Thinking about leaving a married man

[Scorpio Chick]

And Monicax, you want to hear something 'funny'? About over a year ago, this man I'm talking about, this 'friend', this married man - I had changed my profile picture on FB. He 'liked' it. But he also sent me a private message that just said, 'Hey, <my name>, nice pic.'

 

Now, he could've posted that publicly. It was a slippery slope. ALL these affairs, start on a slippery slope. There's almost a certain path. It's predictable. He and I had never had ANY even slightly flirtatious interaction. When he sent that I started thinking, hmm. Nothing too wrong with that, but, why send it privately? Well, because he's married. It's a slippery slope. I hadn't told him at that point about the crush I had on him in high school, that didn't happen until 5 months ago.

 

BUT. I told my BFF about his private message. Keep in mind, he and I had never had ANY, zero, zilch flirtations. My friend knew, because I had mentioned it a few times, that I had had a crush on him in high school. And she knew he was married. When I told her about his private message, you know what she told me? She said, 'girl, run.' She didn't ask for any clarifications, explanations, anything. This is are the 'facts', if you will, that she knew:

1. I had a big crush on him in high school.

2. He is married.

3. He sent me a private message complimenting me on a physical feature of mine, (just my face).

 

That's it. And her response was exactly that: 'Girl, run.' That's right. SHE had some damn good foresight. Or, maybe her moral compass is working properly and I chose, I chose, a year later, to put my moral compass in the drawer, shut it, and just hope for the best. Well, now I sit here, heartbroken. For what?

 

After texting with him, talking romantically, sexually. I fell in love with him is what happened. It cuts like a knife to even say that. I had a head start on my feelings years ago with this guy, but once I knew he was married, I should have been extremely careful with our interactions. So now I sit here, brokenhearted, and I lost someone who probably is basically, a decent guy, as a friend. But I can never interact with him again, for my own peace of mind. And I am angry at him because of a few things he said, but that'll be in another post.

 

Anyway, run. Run, run, run. You are so lucky, I promise you, that it hasn't delved deeper. He WILL have his cake and eat it too, believe you me. But only if you let him.

Edited May 26, 2014 by Scorpio Chick
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[Hope Shimmers]

He is unhappy in his marriage. He keeps telling me he's wife wouldn't even sleep with him (that was even before he met me). I can see how happy he is when he's with me. He's writing to me all the time when we don't see each other. He writes to me to say good morning before work, he picks me up and we go for a walk before work, we see each other every day during lunch, we go out after work. Not until late though as he has to go back home.

 

He writes to me all the time. Even after we spent the time together at work, he writes to me in the evenings, we chat until late every day. then, as I said before, he writes to me first thing in the morning. he tells me he loves me an how happy he is with me.

 

Several times he told me he would like to be a father of my child. He was even thinking what our child would look like. He said he didn't want to have more kids but now he would love to have a child with me. I asked him if he wouldn't mind changing nappies again and not sleeping at night and he said he could do that.

 

Sure, it was just a talk as he is still with his wife so he won't get me pregnant but still, it felt nice at the time.

 

I do understand all that. He wrote me all the time too. Poems, love songs, literally millions of e-mails, letters. We talked on the phone ALL THE TIME - most months my cell phone minutes with him were well over 10,000 (for years on end). Millions of texts. Promises on his part. He was SO unhappy in his marriage (still is), no sex, lots of other reasons. We rented an apartment together. On and on. He still went back to her. Even though he still loves me and wants me to stick around even though he stays married.

 

He also said he wanted to have a child with me - we talked about what it would look like, what we would name it, etc. Well that did happen (she died at birth due to prematurity) but it happened after he was already back with his W so I was alone.

 

So... don't read too much into the fact that he writes to you, says the right things, etc. It's easy to write things and say things when you don't have to back them up with actions. It's actions that matter.

[GypsumSatellite]

Several times he told me he would like to be a father of my child... He said he didn't want to have more kids but now he would love to have a child with me. I asked him if he wouldn't mind changing nappies again and not sleeping at night and he said he could do that.

