The Roommate that Doesn't Contribute

[Kaiten]

I've been rooming with a good friend of mine for about 3 months now. Everything was gonna be awesome. We know each other well and know our boundaries and whatnot.

 

Of course, things just can't go as well as you want them to...

 

My roommate has a girlfriend. She is always at our house. I'm pretty sure she doesn't have a job. She kind of goes home every now and then because she (apparently) lives with her mom and has a few responsibilities at home.

 

She's here at least (AT LEAST) 5 out of 7 days a week every single week. Even when she doesn't spend the night, she comes right back in the morning. I actually see her more than I see my roommate.

 

I don't know why, but this bothers me. And it bothers me more and more as time goes on. I think it's because she doesn't seem to be contributing anything. Yeah, she cleans around the house a little, but it's not enough to earn a free ride imho.

[d0nnivain]

When the GF isn't there, talk to your roommate about your concerns. Don't argue or throw around blame. Ask him what he thinks would be fair (but you also need to know what you think would be fair).

 

Would you feel better if the rent was split other than 50-50? Should he pay more of the water bill if she showers there too? Should there be a maximum # of days a GF can stay over?

 

Unless you have some proposed solutions you can just start this conversation or expect to bar her from the house.

[gaius]

If she's increasing your expenses or impeding on your territory in some way then a conversation might be warranted. But other than that it seems like maybe you're jealous on some level? He's paying for his half and that includes the right to have guests over. She's sleeping in his personal space right?

[ASG]

If she's increasing your expenses or impeding on your territory in some way then a conversation might be warranted. But other than that it seems like maybe you're jealous on some level? He's paying for his half and that includes the right to have guests over. She's sleeping in his personal space right?

 

Have you actually had flatmates who constantly have their SOs over, though? It's a lot more bothersome than you're making it sound.

 

I've been through it and it was hell. Things ended up going sour with that flatmate and we asked her to move out (along with the BF who was there 7 days a week, even though he lived 2 buildings over)

 

Then I had another flatmate have a friend over "for a couple of weeks". Which turned into a month. And then 6 weeks. She wasn't paying anything! And my flatmate refused to ask her, even though me and my other flatmate thought it was fair she pay expenses, if not some rent.

 

Then she went away and came back a few month later. By that point I was adamant that she would only enter our house if she was paying rent and bills, which she now does.

[gaius]

Have you actually had flatmates who constantly have their SOs over, though? It's a lot more bothersome than you're making it sound.

 

I've been through it and it was hell. Things ended up going sour with that flatmate and we asked her to move out (along with the BF who was there 7 days a week, even though he lived 2 buildings over)

 

Then I had another flatmate have a friend over "for a couple of weeks". Which turned into a month. And then 6 weeks. She wasn't paying anything! And my flatmate refused to ask her, even though me and my other flatmate thought it was fair she pay expenses, if not some rent.

 

Then she went away and came back a few month later. By that point I was adamant that she would only enter our house if she was paying rent and bills, which she now does.

When I lived with 2 other people there were times when one would bring over his girlfriend, but she would stay in his room. So basically she wasn't taking up any extra space. The place didn't suddenly get smaller for me because she was there. Utilities were included in the rent so that also wasn't an issue. I didn't see it as a big deal. But she didn't do much getting in my way or stealing my food or anything.

 

I don't get why people expect someone to pay rent because they're around a lot. I'm assuming the living arrangements are something like you both live in a 2 bedroom place and each get a bedroom. So why are they supposed to cover 2/3 of the rent for 1/2 of the place?

[FitChick]

My landlord tells new tenants that visitors can only stay two weeks because after that, by law, they have to pay rent. See what the laws are in your city.

[Kaiten]

Im not in the slightest bit jealous. She is just annoying to me for some reason. I have never been around somebody this much since i was someone else's sibling.

 

Im in the military, and when i get off duty or come home from coaching (tumbling) I just want a place i can chill. I dont want her there walking back and forth cleaning **** and rustling that loud ass bag of dog food.

 

I wanna be able to sit in the living room and surf the web and research without them on the couch next to cuddling. And you would be surprised at loud cuddling can get.

[ASG]

When I lived with 2 other people there were times when one would bring over his girlfriend, but she would stay in his room. So basically she wasn't taking up any extra space. The place didn't suddenly get smaller for me because she was there. Utilities were included in the rent so that also wasn't an issue. I didn't see it as a big deal. But she didn't do much getting in my way or stealing my food or anything.

