say it's over. that's the easy way out of saying it's over. again, just stating the telltale signs, but i do not predict this ending any other way. be prepared for the worst, and don't be caught off guard. 1
xUnknown Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 Get your ring back. The pressure is on her now. Not you. You're done. Its her time to make up her mind. She hasn't felt any urgency because you haven't done anything that would require it. You've just went along with what she asked. Time for you to take charge here. 1
Author Alexjones1 Posted May 28, 2014 Author Posted May 28, 2014 I am just being respectful right now. I'm in day 11 of nc. I am giving 3 weeks of nc and then contacting to get the ring back. Thanks for the input.
Sasukie Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 There is no respect required here. Element of surprise is important. Same situation as you, gave time and was questioned "how come you can't just give me time? I'm not using the time to detach from you!" In the end, took the time to detach. I swear go there, take the ring back, tell her if she wants to work it out with you to get back the ring, thats what she will have to do. "Respect" in these scenarios is useless. 1
Greeneyegemini Posted May 28, 2014 Posted May 28, 2014 I hate giving people "breaks" and "time" to think things through. Just because I'm a person who knows what I want. I know if I'm in love. My ex asked me to give him a break for a week. I didn't do a very good job of that because I guess in the back of my head I felt like I was going to be in misery waiting a week for him to "decide" on whether or not he wants to be with me...and I had a feeling he was just going to break it off anyway. Which he did. So it just prolonged the pain an extra week. Of course part of that breakup could have been due to my massive texting/phone calls I did that weekend instead of giving him a break, I don't know. Man, when I know someone is ignoring me intentionally ...i really do act like a crazypsychobish. 1
Author Alexjones1 Posted May 28, 2014 Author Posted May 28, 2014 So you guys are telling me to break NC and reach out to her?
Author Alexjones1 Posted May 30, 2014 Author Posted May 30, 2014 Hmm no responses to my previous post.
flitzanu Posted May 30, 2014 Posted May 30, 2014 no one is telling you to contact her. if you want to wait on her terms and see what she is going to do, then wait. if you want to try and take control of the situation, then reach out and find out if she wants to be with you. if she hesitates, then you know the answer is "no".
Author Alexjones1 Posted June 7, 2014 Author Posted June 7, 2014 Ok so an update I sent her a nice text a week ago. Just about a friend I ran into that we met at a club on one of first few dates. Of course no reply Then I called her on Thursday asking her if she still needs time that's fine or if she was just letting me down easy that's ok too. Of course no answer. We have a couple joint bills and she still has the ring. Why won't she just return the things or contact back? Is she trying to avoid the final closure talk and see me walk away for the last time? I have no idea. Thanks
Author Alexjones1 Posted June 7, 2014 Author Posted June 7, 2014 No call back in 3 days since I left a message.
Kopite Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 She is being extremely disrespectful. Sorry mate...but I wouldn't expect any ring back. Just disappear from her life completely.
Author Alexjones1 Posted June 7, 2014 Author Posted June 7, 2014 Thing is three weeks ago she said she would give it back. And then she wanted time to come back to me and be honest. No nothing? I'm so damn confused. Is she just avoiding the whole issue. Acting immature or is it regret. I don't know.
loversquarrel Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 Being completely ignored is not cool, it's extremely disrespectful and speaks volumes to how she really feels about you. It's game playing and I know if it were me being ignored to that extent, it would be a deal breaker. Looks like she takes after her father....
BC1980 Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 No call back in 3 days since I left a message. She's forcing you to dump her, so she doesn't have to do it. She wants you to be the "bad guy." 1
Elle1975 Posted June 8, 2014 Posted June 8, 2014 Thing is three weeks ago she said she would give it back. And then she wanted time to come back to me and be honest. No nothing? I'm so damn confused. Is she just avoiding the whole issue. Acting immature or is it regret. I don't know. There is no final talk. It's like the cake. That's what you want, sometimes it does happen, often it doesn't. Your questions remain unanswered. I'm not sure what's best honestly. About the ring, I'd ask for it back. About the bills, she owes you half (or whatever amount she owes you). I mean if we're talking 200 bucks, let it go. If we're talking thousands, I'd ask for that back. Send her your address and ask for a check. There is always the small claims court.
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