 

He wants a kid because he can keep you that way. He'll have the ability to drop on by to see you and the kid any time he wants to for the next 18 years and he won't be living with you taking care of those 3am nappies or helping you when your kid needs a ride home from band practice or after school tutoring.

 

Run. I've been involved with an MM on some level for almost 3 years. You will think you can stay chill with being 'just the OW' but I'm telling you now... you get put out with that fly-by-night/day MM who is never around or available when you actually need him because he's attending to his family and other life.

 

No matter what he has with you? His family will ALWAYS be in his life. Even if you wind up together, there is no escape from the ex-W and his kids from his ex-M. They will be there. They don't disappear. And woe be unto everyone if they know why he had a D in order to be with you. That will not make it any easier to be with him, at all.

[whichwayisup]

You're wise and know what has to happen. As much as you love him and want a life with him, he isn't yours to have. And you as you said, he's not leaving and divorcing his wife to start a new life with you.

 

You've only invested 7 months - Imagine how hard it'll be if you walk away in or three years.

 

MM lie. If he was sooo unhappy in his marriage he would have left years ago. He is looking for an affair and leading you on. DO NOT listen to him when he talks about kids with you, that's his way of manipulating you selfishly to keep you interested in him, he's a wolf in disguise! Telling you what you want to hear.

 

This MM will break your heart into a million pieces. Please listen to what people are telling you! Get out now before you get messed up and hurt so badly.

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I guess ask him "are you willing to leave your wife for me" and you will know. I don't mean to sound snarky, but if you aren't looking for sympathy or support and just want real honest advice there you have it.

 

He either wants to be in this half relationship with you forever or he wants to move into a real relationship. IMO given your timeline of how long you have know each other, he should know one way or the other. If he doesn't, then leave, he needs to man up and pick a directions. So there you got it.

 

No one can know what he thinking better than him and no one can tell you if you are right or not.

 

The likelihood is that NO he will not leave his wife for you. So just ask and you will know.

Edited May 27, 2014 by ConfusedMarriedOW

[whichwayisup]

Please see my reply I just posted.

 

I would like to find out if it is possible that such relationships have future and if they could work.

 

I know the title says I'm thinking about leaving him... maybe I should have ask my question differently... although when I started writing it that's hat I wanted to ask about.

 

Anyway, I do love him, I care about him a lot and I would like him to be only mine. If I knew it could work, I would like to try. But if there's no one who can tell me if could end the way I want it, I think I would need to find strength to leave him.

 

How about ending your affair, tell him when he officially divorces you'll 'date' him in the proper way but until then it's best for your own sanity and mental health that he stays away from you.

 

If he truly loves you and wants a life with you, he'll be honest with his wife and put a plan in action and leave/divorce.

 

Most A's are just A's that are going no where and once the spouse (either wife or husband) finds out about the A, the MM or MW throws their AP under the bus and runs the other way. Not all, obviously some on here have had success stories, ended up with their MM but it's very rare. The timing has to be right, the love has to be deep and real, not based on just feelings that are felt during the affair. Also, the married person is really ready to leave and probably would have left regardless if there was an affair or not.

 

Right now your MM is not one of those sincere, true and honest men who genuinely wants to start a life with you. He has no plan. He is all talk and no action.

 

Test him, tell him to talk to his wife, that he wants a divorce from her. Ask him for proof of their conversation, that it actually took place..Then watch his reaction carefully.

[jwi71]

The time we spent together is lovely. I don't feel bad all the time, only sometimes when I haven't seen him for a few days and this makes me realise that if he was single, we could spend that time together.

I told him about how bad I feel sometimes but he said that I shouldn't feel bad for being a caring and loving person. (As I am very much like this to him).

 

That is pure manipulation on his part.

 

Sometimes I feel guilty because I was brought up believing that being with a married man is wrong and somehow I ended up like this. Yet, I DO love him.

 

That's the crux of the issue is it not - the tug of war between the morals you were raised with and how your actions are in opposition to such.

 

Nothing is black or white... Should I listen to my heart or reason?