 

I don't get why people expect someone to pay rent because they're around a lot. I'm assuming the living arrangements are something like you both live in a 2 bedroom place and each get a bedroom. So why are they supposed to cover 2/3 of the rent for 1/2 of the place?

 

The flatmate with the boyfriend only had a small single room. So she and the BF hung out in the kitchen or the living room all the time, apart from when they went to sleep.

We only had one small dining table and they would take it over for HOURS. They would also invite another couple they were friends with for dinner almost every day, which made having dinner a bit of a problem for me and my other flatmate (there was 3 of us). We didn't want him to pay rent though. We wanted them to spend some time at HIS house as well (which, as I've mentioned, was less than a 5 minute walk away. And he had a double bed whereas she only had a single!!)

We didn't mind him coming over. We minding him coming over EVERY DAY and taking up space in the common areas!

 

As for the current flatmate's GF (who now officially lives with us), I was fine with the "couple of weeks" and wouldn't even dream of asking her money for it. But it turned into 6 weeks! Of her LIVING in our house (where no bills are included, mind).

If it had just been the 2 weeks, it would have been fine. We're all free to have friends stay and all of us have had friends stay for a few days. But she overstayed her welcome immensely. So when she was going to come back, me and my other flatmate (also 3 of us) set the rules that if she was going to live with us, she'd need to pay rent. Jointly they pay more than us, but individually they pay less, which I think is fair. (bills are divided by 4 though)

[Kaiten]

Also, i feel kinda bad because my roommates gf is nice. And she probably does mean well. But i whenever i say my roommates name, she turns her head too. Thats just too much.

 

Im leaving for work one afternoon and shes outside (outta nowhere) just gardening her ass off. Like WTF random-ass gardening? They act like theyre married. And when theyre doing stuff around the house theyre constantly calling each other.

 

Roommate: (loud as **** from one side of the house) "Hey Baby?!"

His gf: (washing the dishes loud as ****) "Yeah, babe?!"

 

Back and forth, back and forth.

[iiiii]

I've been on both sides of this situation before.

 

I think the problem with this type of thing is that the situation just isn't what you thought you were signing up for. You wanted to move in with one person, your buddy, and instead you've moved in with two people (one who mostly ignores you, and another that you didn't even get to help select). The flat dynamic is different to what you wanted and expected. So I can understand you being a bit frustrated.

 

On the other hand, presumably your room mate pays for his half of the house - so I don't think you can tell him that he can't have his girlfriend around, just because you find her presence annoying. If he pays for half the rent and half the bills, he's got an equal right to you to decide what the social dynamic of the house should be.

 

So, my feeling is that if there are specific things she does that annoy you, you could discuss those. Or if you feel she is affecting you in some specific way, like making the power bill higher than it should be, then you could discuss her chipping in to help pay for it. But if you just really can't stand her mere presence, then you're the one that should move out, and find some flatmates you fit in with better.

Edited May 27, 2014 by iiiii

[gaius]

The flatmate with the boyfriend only had a small single room. So she and the BF hung out in the kitchen or the living room all the time, apart from when they went to sleep.

We only had one small dining table and they would take it over for HOURS. They would also invite another couple they were friends with for dinner almost every day, which made having dinner a bit of a problem for me and my other flatmate (there was 3 of us). We didn't want him to pay rent though. We wanted them to spend some time at HIS house as well (which, as I've mentioned, was less than a 5 minute walk away. And he had a double bed whereas she only had a single!!)

We didn't mind him coming over. We minding him coming over EVERY DAY and taking up space in the common areas!

 

As for the current flatmate's GF (who now officially lives with us), I was fine with the "couple of weeks" and wouldn't even dream of asking her money for it. But it turned into 6 weeks! Of her LIVING in our house (where no bills are included, mind).

If it had just been the 2 weeks, it would have been fine. We're all free to have friends stay and all of us have had friends stay for a few days. But she overstayed her welcome immensely. So when she was going to come back, me and my other flatmate (also 3 of us) set the rules that if she was going to live with us, she'd need to pay rent. Jointly they pay more than us, but individually they pay less, which I think is fair. (bills are divided by 4 though)

It seems like for you there was a myriad of issues with the first roommate besides just the BF (inviting people over and hogging up the table) so I don't blame you for getting upset. But with Kaiten it sounds like he just doesn't like seeing them a couple. He gets annoyed even when she's cleaning stuff? Or gardening? Isn't that what you normally have to pay people to do?

