PersonaPersona Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 I have come to this forum because I really need all your help. I've seen other posts on here and I have been surprised at how well answers have been written. So, please give me some insight. A few years ago when I was in the 8th grade, I started to have feelings for my best friend. He is transgendered and to me that really didn't matter. I fell in love with the amazing, genuine guy he was, he is pretty good looking too! and decided to keep that as a secret for years. Damn, did that hurt. Fast forward to the present, where I am a Junior in High School. Two months ago, I finally confessed that I loved him for all these years and that his body parts did not matter to me, what mattered was the person he was inside; Basically, I couldn't continue to keep it all bottled up. After I told him, he was happy his parts did not matter to me and ended up giving me a chance and we were now in a relationship. This gave me so much joy and happiness that I felt like I was king of the world. Finally, I thought, I would be able to show him how much love I have for him. Fast forward (again) two months, things were going so smooth. He told me he was falling in love with me and was grateful of me. I would write him poems and love notes, and always remind him that he was special and that my love for him would never cease. Then, he started acting weird. Avoiding me, taking forever to reply through SMS, barely talking to me when he was around me, and I started to get paranoid. I asked all my friends what I should do and they all said I should sit down and talk with him, and thats what I did. I asked him to meet me somewhere private so we can talk and he agreed.We were alone, and he told me he didn't know if he loved me. He said he didn't know if he wanted a relationship. He said he had to find himself. He told me not to wait for him and that if he were to come back to me, I shouldn't feel obligated to give him another chance (basically saying I'm what he'd fall back on). He said it was him, not me. I told him that he should find what makes him happy, even if it has nothing to do with me. The reason I said this was because I still love him and care so much for him that I just want him to be happy. At this point, I initiated the whole NC thing. It didn't last for long, because I was stupid and texted him on how he literally used all the cliche excuses in the book, and I wanted the real reason he dumped me. I got a response, but it made things even worse for me. He basically told me that it was all him, that he was the one that was not emotionally stable. He also said he wanted more options, he didn't know how he felt about a high school sweetheart, he said he wanted to date a girl again. At this point I gave up because he just contradicted himself. I told him that he should've thought of that before getting into a relationship with me and he literally told me this: "I gave into a selfish desire to want to feel loved. Because no matter how much you tell me you love me, I can't actually believe you. I don't think I will believe anybody and I'm okay with that." I'm still so shocked because it ended so unexpectedly. I have tried my hardest to make him happy, but it feels like what I've done wasn't sufficient. The thing is, if he always said he really, really, actually loved me, but then gears switch breakup day and say he's unsure, isn't that basically lying? I seriously don't know what to do. My heart still skips a beat because when I see him at school, I get nervous. What really hurts is that he doesn't seem to care that it ended, it's like it's just another day and he is moving forward and I'm still stuck in limbo with my head in the clouds not knowing what to do next. I need advice. I am stuck.
lauri Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 I have come to this forum because I really need all your help. I've seen other posts on here and I have been surprised at how well answers have been written. So, please give me some insight. A few years ago when I was in the 8th grade, I started to have feelings for my best friend. He is transgendered and to me that really didn't matter. I fell in love with the amazing, genuine guy he was, he is pretty good looking too! and decided to keep that as a secret for years. Damn, did that hurt. Fast forward to the present, where I am a Junior in High School. Two months ago, I finally confessed that I loved him for all these years and that his body parts did not matter to me, what mattered was the person he was inside; Basically, I couldn't continue to keep it all bottled up. After I told him, he was happy his parts did not matter to me and ended up giving me a chance and we were now in a relationship. This gave me so much joy and happiness that I felt like I was king of the world. Finally, I thought, I would be able to show him how much love I have for him. Fast forward (again) two months, things were going so smooth. He told me he was falling in love with me and was grateful of me. I would write him poems and love notes, and always remind him that he was special and that my love for him would never cease. Then, he started acting weird. Avoiding me, taking forever to reply through SMS, barely talking to me when he was around me, and I started to get paranoid. I asked all my friends what I should do and they all said I should sit down and talk with him, and thats what I did. I asked him to meet me somewhere private so we can talk and he agreed.We were alone, and he told me he didn't know if he loved me. He said he didn't know if he wanted a relationship. He said he had to find himself. He told me not to wait for him and that if he were to come back to me, I shouldn't feel obligated to give him another chance (basically saying I'm what he'd fall back on). He said it was him, not me. I told him that he should find what makes him happy, even if it has nothing to do with me. The reason I said this was because I still love him and care so much for him that I just want him to be happy. At this point, I initiated the whole NC thing. It didn't last for long, because I was stupid and texted him on how he literally used all the cliche excuses in the book, and I wanted the real reason he dumped me. I got a response, but it made things even worse for me. He basically told me that it was all him, that he was the one that was not emotionally stable. He also said he wanted more options, he didn't know how he felt about a high school sweetheart, he said he wanted to date a girl again. At this point I gave up because he just contradicted himself. I told him that he should've thought of that before getting into a relationship with me and he literally told me this: "I gave into a selfish desire to want to feel loved. Because no matter how much you tell me you love me, I can't actually believe you. I don't think I will believe anybody and I'm okay with that." I'm still so shocked because it ended so unexpectedly. I have tried my hardest to make him happy, but it feels like what I've done wasn't sufficient. The thing is, if he always said he really, really, actually loved me, but then gears switch breakup day and say he's unsure, isn't that basically lying? I seriously don't know what to do. My heart still skips a beat because when I see him at school, I get nervous. What really hurts is that he doesn't seem to care that it ended, it's like it's just another day and he is moving forward and I'm still stuck in limbo with my head in the clouds not knowing what to do next. I need advice. I am stuck. I'm really sorry this happened to you. You need to maintain NC and not speak to him anymore. It is clear that he wants to explore his option and date other people, which ultimately means he lost interest. You will never allow him to realize his mistake if you stick around and speak with him - you will only push him further away. You put a lot into this relationship (reminds me when I was young). What I am getting from this is he is making up excuses not wanting to hurt you further then you need to be. As tough as this may be for you, you need to let it go and not speak to him anymore. It is going to be tough for you to not see him because you are in school but do not, by any means, contact him via the phone or text again. You are still extremely young and I promise you this isn't the end of the world. You'll meet someone new before you know it, but first you need to regain yourself confidence and yourself. 3
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 (edited) I'm really sorry this happened to you. You need to maintain NC and not speak to him anymore. It is clear that he wants to explore his option and date other people, which ultimately means he lost interest. You will never allow him to realize his mistake if you stick around and speak with him - you will only push him further away. You put a lot into this relationship (reminds me when I was young). What I am getting from this is he is making up excuses not wanting to hurt you further then you need to be. As tough as this may be for you, you need to let it go and not speak to him anymore. It is going to be tough for you to not see him because you are in school but do not, by any means, contact him via the phone or text again. You are still extremely young and I promise you this isn't the end of the world. You'll meet someone new before you know it, but first you need to regain yourself confidence and yourself. Agreed. This is some good advice. The fact that he's transgender shows how tormented he already is with who he is and/or who he wants to become and how to fit into society. I can't imagine having that kind of worry and stress and pressure in my life and especially at such a young age. I think it's beautiful to hear about your love and acceptance of him. I'm sure it's something he thought would never come easily for him but at the same time, he's probably overwhelmed by it all too. It's a lot for him to take on and clearly he's not done exploring which is why he's distancing himself from you in the kindest way possible. I know this provides you with very little comfort particularly since your feelings for him haven't changed but you can't make someone love you just because you do. It doesn't work that way unfortunately. I agree that NC for YOU is the best course of action right now. It will take time to heal from this heartbreak but with enough of it, it will get easier. Hugs to you Edited May 26, 2014 by Michelle ma Belle
Strength in Healing Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 Is he trying to become a girl or a girl who is trying to become a guy? I am confused.
Author PersonaPersona Posted May 26, 2014 Author Posted May 26, 2014 Is he trying to become a girl or a girl who is trying to become a guy? I am confused. Transgender male. So, Female to Male
mtnbiker3000 Posted May 26, 2014 Posted May 26, 2014 You put all of your happiness on him. This never works. Learn to find your own happiness. Luckily you are at an age where you can still easily adapt and change to lessons learned. Well, take this as a lesson and never put your happiness in anothers hands.
Author PersonaPersona Posted May 26, 2014 Author Posted May 26, 2014 You put all of your happiness on him. This never works. Learn to find your own happiness. Luckily you are at an age where you can still easily adapt and change to lessons learned. Well, take this as a lesson and never put your happiness in anothers hands. Very interesting and I never thought of it that way. Thank you for the reply.