 

True - but is that the case here? My point is - are you intentionally fudging these lines because you DO love him. I have found that there are right and wrongs that are clearly black and white - we tend to color in shades of grey when it suits us. And then, with reflection, <something> doesn't sit well - and we find excuses to stay in the grey when one's upbringing says its black or white.

 

Right, my time is limited... but would I rather be married to someone only because the clock is ticking or would I rather spend less time but with a person whom I deeply love and feel happy around?(yes, I am happy when I'm with him).

 

I have learned that the one we love is the one we give ourselves to.

In essence, the grass is green because we water it.

 

The reason why I'm saying I know it should have never happened is because of moral issues, not that I regret having met him and falling in love with him. He showed me so much, he made me enjoy my life. I'm learning so much from him and I'm giving him much in return.

 

And here is the central conflict - your loving him conflicts with your morals.

As I said in my first post - maybe adjust your moral code.

 

Start by trying this: When is it ok to have an A?

 

(I can think of a few reasons - can you? And no cheating and looking through my past posts to find them either!))

 

If I did as you suggested to either alter my perception of right and wrong wouldn't mean that what I'm doing is right. At the same time, if I ended the A wouldn't mean that I don't love him any more and don't want to be with him.

 

Why not? If you alter your morality to allow for this - and not just lip service - then it would no longer bother you. It would be morally right.

And people end A's ALL THE TIME WILL STILL LOVING THEM - some have posted in your very thread. This forum is FULL of OW/OM who had the A ended while still in love -some pine for it YEARS later. Read...go back a few pages and start reading. Patterns will emerge - and I'm certain yours will fall in line as well.

 

 

I know seeing a married man is wrong yet I love one.

I know it would be better for everyone to end it now but I can't as I love him.

 

I am truly sorry you are here. Its a crappy place to be.

If I may ask - what are HIS plans with you?

[Popsicle]

I urge you to stick around and read the threads/stories here.

[Monicax]

He also said he wanted to have a child with me - we talked about what it would look like, what we would name it, etc. Well that did happen (she died at birth due to prematurity) but it happened after he was already back with his W so I was alone.

 

So... don't read too much into the fact that he writes to you, says the right things, etc. It's easy to write things and say things when you don't have to back them up with actions. It's actions that matter.

 

I'm sorry to hear about ur loss. I'm new here and don't know your story. Are you still seeing him then?

 

I know it's easy to say that he loves me etc. I also doubt he will ever leave his wife because of the kids. I think he might also be afraid that even if he leaves her for me, I will get bored of him because of the age difference and eventually leave him for a guy my age.

 

I'm not saying I would do it but I understand his fear and I would also be careful before leaving a wide with kids for a younger woman who may not stay with me when I get old.

[Monicax]

He wants a kid because he can keep you that way. He'll have the ability to drop on by to see you and the kid any time he wants to for the next 18 years and he won't be living with you taking care of those 3am nappies or helping you when your kid needs a ride home from band practice or after school tutoring.

 

I don't think he wants a kid. I think he just like thinking about it and sharing these thoughts with me but he would have to face his wife about it, as he could not hide it from her.

 

It's not that he wants a child with me to make sure I'll stay with him.

 

I can only say that I am fantasizing about having a child with him but knowing he's still with her, I would never tried to get pregnant. He wouldn't try to get me pregnant either. That I know for sure.

[goodyblue]

I'm FOW who ended up with her AP. The thing I notice in your post is that there is a lot of future faking going on. A lot of talk about a future that nobody is preparing for, so you are just floating along. That is okay, if it is what you want. But I would caution you that what these women say about the pain and difficulty of being the OW is true. We've all lived it.

 

In my situation, we made a definite, concrete plan. I don't believe in ultimatums, but I gave him MY timeline of what I expected and what I was willing to put up with. We discussed a date of departure and then he and I both immediately began working toward it, making sure our goal stayed the same. I'm telling you right now, if he hadn't stayed on the path we'd shosen, I would have walked. My guy left her much sooner than what we'd planned, and honestly, we are really happy together. I can't imagine sharing my life with anyone else. It does happen occasionally.