 

I don't see any merit in making her pay rent because it's annoying she calls her boyfriend baby and they have a tight relationship.

[veggirl]

It seems like for you there was a myriad of issues with the first roommate besides just the BF (inviting people over and hogging up the table) so I don't blame you for getting upset. But with Kaiten it sounds like he just doesn't like seeing them a couple. He gets annoyed even when she's cleaning stuff? Or gardening? Isn't that what you normally have to pay people to do?

 

I don't see any merit in making her pay rent because it's annoying she calls her boyfriend baby and they have a tight relationship.

 

 

Why is she gardening at SOMEONE ELSE'S HOUSE?

 

That's weird.

 

OP I would just tell your roommate that you guys need to agree on a set amount of days someone can stay over per week. I'd say 3 days is enough. It's beyond annoying when you can't relax in your own home because someone who doesn't even live there is CONSTANTLY there. I mean the roommate and gf are making the house THEIR place when that is not what it is.

[gaius]

Why is she gardening at SOMEONE ELSE'S HOUSE?

 

That's weird.

 

OP I would just tell your roommate that you guys need to agree on a set amount of days someone can stay over per week. I'd say 3 days is enough. It's beyond annoying when you can't relax in your own home because someone who doesn't even live there is CONSTANTLY there. I mean the roommate and gf are making the house THEIR place when that is not what it is.

I would love if someone would come over, pull weeds and plant flowers for free. Why is it an issue unless you want to garden yourself? And why would someone else gardening somehow prevent you from relaxing? Did you intend on taking a nap in the flower bed they're replanting?

[ASG]

I would love if someone would come over, pull weeds and plant flowers for free. Why is it an issue unless you want to garden yourself? And why would someone else gardening somehow prevent you from relaxing? Did you intend on taking a nap in the flower bed they're replanting?

 

I prefer to enjoy the quiet. I am happiest when none of my flatmates are home at all.

 

If I could, I would live on my own, but unfortunately, London housing prices make that impossible on what I earn.

 

So I understand that having ONE EXTRA PERSON, that doesn't belong to the house, be there EVERY SINGLE DAY gets very annoying.

She would probably not even be annoyed by their pet names if the GF wasn't there at all times.

 

I get that you don't understand where we're all coming from. But trust me. It is ridiculously annoying.

[veggirl]

I would love if someone would come over, pull weeds and plant flowers for free. Why is it an issue unless you want to garden yourself? And why would someone else gardening somehow prevent you from relaxing? Did you intend on taking a nap in the flower bed they're replanting?

 

It's an issue because she is inserting herself inappropriately in someone else's home. She doesn't live there. The garden isn't hers. You don't go into someone else's home and just start taking s.hit over like it's yours.

[Kaiten]

When someone is at your house you are constantly cognizant of their presence. Especially when they are cleaning. She literally reminds me of my mother or my friends mothers when we were young. We would be hanging out, chilling and she is cleaning to the point where its almost in the way. Like when you come home and the floor is being mopped...like can you please chill out?

[Kaiten]

And why garden? She has her own house with her mom she could garden at. Why stop by our house in the middle of the foking day to come garden? Its not like they are going to be living there forever (i think)

[Kaiten]

***NEW UPDATE***

 

My roommates gf asked me to take out the trash one time. WHILE i was very busy doing something. Anyway, not gettin into that. Needless to say, I didnt.

 

 

So apparently some stray dog had babies in our backyard under the house. My roommates gf came in the house and asked me to come outside and hold a flashlight among oter things while they went and grabbed the dogs. Once again, this was while i was doing something.

 

Let me be clear, even if i were playing GTA 5, when i am doing something, i dont like being bothered about things i dont care about. So if its not a friend in trouble or something, i like to come home after work and do my thing.

 

Long story short, we have 2 more dogs. I personally dont mind dogs one bit. But im not cleaning up no **** and piss and im not driving halfway across the city to feed them. We already had one dog. Now we have 3. I dont care at all, but these baby dogs take these foul smelling big, soupy shts on the floor sometimes. And the gf is always coming over in the middle of the day to care for them. So the only drawback is that she is there even more now and has a key to the house and everything.