Author PersonaPersona Posted May 26, 2014 Author Posted May 26, 2014 Agreed. This is some good advice. The fact that he's transgender shows how tormented he already is with who he is and/or who he wants to become and how to fit into society. I can't imagine having that kind of worry and stress and pressure in my life and especially at such a young age. I think it's beautiful to hear about your love and acceptance of him. I'm sure it's something he thought would never come easily for him but at the same time, he's probably overwhelmed by it all too. It's a lot for him to take on and clearly he's not done exploring which is why he's distancing himself from you in the kindest way possible. I know this provides you with very little comfort particularly since your feelings for him haven't changed but you can't make someone love you just because you do. It doesn't work that way unfortunately. I agree that NC for YOU is the best course of action right now. It will take time to heal from this heartbreak but with enough of it, it will get easier. Hugs to you Thank you for wonderful advice and insight, both of you. I have definitely calmed down a bit and now see this as an opportunity to reevaluate myself. It's weird because we were friends for years before this, I guess I gotta get used to this.
hoping2heal Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 I seriously legit, not even once, nor at any time when I have used the old "I need to find myself" have heard nor seen anyone use that line and not be interested in someone else. Pretty sure that's what is really going on here. Sorry kid
hoping2heal Posted May 27, 2014 Posted May 27, 2014 I seriously legit, not even once, nor at any time when I have used the old "I need to find myself" have heard nor seen anyone use that line and not be interested in someone else. Though I'm sure there is something like .0001% who do...want to find themself. Pretty sure that's what is really going on here. Sorry kid
Author PersonaPersona Posted May 27, 2014 Author Posted May 27, 2014 I seriously legit, not even once, nor at any time when I have used the old "I need to find myself" have heard nor seen anyone use that line and not be interested in someone else. Though I'm sure there is something like .0001% who do...want to find themself. Pretty sure that's what is really going on here. Sorry kid As much as I hate to say it, it's a possibility... :/
Author PersonaPersona Posted June 1, 2014 Author Posted June 1, 2014 Oh man, do I have updates. It's been two weeks since the breakup and some things have happened that have made me come to be mad at my EX. My EX and I associate ourselves with different groups of friends, but we all know each other. My EX started talking to one of my close friends (who normally never ever talk to each other, ever) and of course my friend finds it odd too. He has been messaging her saying that I'm being 'cold' to him (can someone elaborate on what that means?) and that we don't discuss it (even though we have as said in my original post), he's ultimately upset that I'm 'giving him the cold shoulder' What I don't understand is that I thought NC was the best way to go (which is what I've been doing) and he thinks I'm just being rude by not talking to him. I really don't want to talk to him right now. What do I do...
elseaacych Posted June 1, 2014 Posted June 1, 2014 Cut off your information source. Tell them to stop telling you about your ex. Tell them that you guys are broken up, and it's normal for exes not to speak to each other. And stay NC! It's good for you!!!
Author PersonaPersona Posted June 7, 2014 Author Posted June 7, 2014 My ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago and I've initiated NC and it's been going great since today when my ex sent me a message saying: "I need to talk to you." Without thinking I gave in and said: "About?" He immediately responded with: “What you want to do. Is this friendship over? Or does this just call for more time?” This is the second time he's asked me to be friends and it kind of angered me a little, so I didn't respond after that. I feel HORRIBLE for giving in and breaking NC for something so stupid. I think I already know he wants to be friends to alleviate the guilt.
KaliLove Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 Oh don't beat yourself up. That was an ambiguous breadcrumb. It wasn't just an "I hope you're doing well" guilt-reliever breadcrumb..it could have easily been a potential reconnection breadcrumb. There's a huge difference and there's absolutely no way you could have known that. You did just fine. You should be proud of yourself for not getting into it with him! Good for you! 1
Ordinaryday Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 My ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago and I've initiated NC and it's been going great since today when my ex sent me a message saying: "I need to talk to you." Without thinking I gave in and said: "About?" He immediately responded with: “What you want to do. Is this friendship over? Or does this just call for more time?” This is the second time he's asked me to be friends and it kind of angered me a little, so I didn't respond after that. I feel HORRIBLE for giving in and breaking NC for something so stupid. I think I already know he wants to be friends to alleviate the guilt. You should text the dumper saying "under no circumstances contact me unless it is about us getting back together". then if they leave you alone you will be able to heal, and if they continue to contact you with breadcrumbs you can rightly and justifiably call them out as a selfish jerk 1
organizedchaos Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 You should text the dumper saying "under no circumstances contact me unless it is about us getting back together". then if they leave you alone you will be able to heal, and if they continue to contact you with breadcrumbs you can rightly and justifiably call them out as a selfish jerk This is all you need to do. OP don't beat yourself up.