 

But if he is not making any plans, and is just saying that things are fine in his eyes, that's a red flag and you need to make decisions for yourself. Please take care of you, make some definite decisions on what you expect, what you can handle, and don't cross those lines. Just look inward and make sure that what you need, you're getting. When the time comes that you aren't, get out of the relationship. Don't let it hurt you for years if he isn't planning on giving you what you need in order to be happy.

 

xx

[cocorico]

Please see my reply I just posted.

 

I would like to find out if it is possible that such relationships have future and if they could work.

 

I know the title says I'm thinking about leaving him... maybe I should have ask my question differently... although when I started writing it that's hat I wanted to ask about.

 

Anyway, I do love him, I care about him a lot and I would like him to be only mine. If I knew it could work, I would like to try. But if there's no one who can tell me if could end the way I want it, I think I would need to find strength to leave him.

 

Yes, such Rs can have a future and can work. I'm living it - I M my fMM and we've been together for long enough to know it's not some kind of "bubble" or "fog". I am not the only one here - there are a few other fOW now together with their fMM, some M, some living together but not M, and some dating. So, consider that question answered.

 

However, I am going to answer the question I think you are really wanting to ask: what are the chances of it happening _for you_. There are no stats on this, no studies which can provide reliable evidence one way or another, but anecdotally, the chances of it working out are slim. And that's logical - if you think about how many people you date vs how many you end up marrying, of course most people date way more people than they end up marrying. That's what dating is - the process of winnowing out the "maybes" from the "this is it!"s. So while it may seem like he's perfect, and he's he one, chances are you won't end up together forever.

 

But more importantly, you're already expressing remorse, considering yourself a "bad" person, etc - which suggests that engaging in an A goes against your values. And this is why, I believe, even if you *did* land up together! you would not be sustainably happy. You believe As are wrong, or at least you believe that it is wrong for *you* to engage in an A. That means you are currently struggling with the reality of being someone you have little respect or sympathy for. If you and this guy got M, you would not be shedding that label to yourself. Instead, you would be taking it on as a life role. Is that what you are prepared to live with?

 

People who M their fMM either carry guilt and remorse into their Ms - and their are stories on LS of how that can ultimately destroy the M - or they don't. Those who don't include those whose values did not cast As as wrong in the first place, so they felt they had nothing to feel guilty about, and those who have managed to work through the guilt and remorse. The latter can be done constructively, through counselling, or through suppression, usually involving a process of slagging of the M or the BS in a way that casts the A as redemptive.

 

Is cognitive dissonance, long-term guilt and remorse, or value conflict a price you're willing to pay for the off-chance of landing up with your BF? From your posts here I'm guessing not, but you may consider him worth the magnitude of that sacrifice. Which would be fair enough - but if you do choose that, at least let it be an informed choice. If you want him that badly, be aware of what it will cost you.

 

Good luck with whichever choice you make.

[Monicax]

Yes, such Rs can have a future and can work. I'm living it - I M my fMM and we've been together for long enough to know it's not some kind of "bubble" or "fog". I am not the only one here - there are a few other fOW now together with their fMM, some M, some living together but not M, and some dating. So, consider that question answered.

 

However, I am going to answer the question I think you are really wanting to ask: what are the chances of it happening _for you_. There are no stats on this, no studies which can provide reliable evidence one way or another, but anecdotally, the chances of it working out are slim. And that's logical - if you think about how many people you date vs how many you end up marrying, of course most people date way more people than they end up marrying. That's what dating is - the process of winnowing out the "maybes" from the "this is it!"s. So while it may seem like he's perfect, and he's he one, chances are you won't end up together forever.

 

But more importantly, you're already expressing remorse, considering yourself a "bad" person, etc - which suggests that engaging in an A goes against your values. And this is why, I believe, even if you *did* land up together! you would not be sustainably happy. You believe As are wrong, or at least you believe that it is wrong for *you* to engage in an A. That means you are currently struggling with the reality of being someone you have little respect or sympathy for. If you and this guy got M, you would not be shedding that label to yourself. Instead, you would be taking it on as a life role. Is that what you are prepared to live with?

 

Good luck with whichever choice you make.

 

Thank you for your answer, I think you are right, I think that's the question I should have asked.