[Els]

I'm divided on the main issue. I think you have the right to insist that you split the utility bills three ways (as she is using electricity etc too), but not the right to dictate how often she can stay. It's just one of the downsides of having housemates IMO.

 

But here you just sound unempathic and like you're trying to find fault:

 

***NEW UPDATE***

 

So apparently some stray dog had babies in our backyard under the house. My roommates gf came in the house and asked me to come outside and hold a flashlight among oter things while they went and grabbed the dogs. Once again, this was while i was doing something.

 

Let me be clear, even if i were playing GTA 5, when i am doing something, i dont like being bothered about things i dont care about. So if its not a friend in trouble or something, i like to come home after work and do my thing.

 

Long story short, we have 2 more dogs. I personally dont mind dogs one bit. But im not cleaning up no **** and piss and im not driving halfway across the city to feed them. We already had one dog. Now we have 3. I dont care at all, but these baby dogs take these foul smelling big, soupy shts on the floor sometimes. And the gf is always coming over in the middle of the day to care for them. So the only drawback is that she is there even more now and has a key to the house and everything.

 

So you would leave the puppies to die? Just so you can play GTA?

 

At any rate, this situation sounds like it's really stressing you out, so you should probably consider moving. Can you afford a place of your own?

[Emilia]

So you would leave the puppies to die? Just so you can play GTA?

Maybe the OP felt there were enough people on the job already.

At any rate, this situation sounds like it's really stressing you out, so you should probably consider moving. Can you afford a place of your own?

Or maybe find another share? You don't have to live on your own OP, not everyone's life is this messy and involving.

[BlueIris]

I’d talk to the roommate. Your roommate, not his girlfriend, is at fault here.

 

It’s one thing to agree to live with a certain person and a completely different thing to be forced to live with someone without your consent.

 

I think people would be less accommodating in their responses if the extra person that your roommate moved in was a felon, sex offender, infant, or 6 year old.

 

This wasn’t the deal you consented to and it doesn’t matter who he moved into your place. It doesn't matter if she's saving puppies, curing cancer or negotiating a treaty for world peace. You didn't agree to this.

[Kaiten]

So you would leave the puppies to die? Just so you can play GTA?

 

I wasn't playing GTA at the time, I was just making a point.

 

Stray dogs are not my responsibility. It would be totally different if it were like human children, but dogs? I don't care much for stray animals. Sorry.

[Els]

I wasn't playing GTA at the time, I was just making a point.

 

Stray dogs are not my responsibility. It would be totally different if it were like human children, but dogs? I don't care much for stray animals. Sorry.

 

Hey, don't apologize to me. But it does kinda reinforce my point about lack of empathy.

 

Anyway, yeah... if it's stressing you out so much, just move out. Like Emilia says, other housemates are always an option. But personally (from reading this thread) I suspect you'd function best without any housemates, so if you can afford that then do so.

 

Edit: Wait, I just re-read this thread. So you have been complaining here all this time, but not even talked to your housemate about it?? You should probably do that first... If he doesn't want to change anything, then you have two options:

1) Pursue legal action (you can't get her kicked out, I think, but you can make her pay rent and bills, though that doesn't sound like it'll solve most of the problems you're complaining about)

2) Move out

Edited May 30, 2014 by Elswyth

[Emilia]

But personally (from reading this thread) I suspect you'd function best without any housemates,

I think the OP's expectations are not unreasonable the slightest, most people I know would be annoyed by a couple constantly playing house if that wasn't the original arrangement. My sister had a similar issue once with a girlfriend hogging the living space all the time, on the phone to her family, etc so they couldn't even watch the telly there.

 

I agree though that he should speak to his mate, though I can't imagine anything would change.

 

OP, you need to find a houseshare with a quiet guy. Plenty of those around.

[Els]

I think the OP's expectations are not unreasonable the slightest, most people I know would be annoyed by a couple constantly playing house if that wasn't the original arrangement.

 

It's not his expectations that make me think that way - I think it'd be perfectly reasonable for him to talk to his roommate and express a need for change. But rather it's the way he phrases it, and the constant stream of complaints (which makes it even worse now that I read he hasn't even talked to the guy about it).

 

I mean, I've had my share of bad roommates - the bunch I roomed with before even brought their whole family (and I do mean parents, siblings, aunts, etc) to stay in our house for 3 months. But is there really a point in me continuing to make post after post about the billion things their family does that annoy me, without doing anything about it?

Edited May 30, 2014 by Elswyth