umirano Posted June 7, 2014 Posted June 7, 2014 I agree with KaliLove. Now I'm jealous of the OP bc this week I gave in to a make-me-feel-better breadcrumb, not a potential I-want-you-back breadcrumb. Still learning. Brush it off OP, you're all right.
Author PersonaPersona Posted June 9, 2014 Author Posted June 9, 2014 Thanks for the advice guys. The stream of problems seem to never end and this is seriously stressing me out. A while later after that text he sent many others saying he wanted to know if we could be friends or not because he doesn't know how I'm feeling. I got really angered and decided to pour my heart out like an idiot on how he hurt me bad and lied to me and used me for his own desires. He then told me that he never lied, he loved me, but the feeling went away (keep in mind we were in a relationship for two months) so I told him we could be friends. The thing is, we were best friends for YEARS before this and I couldn't afford to lose a friend over something like this. My heart hurts from the pain, and at this point I wish I could go back to the way it was. Sorry this is all over the place. I'm typing this on my phone. Cheers
umirano Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Thanks for the advice guys. The stream of problems seem to never end It's called life... I couldn't afford to lose a friend over something like this. It's the opposite. You can't afford to keep a friend after something like this. He's hurt you and now he wants to keep you around for comfort, which you seem to be agreeing to, instead of taking care of yourself. Why? What's so great about him?
Author PersonaPersona Posted June 9, 2014 Author Posted June 9, 2014 It's called life... It's the opposite. You can't afford to keep a friend after something like this. He's hurt you and now he wants to keep you around for comfort, which you seem to be agreeing to, instead of taking care of yourself. Why? What's so great about him? We've been friends since middle school and we've gone through teen hood together. It feels weird not to talk to him in the hallways. I don't want to tell him I don't want a friendship in the moment but I need to do that I can heal.
umirano Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 I still see no logic in that. I don't talk to about 99.9% of the people anymore I hung out with in my teens. Esp not the ones I had BU with. It's life, you love, break up, hurt and move on. There's one girl I still talk to. She's cool, but rejected me once. I can still talk to her because I guess I wasn't very serious, so it isn't awkward. Just because he was your friend for a long time doesn't mean he's still worthy of keeping around. Given the grief that he causes you have every reason to completely move on and make new (best) friends.
Author PersonaPersona Posted June 9, 2014 Author Posted June 9, 2014 I still see no logic in that. I don't talk to about 99.9% of the people anymore I hung out with in my teens. Esp not the ones I had BU with. It's life, you love, break up, hurt and move on. There's one girl I still talk to. She's cool, but rejected me once. I can still talk to her because I guess I wasn't very serious, so it isn't awkward. Just because he was your friend for a long time doesn't mean he's still worthy of keeping around. Given the grief that he causes you have every reason to completely move on and make new (best) friends. Seriously, thank you for your responses. It's just weird, you know? To be used to someone being in your life for so long and then suddenly they have to be taken out of it. I feel this empty space now. I miss him. But I know it's for the best. Break ups suck.
Chi townD Posted June 9, 2014 Posted June 9, 2014 Way too confused to give any decent advice. So, your Ex is transgender male. So, living as a male but still having all her girly bits? Usually transgender males are attracted to females. So, for your Ex to date you would make her/he transgender male AND gay? Are you gay/ bisexual? Not trying to be funny. I'm seriously and literally confused.
Author PersonaPersona Posted June 9, 2014 Author Posted June 9, 2014 Way too confused to give any decent advice. So, your Ex is transgender male. So, living as a male but still having all her girly bits? Usually transgender males are attracted to females. So, for your Ex to date you would make her/he transgender male AND gay? Are you gay/ bisexual? Not trying to be funny. I'm seriously and literally confused. No worries, I understand that it is really confusing. My ex is a transgender male, he is biologically female. He is referred to as him, he, etc. He is bisexual. I am also male, I am gay. Yes, he is technically a girl, but I look past those things. Sorry for the confusion.
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