I'm happy for you that your R with a MM ended the way you wanted it. Wish you all the best.

 

I know I can't keep postponing this conversation with my guy forever. I need to think it over and understand what I really want and what I am prepared to do.

I know it's not going to be easy but I will need to do something about it as I can't be in this situation for ever.

 

You managed to express exactly how I feel about it. I love him but I struggle with the situation because I believe what I'm doing is wrong.

 

Some people told me that we've been together long enough for him to make a decision... I'm not too sure about it as I think I'm not ready just yet to make such a decision myself.

 

It is complicated and I think I need more time to be sure what I want, as I don't want to regret my decision.

[Monicax]

I guess ask him "are you willing to leave your wife for me" and you will know. I don't mean to sound snarky, but if you aren't looking for sympathy or support and just want real honest advice there you have it.

 

He either wants to be in this half relationship with you forever or he wants to move into a real relationship. IMO given your timeline of how long you have know each other, he should know one way or the other. If he doesn't, then leave, he needs to man up and pick a directions. So there you got it.

 

Yes, I think I need to talk to him soon, it's just I'm not ready for this conversation yet.

[KaliLove]

The longer you follow your heart instead of your head, the deeper you become involved in this situation and the more it's going to hurt later on.

[Speakingofwhich]

Yes, such Rs can have a future and can work. I'm living it - I M my fMM and we've been together for long enough to know it's not some kind of "bubble" or "fog". I am not the only one here - there are a few other fOW now together with their fMM, some M, some living together but not M, and some dating. So, consider that question answered.

 

However, I am going to answer the question I think you are really wanting to ask: what are the chances of it happening _for you_. There are no stats on this, no studies which can provide reliable evidence one way or another, but anecdotally, the chances of it working out are slim. And that's logical - if you think about how many people you date vs how many you end up marrying, of course most people date way more people than they end up marrying. That's what dating is - the process of winnowing out the "maybes" from the "this is it!"s. So while it may seem like he's perfect, and he's he one, chances are you won't end up together forever.

 

But more importantly, you're already expressing remorse, considering yourself a "bad" person, etc - which suggests that engaging in an A goes against your values. And this is why, I believe, even if you *did* land up together! you would not be sustainably happy. You believe As are wrong, or at least you believe that it is wrong for *you* to engage in an A. That means you are currently struggling with the reality of being someone you have little respect or sympathy for. If you and this guy got M, you would not be shedding that label to yourself. Instead, you would be taking it on as a life role. Is that what you are prepared to live with?

 

People who M their fMM either carry guilt and remorse into their Ms - and their are stories on LS of how that can ultimately destroy the M - or they don't. Those who don't include those whose values did not cast As as wrong in the first place, so they felt they had nothing to feel guilty about, and those who have managed to work through the guilt and remorse. The latter can be done constructively, through counselling, or through suppression, usually involving a process of slagging of the M or the BS in a way that casts the A as redemptive.

 

Is cognitive dissonance, long-term guilt and remorse, or value conflict a price you're willing to pay for the off-chance of landing up with your BF? From your posts here I'm guessing not, but you may consider him worth the magnitude of that sacrifice. Which would be fair enough - but if you do choose that, at least let it be an informed choice. If you want him that badly, be aware of what it will cost you.

 

Good luck with whichever choice you make.

 

This is an excellent post for those it resonates with. And if it does for anyone reading it, it seems to me it's worth some serious thought.

Edited May 28, 2014 by Speakingofwhich

[curiousGeorge2]

I am a MOM (also slightly over 50) deeply emotionally involved with a much younger MOW. When we met at work I instantly felt she was (and still is) a much younger "me". Turns out we have so much in common, and I have an incredible journey (though most of it happened in my mind) and a lot of self-discovery.

 

On the other hand, it just seems that we are star crossed. Many co-workers realized we are more than just friends, and some of them became angry and nasty even though nothing physical has happened. I feel that we are just like two small boats in a treacherous sea trying to support each other, which is not easy.

[littleplanet]

The time we spent together is lovely. I don't feel bad all the time, only sometimes when I haven't seen him for a few days and this makes me realise that if he was single, we could spend that time together.

I told him about how bad I feel sometimes but he said that I shouldn't feel bad for being a caring and loving person. (As I am very much like this to him).

 

Sometimes I feel guilty because I was brought up believing that being with a married man is wrong and somehow I ended up like this. Yet, I DO love him.

Nothing is black or white... Should I listen to my heart or reason?

 

Right, my time is limited... but would I rather be married to someone only because the clock is ticking or would I rather spend less time but with a person whom I deeply love and feel happy around?(yes, I am happy when I'm with him).

 

The reason why I'm saying I know it should have never happened is because of moral issues, not that I regret having met him and falling in love with him. He showed me so much, he made me enjoy my life. I'm learning so much from him and I'm giving him much in return.

 

If I did as you suggested to either alter my perception of right and wrong wouldn't mean that what I'm doing is right. At the same time, if I ended the A wouldn't mean that I don't love him any more and don't want to be with him.

 

That's why I suffer.

 

I know seeing a married man is wrong yet I love one.

I know it would be better for everyone to end it now but I can't as I love him.

 

No judgements.

A bit of advice with a grain of salt.

I'm the flip side of the coin (a long time ago) - as the MM.

I ended up leaving both.

Discovered that it made me feel like a villain.

Wasn't cut out for that kind of moral persuasion...

learned a very painful lesson.

(but that's just me.)

 

It's an affair, all right.

But it's a love affair.

 

Do you ever discuss all this with him?

That's the strange part. Someone who truly loves you never feels good about creating that kind of pain.

 

You fell in love with the right kind of person to fall in love with.

You fell in love with the wrong kind of person to be with (married.)

 

When your heart rules, it's a merciless tyrant.

When your head rules - well then, perhaps the outcome is different.

 

And the conscience? Where is that? Head or heart? Both? Neither?

Because it's the big C that has you considering (the advice here.)

 

You have something that you don't want to lose.

You question if what you have really belongs to you (by right, or otherwise)

Yet what you don't have - hurts.

What you may never have is a bigger hurt coming down the line.

 

Ultimately, it will probably wind up being your decision.

(If it were his, would that make it easier?)

 

It's totally understandable that you don't want to throw away what you have. It hurts too much to let go.

But how much harder will that be to do when you're in even deeper?

 

Each time you consider that this is inevitable.....it tightens that line of tension.

Of course - the best solution to this (for you) would be if he left his wife..........for you.

 

My grandfather did that. For a woman who stood by him for the next 30 years. Sometimes, it works. It depends on the man.

 

My best suggestion is that you talk to him. He's not a villain. He's the man you love. You're both mature adults.

 

You know.................

The hardest breakup I ever went though was when I was 18. (She was 17)

We loved each other madly. But it had to end. (Parental decree.)

We've each of us had pretty wonderful, useful lives.

We still talk two or three times a year.

In a way - we helped each other get through that sad time.

 

Best of luck to you.

[curiousGeorge2]

I agree that op should talk to him and discuss the pros and cons of the various options as if it were a business. Hopefully he is not as indecisive as me.

[Monicax]

I am a MOM (also slightly over 50) deeply emotionally involved with a much younger MOW. When we met at work I instantly felt she was (and still is) a much younger "me". Turns out we have so much in common, and I have an incredible journey (though most of it happened in my mind) and a lot of self-discovery.

 

On the other hand, it just seems that we are star crossed. Many co-workers realized we are more than just friends, and some of them became angry and nasty even though nothing physical has happened. I feel that we are just like two small boats in a treacherous sea trying to support each other, which is not easy.

 

Thank you for your post.

My MM also tells me we have so much in common and that he sees himself in me. I know it's true as I feel about him like this as well.

[Monicax]

 

Do you ever discuss all this with him?

That's the strange part. Someone who truly loves you never feels good about creating that kind of pain.

 

 

My best suggestion is that you talk to him. He's not a villain. He's the man you love. You're both mature adults.

 

We sort of talked about it but not directly. I never asked him to leave her, he never said it either but we did sort of talk about it.

 

He has kid... maybe if they didn't have any, it would be easier for him but as he has kids, he needs to think about them as well.

It's not only about him and her. He loves his kids and I would also feel bad if he exposed them to so much pain to be with me.

 

On the other hand, I think we haven't been together for long enough to make such an important and most likely irreversible decision. It's been just a bit over half a year... even if we both were single, I don't think I would be ready to marry someone after such a short time... and this situation is more complicated as he is not single.

 

I know I will have to talk to him about that but it's just maybe a little to early to expect him to make such an important decision.

 

Don't you think?... or am I wrong?

 

Maybe he doesn't know it yet... isn't sure if leaving his wife and kids for someone who may leave him for a younger, free man would be a wise decision at the moment.

 

I mean, I was imagining myself in his position and being him, I definitely wouldn't be ready yet to take such a huge risk.

 

Why did you leave that OW? Was she not what you wanted? Didn't you love her (enough) to be with her?

How can I tell if my MM really cares about me? I mean, I think he does but... maybe he's such a good actor? That's what worries me a bit as well. It's understandable that he wants to keep seeing me and doesn't want to loose this opportunity so he will treat me well etc. to make me feel good and want to stay with him... but how can I be sure it's more than just sex?

[Monicax]

I agree that op should talk to him and discuss the pros and cons of the various options as if it were a business. Hopefully he is not as indecisive as me.

 

As I mentioned above, I'm not sure if we've been seeing each other long enough for such an important conversation. I think it might be still a bit too early for that.

 

It's been just a bit more than half a year and although we already know a lot about each other, we are still getting to know each other.

[gia37]

I think he really cares about you and probably loves you, but he may ditch you when his wife becomes suspicious. And then it will be really painful for you.

 

I have an EA going on with a man of his age and I am 10 younger, but we have never had anything physical. Many men over 50 have this "midlife" crisis and they are afraid of leaving their wives for a younger woman also because they think "What if in 10 yrs things change... she will still be young, but I will be 60. Will she still want me"?

 

But "que sera, sera".

[Monicax]

I think he really cares about you and probably loves you, but he may ditch you when his wife becomes suspicious. And then it will be really painful for you.

 

I have an EA going on with a man of his age and I am 10 younger, but we have never had anything physical. Many men over 50 have this "midlife" crisis and they are afraid of leaving their wives for a younger woman also because they think "What if in 10 yrs things change... she will still be young, but I will be 60. Will she still want me"?

 

But "que sera, sera".

 

Actually, I am very cautious when he says he loves me, how good he feels with me etc. and I'm cautious because I've been through a lot of different things in my live and I know that men, especially those who cheat, can be great liars.

 

But on the other hand, we should trust our gut and I feel that he really loves me.

 

Isn't over 50 a bit too late for a midlife crisis? I don't really know how it works but I thought it happens around 40.

 

Yes, apart from the fact that he has kids, I think he may be afraid that I will leave him when he gets too old and sick. But then he told me that he's afraid that when he's kids grow up, they will have their own life and move out and he will stay with a wife who doesn't care about him at all.

 

There's another thing I didn't mention earlier... he had an op sand can't have more kids. He told me several times that he would like to have a child with me and that if he knew at that time he would meet me, he wouldn't have had it. Some other time he said that if we were together, he would have the op reversed because he would love to have a kid with me but he's afraid it wouldn't work. He also told me once he's afraid that if we were trying for a baby after he had his op reversed and it didn't work, I would leave him for someone younger who can give me a child. :-(

 

Don't know what to think about it... I told him I would still love him and would like to be with him but he knows it would be difficult for it to work.

[gia37]

You see? He has so many fears and probably some more (about his sexual performance in older age, his changing appearance..) that he is keeping to himself. It is not so much midlife crisis, but fear of aging... this man I know also talks even too often about his health, what if he dies suddenly etc... men around 50 have more fears about aging than women, I think.

 

So it is all combined... his kids, the security and routine he has at home, plus fears of aging at your side, his potential inability to give you a child etc. Even your love for him cant take away these fears. This decision is up to him.

 

He is already having a second life with you, if he is not only sleeping with you, but is so emotionally involved with you. If he would decide to end it suddenly, it would be really hurtful for you.